The Import

Name: KENT
Origin: Australia
Ethnicity: Australian
Height: 5′10. Extremely bulked
First impression: HULK!
Age: 1 year older

 

3 WEEKS BACK

It was a typical day swiping on Tinder when I matched Kent.

Kent was in KL for holidays and was to head to Bali next but was stuck in KL as his brother accidentally took his passport back to Australia with him.

When we finally got to chatting, the chemistry was really good. Conversations were easy. The dude was witty. I usually do not bother with tourists, because like what is the point really? A date, a F and byebye. What if I liked the dude?

But because Kent was so extremely hot in his photos and so much fun to chat with, we agreed to lunch the following day before his flight out of KL. Kent had the body of Khal Drogo from Game of Thrones, except much fairer with short hair and no make up.. much larger biceps too! Looks wise, he looked like a roughed up pretty boy. Just. My. Type!

Unfortunately (or fortunately, else this story would not make it into the blog), time was a constraint. Kent was waiting for his passport to be delivered and by the time he got his hands on it, it was either meet and risk missing his flight, or to forget my existence. It was me or Bali.

So as we both went on with life, we somehow continued chatting.

By the time Kent got back to Australia, we chatted every waking hour.

Kent was a cop who dealt with armed robberies/break ins, a trainer with black belts in 5 different martial arts, an almost dive master, a shooting enthusiast and an animal lover. Oh and he loves super heroes!

Kent would share stories of his daily adventures as a cop. It was hilarious as much as it was sometimes heartbreaking to listen to. Kent seemed like a person who was full of energy and loved life.

Me: Why don’t you come back in 2 weeks for my birthday?
Him: I would love to but I’m not sure if I could take a long leave. I’ll check on my roster.

I told myself to have no expectations after what happened with HUGO. This dude was in Australia, not just across the border in Singapore!

But when Kent finally finalized his leaves and bought his flights to KL for 5 days (2 days after my birthday), I was estatic!

Him: Happy birthday!
Me: Awesome birthday present! I didn’t think you’d really come! After booking all these stuff, I doubt you’d change your mind!
Him: Why would I not come?! Clearly you’re epic. I barely text girls in my own city at all much less another country! The fact I have been texting you so much means you must be pretty amazing! And I am willing to travel for amazing 🙂
Me: Aww! Sweet talker aren’t you?
Him: It’s not meant to be sweet talking, just the truth. You’re stunning looking, great to talk to.. It’s at least worth the trip over to see what the chemistry is like!

I was excited as much as I was nervous. Kent was due in KL in less than a week and although I enjoyed every moment of chatting with him, I had a nagging feeling that something wasn’t right.

As I told Kent about how I felt about not having too much expectations as everything was fueled purely by our imaginations at that point of time;

Me: No expectations. But promise me this one thing, what ever happens in KL, do not ghost me after. 
Him: I can’t even imagine doing that to you. I’ve never done something like that and I’m not about to do that ever!

Kent was totally optimistic. He also made it clear that he wasn’t travelling just to get laid. Clearly we could both easily gotten some action in our own countries with less effort;

“Assuming KL goes well and you still like me, I am not even joking. I am 100% sure I want you to come spend time with me in Australia. You can stay at my house and all your food and travel and stuff will be sorted by me so that wouldn’t cost you a cent. And as for flights, I am more than happy to fly you over to me. So all you need is to provide some time off work. I’m not even thinking about it happening, I’m already planning it. Like the only reason it won’t happen is if you don’t want to visit.

I feel super lame because I’m meant to be this big tough martial art police man but it’s the truth and I feel comfortable telling you this stuff knowing you won’t think less of me. I was walking down the street in XXX today getting a coffee with my partner. And I was thinking “in a few months I’ll be walking down this street holding Tess’ hand while we go to a coffee shop and have a look in these interesting shops and it’s really pretty here, I think she would like this area.

Look, I have no doubt about KL at all. I’m totally excited!”

I JUST TOTALLY MELTED INTO A PUDDLE! WHO SAYS THINGS LIKE THAT!!

NOTE: Those are his exact words. I copied and pasted them.

