The Export


KURT: I made a new friend.
Me: Uh huh?
Kurt: You’ll love him. Come here now *sends a blurry sneaked video*
Me: NOW?! Nah.. Maybe tomorrow.
Kurt: I know you’d do him. All the girls are checking him out.

The next day, I headed to a fairly new club in town to meet Kurt so I could see for myself how much I’d love this new friend of his.

As I entered the club, the first thing I noticed was the hot manager pouring some drinks for the customers. I thought, “Wow! I’ll get *the other manager* to introduce him later. Where’s Kurt?

Me: Hey youuu!! *hugs*
Kurt: *hugs* My friend will be here in awhile, he’s over there somewhere.
Me: Oh, the manager’s really hot!! *points*
Kurt: Him? That’s my new friend!
Me: *jaw dropped*

When his friend came to the table and got introduced to me, he was so F-ing arrogant with the I-know-you’d-want-me look plastered all over his face. He was friendly to everyone but completely ignored me, but baby I know that move all too well. All I had to do was to mirror his attitude and BAM!, he’d be mine.

Name: BRAD
Origin: Germany
Ethnicity: German-British
Height: 6′. THE perfect body
First impression: Gorgeous
Age: Same age

Initially, I’m like okay, he’s hot from afar but just alright when he’s in front of me. Brad is quite the pretty boy. But whoaaa when he took off his blazer, you could almost see the hearts in my eyes *imagine the heart eyes emoji*. I know this because Kurt’s girlfriend looked at me and burst out laughing.

Those biceps and chest could get any girl drooling. Them full sleeve tattoos totally added to his bad boy image.

So I ignored Brad for most of the night till he finally sat his ass next to me and we started talking. Small talks at first, then it got flirty, and I completely ignored the flirting.

Sometime later, I was checking Brad out as he was chatting up a girl at the nearby table and he noticed. Well, apparently I check out dudes a little too indiscreetly… But that’s the whole point ain’t it?

Brad: I’m not into anything serious.
Me: Not everybody wants serious. I wouldn’t want serious even if you try *looks down thinking of something smart to say*
Brad: I know you’re imagining my D.
Me: *speechless*

By the end of the night, although we exchanged digits, Brad was mostly agitated by my nonchalant behavior towards him.

Brad: Do you want me or not? I’m not gonna beg you for it.
Me: *victory smile with the F-me eyes, kissed him on the lips and walked away*

Kurt and the rest of the gang wanted to head off for supper but Brad had to stay back to close up and I threw a fit at Kurt insisting that Brad be there. I have no clue what they spoke in German, but Brad turned up for supper, sat at the opposite end of the table, texted back and forth while staring at me like a piece of meat, all while everyone else were busy talking and clueless as to what was happening.

The next morning, Brad texted;

Brad: Morning! 🙂
Me: Morning! How’s the hangover?
Brad: As usual, and yours? Damn the apartment is free now and you could come.
Me: I’m exhausted and famished.


Me: What did you say to Brad?
Kurt: Nothing. He told me every time he came back to the table that you’re actually kinda cute and he’d F you. The more he drank, the more he said it. And maybe because I told him that you might want.
Me: When are you going there again?
Kurt: Soonish. You wanna see him huh? You’re such a girly girl. Like a teen with a crush.
Me: He’s too pretty to be taken seriously.

We met a couple of times from then on and all were good, mostly because he had to behave at work. But our texts could only lead to annoyance. We were both too damn arrogant for our own good.

At some point, we were both whining to Kurt about how we couldn’t tolerate one another.

Me: *whines whines whines* Brad is such a piece of shit. Who does he think he is? So F-ing arrogant!
Kurt: If you guys hate each other so much, stop texting already! He’s telling me the same thing! Grow up both of you!!



Brad and I have not been in contact for awhile now but he’s never really out of mind considering I’d hear a lot about him through Kurt.

It was my girlfriend’s birthday and we were out at a nearby bar when Kurt decided to join… with Brad! Brad had stopped working at the club and was about to manage an upcoming bar with a friend of his.

Brad gave me a big hug when they arrived and I pretty much ignored him for the first half of the night. After a few drinks, he started getting a little bit flirty. When the birthday girl was a goner, Kurt, Brad and I headed to another bar to meet a girlfriend of mine.

Brad kept poking and pinching and annoying the hell outta me the entire time. At some point, I looked at my girlfriend;

Me: I’m so pissed, I’m gonna rape him!
GF: *to Brad* She said she wants to F you.
Me: I said I’m gonna rape you, not F you.
Brad: Oh really? I’d like to know how you’re gonna do that.
Me: See this? *shows middle finger* This is going up yours!

When we left the bar, Brad wrapped his hands around my shoulders.

Brad: You’re coming over.
Me: What makes you so sure?
Brad: I already told Kurt to send you back with me.

On the way to Brad’s however, LUCAS replied my texts with some lame ass excuses that got my mood ruined. I showed the text to Kurt and…

Kurt: Don’t reply him. And stop using distractions.
Brad: What’s up?
Kurt: Some dude of hers. She’s only using you as a distraction.
Me: NO I’M NOT!!
Brad: Nuh uh.. I don’t do that shit. You can forget it.
Me: Dafuq? *stares at him*
Brad: Don’t give me that look.
Me: Fine. Then Kurt needs to send me home.

I mostly wanted to strangle Kurt at that point of time and when we reached Brad’s, I had to move to the front so I threw my bag up front.

Brad: Take your bag.
Me: I thought you didn’t want to anymore.
Brad: *opens car door* Just take it.

When we got up, we chatted for a bit before getting to it. Man, Brad is freaking dominant in bed. He’d choke and grab and yank and spank and slap. I loved dominating men! In fact, he does rough sex even better than ETHAN!! He loved going down too! No one can quite choke like he does. I was ecstatic! And his body is delicious!!

We chatted for a bit after two rounds and Brad wanted me to stay the night but nah, I wasn’t quite in the mood and I wasn’t about to wake up early so he got me an Uber.

I then realized that Brad is all arrogant and shit for show when others were around. In private, he really was quite sweet. I figured I could use a F-Bud like him.

But then… a month later he had some problems with work and moved to Thailand! Say whaaaaa?!! I kept pestering Kurt to visit him but of course, it never happened.



I was out on a Thursday night with Stella who took some Aussie girls out to party. The girls had a morning flight out to Bali and Stella suggested we joined them over the week. I love the beach and was totally up for it. But Stella woke up and decided it wasn’t a good idea.

I desperately wanted a beach and decided it wouldn’t kill me if I tried my luck with Brad. He is managing a resort on an island in Thailand. I have been toying with the idea of exporting myself out for a F-cation after having CRUZ and KENT fly in from Singapore and Australia.

Plus, I really needed a break from reality.

Me: Yo! I heard you moved to an island?
Brad: Yooo… Yes I did 😉
Me: I so need a beach vacay. If I go there, can I sleep on your sofa?
Brad: I don’t have a couch but I’ll find you a place to stay.
Me: If I come for like a week, and promise not to bother you (much), can I stay with you?
Brad: *calls* I’m lazy to type. Just come, don’t complicate things. It’s peak season so I’d probably give up my room for the guests and get a place for 2 weeks and you can come stay for free. You can sleep on the floor for all I care *burst out laughing* Go book your flights. I’m all good as long as I don’t have to see you 24/7, I have to work.
Me: Don’t worry, I don’t wanna see your face 24/7 too.

So I booked my flight out in 2 days from Sunday till Friday.



Brad: I’m F-ing tired. We’ll go eat and then back to our place. It’s not too bad. We have no pool so don’t expect too much. I hope you’ll enjoy your time here.

It was sundown by the time I arrived. Brad picked me up from the pier.

Me: Long timeee!! Wow, you look different!
Brad: Yeah, more burnt, more skinny and more silver (hair).
Me: Looks good enough!

Brad looked like a proper beach boy!

Bought some food back to the room. Sat around for a bit and decided to take a shower. I was sticky and disgusting from the 9 hours worth of traveling and waiting around.

Brad totally ambushed me at the shower. He walked straight up to me, grabbed me by the neck and kissed me. I totally forgot how dominant he was and it drove me absolutely delirious! And his body – so tanned and ripped, it was a sight for sore eyes.

Me: Oh damn you’re sexy! *runs my fingers down his abs*
Brad: *huge smile, slaps me across the face and kisses me*
Me: *swoons*



Woke up. Shower-F. Bought food. More F.

Brad: What do you wanna do today?
Me: Beach, massage, eat.
Brad: Sounds like an easy plan. I’ve already arranged a massage for you at my resort for half the price. You’ll be getting it by the beach.
Me: OMG I love you! Not that way. Is this a one-off deal, or can I do it every day?
Brad: You can do it as much as you want.

