Online Dating – What NOT to say

So I’ve had my OKCupid profile for a long time now. The ratio in which I reply is like 1 out of 30?

After all these months, I still receive like 5 messages a day on average. My inbox was flooded with messages when I first signed up and seriously, what is wrong with men out there?

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Recently, I decided to compile a messages that makes me go all Ewwww so here’s what NOT to say;

 

A PLAIN HI/HEY/HELLO

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If you were at a bar and you stumble upon a girl that tickles your fancy, would you go up to her and just say, “Hi”? Like hello and full stop, nothing else and just stand there?

Good on you if you do but that is not something I encounter. Wouldn’t you at least say something along the lines of , “Hi I’m Brad and you are?” or “Hi are you having fun?”

 

BOOTY CALL

Even if you looked like The Rock, or Brad Pitt or Ian Somerhalder, you will still sound like a douchebag.

No girl is gonna jump out of the virtual world and in to your bed if all you want is sex without at least a decent conversation first! Think about it, if you were in a club, would you walk right up to a girl and said, “Hi, lets have sex!”. Chances are you’ll get a hard one across your pathetic face.

Besides all the “would you like to come to my place?”, I received a ridiculously long essay from a guy who explained how his friends were all settling down and he realized he is now all alone. Then he proceeds to tell me that all he wants is to have some fun without commitment. All within the first message!

If God was good to you and gave you a face of Ronaldo you might just get some reaction from girls.

I received countless messages like these, the most recent one being; Oh Tessa I’d fuck you so bad!

Wow! So much charm! *rolls eyes*

 

PICKING SOMETHING OFF HER PROFILE

Yes that is what every article on online dating advice tells you to do. But when a girl receives one too many messages asking about her love for cheese, it becomes boring. Just imagine being at a bar and one guy after another comes up to you and asks what is your favourite drink and why. The girl would be replying the same line to every guy and there is just nothing that would excite her anymore.

I was sitting at the cafe with some friends over the weekend and we whipped out our Tinder. My girlfriend started randomly messaging the guys. One of them had a photo of him cooking with some white stuff on the chopping board. She asked, “is that garlic or parmesan cheese?”

That is a pretty good conversation starter I must say. Instead of pointing out something he wrote on his About Me, she picked on the tiny details in his photos.

 

TEMPLATE MESSAGES

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Please for the love of God, don’t send the same message to a 100 girls! At least use your brains when you do! A guy sent me a message about how gorgeous my smile is.. when I wasn’t smiling in any of my photos.

Template messages are an equivalent to lame ass pick up lines. Try going up to a girl in a club and tell her, “Hi gorgeous, are you a Flappy Bird? Cause I’d love to tap you all night long!”

 

CAN WE CHAT?

I’m beginning to sound like a broken record but serioussssly?! Would you walk up to a girl and say, “would you like to talk to me?”. If you have something to say, say it! If it is not something you would say out in real life, why would you say it on a dating site/app?

Ie; Hi Tessa, you’re cute. I wanted to speak to you. How are you?

 

BAD GRAMMAR/SPELLING

Biggest turn off ever! Nuff said!

 

Now I regret deleting all the many lame messages I received over the months but here are a couple I compiled over the last 2 weeks of not deleting. I wouldn’t reply them even if they looked like Ian Somerhalder from Vampire Diaries!

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Love to know more about you
That’s all? Not even a hi?

I wud luv to take u out clubbing sometime soon
Spell check please?

Hey ya, this might be a bit too quick but I got a couple of tickets to the movie blended, you fancy going? No pressure just a movie, after all what’s better than meeting ppl to get to know them 🙂
You don’t even know my name and you’re asking me for a movie? And by mentioning the word pressure is already pressure!

haha you’re kinda badass with that profile pic and plus we’re like 76% matched, pretty high i’d say, we should talk more 🙂
Like I’ve said, if you got something to say, say it! Why are you laughing at the beginning of a sentence? Would you go to a girl and laugh before starting a conversation?

I think you have a sexy pussy
Try walking up to a girl and say that to her face, you retard!

I’m from XXX and I’m master student in XXX at XXX. I’m 29 and single man. Nice to meet you.
Is this a job interview?

Hello naughty girl, I want to ask u out instead of just chat talking, agree?
Why are you calling someone you don’t know a naughty girl? Could you please check your grammar first?

Hey! You look like a sexy, cool girl. We can have some fun online 😉
Like you want naked photos of me? LOL Don’t I have anything better to do?

 

and to end my short list of not so appealing messages, please never write her an essay like this! Who is gonna read through that pile of words if not just cause I’m retyping it for this post?

Hi Dear xoxo Pleasure to meet you, How are you? 😉 I pray your in the very best of health!!! I’m 25 & born/bred from England UK. I couldn’t help but notice how attractive you are. You have this artistic look, I guess you’re an articulate woman. I can’t stop looking at your pictures, your making me blush. I admire the way you dress, you seem to have good fashion sense, who taught you how to dress so well? Are you an interior designer? You make my whole room look beautiful. You have a graceful & gracious smile, looking at your smile enables me to smile too. You smile would light up the night sky. You look petite & a have good figure, I guess you must go gym to look as good as you do. Your skin looks elegant & smooth, are you using a magic cream? To make you skin look exquisite. You seem exotic, adventurous, tropical ans pristine. I would love to take a walk with you on a beach & read a book we both love under the bright yellow sun. I see the ocean when I look into your eyes. If you spat in the ocean, the whole ocean would become sweat. If you touched my heart it would skip a beat. I would love this opportunity to get to know about your extraordinary life & to be friends, would be highly appreciated.

Thanks Dear xoxo 🙂

I rated you 5 **** Stars

What is wrong with this message? EVERY DAMN THING! It’s too damn long and like seriously, if you spat into the ocean, it’ll become sweet? Oh God, what is wrong with him?

BePolite

Instead, try being polite;

Hi – I’m only in KL for a few weeks, but do you fancy meeting up and going for a drink?

Hello! Straight out I’ll say I’m here for work for just 2 days 1 night, living in Singapore for now, can only use this app with wifi and thus often go silent, and I think you’re hella cute. How’s your day this far?

Hi Tessa! How are you? Hope the weekend is going well..