The Vampire

Like all girls, I am a big fan of vampire fictions. From Resident Evil, Queen of the Damn to True Blood, Vampire Diaries and The Originals. Who wouldn’t want to F a real life vampire with super speed?

Or to be a vampire. Imagine immortality and being able to hypnotize and kill as and when you wish. Or maybe turn your true love into a vampire and live for all eternity? No? Doesn’t appeal to you?


So anyways, as we all know, it was Halloween over the weekend.

I did not plan to get laid. All I wanted to was to have fun with my friends, get drunk and go home for a good night’s sleep. Which also meant I did not hunt.

Towards the end of the night however, I walked past a guy dressed as Dracula with the whole Dracula cape and black eyes. The first thing I noticed were his eyes. They were pure black! We stared at each other for a good moment before he turned around and said hi to me.

Me: I love your eyes! Let’s take a photo!
Him: Sure!
*takes photos*
Me: It’s awesome! Gimme your contact and I’ll send them to you.
Him: *keys in his contact*

Yup. Eyes like that!

Yup. Eyes like that!


Origin: England
Ethnicity: English
Height: 6″2
First impression: Black eyed VAMPIRE!
Age: 2 years younger

Other than being a vampire, Chris was super cute with a baby face and a little bit of a belly. He was pretty sweet, so I figured I could probably let the belly slide. He joined my friends and I for what’s left of the night till the club closed.

I really did want to leave with my friends but they were headed for an after party and I had work the next day. I decided to follow Chris instead.

On the way back in the cab however, I started feeling him up.

Uh oh.. There’s not just a little bit of belly. There were alot of belly!

Me: I’m really, really, really hungry. Could you please make me some instant noodles when we get back?
Him: Sure.

The first thing I did as I ran into his house was to the toilet. When I came out, he was already in the kitchen whipping up my noodles.

I had a bite or two of the noodles when he came into the room topless and I felt outright cheated! Underneath the whole black vampy costume with a shitload of cloth was a rather fat dude!! How could it be that he had such a slim face?!

I mean, there are 2 kinds of fat. The huge big round belly and the ones who grows sideways.

Chris was the latter.

I stared at my food through the conversation, unwilling to look at the belly and told myself, ‘He is a sweet guy, he’s cute, don’t be such a F-ing dick!

I decided to get on with it to get it over with. I took another bite, turned off the lights and pushed him on the bed.

Well, I am a very visual person and usually insist the lights be left on as I loved the view of my catches. But there was no way I wouldn’t turn dry if I saw anymore of him.

I feel bad for men who has a huge D but have no experience with what to do with it. He had the size that would have me screaming in ecstasy, but he was boring. I thought I’d be able to ignore the fat fact and closed my eyes trying to imagine he was someone else.. anybody else!

But for F’s sake, it didn’t work! I love grabbing their arms when they are on top of me and with Chris, all I felt were flabbiness. No muscles whatsoever!

I continued letting Chris F me with no enthusiasm to reciprocate his lust. Eventually he lost his erection. Yay!

Me: You’re done. I’m gonna have a smoke and go home after.
Him: Why do you need to go home?
Me: Because I have work and I need sleep.
Him: You can sleep here..
Me: Sorry baby, I can’t sleep on any bed other than my own. I’m really tired and I really need rest.

Amazingly he got his erection back after I was done smoking but I was all, “No more sex, I’m done!” and called an Uber home.


I know I’m an ass. But I truly believe asshole or not, men need to earn their one nighters. Not by paying for a F or to shower us with gifts or lavish meals/drinks, but to at least take care of their body and look good for their women.

Them men choose who they take home too so why should we lower our standards enough to F them if they weren’t in at least reasonable shape?

Don’t get me wrong, I like looking at washboard abs but I’m fine as long as they don’t have a tummy. Flat and hard. That is the bare minimum.

You don’t get to tell me to look into the mirror too. I take good care of my body and I totally expect my F’s to do the same. Yes, I do have some abs.

Unless of course if you are into flabbiness then by all means, please do disregard my comment.



VERDICT: This is the first time in two years that I did not feel up my catch beforehand. Always, always check your merchandise before purchasing. Or maybe just stay clear of vampires. Had Chris been in his regular shirt and jeans, I’d have spotted the flabs from a mile away. Next Halloween, I’ll be looking out for the Spartan/Hercules dudes.