The Cock Teaser

It has been awhile since my last post. It was Sahara Season and I guess I was just plain lazy to hunt down a new F. I got plain bored of Tinder!

I almost F-ed AARON‘s housemate (I’ll leave that for another post) and this super hot Persian model that I have been eyeing on for the longest time but the timing was bad.

There was also this Chinese dude but it was the time of the month and I rolled over and slept right after I had a feel of his micro P. What went through my mind right after I felt his package was, ‘It’s so small, I’m gonna feel literally nothing. What if I fell asleep while he was F-ing me?‘. The dude is reasonably good looking, albeit short and had a solid body covered in ink.

Why is God so unfair to Asian blokes?

So anyways,

Name: SEBASTIAN
Origin: KL
Ethnicity: German-Chinese
Height: 6’2. Looks buff but is not
First impression: Player
Age: 5 years younger

I remember the exact moment I met Sebastian more than a year back. Christy nudged me as he walked into the VIP area, “That’s Sebastian. He’s SO hot! Do you know him? He’s in a lot of the club’s Facebook photos. He’s quite a regular here“.

I was instantly attracted. I got the club’s manager to get us introduced and all he said was, “Hi” and turned away. Wow. That’s not very nice!

Within the next hour, Sebastian was up on the podium with a tall lanky Chinese girl grinding and shoving her hand into his pants.

Christy immediately had a look of disgust written all over her face and lost all interest instantly. I on the other hand was way amused. I love assholes, remember?

But Sebastian was 50 Shades of Stuck Up!

Over the next few months of seeing him at the club every other week, he’d completely ignore my existence even though he knew all my friends and would say hi to them but look right past me.

Eventually, I’d roll my eyes every time I saw him.

tina-fey

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9 MONTHS BACK

The night after I was completely smash and ended up on Aaron’s bed, Sebastian walked past and waved at me. I was so puzzled that I actually looked behind to check if he was waving at anyone else.

Then he started talking to me. Making short, flirty conversations every time we were at the club. On many occasions, I’d catch him staring at me from a distance with that I’m-gonna-F-you eyes and he’d maintain the eye contact.

I was out at my usual joint one Wednesday night, totally flying after multiple champagne-beer shots. You have to try it if you haven’t already. It is the ultimate knock out formula!

Sebastian came in late and started being real flirty but I refused to throw myself at him given the fact that he always has a different girl on his arms almost every time I saw him.

You see, this dude is really good looking and is well known for his wealth. He always has a bunch of really hot Caucasian models with him and these girls changes all the time! I had never seen him with the same girl twice.

Sebastian: You’ll be here?
Me: Yes *continues dancing*
Sebastian: I’m going to the toilet for 5 minutes. Give me your number *waves his phone in my face*
Me: No
Sebastian: *continues waving his phone* You sure you don’t wanna give me your number?
Me: Sigh *keys in my number and continues dancing*

I didn’t want to key in my number not because I was trying to play hard to get but cause it was just soooo hard! I keyed in my number for another guy earlier on and it was just the toughest thing to do when you couldn’t even see straight. But as soon as Sebastian was out of sight, I started jumping and screaming, “YES YES YESSSSSSS!! FINALLY!!“.

As much as I hated his stuck up guts, Sebastian really is a looker. I have no idea what happened on that fateful drunk night that he decided to start talking to me but whatever it was, it clearly worked!

Sebastian texted me on and off over the months but I had no idea what his true intentions were. He never asked me out, never booty called.

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FEW MONTHS BACK

I got to the club late and highly intoxicated. Sebastian was at my table with some of my friends when I arrived. He immediately grabbed on to me. Even when I moved to the other end, he’d somehow be next to me.

He was a smart guy though. He made it seem like I was throwing myself at him when he holds my hand and pulls me towards him from under the table, behind pillars.

Sebastian: *Carries me up facing him* OK can..
Me: Can, what?!
Sebastian: *Does humping moves*
Me: WTF?
Sebastian: Shaved?
Me: Whaaaaa??
Sebastian: *Looks down south*
Me: Ah.. Yes.. Oh wait, no! 
Sebastian: *Puts his hands in my pants to check*
Me: DUDE REALLY NOW?!

I usually shave before I head out but it was that one rare occasion where I couldn’t give a flying F. I wasn’t expecting to get laid or have a guy check on my pubes status!

Over the months, Sebastian would continuously tease me every time we met. Cock teasers aren’t only a label for girls. He drove me insane and I seem to turn dumb every time I talk to him. You know, like how you’d be lost for words when your high school crush talks to you?

Phil and Christy reckons I’m retarded and could not figure out why I had not booty called him like I usually do with every other guy. I didn’t know why either. I guess I wanted him to make the move.