Brad took me to brunch at a restaurant with a view to die for. The island is just beautiful.

Grabbed a beer by the beach and went to his resort for massage, pool, beach and then brought food back to the room.

Then Brad went into silent mode. Hmm.. what’s up with this dude? I figured he’s upset about work and left him be.



We got up early and all the restaurants were still closed. Brad took us to a fancy 5-star hotel and had buffet breakfast by the beach. Words cannot describe how gorgeous the view is. Initially, I refused to eat there as it costs a bomb but he claims –

Me: Whaaaat?!! It’s so expensive!
Brad: Hang on *disappears for a moment* Okay, I managed to convince them to let you eat for free cause you don’t eat much so we’re just paying for one person.
Me: Really? Are you sure?
Brad: Just eat. I already paid. Don’t ask so many questions.

Yeah, right! Like a 5-star resort’s gonna allow anyone to eat for free.

By then I figured that it was low season and Brad’s resort wasn’t full. In fact, it was quite the opposite. He simply wanted to get a room for us. It was a semi-vacation for him too. How sweet could this dude be?

It was funny when we spoke of how we met and how he was undecided if it was the right move the first time we kissed, as he didn’t want to hook up with clients/friends of friends. So I guess I finally figured out why we only hooked up after so long.

Baked under the sun, pool, massage, beach, ate a shitload of food on the house because they hired a new chef and were doing some food tasting. Brad didn’t want to eat anymore and sent all the food directly to me.

By nightfall, I realized Brad is a grumpy ass who enjoys watching TV in silence as soon as he hits the bed. He also hates being touched when we weren’t F-ing. Easily agitated when sober. And everything is annoying and stupid. Brad is a replica of my asshole ex, LUKE! He snaps pretty quickly too, but I just sucked it up. I am after all completely dependant on him the entire trip and he had also been really sweet.



Brad had to get to work early so we had breakfast on the house at his resort. The weather was gloomy but it was perfect. I was already almost burnt from the day before.

Again, had a massage by the beach, played with the resort’s dogs. One of the staff brought in two Golden Retriever pups!

Brad: I’m going off for some alone time. You stay here. They’ll take care of you. I already told the staff to put whatever you order on my tab. Just don’t overdo it.

But of course, I did not order a single thing. Firstly, I just couldn’t stomach any more food. Secondly, I did not want to take advantage. I did not expect to be so well pampered. I thought Brad was just going to give me a place to stay!

I was laying by the pool when the waitress came with a pizza. Oh, Brad is back. And he started cleaning the pool cause no one did.

Me: You totally remind me of those pool boys who gets seduced by housewives in movies.
Brad: *big grin* Except I’m just a cheap ass tourist who somehow became a manager.

Brad is such an eye candy. I loved looking at him. I could look at him all day and not get bored. Everything about him oozed sex appeal.

Me: *sneaks a photo and sends to Kurt* The hot pool boy!
Kurt: The more time you spend looking at him, the more you like him huh?
Me: I always thought he’s hot.
Kurt: I know. Still getting better the more you looki looki! I should have you spayed to stay focused!

Kurt’s not wrong. By then, I absolutely adored Brad. That wasn’t supposed to happen.

We were supposed to head to a beach party that night but I got lazy after I got back to the room so I texted Brad;

Me: Come back, I’m horny.
Brad: LOL I’m not 😉

Really now?

When Brad got back to the room later that night;

Brad: *hugs and kisses me* I’m sorry, I’m not horny. But I don’t want you to feel bad or feel like I don’t want you or find you hot. I’m just not horny.



I was thoroughly burnt. I couldn’t take the sun anymore. And it was raining anyway.

Brad: I don’t feel like going to work today.
Me: Then don’t. You have 2 days off a week and you’re working every day. Take a break.
Brad: I will.
Me: I’ll buy you a nice dinner tonight, how about that?
Brad: What for?
Me: For taking such good care of me.
Brad: Aww… I forgot about that *holds my hand*
Me: I thought you don’t like being touched.
Brad: It’s fine when I decide to do the touching *places my hand on his D*
Me: *rolls eyes*

We fooled around for a bit, just lazed in silence and ordered room service till 3pm when we decided to head out to 7-11 to stock up on water, food, and cigarettes.

Me: We’re only going out for 5 minutes, why bother doing your hair.
Brad: *raising his voice* Why do you ask stupid questions? Everyone asks me the same thing! It doesn’t matter if I just step out or for the entire day, I like to look good so I don’t feel like shit.
Me: *raising my voice* Just saying. Every damn thing I say annoys you. Every question is stupid. I’ll be out of your face soon!!

I totally lost it. I tolerated his grumpiness for 5 days and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I felt bad AF for blowing up at him but it had to be done. I cannot allow him to walk all over me and be okay with it.

Brad: Maybe I should have some alcohol *drinks his VSOP*
Me: *walks out*
Brad: Are you being grumpy now?
Me: I’m not grumpy. I just don’t want to talk to you. It’s too hard to talk to you.
Brad: *hugs me from behind* Poopie, please don’t be angry…
Me: What’s a poopie? Are you calling me shit?
Brad: Nooo, I call everything poopie. I even call the dogs poopie!
Me: You’re calling me a dog?!!
Brad: Noooo…

We went off to Family Mart where I bought beers to drown myself in alcohol so I could go straight to sleep. I was fuming. The entire time Brad would try to make conversations, flashing his super dashing smile but I refuse to acknowledge him. If I did, a war would start and that wouldn’t be very nice. Or I’d just melt and he’d go back to being grumpy.

I sat on the balcony with my beer in silence. Brad came out twice to see if I was okay.

Brad: *massages my shoulder* Are you okay? Are you still mad?
Me: Go to sleep.

Then he tries again, hugging me and telling me he’s sorry. By then I was just plain sad. I guess it did not affect me as much on the first 2 days because I felt absolutely nothing for him then.

Knocked out on beers and VSOP and jumped up at 11pm. So freaking guilty that I totally slept through dinner.



Got up at 5am for breakfast and our final packing.

Me: Since I didn’t get to buy you dinner last night, can I give you some money? Contribution for all the food and the room.
Brad: Don’t be silly. I’m not taking it. You can buy me breakfast. And it’s okay, you had to put up with me too.
Me: Are you sure?
Brad: *hugs me from behind* I’m sorry okay? I know I can be hard to be around. That’s why I prefer to be alone most of the time. Please don’t be mad.

I completely melted. Why are you so sweet, you piece of ass!

We usually go to Family Mart to stock up on food but this time;

Brad: We’ll go to 7-11. I know you want the chocolate drink.

Brad filled up my chocolate drink with the cutest smile plastered across his face while I gathered some breakfast. We got to the ferry counter just on time to check in and say our goodbyes.

Brad: Next time, come during the high season. There will be more things to do. You’ve only seen half the island. I’ll take more days off the next time to take you around.
Me: *hugs him tight*
Brad: Go, they’re leaving already.
Me: *walks a couple of steps, turn around and see him smiling.. hugs him again*
Brad: *hugs me tight and kisses me on the cheek*


And that was the end of my vacation on paradise island. Why did I ever think it was a good idea to export myself out on a F-cation? I wasn’t meant to fall for Brad. I sought to escape reality but came back a lovesick fool. I really wanted to kiss him before I left but that would just make matters worse. I miss Brad so Goddamn much!

Me: This wasn’t supposed to happen.
Kurt: I was certain it was gonna happen, but I hoped otherwise.
Me: Oh really?
Kurt: Yes. I know you. I know him too. It was doomed from day one to end up in a semi-romance.
Me: Honestly did not expect semi-romance when I booked my flight. Remember we hated each other?
Kurt: I did the day I learned you were going to see him. And you’d expect someone who hates you to invite you over? It’s okay, it’s only natural.
Me: I thought he was gonna be an ass.
Kurt: Naive. A man wouldn’t invite someone he doesn’t deem fuckable to stay with him or if he didn’t like that someone. Now it’s a matter of how you handle it, it’s not gonna go anywhere anyway.

I guess it ain’t easy to stop thinking of a person after spending close to 24/7 with them over a week in paradise. Even harder when they’re sweet AF. He ain’t earning much but he still did whatever he could to make my week as close to perfect as he could. Please don’t get me wrong, I paid whenever he allowed, otherwise he gets grumpy.


VERDICT: I finally got my vacation romance and it ain’t as fun as it looks on Hollywood. It’s mostly just heartbreaking.