We planned for me to take all 5 days off work to take him around town. Planned on what and where to eat. Kent even got a hotel 5 minutes from where I lived!

Fast forward all the chatting and stuff, Kent made his way to KL. He initially wanted to buy me dinner at this 5 star hotel but I didn’t want him to spend that much. I’m stupid like that!

As I made my way to meet him in the restaurant, I didn’t have that happy-nervous-excited feeling I usually do with promising dates. Instead, I felt strangely dreaded. Like, what am I doing importing this dude from across continent?

 

DAY 1 – THE DATE

Kent looked exactly like his photos. Bulky. Pretty boy with an amazing smile. But.. I could tell from the first 5 minutes of conversation that we were lacking chemistry.

We chatted for 3 hours through dinner. Though the conversation was pleasant, the spark was missing. Non existent.

I’d say if I have to pretend to be interested in anything that comes out of your mouth and plaster on a fake smile, then I’m not really having a good time, am I? Yes, I realize I have only been blogging about disasters. I’ll make it a point to write about some happy dates (that also ends as nightmares) soon!

By the time the restaurant closed, we headed back to his hotel on the pretense of chilling at the pool. But the pool was obviously closed so we went back to his room.

After about an hour of chatting, I decided that we’d might as well F and see what the chemistry was like compared to our good-for-nothing general chemistry.

The F was.. good. He had the moves. He made me squirt. Size wise, he was average. But the chemistry just wasn’t there! Like, it didn’t feel eww, neither was it amazing.

Kent went to clean up right after he came and so did I. When I got back into to room and plopped onto the bed, he pulled me up asking to head down for a smoke and pulled away when I wanted a hug.

Okay. I’ve had more than enough experience to be able to smell coldness!

After 2 ciggies;

Me: I’ll leave if you want..
Him: Okay. We can validate your parking ticket.. bla bla bla..
Me: You know what, it’s 3.30am. I’ll stay the night, take you out for lunch and you can come back here after.
Him: Sure, that works too.

When we got back to the room, Kent immediately went to sleep and only put his arm on top of me when I requested for a hug. Like literally just planted his arm on me. I swear my one nighters who were complete strangers had managed wayyyy more love in their cuddles than that! Some of them are pretty damn adorable too!

Yeah I sometimes cuddle up to my one nighters for some temporary love and affection fix. Works wonders for lonely nights!

 

DAY 2

Woke up to Kent being grumpy. Got showered, headed out for lunch before he headed back to his hotel for the gym. We planned on meeting at 4ish to head out for some super hero coffee later that day.

I was beginning to dread meeting him. We had zero chemistry. I didn’t know how the next days were going to pan out!

At 4.30pm, I texted Kent. Nothing. Called him, nothing. Called the hotel reception and they couldn’t reach him at his room. I was furious. If you don’t already know, I hate getting bailed on.

Kent finally replied at around 7pm explaining that he fell asleep at the pool and felt a little bit ‘off’ after the nap but would be fine with dinner though he needed to sleep early so he could head to KL for some jujitsu in the morning. Okayyy..

Dinner and desserts went alright, I guess. We talked, but not in the way where we were interested in what we both had to say. We talked for the sake of talking. It was exhausting!

By the time we got home, I texted Kent;

Me: Thank you for dinner and everything btw. I really hope your trip to KL has at least been pleasant so far considering you came for me and I can clearly see the disinterest. Like I can totally feel the coldness radiating from you and getting friendzoned after sex.
Him: Mmmm coldness really? I honestly don’t feel like I’m friendzoning you. I’m not big into holding hands and affection in public in general. I’m not in a good mood today and I was feeling a bit off this afternoon so I’m probably not the best company! But I didn’t mean to seem cold or whatever!

Right. *rolls eyes*

 

DAY 3

I woke up needing to get my vape fixed. And because Kent mentioned that he wanted to get hold of some vape juices while he was in KL, I asked if he wanted to come with.

Called him, nothing. Texted, nothing. Bah, whatever.

Eventually he replied asking what time I wanted to leave but decided he’d rather stay in and continue napping.

But that was it.

By evening, I asked if he was still up for dinner. I was supposed to be a good host, taking him out his entire trip, remember?

