Two weeks back, Christy turned up at our usual joint with the whole crew from her sister’s wedding. Her sister’s hubs, although not that great looking, oozes sex appeal.
I was then introduced to his little brother.
Height: 5″10. Lean and VERY muscular
First impression: Bad boy
Age: 4 years younger
Todd had his brother’s features but was way better looking. He had this mysterious bad boy vibe going on with hair covering half his face and all the way down to his ass. And his body.. Oh. My. God!! He looked like he was made of pure muscles!
Christy: Come meet my brother in law! He’s very shy, doesn’t talk much but is really good looking.. look! *puts my hands on his chest and abs*
Me: Fine, fine. I will after a couple of shots.
When I finally decided to chat him up, Todd was really uptight, replying only with one liners.
Christy: You should try him out! I think he’s really good looking.
Me: He doesn’t even talk!!
Christy: Isn’t that a challenge?
Me: Bring it on! I get a burger if I get him.
Christy: You’ll have to sleep with him for that burger! He’s seriously very shy though. I’ve never seen him talking to a girl! EVER!
After a few more attempts, I dragged Christy up to Todd.
Me: Is he gay?
Christy: I don’t know. Are you?
Todd: No I definitely am not!
The ‘are you gay’ line had always been my last resort.. and it works every single time! If the guy is cold to you, accuse him of being gay and WALLA! Next thing you know, you’d have his tongue down your throat!
.. and that’s exactly what happened with Todd. I’d give a better description of how I ended up making out with him all night but I have no F-ing clue! He did however manage to pull off the whole rough making out and I was convinced he’d be a good F.
I’d estimate that we made out for a good 3 hours and when the night ended, I told the shy boy;
Me: I’m gonna F you tonight.
Him: No babe, not tonight.
Fine. We exchanged numbers and parted ways.
When I woke up the next day to a massive hangover, I called Christy.
Me: Babe!! WTF happened? How did I end up making out with him?
Her: I’ve no idea, I was so F-ing wasted!
Me: Yeah, you made out with him too! I totally freaked out!!
Her: Don’t be so dramatic! Please, please do not bring that up again, it’s just another kiss, with another guy from another club on another week!
Me: Riggggghhhtt!! You should have seen it from my eyes babeee!! You came to us while we were making out, said you wanted a threesome and kissed him! I was like uhhh.. babe that’s your brother in law!!
Her: But really, you guys making you is a pretty big deal. I really have never seen him talking to a girl. Did he text you?
Oh no he didn’t! That kid doesn’t get to make out with me all night with no follow up so I texted him;
Me: Hey Todd! Tess here. Did you get home safe?
Him: Who’s the F is this?
Me: Is this Todd?
Me: Ok, sorry!
Him: Nah just messing. I’m alright!
Me: Text me on Whatsapp!
So I found out from Christy that Todd is not on Facebook and does not use Whatsapp. Weird. But 2 days later when I have totally forgotten bout his existence, Todd texted me on Whatsapp! Christy, her sis and her hubs were totally amazed!
Come weekend, after the night of my epic switch, I texted Todd in the evening. Read about The Epic Switch HERE.
Me: Hey what you up to tonight?
Him: Nothing, what do you have in mind?
Me: More like where do you have in mind?
We settled for a budget hotel nearby at 11pm that night.
Todd turned up drunk!
He couldn’t walk a straight line, pushed me on the bed, made out, went down on me, ripped my bra apart.. Yes, he tore my bra. He’s lucky I wore an old one that day or I would have screamed at him.. and the best thing happened.
HE COULDN’T GET IT UP!!
He freaked out, going all, “No F-ing way, not today of all times.. and here I am thinking it was going to be awesome!” then locked himself in the bathroom for a good 45 minutes trying to get it up.
I on the other hand couldn’t believe what was happening. I know about how it is when a guy can’t get it up. I had 2 ex-boyfriends who were like that and as soon as they got into the “F, not right now” mode, there’s no way in hell it’s waking up, especially not when you’re drunk!
So as I lay on the bed while he desperately wanked off in the bathroom, I decided that he is after all Christy’s family and I should not be an ass to him. Under normal circumstances I would have dressed up, knocked on the door to tell him I’m leaving.