Sebastian would say things like;

Sebastian: *Passes me a drink and cheers*
Me: *Drinks the drink*
Sebastian: Do you swallow? *as I was swallowing my drink*
Me: … *almost choke*

Sebastian: *Takes my hand and holds it against his palm*
Me: What?
Sebastian: *shakes his head and wraps my fingers around his wrist*
Me: … *lost for words*

Me: I saw the photo of your cat. It’s huge! How heavy is it?
Sebastian: Bigger than you can handle.
Me: I’m sure I can handle it.
Sebastian: How big?
Me: Eight!
Sebastian: F you!
Me: Seven!
Sebastian: OK can!
Me: …. *lost for words*

Sebastian: Bye! I’m leaving!
Me: Why? Stay!
Sebastian: No, I’ll do bad things to you!
Me: …. *lost for words*

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LAST MONTH

We were both at the club at separate tables and by the end of the night, we were both pretty smashed. On the way out, Sebastian stopped me,

Sebastian: *Comes really close, had his hands up my shorts* Shaved?
Me: Yes *puts my hand into his pants but it was so tight I could only squeeze two fingers in and felt nothing*

Phil started screaming for me to get going so I ran off without Sebastian. Somehow he got to the car before I did and stopped me in my tracks. Sebastian told me to get in but I refused.

It was the time of the month, AGAIN!!

Sebastian texted me when we got home.

Sebastian: You should have came.
Me: Weekend! I really wanted to play with your cat though!
Sebastian: I only offer once.
Me: Right. We’ll see about that.
Sebastian: Weekend. Last chance.

Weekend obviously did not happen. He had a girl, I was occupied with my own boys I found at the dance floor.

A week later, he went public with a girlfriend!

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LAST NIGHT

Sebastian joined us at our table at our usual joint. Girlfriend wasn’t around.

Friend: I remember what you said to her.
Sebastian: Did you shave?
Me: *Lifts up his shirt, tries to pull his pants down in front of everyone*

At the end of the night,

Sebastian: Let’s go!
Me: Wait.
Sebastian: Come, let’s go! *stares at me as he walks away*
Me: *Points at the seat next to me and continues talking to Christy*

Sebastian pretended to walk off while looking at me intensely the entire time. Eventually, he came back and sat next to me. Now that’s a good boy!

He got impatient and dragged me out of the club within the next 5 minutes though.

I was texting Phil the entire journey in between his fingering and the 2 second blowjob I gave him. When we got to his place, I texted Phil right before I jumped into bed with Sebastian.

All I remember was the initial penetration (which hurts a little considering I have not had a F in almost 3 months) and the next thing I know, he jumped off me and turned on the lights! I thought maybe he didn’t finish. Or that it lasted a full minute.

Sebastian did a quick clean up and sent me home. I texted Phil and he was still out having breakfast with Christy and the rest.

Me: Why do you even have a girlfriend if you’re still taking random girls home?
Sebastian: I don’t know either. I never asked her to be my girlfriend! Plus you’re just the second random girl.
Me: I’m not a random girl!! I see you every F-ing week!

I was disappointed. So very disappointed!

I have wanted Sebastian for more than a year and it turned out to be a disaster!

Oh and though he is German-Chinese, I guess all his German genes went to his good looks and height. The Chinese genes took over down south and that is pretty sad.

But when I woke up the next day, I realized from my texts to Phil that I was at his place for over 20 minutes!

5.07am I’m leaving with Sebastian. Please take care of Christy for me — When we left the club
5.15am Fingers crossed! Good dry spell breaker — When I reached his place
5.38am LOUSY! — Right after F-ing
5.43am He’s sending me home now. Where are you?

Could there be a possibility that I fell asleep during the F? OH MY GOD!!

article-1258077-08BA2343000005DC-141_468x290

That would be so F-ing embarrassing! As much as I was pretty floored, I didn’t black out all night, so there was no way I could have blacked out only during that 23 minutes! In my defense, I was drunk, the room was pitch black and his bed was reallllyyyyyy comfy!

I wish I could ask him what happened but I wouldn’t want to bust his ego. Oh wells..

One off the bucket list! 🙂

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VERDICT: No more nothing mixed Asian! I made an exception and went on with it just cause it was Sebastian and he had been on the bucket list for far too long!

The Highschool Crush

I’m just not in the mood for work.

While mourning the lost of my rather huge sale and the potential of getting an iPhone 6 and a beach vacation with me, myself and I where I could bake in the sun all day and Tinder all night for a week, instead of scrolling endlessly through pictures of hunks and gorgeous nail arts on Instagram, I decided to dig out an old story.

Throwback to early high school years when I was 14; I had a crush on Shane.

Name: SHANE
Origin: KL
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 5″10. A little chubby back then
First impression: Class clown
Age: My age

Shane was a classmate. Always goofing around, disturbing girls. Although Shane was adorable and sweet, he wasn’t one of the popular boys. Nobody knew, but I had a huge crush on him.

high_school

At the tender age of 14, just chatting on the phone for hours and hanging out in class was a pretty big deal.

One day, a bunch of us girls skipped school and got caught. When we got back from the principle’s office, my other 2 girlfriends were bawling their eyes out. I wasn’t sure why but watching them cry, I started sobbing myself. Shane comforted me for the longest time. He always made me smile.

The next year, Shane migrated to Sydney, Australia.

We kept in touch through ICQ/mIRC and MSN Messenger, chatting almost daily. I was always entertained by all his stories. The cultural difference Down Under, the parties.

