The House Mate

I’d like to think of myself as a sentimental person. I think of my old F’s, ex-boyfriends from time to time but it is no biggie considering I’m still friends with (almost) all of them. I could just pick up the phone and text them at any given time. Or stalk them on Facebook.

I thought of HUGO today and did a Google search to see how he was doing. He wasn’t on Facebook anymore. He has not logged into OKCupid for more than a year. What I did find was his TripAdvisor reviews for his recent vacays with his girlfriend.

Ouch. I could only imagine them F-ing all day long in their 5-star suite.

I wonder if I ever cross his mind. I know my ex-F’s and ex-boyfriends randomly sends me photos of things that reminded them of me.

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Two nights back, my ex F-Bud, AARON texted me at 4am when he couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t a booty call. He has a girlfriend and we are just good friends now.

I finally admitted to Aaron what happened 2 months back.

Me: I’m about to sleep but I’ll entertain you with a bedtime story. 
Aaron: Okay?
Me: Remember when I stayed over that night and couldn’t sleep?
Aaron: Yeah. You F-ed Sam?!!

Name: SAM
Origin: Iran
Ethnicity: Persian
Height: 5″10. Buff
First impression: Asshole
Age: 6 years younger

I met Sam at the same time as Aaron more than a year back. They were house mates and were everywhere together.

Sam hooked up with Jane, one of the girls I hung out with soon after.

I pretty much hated his guts from that moment. Jane would be sobbing in the club, complaining bout how Sam was cheating on her, ignoring her. He was such a pain in my ass that I even got him thrown out of the VIP once.

But when I started hooking up with Aaron, it wasn’t an option if I wanted to be near Sam or not. He was just there. Like all the F-ing time.

I never saw Sam as hot. Sure he was good looking and had a muscular, lean body but I was never attracted.

 

2 MONTHS BACK

I was out with Aaron and his brother, hooking them up with a place to rent. Yes, that is my job. We had some time to kill so we dropped by their place before heading out for the next viewing.

The look of shock on Sam’s face when he saw me at their place was priceless! I haven’t been there since Aaron and I stopped F-ing half a year back.

I was chasing the very hyperactive kitten all over the house when I walked past Aaron’s room.

The door was open and Sam was ironing his shirt on the bed.

Topless.

Sam looked amazing with those huge biceps and washboard abs on display. He looked like he was in the midst of a photoshoot!

His body is even better!

His body is even better!

All I could think was, “Stop F-ing staring! Go play with the kitten!

We left soon after Sam did.

After dinner, Aaron’s brother wanted to grab some drinks but Aaron insisted on going home to be on the phone with his girlfriend.

A’s Bro: Wanna come over and hang out? It’s been awhile. You can play with the kitten!
Me: Err.. Sure. But how am I getting home after?
Aaron: I’ll send you home in the morning when I go to work.

When we got back to their place, Sam was in Aaron’s room playing Dota on the PC. Topless.

Oh God. He changed his work out routine and.. His body! He grew a beard. Got really tanned. I was very very attracted!

I’d usually be hanging out with Aaron, but he was on the phone in Sam’s room and I had absolutely nothing to do. Pretty much planted my ass next to Sam yabbering away about Tinder and random drunk nights with the boys.

I paid Sam more attention than I usually do and I’m pretty sure he was aware of it.

But when Aaron came back to his room, the boys left and I was stuck with just the 2 of us.

Aaron: What do you wanna do? Wanna watch a movie?
Me: Sure, why not?

I was contemplating if I should get Sam’s ass back into the room. But if I did that, Aaron would know what I was up to.

Me: I’m sorry but there is no way I would be able to sleep with all these on. It’s nothing you’ve never seen before anyway *strips off shorts and bra*
Aaron: Do what ever you want.

I fell asleep 10 minutes into the movie.

Aaron stripped down to his underwear and joined me in bed but I woke up from all the commotions. When I went out to get some water, I noticed Sam’s lights were still on.

Aaron and I chatted till he was about to doze off when I decided it’s finally time to sneak a peek at Sam.

