My past few Tinder dates, I had been taking criticisms and advice from KURT seriously. The last I truly had a relationship, the dating scene was a lot less messed up.
Kurt: You excel at hooking up. That is all you know.
Me: Then teach me! I’ve not been dating for so long that I have no clue what to do anymore.
So the gist of it was – NO touching. NO kissing. NO sex. NO F-me eyes. NO sex talks. NO showing too much interest. BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING. Okay, sounds easy enough right?
But after each and every date, no matter if I liked them or not, I’d ask Kurt the same question;
Me: When I’m a decent human being, he’d be a decent guy too. How would I ever know if he’s interested in me?
Kurt: You’re an idiot! You only think a dude is interested in you when they have their D in your mouth! Let them get to know you for you. Not getting their D wet.
So after uncountable Decent-Human-Being-Tinder-Dates that I wasn’t interested in, I am growing cobwebs down South (I legit haven’t had any since my last post!).
Then I matched with Lucas. Oh so gorgeous on his Tinder photos.
When I found out from Phil that Lucas’ ex is a drop dead gorgeous bombshell of a model, added the fact that he is 6’6 (and I am 5’flat), I almost canceled the date the night before. Somehow convinced myself that the date was a joke and it’ll be funny to try that out once.
Him: Question. Have you ever been to XXX?
Me: No. Are you asking me cause you’re asking me out or headed there for work?
Him: I am trying to find a good location for tomorrow 😉 Then let’s do drinks at XXX then dinner. Italian? What time are you off work?
Me: Aww… Lemme Google it.
Him: No, don’t Google it. Then the surprise is gone. Just let it be a surprise, it’s a small cool hidden bar.
Who could say no to something that sweet? Somehow I figured drinks before dinner wasn’t such a brilliant idea and so we switched it to dinner then drinks.
THE FIRST DATE
Lucas was 30 minutes early for our date and was already seated when I walked in.
Height: 6′6. FAT
First impression: Charming
Age: 2 years older
My first thought? – Oh shit! You got that right. He is FAT! His Tinder photos were from 5 years ago! But Lucas has this amazing smile that warms you right up. He was charismatic, charming, funny.. the chemistry wasn’t electric, it gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. Conversations were really easy and there weren’t any awkward silent moments.
Dinner went on for 4 hours along with drinks. We never made it to that small cool hidden bar. It was a weekday and the mall was closing up.
Lucas walked me to the elevator and we hugged our goodbyes.
THE NEXT DAY
I was out for dinner with Christie whom I haven’t met in 4 months. Yeah, she’s one of those girls who goes into hibernation after getting into relationships.
We were texting throughout the day. At about 11pm, Lucas texted.
Him: Still at my meeting, almost done here. Fancy a drink just you and me?
Me: I haven’t seen my friends in forever. We’re headed to XXX for drinks. Feel free to join.
Him: Oh nice! But no it’s a customer of mine and I rather want to go off work. If you wanna join me at XXX/home you are more than welcome. 🙂
Me: Hahaha is that a booty call?
Him: It is what you want it to be.
OH NO YOU DIDN’T JUST BOOTY CALL ME!
Me: Right *replies to his previous comment saying ‘I’m not a creepy Tinder dude’* Getting there love.
Him: Huh? Why so serious? The only thing I am saying is that I don’t wanna see any customers anymore but I wanna see you. So if I would have invited you for dinner at my home to cook you something you said you want, you think I just want to take advantage of you?
So yeah, Lucas showed me a photo of a burger he made with a cheese bomb inside during our date.
I guzzled some beers and told myself to calm down before blowing up at the dude to the point of no return. Lucas did seem like a decent guy who didn’t give off any dodgy vibes.
We continued texting the next couple of days and I decided I needed to see Lucas again. I obviously consulted with my love guru Kurt first.
Me: What are your dinner plans tomorrow? Since I had to decline your last invitation (and got pissy bout it), thought I’d take the initiative and see if you’d be interested in food 🙂
Him: Haha yes, but only if you are nice to me 😉 No more being pissy.
THE SECOND DATE
I was on the verge of crazy after arguing with my butthead of an ex earlier in the day, who was poking and opening old wounds. So much so that I had a meltdown an hour before the date.
Me: Let’s cancel burgers. Some other time maybe.
Me: Not quite feeling it. Crappy day.
Him: Oh no what happened?
Me: You wouldn’t wanna know.
Him: Alright, then I hope you will be able to overcome that crappy feeling soon. Let’s postpone it but not for too long.
Aww.. I totally melted at that.
So off we went on our second date, just 4 days after the first. Lucas picked me up and we headed to my favorite burger joint – BurgerLab. Note to self (and all you burger fans out there in KL) – That is so not a second date venue, especially when you gotta queue for 30 minutes just to place your order.