When we were 17, clearly we did not sit home in front of the PC as much and so we would occasionally SMS one another updating on our lives. But I was dating Leo then and he wasn’t happy when he found out. I explained that we were only friends and the dude was a million miles away but he still wanted us to seize all contact. Fine. I did it his way. Read a little about Leo HERE.

We totally lost touch. It was a time when ICQ, mIRC and MSN Messenger were no longer in use. Facebook was not even popular yet.

 

One day, I dreamt of Shane. We were in our class when we were 14, making out at the back of the class. The dream was so vivid even when I woke up.

I searched the Internet for Shane to no avail. After a couple of hours, I gave up. I went about with life as usual but a few months later..

I dreamt of Shane AGAIN!

This time, I told Sherry, my then best friend about it and begged her to search the Internet with me. I refused to give up and eventually, I found a website that Shane and his friends started. They uploaded videos of themselves at parties, silly kung-fu moves, “fight” scenes, endless pictures.

That website led me to his MySpace profile and guess what? Shane was no longer the chubby little boy I remember. His transformation was astounding! Buffed and toned, Shane oozed sexuality!

I started up a MySpace account, added Shane and caught up on all the lost years.

 

FAST FORWARD

At 21, Shane came back to KL for a vacation with his best friend for a week. Though I was happy, I was going through a rough patch after all that I went through with Sid. Read about Sid HERE.

The first night we were out partying, I got pissed drunk on Vodka and started sobbing uncontrollably in the ladies. Shane noticed I was missing and came into the washroom looking for me only to find me in tears. He gave me a shoulder to cry on and eventually I was back in the club partying.

A girl friend of mine was fooling around taking photos with Shane’s friend, lip to lip. I drunkenly told Shane I wanted a photo like theirs. Next thing I knew, we were making out all night. I remember photos of him carrying me while lip locked, with friends cheering us on in the background, us flashing our undies (more like his undies and my g-string) at the camera.

But being the shy(er) girl that I was back then, things were awkward the next night we partied. We pretty much ignored each other and he left the day after.

Shane came back for a short trip the following year. He made a pass at me when we were out partying but I was dating Chad then and had sworn to myself to be loyal at that point of time. Read about Chad HERE.

 

2 YEARS BACK

Though we are friends on Facebook, we did not exactly keep in touch other than a few comments here and there on statuses and photos.

One day, I got a call from a random number. Shane was in town for a week for his dad’s funeral. It was a Wednesday night and he wanted to party.

I gathered a few close friends, picked him up from his relatives’ home and took him to a club nearby where only locals hung out.

Me: Shouldn’t you be mourning? Or at least sad?
Him: My dad would have wanted us to go on with life. I’m dealing with it in my own ways.

If I ain’t at my usual joint, I’d be at this particular club just because drinks are cheap and I felt so much at home. It’s a bonus that I occasionally score free drinks from the bar because the club’s manager is an old friend.

Shane was to join a body building competition at the end of the year and he was huge! It really was an impressive transformation from the once upon a time chubby boy I knew. We both know how we used to have a crush on each other. We also knew that at that point of time, we are both still physically attracted to one another.

It was only midnight but our friends were starting to leave.

Me: If you want to stay and drink, you could. Don’t worry, I’ll get you home safe. I won’t take advantage of you.
Him: Are you sure you don’t want to? *smiles cheekily*

By 2am, with all the beers, vodka and tequila shots, we were both whacked. He attempted to kiss me in the club where I told him no. I knew too many people there and I was in the early stage of dating Luke. Read about Luke HERE.

When the song Danza Kuduro by Don Omar came up, he dragged me out of the club and sat me down at the lounge area.

Him: Do you know the meaning of this song?
Me: Nope. Do you?
Him: La Mano Arriba. It means ‘your smile’. Cintura Sola; it’s so beautiful..

Shane went on and on, somewhere along the lines of that, describing it to be the cheesiest love song ever made. Some months later, I Googled the meaning only to realize that all the song was saying is to ‘put your hands up, moving only the hips‘. Smooth!

Shane grabbed me and we kissed the most passionately drunk kiss in history (if that’s even possible) when we entered the car.

plls2e15makeout

Him: Take me home with you. I’m gonna ravage you!
Me: No! I don’t live alone.

We ended up at a budget hotel in the area.

Him: Why were we too chicken to do this 7 years back?
Me: I don’t know. You were the only one who ever got away!
Him: So I’m just a trophy to you?
Me: You know you have wanted this the whole time too.

Unfortunately Shane had a whiskey dick that did not last too long and so we pretty much drunk talked and made out all night before the guilt kicked in and I made a move, leaving him stranded in the room.

 

When I told Christy about Shane, she was beyond amused. “First you have a crush. Then you make out. Then sex. The next time he comes back, you guys are gonna get married!

I have not seen or spoken to him since but I’m sure as hell that I’d be seeing him the next he’s in town.

 

VERDICT: Shane and I have came a long way since we were both 14. Some attractions can last a lifetime (or at least more than a decade!)

The Millionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Some years back I was in the luxury car industry.

To summarize it, I spent a lot of time networking with clients. No, not what you think. All they wanted were pretty young things hanging out with them at the bar while all I wanted was their contacts, to get to know everybody. It was a win-win situation.