Kent completely ignored my texts, not even reading them though I can clearly see him going on and offline.

Christy reckons he was sleeping. But I could see the dude moving around KL from Facebook’s Nearby Friends feature and him liking bikini models on Instagram, posting stuff about riots in Australia on Facebook.

I sent him a text saying how he should at least respect other people’s time considering we had planned for me to take him around and if he preferred to be left alone, he could just say so.

No reply.

More than anything, I was annoyed. After midnight, I shot him another text telling him how disappointed I am with the way he chose to handle the situation –

“I agree that we aren’t anywhere as good as we had envisioned our meeting to be. I guess its just the expectation of something that turned out way different in real life.

But chemistry doesn’t have anything to do with the person you have been texting with.

I would have expected enough respect and dignity to talk about it before you vanish on your host so impolitely and refuse to even read my texts. So much for promising to never ghost me huh?

There is so much I wanna say but I have no clue how to put it in words.

Let’s just say I’m disappointed with the way you decided to handle the situation. I didn’t feel the spark either, but I still had the decency to follow up.

This could possibly be the biggest disaster in my dating history but like I said, chemistry can’t be forced. I refuse to believe that you came all the way just for sex. So other than not being able to get along as amazingly as we hoped for, there really is no reason to behave this way.

I had imagined every worse case scenario before u came and frankly, it turned out far worse than I possibly thought it could”

By then, I could see that Kent was out somewhere in KL and when he finally did check my texts, he was back in the hotel at 4am. So much for not being a drinker huh?

Still, no reply.

 

DAY 4

I was furious. I mean common, although I F around plenty, Kent didn’t know about it. So assuming I did not F around, how shattered would I have been? It was outright getting played out!

Like, I did not do anything to deserve being ghosted on without so much as a word especially when I was supposed to be his host. If Kent was just another KL dude, he wouldn’t have heard from me after Date 1!

angry-woman

By evening, I was raging to the point of ranting it all out to KURT (Yeah, we’re BFFs now). I was so antagonized that my hands were shaking as I texted Kent;

“You’re officially the biggest asshole I’ve ever met. And to think that I thought you were a nice guy and kept making excuses for your behavior.

Turning cold after sex is one thing, completely disappearing is another level of low. I never thought you could be so immature and it is utterly disrespectful, be it sex or no sex, chemistry or not to behave this way.

No fuckboys I’ve ever encountered had came close to how much you’re such a massive waste of time. I wish our paths never crossed. You absolutely disgust me. Like really, fuck you!”

Then I blocked the dude. I blocked Kent on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Tinder.. everything! No reply in this lifetime would make me feel any less pissed than I already was.

But I guess without Kurt, I wouldn’t have eventually calmed down.

Me: Love yaaa!! Not in that way. What would I do without you!
Kurt: I know. In a way that no one can take it from us 😉 Lovey dovey love never lasts.
Me: We came a long way darling. And looking back it’s really funny. I just have to say that sometimes it makes me feel better that you were the one and possibly only guy that I went full on bat shit crazy with and you still care bout me.. makes it feel like I’m not that horrible after all.
Kurt: If it helps you, you are not horrible. You were lost. But you already have been way more lost than today. I think you’re getting there. Go sleep and don’t be mad. He wasn’t worth it. And be glad the fucker doesn’t steal any more of your time.

 

I still don’t know what to make of the whole importing Tinder date. HUGO never made it through. The weekend date with CRUZ was pretty much a fairy tale compared to the disaster that struck this time.

Failure-is-simply-the-opportunity-to-begin-again-this-time-more-intelligently.-Henry-Ford

I wouldn’t consider myself a failure. I did manage to convince and/or lure a dude to fly in to see me after all. It’s just that the whole situation is THE ultimate failure and Kent handled it like a total man-child.

Maybe next time I’ll prolong the F-ing. Like, F them on the last day or something. But then again, if I did that, I’d have wasted several days to find out if they are indeed an asshole!

I had imagined all sorts of worse case scenarios and nothing came close to this. Then again, I wasn’t on the losing end; The joke’s on him. I wasn’t the idiot who flew across continents to get laid!