The Fuck Boy

Name: KURT
Origin: Germany
Ethnicity: A mixture of 5 different races (Half Asian)
Height: 6′. Buffed
First impression: Super adorable
Age: 1 year older

I met Kurt about 4 months back at a party. Kurt was a friend of SEBASTIAN‘s.

At that point of time, I was still working on getting into Seb’s pants, so I backed off when Seb stood there staring directly at me as Christy and I poked around at Kurt’s abs and biceps.

I had completely forgotten Kurt’s existence till a couple of days before Halloween when we matched on Tinder.

It seemed like we hit it off immediately. Conversations were smooth and witty. We chatted all night about mutual friends and decided we’d meet the next day at my usual joint. It was the day before Halloween.



Kurt arrived late and intoxicated after having attend a birthday party. Albeit drunk and not my usual go-to type, he was as cute as I remembered him to be.

We hung out on and off that night as our tables were at different rooms. Towards the end of the night, Kurt joined us at our table and he held my waist as I danced in front of him.

Somehow, my severely intoxicated brains decided that Kurt was hitting on Christy and went into a rage. After Christy, Phil and I left at 4.30am, I left him nasty texts;

Me: Guys who shows interest in my friends would never interest me.
Kurt: Why would you even say that? If anything, I came for you. I don’t even know her name!

We drunk argued over Whatsapp till a little over 6am and woke up to a thumping hangover. Reread the texts and wished I could bury my head somewhere. What was I even thinking?! I gave up all hope on ever seeing or talking him again.

But Kurt continued texting! My replies were cold and yet he continued to make conversations.

I gave in and we continued chatting. Any guy who had the patience for my crazy was definitely worth a shot. It was Halloween after all and I’d be seeing him at the club again.



Traffic was insane and the club was packed AF. Kurt couldn’t get in and left before he even told me.

I went on with my night and ended it with a bang with Mr VAMPIRE.

Kurt texted at 7am;

Him: Where are you now?
Me: On the way home from supper/breakfast.

Aww that’s just too cute! I didn’t lie. I did have my supper/breakkie at the dude’s place.


The following day, we texted all day and night. Constant texting up till 5am when our eyes could no longer open. Kurt was leaving for Bangkok the next day for an indefinite amount of time as he had a company there. I figured I’ll never hear from him again.

Me: But you’re leaving tomorrow. I might never see you again!
Him: Don’t be silly, I wouldn’t be gone that long.
Me: If I knew we’d chat till 5am, I’d have dragged your ass out for supper.
Him: Coulda woulda shoulda. Back when we were kids, we would be on the phone saying, ‘you hang up’ and I’d be saying, ‘No, YOU hang up!’
Me: Yeah, modern day version would be us saying ‘bedtime’ since 3am!

Kurt was a breath of fresh air from the usual assholes I have been meeting.

Even after he arrived in Bangkok, we continued texting all the time. Kurt was a chatter and he loved sending selfies as much as I loved receiving them.

Him: *sends selfie*
Me: Awww that’s so adorable! I have the same emotions as seeing a puppy everytime I receive your selfies!
Him: You’re silly!
Me: Yeah, I can’t see the real you, so photos would have to suffice!

We chatted about every damn thing the entire time he was in Bangkok. Deep, honest conversations. The past, life mistakes, how we felt about things, issues with his partners and company, relationships, sex.

We agreed that sexual chemistry is a mysterious thing. One can be completely attracted to one another and yet there may not be any chemistry in the sack. I couldn’t agree more!

Kurt painted a picture of himself as a guy who is insecure despite his good looks. One who doesn’t do casual sex. One who had a lot of respect for women. One who was disgusted by women who needed constant male attention.

I, on the other hand gave him the impression that I USED to F around a whole lot after my break up but I did not do it anymore as I didn’t like the person I turned into. Complete bullshit. I quote myself, ‘I’m not ashamed of the things I did, but I’m not proud of it either‘. LOL!

He also seemed to genuinely care about my safety every time I was out drinking. If I did not reply, he’d continue texting till I did, asked for status updates and demands to know when I got home. As much as it was kinda creepy and possessive, it was also cute. It has been a long time since a guy actually showed that they care.

He too would send selfies when he got home after a night out;

Me: Don’t I get a selfie? I want a selfie with a voice recording telling me ‘good night Tessa *mwahhh*’
Him: *sends video of him saying good night*

With each passing day, I’d be even more smitten. Not only he’d be checking on my whereabouts, he’d constantly send videos, selfies, voice clips, things he sees, witty puns. Every. Single. Day!

Kurt was everything I ever wanted in a guy. In fact, I was so smitten, I made a bet with Phil to restrain from sex till Kurt got back! It wasn’t hard, Kurt was the only guy on my mind. I did not even bother to look at anyone else at the club.

After 25 days, he was finally coming back to KL!



Kurt got back to KL on the day of his birthday. His family flew in from Germany earlier in the week and stayed on till he got back. His two sisters would be in town 3 days later.

He invited me for drinks at a nearby bar at 11pm. The night started out bad. I contemplated going as I did not want to intrude his night and by the time Phil managed to convince me to go, I arrived at a little after 1am due to road closure and they were already planning on leaving for another bar.

I ordered a beer, finished it in record time and headed off to the next bar.

But by the time I arrived, the bar was closing!

Me: I’m here. Where are you?
Him: Stay there. We are coming down. It’s closing.
Me: WTF?! I give up! I’m going to meet Phil.

Kurt and his friend, Max from Norway joined me at our usual joint. Max was cool. He was on vacation in KL for the first time and we hit it off within the first 5 seconds.

Kurt: This is Max. I sent you his hungover photo earlier today.
Max: Nahhh I wasn’t that drunk!
Me: Don’t worry, what you don’t remember don’t count! *fist bump*

And a friendship was born. I wish I could say the same about Kurt though. As much as Kurt and I bonded a whole lot through texts, he had this air of arrogance in person and I did not particularly enjoy his crude sense of humor. He was also whining about a clingy Thai chic.

At the club however, Kurt disappeared almost immediately after I got him in, leaving Max with me. When I found Kurt at his friend’s table, he was sitting, frowning and texting. Kurt pretty much ignored me the entire night.

By the end of the night, I was drunk and raging when Kurt refused to even look up from the phone when I spoke to him.

Me: Tell Kurt to never text me again!
Max: Yeah, but what about me? I like hanging out with you!
Me: You know where to find me. I’m always here.
Kurt: Yea he doesn’t need to tell me. I can hear you loud and clear. FINE! *stomps off*

Somehow we continued a whole load of really unpleasant angry drunk texts;

“I don’t tolerate fuck boys like you. I thought you were nice, you clearly aren’t. So why would I waste anymore txts on YOU? You are just a massive waste of time! Do not text me anymore!”

Woke up to Kurt persuading me to let go of the anger, that it was all a misunderstanding.

“Here, you fell asleep to words like “don’t text me again”. You want to tell me I’m a waste of time and a “fuck boy”, as you called it, then do tell me why exactly. You’re acting on a perception under the influence… On a night out. You’ve spent hours texting with me and throw it all to the bin so easily?”

Ok, so I was drunk and raging. Perhaps I was being a total dickhead so I called it truce.


That night, we were both out. I was at an event while Kurt was out drinking with his dad and Max. He was supposed to come meet me but I was too tired to stay on.

Me: I’m really tired. Think I’m gonna head home.
Him: Take a cab here. I’ll send you home. It’s not compulsary, but it would be nice if you do. But baby, next time make sure you meet me somewhere without access to alcohol. We do have normal lives too.
Me: Ok, you sure? 
Him: Yes, come now. I’ll pay for your cab. But no fighting today OK?

I arrived at the bar just in time for them to close and headed for supper with Kurt, his dad and Max. How weird is that? Considering I was still sober, I had a lot of fun with the boys. Witty banters, crude jokes. Every now and then he’d hold my hands, look at me with all that sweetness oozing outta him.

By the time I reached home, Kurt got out of the car;

Me: What are you doing out here?
Him: We made it! No fighting today! *hugs me real tight*
Me: *melts!!*

I was on cloud nine. BUT that was as good as it was gonna get. Long story short, in the next few encounters;



I was intoxicated by the time Kurt arrived at the club. Continued drinking with Max till I was sloshed, got mega pissed off when I saw Kurt being with a girl all night and exploded at him;

Him: She is just a friend. Where are you now?
Me: My friend is sending me home.
Him: And who is your friend?
Me: An ex-F from 4 years back.
Him: You call that safe?! If he takes advantage of you, I’ll personally kill him.

We argued all night till 7am and woke up to the most embarrassing drunk texts in my history of drunk texting.



His sisters arrived. Apparently there was a miscommunication. I thought they were having the party at my usual joint, while he thought I’d be there anyway.