We are talking millionaires. Possibly billionaires who owned and were in the luxury car clubs. Mostly very rich old men. Some very fatherly, some were out right sleazy. The nice ones are still my friends till today and I’m grateful to have met them.

I was with a friend of mine at a bar when I bumped into a couple of them. Man, the word subtle does not exist in their dictionary. While talking about cars;

Guy: You’re my kinda specs.
Me: You think I’m a car?! What kinda specs do I have?
Guy: The kind I like.

Gosh, it seems like the less you’re willing to entertain them, the more they want your attention. I reckon with a snap of a finger, the panties of a girl drops which explains how my playing hard to get intrigues them to a point of calling me out for drinks multiple times a week. Just that, it’s really not hard to get my panties to drop, you just need a pretty face and some bulging biceps!

So anyways, back at the bar.

We were drinking (obviously!) and chatting when a young chap plopped on the bar stool at our table and started yabbing away. He immediately caught my attention.

Name: HANS
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 5″10. Skinny
First impression: Rich spoilt brat
Age: 3 years older

We introduced ourselves and I was immediately drawn to his charisma. Hans was cute, charming, very talkative and funny. I learnt that he lived near me, has a driver and he owned a Go-Kart.

go-kart-racing-sydney

Me: You OWN a Go-Kart? Why would anyone own a Go-Kart?!
Him: For fun. It’s like a sport. We race occasionally.
Me: You just have too much money and no where to spend it! *rolls eyes*

OK, I know my reaction was uncalled for but unlike many girls who hung out with them, they knew I was not impressed by their moolah or ability to spend, or at least the way they spent so unnecessarily. Most times I’d be going, “That is someone’s monthly salary you’re spending in a night!“.  I ordered beers instead of champagne like all other girls. They knew what I wanted was never their money.

You are one cheap date. Most girls expects champagne. All you need is 3 beers a night!”

 

ONE WEEK LATER

I was itching to meet Hans again. I called Jenna asking her to help me out, “I can’t handle the crowd and get his full attention. I can’t do it alone. Pleaseeee come with me!“. She agreed.

I texted Hans, “We are having drinks tonight. You wanna join?“. Immediately smacked myself in the head. What if he had forgotten me? What if he ignores my text?

I waited and waited and finally he replied, “Sure, you want to have dinner with me first?

OMG! Dinner? Like a date?

He picked me up. Much to my surprise, he did not have his driver with him and came down to open the car door for me. Impressive!

We braced the bad traffic and much to my disappointment, everyone else had arrived when we got there. No private dinner afterall.

Through the night I’d catch him looking at me from across the table not so discreetly, he proudly told us of how he bought a unit at a luxury condominium for under 2 million which was a million below market value. I also learned of his dad’s passing and how he inherited his family’s wealth. He is clearly a very intelligent and capable man with many businesses of his own. Jenna picked up on how he mentioned, “I don’t like girls who are easy to get, I like a challenge“.

Oh so I have gotta drag this on? Le sigh.

As the night was ending, everyone was highly intoxicated. For some reason that I can’t recall, the guys demanded I kissed Jenna where I loudly proclaimed, “I really much rather kiss Hans“.

Just to shut them up;

Me: *kisses Jenna on the lips quickly*
Hans: *immediately after* OK, my turn! *kisses me on the lips*

I was shocked. For at least a minute I was speechless and all I could do was look at Jenna who laughed hysterically. Oh wow I really did not think he was that interested!

In the car, Hans was going on and on like a happy little boy about his awesome purchase, “I really want to brag. Please let me show you the unit I just bought. The view is magnificent! I promise I won’t touch you and I promise to get you home safe“. All I could think of was, “Could I promise to keep my hands off him?

It's the same condo

It’s the same condo, not the exact unit though

When we got to the unit, magnificent was an understatement. I felt like I was in one of those Hollywood movies where the rich hot bachelor brought a girl home to have hot passionate sex on a grand piano with jazz music in the background in candle light.

Except in my case, the house was still empty with only a white couch in front of the glass window/walls with a postcard view of KL. Like really, instead of a wall, it was made out of glass. It was breathtaking.

Hans gave me a tour of the empty house, lightly touching my waist while leading me around. Ever so often, he would smile at me suggestively. By the time he plopped on the couch and patting on the space next to him signaling for me to enjoy the view with him, my brains were about to explode. I kept repeating in my head like a broken record, “Please control yourself, please control yourself. Challenge.. challenge!! If I F-ed him tonight, I’ll most likely never see his face again!“.

I smile, “Let’s go. It’s so empty, it scares me“.

 

ONE WEEK LATER

It was Gina’s birthday. It was also one of the luxury car club’s annual dinner. I wanted in. But I found out so last minute that there was no way I could score myself as a date.

I called Hans in the morning inviting him to dinner and Gina’s birthday that night.

Him: I’ll come for the party but I can’t make it for dinner. I’ve this annual dinner to go to.
Me: Really? Can I invite myself?
Him: Sorry, it’s by invitation and it’s too late to get another one now. How about we have lunch later instead?

We met up at a nearby mall for lunch.