No doubt I still feel stupid for believing his bullshit. He might have lined up several Tinder dates along with me!

Yes, never heard from him since. He could easily text me on WhatsApp if he wanted to. I never bothered to get his number, but he has mine.

PS: No F-boy EVER vanished on me without a word!

PPS: I’m not a horrible person. I’m still friends with my ex-boyfriends, most of my ex-F’s and ex-flings in a purely platonic way.

 

VERDICT: Nothing good ever comes out of Tinder. Having said that, I wish they had a review feature on Tinder like they do for Uber or Coachsurfing!

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The Nerd

Name: MARC
Origin: Australia
Ethnicity: Australian
Height: 5′8. Lean
First impression: Nerd
Age: Same age

 

So Marc is one of the boys who hangs out with Tanya’s group of friends. We party together once or twice a week and I’ve been observing him for the past couple of months.

Unlike every white boy (or any boy for that matter!) in KL, Marc does not hit on the ladies. All he does is drink and talk when spoken to.

I’d say Marc is a total nerd who hangs out with a bunch of raging alcoholics just because a few of the boys are his high school buddies. His parents moved to KL when he was only seven.

It was refreshing to see a non F-boy. Marc was like a unicorn in the midst of herds and herds of rhinos. Oops.. it’s called a crash of rhinos. Had to Google that up!

Anyway, when I announced to my friends that I was intrigued by Marc, the typical responses were;

Tanya: Marc is a super nice guy. Please don’t break his heart!

Christy & BF: Marc is a sweet heart. He’s not your type at all! And he’s definitely not a F-boy!

Val: Marc is so nerdy. If he has a big D, you can keep him!

Yup! That was it, I was gonna go for the kill.

 

3 WEEKS BACK

We were out drinking at my usual joint and when I was all nice and boozed up, I noticed Marc was standing behind me. I grabbed his hands and placed them on my waist while I continued dancing.

When I decided to kick it up a notch, I dragged Marc out to the dance floor and continued grinding him to a hard on. Dayum! It felt massive!

.. And we made out. Marc seemed to have the moves, tugging on my hair, acting like he knew what he was doing. I was even more intrigued! Maybe Marc was a closet beast? *squeals*

When the night ended, we had supper along with some friends where Marc would hold my hand whenever I rested it on his thigh.

The next day;

Me: I made out with Marc!
Tanya: Whaaattt?! I hardly see him even talking to a girl, how did you even do it?
Me: I’m not sure. I was drunk. Only Phil saw everything.

Me: Guess what? I made out with Marc! And he had a huge hard on!!
Christy: You did what?! Marc is like a piece of wood. What did you do to him?
Me: Well it’s hard to avoid a hard on when your ass is on it.
C: Ah so you unleashed the wood in him. Literally. Tess oh Tess, not bad. I’m proud of you!

Yeah, some achievements needs to be announced. Plus, I kiss and tell. All the F-ing time.. as I do on this blog.

 

A WEEK LATER

Out at our usual joint with 10 bottles of Black Label and 6 bottles of Moet, and only 6 of us, we were all completely smashed by the end of the night.

Marc and I were making out on the dance floor towards the end of the night and with everyone gone, I had to send the dude back.

We continued making out in the car.

Marc: Do you have condoms?
Me: Who said anything about F-ing. I’m hungry, we are going to eat!

After supper, I sent the dude home. Again, he invited me in but I declined. I just wasn’t in the mood for it.

I texted Marc when I got home and he replied the next day.

Me: I can’t seem to get my mind off those kisses.
Marc: Haha is it that bad.
Me: Oh so it’s bad to you?
M: No I thought to you.
Me: It’s stuck in my head, of course it’s a compliment.
M: Ok haha thanks. Just a kiss, I didn’t think I did anything special.
Me: Then should I be looking forward to anything ‘special’?

Silence.

Just pure silence. The girls insisted that Marc might have been shy. But being shy is no excuse to not reply. That is just rude! Even F-boys has the decency to follow up till they got in your pants!

I decided to just drop the chase.

 

LAST WEEK

I was out with a bunch of girls for Ladies Night and Tanya decided to join. And with that, GERALD came with Marc too.