They ended up at a different club and never made it over as his sister was drunk and throwing a fit about wanting to fly back to Germany all because a guy did not show up.

Kurt did however call when he was leaving so I figured it was OK. I, of all people completely understand that when there is alcohol involved, things never goes according to plan.


Him: I have never asked for sex. Won’t ever. It’s chemistry.
Me: Sounds like I got friendzoned!
Him: I would never friendzone you. Too many sexual thoughts spent on you. You strike me as a lady who knows what she likes. I love that. So yes. Basically I would not say no. But I can only think until the point of doing you. Whatever happens thereafter, I do not know. Let’s cut this.. Crazy talk.
Me: You’re afraid I’d fall for you and go crazy after we F.
Him: I don’t want to not think with my dick. No. I’m afraid anything could be damaged. Maybe I totally suck for you. Never a guarantee there is chemistry.




I was anxious about meeting the sisters. I mean, his dad is a man after all and that was easy peasy. But sisters are the most protective creatures in all of realms of their precious big brother and I had to get on their good books.

I know because I AM the sister from hell to all my male buddies!

I stayed sober and somehow managed to mirror their behaviors and we got on perfectly. By the end of the night, we were giggling and talking and completely ignored Kurt who was as usual, glued to his phone, texting. By then I was on the brink of calling it a day with Kurt.

Two of my biggest pet peeves; getting stood up and people who are constantly texting when they are around other humans!

By the time I got home, Kurt texted;

Him: My sister thinks you’re the coolest chic she’s met in KL.
Me: Thank you. I think your sisters are pretty cool too, I like them. Wish I could say the same about you though.



I woke up to a reply to my last statement. About how he wasn’t feeling like himself lately due to the problems with his company. By then, his company was falling apart and his partners were kicking him out.

Worst case scenario was for him to pack up and leave for Bangkok. I was kinda shattered. I finally found a guy whom I actually liked and he was gonna bolt the country? Le sigh!

That night, I was out with a bunch of girlfriends from Jakarta. What could be better than a Girls Night Out?

Towards the end of the night, I really did want to see Kurt after my bitchy remark the night before. I was reasonably drunk and Kurt was at a bar 15 minutes away.

I got to Kurt just in time for the bar to close (AGAIN!) and he drove us back to his place where the sisters insisted I stayed the night as I was in no condition to drive myself home.

Little drunk sister was having an argument with her siblings so I ran into to Max’s room to avoid them. When Kurt saw me;

Kurt: You. Get out.
Me: *ignores, continues talking to Max*
Me: Friend to friend, you know we got along from the first 5 seconds. Kurt isn’t worth it, right? I should just jump on him tonight and call it a night?
Max: Yes. Kurt is my friend and I love him to bits.. But that would be the right thing to do.

When I finally got out,

Kurt: You can sleep anywhere you want. In the hall, with my sisters, with me.. But I do not want you in his room!

When the sisters finally got into bed, I jumped into Kurt’s bed and pounced on him.

Made out, F-ed. He is HUGE!

Size: 9/10
Performance: 6/10
Endurance: 9/10

It’s weird. After all that has happened, the sexual chemistry was close to zero!

Woke up to a smashing hangover and the sisters insisted I stayed for breakfast. I apologized for pouncing on him when I got home.

It really shouldn’t have happened. I really did want to wait for a better moment but drunk me figured it was now or never.



I was out with my friends when Max texted and wanted to join me, bitching about how the siblings were fighting yet again. Sure, why not?

I brought the 4 of them into the club and Kurt wanted to bring in another 3. I was too lazy go to back out and my girlfriend wanted to go back to the table so I told Kurt to mention the name of a VIP friend of mine. I had no idea who he brought in.

But then I couldn’t find them anymore. Kurt wasn’t responding to my calls and texts. Max finally replied informing where they were and I joined them.

There was a girl.

You know that women’s instinct that is never wrong?

She introduced herself to me, made some small talks. I noticed how Kurt was looking at us from afar while the sister sat right in front of us watching our conversation with the ‘Oh SHIT!’ expression.

And so I pulled the smoothest line ever.

Me: Babe.. there are so many hot guys here tonight!
Her: Yeah, I know right! But I can’t. I’m here with a guy.
Me: Oh which one?
Her: Him *points at Kurt*
Me: Oh Kurt?
Her: Yup. But it’s nothing official. It’s still in progress.. Are you here with anyone?
Me: No babe.

I walked up to Max and told him how I couldn’t believe that Kurt had the balls to ask me to bring in a girl he was fucking. All Max could mutter was, “What did you expect from a guy who F’s around? I told you so!



Kurt and I argued the entire day.

Him denying, and me accusing. Eventually I ignored him after I saw the photos Max uploaded on Facebook. It was the night of Kurt’s birthday bash and that girl was there. There were no miscommunication, he simply threw me aside because she was there! I stalked her Facebook and it said she got into a relationship on the day we F-ed!

Yes, Kurt and I were not dating. We weren’t even F-Buds. But what he did was sheer disrespect!

That night, AARON was out at the club and I burst into tears when he hugged me. There were no drunk misunderstandings either. Drunk Max confirmed that Kurt was not worth another second of my time and that he was indeed F-ing around all over the globe as I was bawling my eyes out.

Aaron: What is wrong with you? Talk to me Tess! I’ve never seen you like this!
Me: *continues weeping*
Aaron: Watch me dance! *dances like an idiot that usually gets me laughing*
Me: *shakes head*
Aaron: Want a beer? Come, I’ll get you a guy to F!
Me: No!
Aaron: Ok, I’ll F you then!
Me: *burst into laughter*
Aaron: See, I knew that’s what you wanted!

I drunk cried all night and ended up in bed, cuddling Aaron to sleep. Aaron was in total shock at my emotional state and it was nice receiving some affection from someone whom I actually care about, even if it was just for a night.


The next day, I met up with SETH. I told him the story. Yes, Seth. The love of my life who is going to disappear from my life for good in a couple of weeks.

Seth: You are a F-ing disgrace to all the F-ers out there. You F around. I F around. You can’t spot a F-er like him? You ignored all the signs and believed his bullshit! 

I spent the entire day from 2pm till 10pm with Seth. He pampered me with everything I wanted, listened to me whine all day. Lunch, coffee, dinner, petrol.. He paid for everything. When I sent Seth home that night;

Seth: Forget that idiot. Ignore him. You deserve so much better. Does he know you? Does he care about you? Did he even spend half as much as what I did on you, JUST today? AND I am not even trying to F you!

Seth had a point. That dude doesn’t even care.


But Kurt was still texting and I stupidly continued to reply though very much jaded. Kurt insisted that the girl meant nothing and that she even told him he wasn’t what she was looking for and that she’s in a relationship with someone else.

Him: I don’t consider you a CHICK. You have been meaning a lot to me. Maybe I shouldn’t have explored the physical side of us, but that doesn’t mean you’re just a puppet to me.
Me: You seem really against the word CHICK. Well then, give me your definition of chick.
Him: Chick is a pretty little meaningless thing. Replaceable and nonsensical. I wouldn’t bother texting with you now if you were merely a chick.

By the end of the week, I was so thoroughly mind F-ed that I couldn’t think logically anymore. My girlfriends were concerned, “Why don’t you just text her? What do you have to lose? If she says they’re dating, at least you know the truth!”

So I went on to a whole new level of bat shit crazy and texted the girl. I’ve nothing to lose, well, except for my dignity that is!

Me: Babe so.. What’s up with you and Kurt? I think we deserve to know the truth about him.
Her: Me and him? We are dating. Why dear?
Me: The day I met you, I F-ed him 2 days back. Sorry I have to break it to you. He’s telling me that there’s nothing between you guys.
Her: Oh okay no worries… We dont even been so deep in that time. So I dont mind whats the past. We are dating now
Me: Cool. I’ll get out of your way then.

Yes. She speaks horrible English. I cannot even begin to understand how a grammar Nazi like Kurt could tolerate something like that.

15 minutes after that exchange, Kurt texted, picking a fight but all I could say was, “I don’t value compulsive liars. Go on with your life. You and I have never crossed paths”.


Kurt texted again with some lame question about a mutual friend. I ignored him. Kurt had officially became just another guy, from another week, at another club. Another one of those lousy F’s who entered my ignore list.

Or could it be because HUGO texted at the very same time? I’ll leave that for another post if anything ever blossoms!



After all of the above, Kurt contacted me after a month and we continued texting as usual with me going all gaga over him. Eventually found out that he was dating someone regularly and told him to let me go.