Him: Why are you so nicely dressed today?
Me: Naw.. not really.
Him: You look good. Do you dress like this all the time?
Me: No, not really.. *instantly wanting to slap my head*
Him: So why today?
Me: I guess it depends on my mood *slaps head again*
Him: So how’s your mood today?
Me: *looks for a place to bury my head*
Him: *Smiles to himself*

Gahh!! Hans 1 -Tess 0

double facepalm

We had lunch and shopped for his annual dinner’s costume and Gina’s white themed party before we parted ways.

That night, Hans arrived in full white from head to toe looking like a knight. We were both happily intoxicated by the time he arrived and truth be told I don’t remember much of the conversations other than the fact that I was dancing with this hot guy and he dragged me away.

We started dirty dancing at the bar and he was like, “Not here.. lets go to the dance floor”.. and the dance floor we went!

The way we grinded, we would already be having sex if we were not fully clothed. He has got the moves and he could really seduce. I could feel his breath on my skin but his lips never touched me.

Him: You enjoy playing with fire huh?
Me: *Shrugs*
Him: If I had no self control..
Me: Naw. I definitely have self control.
Him: Oh is that a challenge? That was only 75%. If I gave you a 100%, we’ll be naked on my bed now.
Me: Oh, realllyyyyyy..

No where as decent

We parted ways when the night ended. As much as I wanted to follow him home, I needed self control. If the guy wants a challenge, he got a challenge.

In the next 2 weeks, we went Go-Karting, lunch, dinners. I was crying inside that I did not allow myself to sleep with him just yet but the game was fun nevertheless. He was fun to be with. Very much different from all the other men I have dated. If I wanted a glass of whiskey, he’d order a RM600 bottle of whiskey. Can’t decide on a meal? Choose 1 item per page on the menu. Don’t worry, I’m totally against food wastage so I always made sure he finished his share.

Me: Please stop picking me up in your sports car. I’m starting to feel like a gold digger!
Him: You are not a gold digger. I can smell one from a mile away. I can see you just want to have fun!

One night, we met up for a late dinner after my meeting and headed to a club for his friend’s birthday.

When we arrived, Hans immediately started talking to a girl. Super tall, crazily hot. I was fuming. How dare he bring me here just so I could watch him chat up another girl while watching my reaction? Little did I know that the chic was actually one of the guy’s mistress (I’ve met his wife).

Then it started again. He started provoking me to dance. I ignored him but after a couple of whiskey, we started grinding all over again. When I was already breathing hard from all the grinding and dancing (and mostly being turned on), he began massaging my neck and shoulders, all the way down to my lower back to the rhythm of my breath. I swear my ovaries could have exploded! Where do men learn such techniques!

Him: Why are you seducing me?
Me: Why are YOU seducing me?
Him: Because I can!
Me: Just returning the favor!
Him: What am I gonna do with you?!! I might just take you home!
Me: You wouldn’t!

At one point while we were dancing, he bent down and tried to kiss me. I pushed him away. “Ha! That was a failed attempt!” and I laughed hard, so did his friends. We continued to drink and dance.

He tried again. When he requested for a kiss on the cheek, I gave him a lightning speed peck. He asked for a slower one. As I was approaching, he turned n I backed off immediately and laughed at him till my stomach hurt. “Attempt no.2 failed. How much more do you wanna fail tonight?“.

We continued dancing with his face glued to mine, forehead to forehead. I had to turn away, but he told me, “I’m not going to kiss you. Just look at me‘. It was so intense and extremely hard to resist, but I knew I had to control myself. My hormones were raging and he was driving it up the roof.

Past midnight, it became clear that we were both frustrated from all the seducing and wanted some real action. Hans dragged me out of the club.

We entered the car at the valet, drove off a little before he stopped and pulled his hand brakes. He demanded for a kiss on the cheek. I told him I wanted one first and we exchanged a peck, half expecting it was going to be a trap again. But it wasn’t. Feeling a little disappointed, I wondered out loud, “I’m surprised it wasn’t a trap“.

Hans pulled the brakes again and looked at me, pulled me slightly closer to him while I kept blabbing on and on about self control.

Just shut up and kiss me!“.

Hans grabbed my head and we were in it for THE kiss. It was awesome. I felt like I have waited forever for that moment. It was forceful and I loved the dominance! As soon as the kiss ended, he smirked, “Third time’s the charm! Good things comes to those who wait“.

I had a feeling he attempted the first two failed kisses on purpose just so he could use that line. Half of me wanted to go to his place so badly. Half of me expected him to drive me back to my car.

We headed to his place with the crazy view where he pushed me on the couch and the rest of the night was history.

When we were about done;

Me: I don’t know about you, but I can never fully enjoy sex with alcohol.
Him: Me too. We should try this when we are sober!
Me: No way dude!
Him: *makes a reference to the movie No Strings Attached*

.. and a F-Buddy was born!

Over the months, it was a lot of fun. We shagged randomly at his 3 properties, went out on dinner and lunch dates, partied together till it became clear we got bored of each other.

After about 4 months, we drifted apart naturally.

The last we spoke, Hans is now married with a new born baby girl. Lucky girls! He did try to booty call me some months back while wifey was pregnant but hell no! I may be promiscuous but I do not do married men.

