The Horrible Sex

I realize now how most of my posts consists of, “OMG he is so huge!” and “It’s so large I couldn’t take it anymore!

It is not always sunshine and rainbows. My story today is of two bad drunk decisions which I would much rather not remember. But oh wells, life has its ups and downs and so does my sex life.

 

No one has breakfast at Tiffany’s and no one has affairs to remember. Instead we have breakfast at 7 am and affairs we try to forget as quickly as possible – Sex and the City

 

Name: DAMIEN
Origin: KL
Ethnicity: Indian-Chinese
Height: 5″10. Normal
First impression: Party animal
Age: 2 years younger

Damien is part of the group of friends I party with regularly. He was a party animal who would never miss a good party.

One drunken night, I tripped and Damien held me up. I blame my brand new wedges, I just can’t balance on it even when I’m sober.

Anyways, somehow we started dancing and grinding and obviously, made out. I must give him the credits for being a good kisser. I always thought good kissers equaled good sex. Boy, was I wrong!

The whole bunch of our friends were laughing at us while we made out at the bar. Yes, even through my blurry drunk memories I remember how one after another, they came up to us and laughed at our faces or told us to get a room.

When we were about to leave, one of my close friend, Kenny asked;

Him: You sure about this? Seriously Tess, you can do better than this.
Me: Yeah he’s a good kisser!
Him: *sigh* Your call!

I was determined to try an Indian. I have never been with one and they have a reputation for a large package. Kyle has been persistently convincing me to try an Indian. He is a pure bred Indian who claims to have a snake living between his legs.

Back at Damien’s place, as soon as he got undressed, I got the shock of my life. Like seriously, it was one of the smallest sized package I’ve seen on a guy.. and I certainly had higher expectations of an Indian cross breed!

download

The sex was bad. At least I was so extremely wasted that it was still tolerable. I had to fake moan so he thinks he is doing it right to get it over and done with. I could hardly feel a thing!

We knocked out right after and when we woke up, he went at it again. Mid F-ing, he said, “Sorry I’m bad in bed“. Seriously? Like the actions weren’t speaking louder than words already, you have to point it out too?

I was too hungover to be bothered, it’s not like it was any work anyway since both sessions lasted a mere 3 minute or so.

Damien sent me home and we acted like nothing happened ever since. Our friends persistently asked about the night to no avail. I wasn’t going to announce how tiny or bad the sex was. He was our friend after all. I decided that if I did not tell, they would never know for a fact if I did or did not sleep with him.

 

 

Name: SASHA
Origin: KL
Ethnicity: Indian-Punjab-Chinese
Height: 5″11″. Normal, a little buffed
First impression: Talks too much
Age: 3 years younger

Damn I’m beginning to sound like a cougar! I met Sasha through Phil at a party one night.

I was drunk outta my skull when I was introduced to him. All I remembered was he talked way too much bout stuff I cannot even begin to recall. After much continuous yabbing, I got fidgety. “Just shut the F up and kiss me already!

shut-up

We made out.. and we made out all night.

Him: I’ll drive you home.
Me: Why?
Him: Cause I still want to kiss you.
Me: That’s lame.
Him: I want to fuck you?

Fast forward, Sasha went down on me as soon as we got into bed. Brownie points for being hard working but no extra credit for the lack of experience or what ever else you would like to label a boring foreplay.

But all brownie points went down the drain when I felt his package. My mind was boggled, “Shits! Yet another small one?“. I was cursing myself for my streak of bad luck with men.

Thank God Sasha had whiskey dick that went limp after 1-2 minutes. He lay down next to me, apologized and said, “I’m sorry, it’ll be better when we wake up“.

I would have fell asleep if he had not reminded me but my drunk blurry brains immediately woke up and went into overdrive – Holy shits! When we wake up?!!

HELL NO!! I jumped up and got dressed.

Him: Where are you going? Let’s sleep!
Me: Nah, I want my bed. I’ll take a cab home.
Him: No. I’m a gentleman, I won’t let you do that. I’ll drive you home.

Sigh.

Sasha talked the entire journey back to my place. I thank God it was only a 10 minute ride. I was much more sober by then and it was really intolerable.

He texted me a couple of times throughout the week where I politely replied a word or two before ignoring him. But when he tried to booty call me for the second time saying, “Hey how about we meet one more time? No alcohol this time? I didn’t do you any justice the last time” (his exact words), I had to get rid of him.

I obviously could not bring myself to tell him that it wasn’t only the lack of performance but the lack of length AND width, so I decided to tell him that I had started dating someone and he stopped bothering me since.

 

I cannot believe my terrible luck. When I told some girlfriends about it, they ALL told me their experiences with the Indian package was way above average.

Kyle: I never thought there were so much issues with dick sizes until I met you. All my Indian friends are huge. All my Chinese friends are huge too!
Me: It isn’t just me. Yesterday Christy told me she couldn’t go through with it even though the guy was super sweet because it was literally the size of her pinkie finger. Nothing more! And the guy was a six footer!

pinky finger

Or maybe, it is because there is a hint of Chinese blood in them and that messed up their size. Either that or its my streak of bad luck.

Bad drunk decisions are a nightmare. I feel like crap for days after and usually lay low till I don’t remember the incident as clearly. Obviously my friends would not let me forget it when I brag about my awesome new scores or when I’m being too picky.

Kyle’s favorite excuse for me has always been, “It’s good to do some charity work every now and then. You cannot only have the washboard abs every single time. Give these guys a chance too!“.

 

VERDICT: I’m still a little terrified to bother with another Indian for now. Not to be racist or bias, but I am generally not too attracted to them anyway. There was once upon a time where I was but my taste in men evolves from time to time like the weather so I’m pretty certain it’ll come around again eventually.