Gerald, whom I’ve known for the past 10 years and F-ed 5 years back is now a friend who has the hots for Tanya and is one of Marc’s closest friend. Gerald is based in Singapore so we only party together whenever he is in town.

Gerald: So what’s the story?
Me: I’m too embarrassed to tell you.
G: You’re Tess. What can possibly embarrass you?
Me: Fine. Two weeks back, I made out with Marc.
G: WHAT?! *burst into laughter* How desperate were you?!
Me: Well, he seems nice. And he’s not a F-boy. And nice guys can be kept!
G: Since when do you wanna keep guys?
Me: He ignored my text though.
G: Here’s the thing. Marc thinks he has game. But has no game at all. He’s not a F-boy, but he’s not nice. In fact he’s quite a douche to girls.

Long story short, when we were done at the bar, Gerald headed home and I drove Marc and I to our usual joint. When I sent him home, I had to borrow his washroom cause apparently I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

We made out at his yard. When I unzipped him, whoaaaaa it is one of the largest D I’ve ever held. 8 full inches and a pretty damn good girth too!

But the F was so below par that I just couldn’t finish.

I mean, the dude just doesn’t seem to know what he was doing. Marc couldn’t unbuckle the bra (front clasp), he was worse than a virgin with his fingers, he wasted the 8 inches when he didn’t seem to dare thrust it all the way in. Eventually, I just completely gave up.

We had some pillow talks and cuddles, mostly because Marc didn’t have a clue on how to throw me out and I was just too lazy to get my ass up and drive all the way home at 6am. It’s a 40 minutes drive, FYI.

Eventually, Marc just had to;

Marc: Do you wanna stay over?
Me: Nah, I need to get home.
M: You sure? Your car is at the front gate though, we can move it in.
Me: Don’t worry, I’ll leave in 5 minutes.

The next day, no text. Seriously?! But Gerald did.

Gerald: Did you behave?
Me: Nope!
G: Was it at least good?
Me: Nope! Don’t even know why I bothered.
G: Told you not to but you wouldn’t listen.
Me: I need to maintain my QC (Quality Control) man. I went to a different level of low with this one. If any of my ex-fucks knew, they’d laugh at me!
G: I’m already laughing at you!

 

2 DAYS LATER

I told my friends I wasn’t going to party as I had a Tinder date. I actually had a bunch of Tinder dates since my last post but they’re to sad to post about. I’ll get to it soon enough.

Somehow my girls managed to convince me to join them after my date and I managed to convince my date to come with me.

When I got there, Gerald mentioned that Marc was on the way over and everyone knew that we made out.

When Marc arrived, he pretty much ignored my existence until the point where I accidentally looked right at him and had to wave hello at him. I did see him watching me several times through the corner of my eyes though.

Gerald: Have you kissed him (my date) yet?
Me: Nope.
Gerald: Ok, I want your first kiss to be in front of Marc.
Me: Geez why? That’s just mean!
Gerald: Because he deserves it. He is being stuck up and no one should behave that way, especially when they don’t deserve to, if you know what I mean.

Well it wasn’t something that was up for debate. My date eventually went for the kiss at the table itself and not only Marc, but the entire table witnessed it. At that point of time, it wasn’t like I cared anyway. I’ll leave the story of this date for another post.

 

THE NEXT DAY

Me: Everyone knew I made out with Marc. I shouldn’t have made him lose face like that.
Gerald: Marc should have known you’re like that anyway. It’s not gonna be the last time you hang out with us. Does that mean just cause you made out with Marc, you can’t make out with any other guy in the club?
Me: You’ve got a point. Still feel bad though.

With no text or follow up from Marc, I’ll just leave it be.

Honestly, I wouldn’t mind F-ing Marc again just cause I really do love his size. I wouldn’t even mind teaching him how to use it properly. It’s a massive waste of a good D if he didn’t know how to fully utilize it!

Let’s just see how bored I get 🙂

 

VERDICT: You really cannot judge a book by it’s cover!

The First O.N.S

5 MONTHS AGO

At about 1am on a Thursday night, I was home chatting with Hugo (Read about Hugo HERE) when Phil called, all heart broken pleading to head to our usual club.