 

VERDICT: I finally understood the appeal of rich men ever since Hans. But the moolah still don’t appeal to me. Waiter, a set of gorgeous biceps to take away please? Oh with a side dish of abs too?

The One Too Many

I’ve had one too many Chinese men and when ever friends are going, “What is it with you and foreign men? Are the Chinese not good enough for you?

My answer is usually, “I’ve had enough Chinese to last me a lifetime“.

Like seriously, among the more memorable (and embarrassing) ones through out the years are;

 

THE BEST FRIEND

Name: CHRIS
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 6″. Toned
First impression: Player
Age: My age

He was my best friend since 14. The ultimate player with the looks to go with it. Girls would literally walk up to him and offer to buy him drinks.

We grew up together with him giving me advice on men. He was my go-to guy for the male’s perspective of things. For the love of his life, he could not understand why men took interest in me. He used to say, “I’d rather shoot myself in the head than to do Tess”.

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For more than 10 years, we spent a whole lot of time together. Movies, parties, hanging out at his place. I always proudly told everyone, “Chris would bang everything with a hole. I’m the only one who ever got away”.

2 years back, possibly out of boredom or curiosity, one drunk night we ended up having sex. Things became wayyy awkward after.

With him initiating sex all the time and never there for me when I needed him, I wrote him off as my best friend.

Him: Are you ignoring me? I tried calling too..
Me: Yeah, congratulations! You went into the list along with the pile of guys I’ve had sex with and don’t intend to talk to or fuck anymore. Enjoy your stay!

When he came to me after his recent break up, I told him off, “You’re only my best friend when you act like one. It’s flattering but I don’t need yet another F-Buddy. You might want to get in line for that.”

Chris apologized but things were never the same again, especially when he is still expecting sex.

 

 

THE MALE VERSION OF A VILLAGE BICYCLE

Name: GERALD
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 5″9. Buffed
First impression: The player
Age: My age

Every girl in town who clubbed frequently knew him. Or at least heard of his name. Girls would either go, “Oh Gerald, which girl doesn’t know Gerald“.. or “Gerald? Ewww don’t talk to me about him again!”

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He has probably F-ed every hot chic out there and is in the clubs every weekend looking for more. I personally know of 3 other girls who has slept with Gerald.

When Phil found out that Gerald was trying his luck me, he told me of how a close friend had slept with him. Apparently he was very well endowed for a Chinese.

That sparked my interest.

Long story short, 2 years back I slept with him out of curiosity; Was he really as huge as they say and why was every girl sleeping with him? Would having slept with a 100 girls meant he would have the experience to match?

In bed, it was outright boring. Almost like having sex with a virgin. I reckon he enjoyed the chase more than the sex itself.

Package wise, he was indeed pretty large for a Chinese but not the largest I’ve seen on one.

I never bothered with Gerald again though to date he is still occasionally texting me.

 

 

THE TEENY WEENY WEINER

Name: JACK
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 6″1. Ripped
First impression: Korean artist
Age: My age

I met Jack through some friends and when my ex-boyfriend, Leo found out that I made out with him in the club once, he told me of a story. A true story of why Jack’s ex-girlfriend constantly cheated on him even though he seemed like the perfect boyfriend.

Apparently, she told the world of how tiny his member was. When they had sex, instead of thrusting with his ding-dong still in her, it would come out at every single thrust and it hurts big time from all the unnecessary poking. It was that tiny.

I was amazed. Jack was good looking, tall and ripped, with gorgeous abs.. Could he really be that unfortunate?

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When I bumped into Jack at the club next, I made sure he sent me home. We made out a whole lot in the car and I remembered about the story. Unzipped, stuffed my hand in.. WHOA! It is true!

I know it’s shallow for me to do so, but I had to feel it for myself. If an average package of a 5 incher was considered a German sausage, his would be much like the size of McDonalds’ fries. I could hold it whole with one hand and that would be like, less than 3 inches with a hard on!

He tried to take me home, but are you kidding me? I might have been curious but I did not need to feel first hand how it would hurt so unpleasantly.

 

 

THE ONE WHO PLAYS WITH FIRE

Name: CODY
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 5″11. Buffed
First impression: Gorgeous and innocent. The shy boy
Age: My age

He had a girlfriend. I had a boyfriend. I used to have a major crush on him during my high school years but timing was never right.

He was gorgeous and did not look like your average Chinese dude. He flirted and charmed me day in, day out. Even after he finally got in my pants, he took me out on dates, brought me surprise gifts, did sweet nothings that would make me go, ‘Awwww’.

But Cody also made it very clear that he would not leave his girlfriend.

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I told him not to play with fire but he insisted, “We have the perfect relationship. It’s like we’re in one but minus the responsibilities

He was awesome in bed. When I told him of how Sid (Read about Sid HERE) gave me 6 orgasms in an hour, he topped it to 8!

Of course I got burnt real bad and he fled.

Couple of years later, he turned into my F-Buddy where we would shag in random places just for the thrill of it; the car, cheap budget hotels, 5 star hotels, in the office porno style.. up till the point where I met Seth (Read about Seth HERE).