Me: *puts on shorts*
Aaron: Where are you going again?
Me: Water!
Aaron: You just took water!
Me: I’m getting MORE water!

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The lights in Sam’s room were on and his door was left slightly open. That’s new to me. His room was always tightly shut.

Me: *peeks inside* You’re still awake!
Sam: Yup! Uninstalling some stuff.
Me: I can’t sleep!
Sam: Of course you can’t *points and laughs at my crazy hair*
Me: Oh no no! I did not F Aaron!
Sam: I’m hungry! Wanna eat?

So Sam made me some bread with awesome Arabian cheese spread (which I’m still looking for every time I’m at the mall), sat around for a smoke and hunted down alcohol all over the house before we decided that doing shots would not be such a great idea!

Sam: Wanna watch a movie?
Me: Sure, why not?

We watched Ace Ventura. Initially we were watching it on his desk. Sam turned the air conditioning on so cold, no sane person could possibly survive in there.

Sam: Are you cold? *holds blanket over me and kept his arm on my shoulders*
Me: My ass hurts though. Do you usually watch movies like that?
Sam: No, actually.. *puts laptop on the chair and moved to the bed*

Sam spread his arms out wide but it moved it aside.

Half way through the movie, Sam pulled me over and cuddled me, stroking my arms.

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Oh shit. Oh F. What am I doing?!

5 minutes before the movie was to end, my mind started racing;

  • What should I do?
  • Should I F him?
  • What if Aaron woke up in the middle of the night and found me gone?
  • What if I fell asleep in his room and Aaron finds me there in the morning?
  • What if Jane finds out about this?
  • What would Aaron think of this?

I jumped up as soon as the movie ended and lighted up a cigarette. We chatted for a bit and Sam looked like he was gonna dive in for a kiss any moment now.

F my life! Decide NOW!!“, I thought to myself.

Me: I’m hungry. Let’s make more bread!
Sam: *makes bread*
Me: You’re not eating?
Sam: No I’m on a diet *lifts up shirt*
Me: Where are the abs?
Sam: *lifts up shirt again and flexes*

Ah there it is! So he was flexing every inch of his body while ironing his shirt earlier! I knew it! I knew he did it on purpose!

We sat at the couch for another cigarette.

Sam: So you and Aaron..
Me: We stopped F-ing for a long time now.
Sam: How come?
Me: I don’t know. We just did. He’s got a girlfriend now anyway.
Sam: Are you guys gonna F again? *leans closer*
Me: I doubt it.. OMG it’s 4am! Bed time! *runs back into Aaron’s room*

I woke up feeling all sorts of F-ed up.

Sure I did not F Sam. Jane was no longer dating Sam and I was no longer F-ing Aaron. But it would be just.. weird!

 

 

Me: You didn’t know this?
Aaron: Booo! Nooo I thought you guys banged! Damn that was interesting!
Me: Common I’m not so horrible! I know you expected the end of the story to be that I F-ed him. But that would be.. Sick?
Aaron: Yea. No you are not. And yes that would be kinda weird! Why didn’t you tell me?
Me: I don’t know. I was.. embarassed? But now it’s just funny.
Aaron: Don’t worry, you don’t have to see him again.

 

VERDICT: Be careful who you make memories with. Those things can last a lifetime!

 

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The Magic Fingers

Have I ever whined about how much of a love-hate relationship I have with random hook ups?

BAD F
Wake up with a whole load of negative emotions; anger, disappointment, disgust.. And worst of all, I’d yearn for more. I’d want to be F-ed by a real man.

GOOD F
That post coitus glow with that dorky smile plastered on my face all day. Except, I’d also be sad and disappointed for I’d most likely never see him again.

I know a couple of posts back I said I’d never do another drunken hook up but I reckon it’s kinda like waking up with a massive hangover and going all, “I’m never drinking again” and getting hammered the following weekend.

Couple of nights back, it was the eve of a public holiday. I was out in the club with an old friend, Carrie.

Three years younger than I am, Carrie used to be a model, event and pole dancer. She was way more promiscuous than I could ever be. I was in a 4 year relationship with LEO when we first met 9 years ago and more than anything, I craved her lifestyle.