Burgers and beers lasted about 3.5 hours with lots of laughter, deep talks about life and everything in between. It felt like forever since I opened up to someone new. Lucas was the perfect gentleman and I love it when he smiles. He has this happy cheerful vibe that I absolutely adore. We have the same views on relationships. We share the same extreme love for food, namely cheese, burgers, ramen and steak.
I even explained why I got pissy about the home invite and he seemed determined to earn my trust eventually.
Me: Thanks for tonight. It cured my crappy day.
Him: Happy to hear, enjoyed the evening as well. And yes you were right. The burger might be one of the best in KL. But the burger hunt is not over yet 😉
Sounds like there are more dates to come? YAY!
We texted on the daily and I was looking forward to the upcoming long weekend but he apparently spontaneously booked a flight out to Koh Samui to meet an old friend. But still, Lucas texted the entire time he was away.
I was on cloud 9. Sure, Lucas is fat and there was no way in hell I could imagine him naked. I wasn’t even sure if I could do it! Every time I thought of him, it wasn’t about how I was gonna yank his hair as I rode him, or how I wanna lick his jawline or touch his abs. I wanted to cuddle up to him!
Kurt: The truth is you hype him for no reason. You hope that he is finally is the Excockibur, the dick that stays? He is nothing just yet other than nice talks and free meals. So calm your tatas, he’s nothing till he’s proven otherwise.
There is so much truth in that. We ladies tend to hype guys we barely know for no solid reason, get excited prematurely based on fantasies we create in our heads and get disappointed after.
I tried to tone it down but the expectations were already there.
THE THIRD DATE
Me: It’s our third date. Am I still not allowed to touch him in the cinema?
Kurt: You should. Just hold on to his arm.
Me: What if he doesn’t react?
Kurt: Watch his body language.
Lucas and I met up for our third date the weekend after he got back from his vacation. He picked me up for dinner and movie. All went well till we got into the cinema.
I was legit cold and leaned towards him for body heat. No reaction. Okay. Getting colder. Blows hot air onto my hands. Still getting colder. Still no reaction. Fuck it. Barbecued my hand on his forearm. Still no F-ing reaction!! Hand got warmer, felt like a complete fool. Retreated. Okayyy.. what just happened?
Lucas sent me home after the movie. Talking and laughing all the way as usual. The goodbye hug was tighter than the previous two. I told him I would be in his neighborhood for work the next day if he wanted to meet for a quick lunch. He said to text him.
THE NEXT DAY
Not quite feeling it, I told Lucas I couldn’t make it for lunch and to add me on Facebook because I wanted to show him a video. The truth was I did see a video I wanted to share but what I really wanted was to do some stalking.
Me: *sends cheese raclette on burger vid on FB Messenger* I’ll be at your doorstep if you can cook this.
Him: Okay I’ll take your word for it. I already have the cheese, just need to make the patty 🙂
Me: Are you sure? My love for cheese and burgers is insatiable. Don’t break my heart!
Him: I’ve made the burger before. I’m sure I can do it 😉
Okay. So you’re still flirty. What is up with this dude?
AND THE NEXT DAY
Lucas was quiet. I texted him but the replies were rather cold. I could feel it in my bones that it’s fizzling away slowly but surely. And my spidey senses are never wrong, I haven’t heard from him since. Yeah, it’s only been 3 days but hey, we never stopped texting since the day we met!
I wish I could say this to you but.. Dear Fat Man, I guess I’ll never know if your burgers are as amazing as you described them to be. And I’m sad we won’t be continuing our burger and ramen quest. I was already imagining how yummy it would be. It was fun while it lasted and I really miss your laughs. I really hope you find what you’re looking for.
So as humiliated as I am that I got dropped/ghosted by a fat man, I will have to admit this – I suck at dating. I am the ultimate failure at dating. I don’t have the slightest clue to what went wrong at what point.
Kurt: It’s like you went for an interview. You want the job, but you aren’t sure how well you did.
Me: I know I did well. Just not sure how many other candidates are there.
Kurt: You are forgetting that 1. There are more vacancies for more jobs you like and 2. You are super qualified. You should be the best ever according to you. But there are two attitudes – 1. You pick the job you like. 2 The job picks you, as you desperately need one.
Me: Or maybe there is no opening for the position I interviewed for. Good candidate, no vacancy.
Kurt: Bad luck. Don’t get discouraged.
NOTE: Lucas is only 5 months single after his 3 year relationship with bombshell ex-girlfriend.
Sure, I’ve perfected the art of hooking up. But there was a time when I couldn’t look at a hot stranger directly in the eye or freak out when a hottie chatted me up.
VERDICT: If Kurt reckons I excel at hook ups because I do it so much, does that mean if I binge dates, I’ll excel at it too? If practice makes perfect then I am going to find the perfect formula to dating. After all, I’ve got nothing to lose.