But I dragged him out, and chatted with him for almost 2 hours till my tummy started rumbling and I decided to head to my usual joint to look for Phil who told me that Aaron was there making out with some chic. Read about Aaron PART 1 and PART 2.
Me: I’m headed to the club. You could come if you want to, either way, I’m going.
Him: You sure you want me to come?
Me: Yeah. We could have some beers and you can be there with me to annoy someone.
Sure, he couldn’t F. But he was still a F-ing good sight for sore eyes! I felt content just looking at him and the thought that I could have F-ed something that hot had my ego shooting out of the roof!
At the club, Aaron’s friends broke into a fight with Phil and some guys at the next table. Phil and Aaron were talking and when Aaron saw me, he screamed, “YOU!! I F-ING HATE YOU!! YOU AND I, WE TALK LATER!”
I drunk texted Aaron the night before..
Me: Where are you?!
Him: I can’t come I’m wasted! *sends image of blowjobs shots*
Me: You were wasted two hours ago. COME!
Him: My brother is driving and he is sending me home.
Me: Tell him that if he doesn’t turn up, I’ll never bring you guys in for free again.
Him: Really? Fine!
Yup. I pissed the hell outta Aaron the night before with my drunk texts but as soon as Aaron laid eyes on Todd, he came to me and hugged me real tight while planting kisses on my cheeks;
Aaron: How are you? Is that your new guy?
Me: *Smiles and pats Todd on his muscular chest*
TESS – 1
AARON – 0
And when Todd left for the washroom, Aaron came up to me again..
Aaron: How are you babe? Apart from the texts last night, I F-ing miss you! *tries to kiss me*
Me: Stop it! He’ll be back soon!
Aaron: We’re leaving now. You can come over later if you want. We’ll all be at my place.
Me: Dude, I’ve got a guy to deal with..
Aaron: That guy? Yeah, I’ve a girlfriend thing going on as well, did I tell you?
Me: Yes. So we are not gonna F anymore!
Aaron: No, we can. I still want to!
Me: No, I don’t want to. We are not F-ing anymore.
Aaron: Ok but that’s you. I still want to F you! *tries to kiss me again*
Me: Behave yourself! Go home!
By the time Todd came back, I was in the shittiest mood ever. I looked at him, rubbed him down on his chest and abs, and I still felt nothing! Good Lord, even a sack of muscles couldn’t pull me out of the rut Aaron had put me in.
Fast forward, Todd got drunk on 4 beers, I had to drag his ass into the cab and he was dead to the world as soon as he landed on the bed. When we woke up, I was hungry and we left soon after with him still moping bout his failed erection.
Although I didn’t get laid, the weekend was just epic! Todd couldn’t F but I sure was proud as hell parading him around the club as my trophy boy!
3 days later as I was chatting with Christy, she left me a voice note;
Her: OMG OMG I wanted to tell you but I totally forgot. My sister told me this. Todd.. is.. a.. virgin!
Me: OMG ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME?!!
Her: Todd told his brother bout it. They picked him up in the morning after you left and he was really down. Apparently that night he announced to his family that he was going on a date when he went out to meet you.
Me: This can’t be real man! I almost F-ed a virgin? IT’S A BOOTY CALL NOT A DATE!
Her: Yes. I’m kinda glad you didn’t take his virginity away. He’s a very quiet guy. I heard that during the wedding his parents actually took photos when they saw him talking to his brother’s friends!
Oh wow! I may have turned into a cougar, but I ain’t no virginity thief! How could I have missed all the signs?!
Imagine if he had actually gotten it up, I’m pretty sure he would have had a pretty good first F. I give pretty damn good instructions! But on the hindsight, I’m glad it didn’t happen.
As much as I’m sure guys just wants to get rid of their virginity as opposed to girls saving it for The One, I’m sure there’s a better way for him to lose his than to someone 4 years older than him who’s only interested in his muscles at a budget hotel on a booty call.
VERDICT: Again, never judge a book by it’s cover. The bad boys might just turn out to be a virgin!