I also stopped F-ing Cody cause he grew a belly.

 

 

THE UGLY ONE

Name: JIM
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 5″9. Toned
First impression: The bad boy
Age: 3 years younger

I have no idea how I fell for the guy. He was outright ugly and disgusting. All my friends laughed at me for I could do so much better. ANY girl could do so much better.

Thank God I never slept with him but at 17, sex was a little more of a taboo.

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I had a boyfriend while Jim was dating a friend of mine who also had a boyfriend. It wasn’t so much of a love triangle but a more of something like a Hexagon? *shrugs!

It was complicated and dumb. I wanted to break up with my boyfriend but he refused. When he found out about Jim, he gave the ultimatum; continue being in a relationship with him or Jim gets a good beating. Oh gosh, young love *rolls eyes*

I contemplated the options for a bit and decided I rather the dude suffered than to torture myself and face him any longer. I love me way more than I could possibly ‘love’ Jim.

I got into so much trouble in school, not to mention the embarrassment from being stuck in the principle’s office having to explain how a boy got beaten up because of me.

 

 

THE LITTLE BROTHER

Name: TIMMY
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 5″10. Toned
First impression: The kid
Age: 3 years younger

I was at a bar that belonged to a girlfriend of mine when I met Timmy, her younger brother. He had the looks, charms and was very playful.

We were in the midst of a drinking games when I told him off;

Me: You sure you wanna challenge me, kid?
Him: Who are you calling a kid!

He started flirting very obviously. My girlfriend did not want any part of it and decided to leave, it was 1am after all and the bar was due to close.

After the shutters were down, we continued drinking inside. One thing led to another, we ended up making out in the cubicles behind. Apparently we were in it for such a long time that our friends started banging on the door demanding we came out!

DISCLAIMER: We did not have sex

The next day, I had to walk the walk of shame. I called my girlfriend apologizing for my terrible behavior. It was embarrassing and as much as I knew I should not have, I did it anyway.

Me: I’m sorryyy babe!! It’s your LITTLE brother!
Her: It’s OK babe. My brother is an asshole anyway. Just do me a favor and not fall for him. I just gave him a good sounding that he is never to take a second look at my friends again.

Obviously, she never allowed me to forget the day.

TWO stories, FOUR characters.

Name: SCOTT
Origin: KL, Malaysia
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 5″4. Tiny
First impression: Geeky
Age: My age

I was 15 when I had my first high school puppy love. Scott was and still is the sweetest guy I’ve ever dated. We were in the same class, hung out on a daily basis after school. He would walk 15 minutes to my place every weekend and to head to the malls and just did everything young couples would. Every month we would have our ‘monthsary’ and celebrated by skipping school. We even made out at the back of the class while lessons were on going.

After 6 long months of dating, I was dying of curiosity – What does sex feels like? After all, we have already experimented with everything else, made out for hours till it became numb and boring. To a point where all it felt like to me was flicking my tongue in and out of his mouth. I wanted to feel more. The poor boy even asked, “Don’t you enjoy making out with me anymore?“. My head was screaming, “Man up and make a move already!

A week before my 15th birthday, being home alone. We finally did the deed.

The verdict? I felt sex was wayyyy overrated. Uninteresting. Too hyped up by Hollywood and nothing to rave about. All I thought was, “Is that it?”

One would imagine the girl crying and possibly begging to guy to marry her after sex in some crazily dramatic soap opera but hell no! Scott sat himself at the corner of the bed and started sobbing uncontrollably. I stared at him in disbelief. Like, seriously? We had sex and now you’re telling me that you took my virginity and wanna be responsible for it? And, and.. wait for it… MARRY ME?!

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Holy moly take a chill pill, baby! We were only 15! After at least an hour, I managed to calm him down. We continued sleeping together through the months but it never excited me.

We dated for another year before I felt completely suffocated. He didn’t want me going out with my friends or talking to any other guys. He didn’t get along with any of my friends. He always wanted alone time with me. I was plain bored outta my skull and I was young. I wanted to explore my options.

Scott is now happily married with an adorable 5 year old daughter. I’m so happy for him. I still bump into him from time to time and laugh about how I cannot believe he is now a father. He even invited me to his wedding!

VERDICT: Too young, too nice.

 

 

Fast forward to my last encounter with a Chinese man.

Name: LUKE
Origin: KL, Malaysia
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 5″9. Toned
First impression: Oozed confidence, charming and stylish
Age: 9 years older

12 years later, Luke and I were friends who were very much attracted to one another. The sexual tension was unmistakable each time we met. I went from being one of the guys during boys night out to having a no strings attached relationship but somehow got sucked into being in one knowingly, though very much unwillingly.

Luke is an extremely passionate man when he chose to be. He was by far the most passionate man I have ever slept with, he had his way with me each and every time. He played all sorts of mind games that seriously messed with my sanity. I hated the ‘What ifs‘ he throws at me right after we had sex; “What if we dated, do you think it’ll work out?”,  “What if we stopped seeing other another, would you miss me?”,  “What if you fall for me? You already did, didn’t you?”.