I was getting ready for bed and truth be told, I very much rather stay in and continue chatting. But of course at that hour, he was about to call it a night and I soon caved in after some convincing.

Me: OK fine. I’ll go have a beer and check out the eye candies.
Him: Don’t you want to hunt?
Me: It’s the time of the month babe. First day.

As we entered, we stood by the bar checking out the dance floor when a guy walked by. Phil immediately nudged me to look, “Your type“.

He was tall and buffed, very pretty features I must say. Tailing right behind him was a shorter Asian guy who was just as buffed up.

Must be gay“, I told Phil.

It was really crowded for a Thursday but as time passed, I decided there were no hotties for the night and retreated to the bar where I held on to my beer watching Phil dance. The only hot ones around were most likely gay after all.

They passed by twice before he made a bee line to the bar and stood right beside me while waiting for his drink.

Him: Is he your boyfriend? *points at Phil*
Me: No, definitely not. Is he your boyfriend? *points at the Asian dude who was standing nearby*
Him: No way!

Name: ASTON
Origin: Thailand
Based: Australia
Ethnicity: Thai-English
Height: 6″2. Buffed
First impression: Superstar! He looked like a MTV V-Jay or something
Age: My age

Turns out he had been on vacation in KL for the past 8 days, stayed in the 5 star hotel right opposite the club and was headed back to Australia the next morning. Definitely could not have guessed he was half Thai.

We talked some, got closer and the next thing I knew, we were making out. From the moment he mentioned that he was living right opposite I knew what he wanted but I shoo-ed him off anyway.

couple-kissing

Me: Go find other girls.
Him: Really? You want me to go?
Me: Yeah, go ahead. Really. Come back if you don’t find anything.

He left and Phil was shocked.

Phil: Why did you ask him to go away? Weren’t you like drooling at the sight of him earlier?
Me: Red sea, remember? What’s the point?
Phil: Owhh..

After one too many beers and submarines (tequila shots submerged in beers) for a Thursday night, Aston came back to me and we immediately kissed. I was pretty much flying by then.

Him: Come with me. I live opposite.
Me: I’m not coming with you. Really.
Him: Why?
Me: Because, it is the time of the month!
Him: I don’t care, it’s not my bed. Do you care?
Me: Owhh..

He got the hint. A few minutes later, he pulled me away from my friends right after I told Phil I was headed to the dance floor.

We made out a little at the corner before he took me by the hand out of the club. I was thinking to myself, “Now, this is new. I have never left mid-party for sex and definitely not during the time of the month. Definitely not right opposite the club too!”

2

Walking towards the hotel, I wondered out loud;

Me: Why am I following you? This is way weird!
Him: Because I look like this *points at his body and smirks*
Me: Hmm.. Good enough for me!

By now, you should already realize that I have a thing for cocky assholes who ooze confidence.

Placed a towel, and got straight to it. It was good though most of my thoughts revolved around, “Am I leaking? How long is this gonna take? How long have I been out? Would Phil be looking for me by now? What if Phil left without me? This better end soon..”. Not the sexist of thoughts during sex for sure!

He started chatting right after sex with the questions still running wild in my head. I had no idea how long I’ve been out of the club and as much as I’d love to stay, I really wanted to get back to my friends (and beers!). Instead of exchanging numbers, we exchanged Facebook.

He walked me down with me literally running back to the club. Phil was standing in the middle of the club staring into the crowd when I got back.

jj-giovanna-battaglia

Phil: Where were you? I looked everywhere!
Me: At the dance floor! I was looking all over for you too!
Phil: Never mind, come drink!

We partied till the club closed at 5am with me glowing in happiness. I have never had a real one night stand. You know, the kind every body talks of where you meet, have sex and never see or hear from them again?

When I got home, I texted Hugo, “I wish you were here“. Yes, I did. If only it was Hugo instead of Aston.

 

VERDICT: I’d say my first experience of a ONS was close to perfection except for the fact that I ain’t too comfy bleeding right in front of a complete stranger and having a million questions running through my head. Well, it could have been worse. Least I nabbed the hottest dude in the club by far!