Me: I promise that one day we will be friends. Pure platonic friends, maybe even BFFs where I would not try to get in your pants or be a crazy pain in your ass (I’m always spoilt by friends, so maybe in different ways then!). And we can look back and laugh at all these crazies, or bury it altogether. Soon, but not today. In order to get there, I really need you to stop texting me. It hurts like a bitch everytime you do. Hurts that I will never mean anything to you. I’m sorry, I never intended to feel this way or behave like a lunatic. I hope you understand that I want to and I really need time to get over you. It’s better that way.
Him: Was that like one final statement to me and now you no talk to me anymore? I don’t get a say in this?

Kurt continued texting me every day for a week even though I refused to reply. Then it slowed down to once a month. By the third month;

Him: TESSA! I am annoyed not being able to talk to you, ignorant biaaatch. I miss you. Okay.. Bye. For the next few months. Hate you!

By then I figured I didn’t hold no grudge or be emotionally damaged anymore so I replied and the rest is history.

Kurt had been my best guy friend, always being there for me through all my ups and downs. Strangely, he is the only person who manages to calm all my crazy. The irony, considering he had been the reason for most of my crazies back then. His patience is golden and I really would not change a thing that had happened. I love him to bits as my bestie.


VERDICT: FUCK BOYS. They are the lowest scum of the human population. Honestly, you can F me, but DO NOT F with my head!


The Groupie

It was a regular Saturday night at the club.

Towards the end of the night, Christy found a Korean boy on the dance floor while I spotted a cute white boy near my table and when our eyes met, he smiled at me.

Christy: Hi! What’s your name?
White boy: I’m Max.
Christy: Have you met Tessa? *runs away*

Name: MAX
Origin: Germany
Ethnicity: German
Height: 5″9. Lean
First impression: Cute
Age: No clue

I said hi, he said hi and I spotted his two friends standing nearby. Oh damn.. those boys are hot!

I ran off to Christy and told her to ditch her boy.

Me: Aren’t they just hot? Dammit I can’t decide! Can I have all three?
Christy: Yeah.. that one is pretty cute!

You see, Christy has a thing for Asian boys and Asian boys alone. She had never tried anything else and I have been raving to her about all my sexcapades. She does find them hot but never actually sealed the deal.

Me: Try just once! If you don’t like it, I will never bug you again. Promise!
Christy: *Shrugs*

I motioned for the cute one to come over and got them introduced.

Me: My friend thinks you’re cute!
Him: You don’t think I’m cute?
Me: Just.. go to her!

Name: TOM
Origin: Germany
Ethnicity: German
Height: 5″8. Normal
First impression: Adorable!
Age: 8 years younger

Tom has these super adorable puppy eyes that made my insides stir. But I had my eyes on their other friend.


Origin: Germany
Ethnicity: German
Height: 5″11. Buff
First impression: Gorgeous
Age: 4 years younger

Friend No.3 was buffed with short blonde hair and looked bad ass. So totally my type. We spoke for a little and he dragged me out to the dance floor  where we made out while I felt up my new catch.

Rock hard chest. Subtle abs. Shaved. Decent size. All good to go!

I was surprised that it turns out Christy was totally up for it. The four of us left together soon after for their hotel nearby. The boys were in KL for vacation and were leaving the next day.

On the way to their place however, I realized Tom was the fun one and Brody was well, broody.

Me: How many of you are staying in the same room together?
Brody: All of us. We have to be done before they get back.

So they were living in a one bedroom suite with an extra bed in the hall. Christy went straight for the room while Brody and I settled for the hall.


Made out, stripped, put on a condom and F-ed for a minute.. then one of their girl friends came back!

Brody and I ran straight into the room where the both Christy and Tom were already undressed and all four of us hid under the covers.

Me: Oh wow! That’s small! *referring to Tom’s D in Malay* I’m sorry for you!
Christy: I know right. Just my luck.

And the weirdest thing happened.

Brody and I continued making out while Tom continued to F Christy, with her going all, “OMG are we seriously doing this?!!“.

It was hilarious! Half the time we were laughing at one another. It was impossible to focus on what we were doing.

Brody lost his erection from all the commotion of their friend’s return and I was just too lazy to try to get it back up so he went down on me.

When Christy and Tom were about to change position;

Tom: Wanna switch?
Christy: Serioussssslyyyy?!!!
Me: Hmm.. If you want this grumpy one, I’m all good *climbs off Brody*
Christy: Really? You’re giving me a soft D?!
Tom: Here you go.. New condom, new girl! *hands Brody a new condom*


Brody was a goner below the belt anyways and I didn’t particularly enjoy the way he F-ed. Brody immediately went down on Christy while Tom F-ed me good although he was way smaller than Brody.

We changed a couple of positions till he finished but Christy was still trying to get her new guy up.

After Tom and I cleaned up, Brody took Christy into the toilet and continued whatever they were doing and eventually started F-ing while Tom and I laughed, chatted and took a selfie in the room.

Tom: You do this all the time?
Me: No I swear this is the first time!
Tom: Really? Me too!

When they were finally silent in the toilet, we went in and threw them out as we really needed to pee. But..

When I got out, lo and behold, there was an extra person in the room! Max was back from the club looking all confused.

Max: WTF is going on in here?!!
Tom: There! I was telling you he has a huge D. Show her.
Me: Fine, fine. 
Max: *undresses*
Me: It’s.. normal.

Brody and Christy ran back in to the toilet while Tom and I made out, Max put on a condom and we F-ed for a little, having our own little threesome.

But I was pretty much out of juice after one too many D’s and told Max he can just forget about it. Max is the asshole of the group (there always is one) and was persistent and whiny but I guess eventually Tom told him to back off.

Retrieved Christy from the toilet who was sitting at the tub chatting with Brody and after alot of arguing with Max, we left.

Christy: OMG I still can’t believe that happened!
Me: It was.. hilarious!! Till Max came back at least.
Christy: Yeah Max was an ass. But the 2 boys were nice though.
Me: I like Tom more. He’s fun and so adorable!
Christy: Really? I thought Brody was hotter, taller.. really good looking. He’s really, really nice too!
Me: Yea he’s hot.. and if you like grumpy boys.. Guess it was a good switch then!
Christy: *laughs* If you put it that way! We totally graduated to a whole new level of friendship!

I have heard one too many stories from my ex-F’s bout threesomes and group sex. Few of them had tried to convince me into one but I was never interested. Maybe it’s cause they didn’t have any hot friends that I’d like to share the bed with. Although I have not actively searched for one, it had been on my bucket list.

Seth described it as fun because you’ll be laughing with your friends but doesn’t particularly fancy it because you can’t completely focus on what you’re doing.

I finally understand what he meant now. I have to say though, other than the fact that it was a foursome, the sex was way below average. Or maybe it was below average because it was a foursome

Oh well, I could not choose between the three.. But on some rare occasions, I guess I don’t have to.


VERDICT: It was really quite an experience. I doubt I’d do another group sex again unless it’s completely accidental, but I’d totally try another round of threesome with two hotties!


The Bloody Affair

A 3 month long Sahara Season was just too much. I decided to not just hang out with my friends at the club but to go out and hunt again. I mean, how else was one to get lucky? No guy would even notice you if you were hidden at a corner drinking your brains out!

Yeah sure there is Tinder. But the thing with Tinder is, it’s time consuming. Speaking of which, I was hanging out with Christy earlier and I decided, “Let’s tour the world and meet single eligible hot men.. through Tinder!” I mean if we can’t afford to go places, at least Tinder gives us the opportunity to browse their local delights, yes? NO! 

As soon as I paid that MYR 9+, Tinder totally crashed on me and ALL 720+ matches that I have cultivated over the past 2 years were GONE! I totally freaked out and tried to log in with Christy’s phone.. and ALL her 700+ matches disappeared too!

No, I did not delete our accounts. Everything simply vanished! Fingers crossed it’s just a glitch and them 720 hotties would eventually reappear.


So yeah, last night I was totally checking out this buffed up blonde dude at the dance floor. It was easy to spot him as he was by far the tallest amongst the crowd. I was as usual pretty tipsy, but not enough to jump at a random dude.

As the awesome wing woman Christy has always been, she looked right at him and told him to get his ass over to us and threw me right at him.

Origin: Germany
Ethnicity: German
Height: 6 foot. Tall and buffed
First impression: Bad ass
Age: 2 years younger

We danced. We made small conversations. Took a couple of photos. Made out.

Within the hour, Peter wanted us to leave.

That was totally cool. Except.. It was the time of the month. AGAIN!!

It really is starting to get on my nerves and my highly intoxicated brain somehow managed to come up with this brilliant idea of not telling him and throwing the pad away before we left the club.