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6 months down the road, the sex eventually slowed down. He ended it because we disagreed on everything on all levels. Within 2 weeks, I started dating Wayne. A friend of a friend I met some years back during a BBQ pool party. Luke turned berserk and went on full force in pursuing me; sending really gorgeous bouquet of flowers, apology emails, self written poems.

Name: WAYNE
Origin: KL, Malaysia
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 5″11. A little chubs
First impression: Rich spoilt brat
Age: 1 year younger

Things weren’t going too well with Wayne who I found rather clingy for my preference. He wanted to see me everyday, while I preferred to meet my guys every alternate day or  2-3 days. I love my alone time and time with my friends.

We had planned for a trip to Singapore along with my besties Jenna, her boyfriend, Kyle and Michelle a week after my birthday.

And that’s when disaster struck. I celebrated in a club the week before my birthday. Obviously Luke was invited and clearly I have not gotten over him. Long story short, I was way too intoxicated and kept running  to Luke, only to have my friends drag me back to Wayne. I was literally crying and dancing the night away. I know, it’s hard to imagine. Worst birthday EVER!

The day before my birthday was hell. I was crying all day till it hurts. My eyes were swollen, I hid in my room.

Eventually I texted Luke stating that all I wanted for my birthday was to see him. He drove me over to his place before midnight, where he handed me a slice of chocolate cake (my favourite) and sang happy birthday. He poured his feelings out to me on why he refused to open up previously, how he mistreated me and how much he wanted to make it right.

He teared up, I cried. He stared at me longingly and finally we kissed. It was the most passionate kiss I have ever felt even till today. We made sweet, sweet love. Twice. OK, fine I don’t usually use the term ‘making love‘. It’s just too corny for my liking. I prefer the terms shagging, bonking, having sex, f*ck. You get my drift. Anyways, we stayed up all night talking till 9am and headed out for breakfast. The night was intense. My eyes were extremely puffy and they were so swollen it hurts.

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I was to meet my friends for my birthday lunch but no one could reach me. My battery was flat. When Janice and Jenna finally managed to get hold of me and picked me up, they instantly knew what I was up to the entire night. Through my swollen eyes, they could see that happy glow. But they didn’t feel the same joy I felt. They hated his guts after having sat through hours of my insanity. They insisted that I avoided him till I got back from Singapore and gave myself a chance at real happiness with Wayne.

Obviously everyone knew I was sneaking off to meet Luke and by then I hardly contacted Wayne. I was dreading the thought of having to spend the weekend away from him in Singapore. Every meet up ended with a long, tight loving hug and intense kisses with him telling me how much he wanted me and how he doesn’t want to let go for he might never see me again.

In Singapore, Wayne and I ended it on the very first night. He knew. Spent the rest of the trip running off with Michelle and feeling rather awkward being around Wayne. Guilt maybe? I still don’t know.

NOTE: Everything involving Wayne happened within a month.

When I got back to KL, Luke picked me up from the airport. I was so happy to see him. I was love struck. A month or 2 flew by and I was happily in love. Though through the 1.5 years we dated, he never once told me he loved me.

But a month or 2 was just that. He reverted back to his selfish, demanding, grumpy ways that I could hardly tolerate. I stayed on holding to his empty promises that seemed so real, that perfect partner he could be if only I was more intellectual and took interest in his interest. Every time I attempted to leave, he would find a way to convince me to stay. More empty promises, more tears, more excuses. I’ve now decided that if I have to be in a relationship only to discuss politics and football, I rather not be in one.

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As time went by, we met up for dinner just because we had to. We spoke awkwardly like strangers who had nothing in common. We had obligatory sex only 4 times that year, after which I did not even give him a chance to initiate those robotic 2 minute (or possibly less) sexual release that he had no interest in. I used to be one of the boys during their drinking nights but at that point I wasn’t even allowed to know where they were headed. We did not care for each other one bit.

I was lonely even when I was in a relationship and after many, many months of wallowing in self pity, having my confidence crushed, wondering if there was anything wrong with me sexually or intellectually, I bumped into an old flame, Xander.

Name: Xander
Origin: KL, Malaysia
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 5″8. Lean
First impression: Mr Nice Guy
Age: My age

Xander. How he brought back so much memories. He was a classmate in elementary school and one of the most sought after cuties back then. I went on dates with Xander a couple of times right after Scott (He was the main option I was wanting to explore) but nothing blossomed from it. He was too shy then and still too shy 12 years later.

He had a girlfriend who was based in Singapore so all we did was hang out. Clearly we never forgot each other and the hanging out progressed into dinners and movies.

After 2 months, I gained the courage and confidence and told Luke to F-off. Literally. Thanks to Xander, I felt much less worthless. I was a mess for exactly ONE week. Crying, whining, bitching and miraculously on the 8th day, I woke up happy. I was over him.

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As for Xander, we somehow drifted apart. Again. And within a month after I turned single, he disappeared from my life. Perhaps he’s my guardian angel sent from above to ease me out of my unhealthy relationships. LOL

From what I hear, Wayne is tying the knot this year while Luke is still F-ing around with various new fresh young blood. Talk about bad judgments.

VERDICT: I will never date another Chinese man.