How I managed to convince myself that it was fine to pretend I’m not on my period on the third day really beats me. I usually tell them the truth and if they were cool with it, we’d do the deed. Else, them boys gotta wait!


So we made our way back to his place, ran to the toilet to clean up. Crossed my fingers that everything was gonna be alright.

9 out of 10 random hook ups, the guys would never go down on you. Peter was that 1 out of 10! Who am I to say no to a guy who wants to please you, right?

We F-ed for a good hour and he was pretty good. But I learnt that the term German Sausage does not hold true to every German man.

When we were done, I tore the condom off him and ran off to the toilet in hopes if diminishing all trails of blood if any. I was totally relieved that my side of the bed was perfectly fine.

We F-ed again before knocking out for the night and when we woke up a couple of hours later, Peter wanted to F again. He was a cuddler too, kinda cute! I mean, cuddling with a one nighter? Sure, I could do that!

So yeah, we F-ed a total of 3 times and by the time we woke up at noon, I was thoroughly sore. He wanted to go at it again but I was done for the day.

Peter went off to the shower while I checked the bed for signs of blood and lo and behold..

There was a HUGE stain on the duvet! Not like a drop of blood but like, you know, when blood is being smeared all over.

NOTE: White sheets!



I flipped the duvet over, called for an Uber and told Peter I was gonna make a move. Like, I wouldn’t be seeing the dude again (he never asked for my number and I didn’t bother with it either) and like really, what could I have done anyway?

I cannot even begin to imagine the moment he discovers the stain and remembers the many times he went down on me. He’d probably puke in his mouth!

But I guess boys should learn not to go down on drunken hook ups!

Christy: But I guess he should know right? Like he could probably taste it when he went down..
Me: Really now? Would you know what period taste like? I definitely have no clue. And I definitely DO NOT intend to find out!!

Like F-ing EWWW! It’s my own blood and I’m totally grossed out. Poor boy! When SETH and AIDEN found a spot of blood on their sheets, they totally wanted to kill me!

I really just hope I don’t bump into Peter ever again. After all, he is leaving for good in 3 months.


VERDICT: Note to self and all you ladies out there; No hook ups during the time of the month no matter how gorgeous the dude is unless he is absolutely fine with it.

The Cock Teaser

It has been awhile since my last post. It was Sahara Season and I guess I was just plain lazy to hunt down a new F. I got plain bored of Tinder!

I almost F-ed AARON‘s housemate (I’ll leave that for another post) and this super hot Persian model that I have been eyeing on for the longest time but the timing was bad.

There was also this Chinese dude but it was the time of the month and I rolled over and slept right after I had a feel of his micro P. What went through my mind right after I felt his package was, ‘It’s so small, I’m gonna feel literally nothing. What if I fell asleep while he was F-ing me?‘. The dude is reasonably good looking, albeit short and had a solid body covered in ink.

Why is God so unfair to Asian blokes?

So anyways,

Origin: KL
Ethnicity: German-Chinese
Height: 6’2. Looks buff but is not
First impression: Player
Age: 5 years younger

I remember the exact moment I met Sebastian more than a year back. Christy nudged me as he walked into the VIP area, “That’s Sebastian. He’s SO hot! Do you know him? He’s in a lot of the club’s Facebook photos. He’s quite a regular here“.

I was instantly attracted. I got the club’s manager to get us introduced and all he said was, “Hi” and turned away. Wow. That’s not very nice!

Within the next hour, Sebastian was up on the podium with a tall lanky Chinese girl grinding and shoving her hand into his pants.

Christy immediately had a look of disgust written all over her face and lost all interest instantly. I on the other hand was way amused. I love assholes, remember?

But Sebastian was 50 Shades of Stuck Up!

Over the next few months of seeing him at the club every other week, he’d completely ignore my existence even though he knew all my friends and would say hi to them but look right past me.

Eventually, I’d roll my eyes every time I saw him.





The night after I was completely smash and ended up on Aaron’s bed, Sebastian walked past and waved at me. I was so puzzled that I actually looked behind to check if he was waving at anyone else.

Then he started talking to me. Making short, flirty conversations every time we were at the club. On many occasions, I’d catch him staring at me from a distance with that I’m-gonna-F-you eyes and he’d maintain the eye contact.

I was out at my usual joint one Wednesday night, totally flying after multiple champagne-beer shots. You have to try it if you haven’t already. It is the ultimate knock out formula!

Sebastian came in late and started being real flirty but I refused to throw myself at him given the fact that he always has a different girl on his arms almost every time I saw him.

You see, this dude is really good looking and is well known for his wealth. He always has a bunch of really hot Caucasian models with him and these girls changes all the time! I had never seen him with the same girl twice.

Sebastian: You’ll be here?
Me: Yes *continues dancing*
Sebastian: I’m going to the toilet for 5 minutes. Give me your number *waves his phone in my face*
Me: No
Sebastian: *continues waving his phone* You sure you don’t wanna give me your number?
Me: Sigh *keys in my number and continues dancing*

I didn’t want to key in my number not because I was trying to play hard to get but cause it was just soooo hard! I keyed in my number for another guy earlier on and it was just the toughest thing to do when you couldn’t even see straight. But as soon as Sebastian was out of sight, I started jumping and screaming, “YES YES YESSSSSSS!! FINALLY!!“.

As much as I hated his stuck up guts, Sebastian really is a looker. I have no idea what happened on that fateful drunk night that he decided to start talking to me but whatever it was, it clearly worked!

Sebastian texted me on and off over the months but I had no idea what his true intentions were. He never asked me out, never booty called.




I got to the club late and highly intoxicated. Sebastian was at my table with some of my friends when I arrived. He immediately grabbed on to me. Even when I moved to the other end, he’d somehow be next to me.

He was a smart guy though. He made it seem like I was throwing myself at him when he holds my hand and pulls me towards him from under the table, behind pillars.

Sebastian: *Carries me up facing him* OK can..
Me: Can, what?!
Sebastian: *Does humping moves*
Me: WTF?
Sebastian: Shaved?
Me: Whaaaaa??
Sebastian: *Looks down south*
Me: Ah.. Yes.. Oh wait, no! 
Sebastian: *Puts his hands in my pants to check*

I usually shave before I head out but it was that one rare occasion where I couldn’t give a flying F. I wasn’t expecting to get laid or have a guy check on my pubes status!

Over the months, Sebastian would continuously tease me every time we met. Cock teasers aren’t only a label for girls. He drove me insane and I seem to turn dumb every time I talk to him. You know, like how you’d be lost for words when your high school crush talks to you?

Phil and Christy reckons I’m retarded and could not figure out why I had not booty called him like I usually do with every other guy. I didn’t know why either. I guess I wanted him to make the move.

Sebastian would say things like;

Sebastian: *Passes me a drink and cheers*
Me: *Drinks the drink*
Sebastian: Do you swallow? *as I was swallowing my drink*
Me: … *almost choke*

Sebastian: *Takes my hand and holds it against his palm*
Me: What?
Sebastian: *shakes his head and wraps my fingers around his wrist*
Me: … *lost for words*

Me: I saw the photo of your cat. It’s huge! How heavy is it?
Sebastian: Bigger than you can handle.
Me: I’m sure I can handle it.
Sebastian: How big?
Me: Eight!
Sebastian: F you!
Me: Seven!
Sebastian: OK can!
Me: …. *lost for words*

Sebastian: Bye! I’m leaving!
Me: Why? Stay!
Sebastian: No, I’ll do bad things to you!
Me: …. *lost for words*




We were both at the club at separate tables and by the end of the night, we were both pretty smashed. On the way out, Sebastian stopped me,

Sebastian: *Comes really close, had his hands up my shorts* Shaved?
Me: Yes *puts my hand into his pants but it was so tight I could only squeeze two fingers in and felt nothing*

Phil started screaming for me to get going so I ran off without Sebastian. Somehow he got to the car before I did and stopped me in my tracks. Sebastian told me to get in but I refused.

It was the time of the month, AGAIN!!

Sebastian texted me when we got home.

Sebastian: You should have came.
Me: Weekend! I really wanted to play with your cat though!
Sebastian: I only offer once.
Me: Right. We’ll see about that.
Sebastian: Weekend. Last chance.

Weekend obviously did not happen. He had a girl, I was occupied with my own boys I found at the dance floor.

A week later, he went public with a girlfriend!




Sebastian joined us at our table at our usual joint. Girlfriend wasn’t around.

Friend: I remember what you said to her.
Sebastian: Did you shave?
Me: *Lifts up his shirt, tries to pull his pants down in front of everyone*

At the end of the night,

Sebastian: Let’s go!
Me: Wait.
Sebastian: Come, let’s go! *stares at me as he walks away*
Me: *Points at the seat next to me and continues talking to Christy*

Sebastian pretended to walk off while looking at me intensely the entire time. Eventually, he came back and sat next to me. Now that’s a good boy!

He got impatient and dragged me out of the club within the next 5 minutes though.

I was texting Phil the entire journey in between his fingering and the 2 second blowjob I gave him. When we got to his place, I texted Phil right before I jumped into bed with Sebastian.

All I remember was the initial penetration (which hurts a little considering I have not had a F in almost 3 months) and the next thing I know, he jumped off me and turned on the lights! I thought maybe he didn’t finish. Or that it lasted a full minute.

Sebastian did a quick clean up and sent me home. I texted Phil and he was still out having breakfast with Christy and the rest.

Me: Why do you even have a girlfriend if you’re still taking random girls home?
Sebastian: I don’t know either. I never asked her to be my girlfriend! Plus you’re just the second random girl.
Me: I’m not a random girl!! I see you every F-ing week!

I was disappointed. So very disappointed!

I have wanted Sebastian for more than a year and it turned out to be a disaster!

Oh and though he is German-Chinese, I guess all his German genes went to his good looks and height. The Chinese genes took over down south and that is pretty sad.

But when I woke up the next day, I realized from my texts to Phil that I was at his place for over 20 minutes!

5.07am I’m leaving with Sebastian. Please take care of Christy for me — When we left the club
5.15am Fingers crossed! Good dry spell breaker — When I reached his place
5.38am LOUSY! — Right after F-ing
5.43am He’s sending me home now. Where are you?

Could there be a possibility that I fell asleep during the F? OH MY GOD!!


That would be so F-ing embarrassing! As much as I was pretty floored, I didn’t black out all night, so there was no way I could have blacked out only during that 23 minutes! In my defense, I was drunk, the room was pitch black and his bed was reallllyyyyyy comfy!

I wish I could ask him what happened but I wouldn’t want to bust his ego. Oh wells..

One off the bucket list! 🙂


VERDICT: No more nothing mixed Asian! I made an exception and went on with it just cause it was Sebastian and he had been on the bucket list for far too long!

The Sex God : Part II – Best Sex Ever!

I met Sex God Sean 10 months back at my usual joint. Sean was and is the only guy who ever made me squirt.

First, you gotta read about how we met and our first F HERE.

We were supposed to meet a week after our first F but I was down with tonsillitis and Sean started travelling and left the country soon after. I was devastated. With every new guy I meet, I’d ask and attempt to teach them to make me squirt to no avail.

Early February this year, I found Sean on Facebook and added him. I was estatic when he approved and we started chatting.

Me: Hey gorgeous! Remember me? I was looking for another Sean and I found you on the list. Small world!
Him: Of course I do! How are you doing??
Me: Doubt you remember me. When are you in town again? Lets grab a beer!
Him: Come on… you did very well on my bar stool how could I forget
Me: Now you’re making me blush. You’re based in Hong Kong now?
Him: Yes but still have my apartment in KL. Feel free to use it!
Me: What would I wanna do in your apartment if you’re not there? Reminisce bout what happened on your bar stool? When will you be back next?
Him: You can do whatever dirty things you feel like doing! I am in London full next week but come right after!
Me: Come right after sounds.. wrong! Wouldn’t wanna be leaving stains all over your apartment while you’re away do we?
Him: Both sounds right to me! You, I, barstool…
Me: LOL. You, me, barstool, the week after next sounds just about right!
Him: Brilliant plan! 🙂

WOOOHOOOOOO!! I couldn’t believe it!

*does the victory dance*

Instead of texting Sean all the time, I decided I’d continuously purge photos of myself on Facebook so that he would not forget my existence.

I don’t usually post every damn thing and only post party photos when it’s someone’s birthday or if it was some kinda event but for two whole weeks, my photo purge was so intense that even my friends questioned my change of behavior!

Two weeks later, I texted Sean again but he was somewhere across the globe. I was dying to F him again but I pretty much gave up after two attempts.



Sean texted at 2.30am asking if I was awake. I would have been if I hadn’t gone out for happy hours and passed out after one too many beers.

Him: Are you awake?
Me: I am now! Was that a 2.30am booty call? (At 8am)
Him: Sort of – i couldnt sleep so needed any kind of entertainment
Me: Aww poor baby! Perhaps I could keep you entertained tomorrow instead
Him: I was only here for 24h… Leaving today 😦 But back next week!
Me: Wow that’s a really short trip! Have a safe flight then. Txt me when you’re back next
Him: OK *kiss emoticon*
Me: I’ll claim that kiss soon
Him: No doubt!



Him: Hooooraaaaa
Me: LOL sup baby
Him: Thats the last hoooraaa
Me: Now I’m confused
Him: How are you?
Me: Good! Besides having my car alarm go crazy on me, all’s good! Where you at?
Him: Am at home now! Are you out?
Me: Home.. in KL? So I’m guessing you’re bored now?
Him: Not really. Just know I owe you. I was so difficult the last time.. wanted to give you more lead time
Me: 2 days lead time? Aww that’s so sweet of you. Listen, I’m really hungry right now so if you’re up for it, we can go look for some food. Else I can probably meet you tomorrow late evening
Him: I am half naked and in boxers in my living room. So in case you are coming with food – much appreciated
Me: Are you tempting me?
Him: Aaaahh shh… my flatmate just came back from bali with his gf in the very second. So i guess i might not tempt you
Me: *angry emoticon*
Him: Unless you sneak in and promise to be quiet.. Otherwise i will have to press a pillow in your face
Me: I’d say convince me, but I think we both know I don’t need any convincing
Him: Haha so what do you need then?
Me: I’m conflicted if I should go to sleep or get fucked into oblivion
Him: I definitely fuck you into oblivion and beyond. Sounds like a good problem to have. You should start touching yourself … Will make it easier to find the answer

That was all I needed. By the time I got my ass there, it was 2am.

Preview Image 590x332 27

Sean snuck me in, chatted for 15-20 minutes tops, catching up and debating bout how he grew a belly. Sean insisted that personality topped looks while I argued that I’d pick looks over personality if it was just sex. Personality when it came to relationships, definitely!

Eventually Sean looked genuinely sleepy and cuddled up to me. After all he did message me at 12am and I only turned up at 2am. I pretty much turned, pressed my finger on his lip and kissed him. No time to waste!

We made out for a bit, the usual foreplay. I swear his hands are God like! Sean knew EXACTLY where and how to touch you. I was dripping wet within seconds!

I’m gonna hurt you so bad!

We F-ed and he F-ed really hard! Half way through, I was outta breath and demanded that I wanted his hands.

Sean dragged me off the bed, fingered me and within 5 seconds, he said, “I can feel you’re about to squirt!” and dragged me into the bath tub. True enough, I squirted within the next 5 seconds!

We continued F-ing and this time, doggy style! It’s funny though. The first time we F-ed, it hurts soooo bad! He literally reached the cervix, but this time, I could totally handle him!

Mid F, I told Sean, “Grab my hair while you F me!“. He yanked at my hair with so much force, my whole body flew up while he spanked me real hard. Soooo much pain and pleasure!

I guess by then Sean figured that I enjoyed the pain and rough sex because he got off me, went to his luggage and retrieved a belt.

Me: Wow you’re so 50 shades!
Him: No, I’m 60 shades! Tap my arms if I’m too rough alright?

Sean wrapped the belt around my neck with one hand while he balanced himself on my shoulder with the other as he F-ed me good. His stamina was amazing. I felt like my head was about to explode.

Finally he stopped;

Him: You can really take a lot!
Me: Is that not normal?
Him: No! and no more F-ing! I can never cum with a condom on, I can literally go on for hours.

Sean then demanded that I went down on him and he wanted me to be in a kneeling position. When he was about to cum,

Me: No, you’re allowed to cum!
Him: It’s not for you to decide! You sure know what you want
Me: Shouldn’t everybody know what they want?
Him: Fine. Everybody knows what they want but they don’t say it
Me: Really?
Him: Yeah, most girls don’t!

Sean then pinned me down and mouth F-ed me. Eventually I got bored and told him, “You want a blow, I want a finger. Fair trade!“. His eyes opened wide in amazement and laughed as he shaked his head at me while he inserted a finger in.

“No more for you. You’re going to squirt all over my bed in 5 seconds, I can feel it.”

When I refused to allow access into my mouth, I held him with both my hands.

Him: You like holding a big cock in your hands?
Me: Definitely. You’re huge! *sizes him* Holy shits that’s 3 whole hands!


That’s 8 inches, mind you!

Eventually we finished him off with a blowjob while he jerked himself off.

Cleaned up, and dropped dead on the bed. “Don’t worry darling, I’ll be out of here in a bit. I just need to be able to breathe first

We fooled around for the next 10 minutes then walked me to the door while spinning me in circles.

When I got to the lobby, I whipped out my phone and texted Christy, “This is no 4am drunk text, but I’m a freshly F-ed happy little girl! Sean really is a Sex God!

I’m glad Phil told me to go ahead when I was skeptical. I mean, Sean is so amazing I’d pay him to F me!

Well, Sean’s lease will be ending in 2 months. There is a high possibility that I would never see him again after that.

Even if it was a once a year affair, I’d enjoy every second of it!

I’ve had quite a hand full of guys and none of them could even come to a close second to Sean in the sack.


VERDICT: Some F’s are luxury F’s. His stamina, his dominance, his God-like fingers, his gigantic D, that gorgeous face. I could only pray that I’ll get to F him again. His girlfriends must be the luckiest girls on the planet!



The Sex God : Part I – First Squirt

Over the weekend, I was at a fairly new club in town with Christy and a bunch of other girlfriends. It was a place where people stood around holding glasses of champagne and just looked pretty. The girls were all dolled up while the men splurged on 20 bottles of champagne at a time. I didn’t belong there and I hated champagne.


After one too many glasses however, I started having a little more fun. As I wandered off to another table where some friends were, I bumped into a guy.

Ethnicity: Persian-Turkish
Height: 5″10. Buffed
First impression: Biceps. I only saw biceps
Age: No idea

We chatted and it turns out he deals alot with cars and properties. At about 3am, the night was about to end and we exchanged numbers.

Outside the club, I saw him in a brand new BMW M5. I was headed to my usual joint which closed at 5am (or was it 5.30am?) and he was too!


At my favourite club, which I often referred to as my weekend home, I found my friends at the bar. As I planted my ass on the seat, an old German guy persistently tried to chat me up. I texted Felipe to come ‘save me’ before running off to the other side of the bar to avoid him.

Just then, a dude snatched my cigarette of my hands. When I looked up, even my drunken brains registered him as gorgeous! To be honest, I really couldn’t remember much other than him being German and cornering me to the bar in an attempt to kiss me. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. Felipe would be there any minute.

Name: SEAN
Ethnicity: German
Height: 6″. A little buffed, more towards normal
First impression: Asshole. Gorgeous asshole.
Age: 1 year older

.. and Felipe appeared. I ran off to Felipe and the German was out of sight. We chatted for a bit at the sofas along with the rest of my friends.

Felipe had a bodyguard with him who knew Phil. When he finally left, Phil was like, “Congrats, you found a money bag.. I know his bodyguard!“, while the girls were like, “The German is reallyyy cute though! Why did you get rid of him?“.

Sacrifice, baby! Priorities; Bulging biceps tops a pretty face! It might also partly be that my drunk brains could spot a huge bicep from a mile away but my gorgeous radar is usually off balance. I chose the safer bet.

I thought I’d never see the German again till I left the club. Christy was being chatted up by a small Asian guy on the way out when the Sean went up to the guy.

Me: Heyyy.. what’s your name again?
Him: It’s Sean! You’re sucha player!

He dragged me out to the entrance, talked about God knows what and he forcefully grabbed my head and kissed me. DAMN I love em assholes! It was sucha turn on! Just imagine; if he could do that to me in public, what could he possibly have up his sleeves when we’re behind closed doors?


I passed him my phone where he keyed in his name as ‘Sean MY HERO!!‘ How creative!

My friends and I left for supper, or more like breakfast when I decided to check out their Whatsapp profile photos. I squeaked in delight at the sight of Felipe’s huge arms while Phil shook his head at me. But when I saw Sean’s photo, I literally screamed in excitement, “HOMAIGAWDDDD This is the dude from Tinder I was obsessed about!“.

Like seriously, we matched on Tinder, never spoke, met in real life where both of us had no idea we matched on Tinder? Wow now that is some serious coincidence!


The next day, they both texted me.

Felipe sent me pictures of his gorgeous body while Sean attempted a booty call that night itself. I told him Tuesday was a better option. It was still the time of the month.



As I braved myself to head to his place, I reasoned with myself; What is the difference if I had a beer or 2 with him first? It would be way awkward going to his place after and the end result was going to be the same so why bother wasting precious time?

When he came to get me at the lobby, my first thought was, “They were right!! He issss gorgeous!

He lived in a 3 bedroom unit in the city center that costs about RM15,000/month and had a screen on the wall with surround sound system! A true bachelor pad tastefully furnished with the fantastic view of the Twin Towers.

Long story short, we had some beers, searched for movies to watch.. made out.

Damn, Sean was an amazing kisser and foreplay was fantastic! He had magical hands.

I’m a very big guy, you sure you can handle me?

The best part? Other than him not failing the reputation of a German sausage, he could really turn me on.

As Sean stopped fingering me, I demanded for more. He dragged me over to the bar stool where he did his magic, right after he told me, “You know I’m gonna make you squirt right?“. I thought to myself, ‘Yeah right! Like that’s ever gonna happen!

.. and I squirted! It wasn’t a freaking squirt, it was gushing like someone burst a water balloon!! When it was done, I was so amazed, looked at him wide eyed, feeling like I just witnessed a magic trick;

Me: FASCINATING!! I might just get addicted to that!
Him: *laughs* That’s just the beginning. No one ever made you squirt?

As we got into the room, he asked;

Him: You want it slow or do you want it hard?
Me: Fuck me hard baby!
Him: I think we’ll start slow..

It wasn’t slow at all. Sean flipped and F-ed me in positions I had never imagined possible. I have never been to a yoga class but I’d imagine this is what it would feel like.

I collapsed when I thought he finished, entire body trembling. Lying down next to me, he asked, “Now that we’re done with foreplay can we have sex?”. Are you F-ing kidding me?!

It was impossible. I had no strength to move or even balance myself so I tried distracting him by making a conversation bout the squirting. It was the only thing that came to mind at that point of time.

You wanna squirt again?“.

OMG PLEASE NO!!“. Sean dragged me off the bed. I could hardly catch my breath. Unable to fight back and trembling involuntarily, he fingered me as he locked me in a standing position. I tried to figure out and focus on what he was doing to me down south but it was so intense my brains felt like it was about to explode!

Within seconds I squirted gushed even harder and more than the first time!! My thighs were wet, the floor had drips of my fluid! I am now wondering what would have happened if he did not stop, would my body run out of fluid to release? Would I just pass out? Was it possible to squirt over and over again like normal orgasms?

We continued in the hall with his fast and hard banging that was insane. It hurts from being too large and I felt like I was about to pass out!  I swear it was the first time I ever told a guy I needed a time out. I just couldn’t take it anymore.

Me: How was that even possible?
Him: I cannot believe no other guy ever did that to you! I’d say 8 out of 10 women could squirt, most of them didn’t even know they could!
Me: Hmm.. Really? I’ll check with my girlfriends.
Him: If they have never tried, send them to me. I’m Dr Squirt!

How would I rate it?

Looks: 8/10 – Lacking biceps but oh-so-gorgeous!
Sex: 12/10 – Fanfuckingtastic!

When I told Christy about it, she went all, “OMG I’m jealous!! 99% of the time I don’t even orgasm, let’s not even talk about squirting!

Yup, sad truth is that less than 1/4 of the men I’ve slept with actually managed to make me orgasm. I understand now why he put me on a bar stool and gave a squirt warning. He must have done it to a million other women! It is amazing that most men can’t even get me close and Sean could make me squirt on cue!

Sean is definitely F-Buddy material and I’m keeping him. Massive package, magic hands, gorgeous face and with the gym and protein shake he’s consuming, his body was a WIP. Sean really is a Sex God!

Fingers crossed he doesn’t think that I can’t keep up with him. Well, forgive me for the insecurities but I’ve always been the one who demands for more sex after and never begged for a time out. I have even been told that I wasn’t one who was easy to satisfy!

Not being able to take the curiosity that was consuming me, I asked Seth (Read about Seth HERE), “If a girl can’t keep up with you, would you still want to F her again?“. He laughed, “If she’s hot, I don’t see why not!“.

Christy asked why didn’t I hold back the sex and try turning him into a boyfriend. He acts and talks exactly like Seth. There was no way I could turn him into one. Even if I had managed to pull it off, there was no way I’d have to patience and/or ability to tame him .. and the amazing sex would die down.

To be continued HERE.

VERDICT: Who ever said Germans were not good in the sack has not met Sean! Though I’ve read plenty about squirting, I always thought it only existed in porn flicks and was a whole load of bull. That was until I met Sean!