I was envious of the endless tales of men and how she had multiple F-buds at her service while all I had was a boyfriend whom I did not even bother F-ing no more.

Two years back, Carrie got hitched wanting to start a family. She swore to be loyal and stopped modelling and dancing. Still, every now and then, Carrie would ask about my boys.

Carrie: You did what?!
Me: Hahaha I know right. Do you miss being single?
Carrie: I think about it sometimes. Of course I miss it.. but.. I chose this path..
Me: I wonder if I’ll ever get bored of this.
Carrie: Probably never.

So back in the club, there was this good looking, tall, buffed Middle Eastern dude standing right in front of our table at the VIP zone. The bouncers wanted him out but I told them he could stay. Obviously he started chatting me up right after, thanking and offering me drinks.

I did however got the whole group of his friends thrown out for being a pain in my ass. Literally. When his fat friend grabbed my ass, I wanted to punch him in the face but decided it would be way more embarassing for him to be kicked out by the security.

But I have this habit of ditching the men I picked up right after for the FOMO ( Fear Of Missing Out). Hey, I could always go back to him after if I dont find anything else worth my time right?

As the night went on, I spotted a group of white boys near by. I was pretty intoxicated by then.

White boy: Cheers!
Me: I like your stubbles *touches his beard*
White boy’s friend: Hi!

Name: DAVID
Origin: Spain
Ethnicity: Spanish
Height: 5’7. Normal
First impression: Cute
Age: No clue

So white boy’s friend, David came around and started chatting me up. Turns out he was studying in Singapore till December and was in KL for holidays.

I wish I could describe the night in greater detail but I was smashed.

I’d say David wasn’t usually my type. At all. But he was smooth and wasn’t the typical douche who would latch on to you and not let go. He played that fishing game well.

Or maybe I was extremely pissed that my super hot Tinder date bailed on me that night and I really, really wanted to get laid.

Either way, David convinced me to leave at around 3am.

David checked us in to a 4-star hotel downtown as he lived in that same dumbass hostel every other guy tried to take me back to. They did not allow extra guest.

David. Was. Absolutely. AMAZING!

Is there a better word for amazing? He was magnificent. Fantastic. Extraordinary. Marvelous. Incredible.

David didn’t have a massive P, in fact, it was average.

But what David had were magical hands that got me squirting over and over and over again! Out of my many F’s, only SEAN had ever managed to make me squirt.

I swear I have never screamed that much, or that loud in bed ever!

The bed was soaked and David showed no mercy. He just kept going at it. I had no idea I was able to squirt continuously. It was insane!

Me: Did you just figure that out or do you know what you’re doing?
Him: I know what I’m doing *looking ridiculously confident as he went on to make me squirt again*

We F-ed and he F-ed me real good! He did it so effortlessly, I was in pure ecstasy.

When we were finally done at about a little after 5am, David had to leave. He was holding the room keys to the hostel he was sharing with his friends.

Him: I gotta go. You can stay. Its all paid for. You just need to check out in the morning.
Me: Really? Will I see you again? I want your number!
Him: Maybe.. *keys in his number*

Woke up feeling happily sore, on those mad fluffy pillows. Had the best after party shower of my life and Lucca came to take me out for lunch.

This was a case of the latter. The perfect hook up.

The only glitch was that the reception initially wanted me to pay the MYR 548 for the night when I checked out though they had already swiped his card for the MYR 700 deposit. I threw a fuss and they eventually manually charged the night to his card.

It was the GOOD F. I’m still hungover that there is a 99.8% possibility that I would never get to see David again.

Carrie: Did you have a good night?
Me: Definitely! He was amazing! I still want more.
Carrie: Good for you!
Me: I’m jealous you get to have regular sex. 
Carrie: Frequency vs Variety. You choose.

That is.. The hardest question. Ever.

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Which would you choose? Regular, repetitive F’s *yawn* vs a whole lot of spiced up, full on passionate, raw sex with a whole variation of hunks.

Like sex education, colleges should start a class for men on how to please their women. A whole chapter on squirting. There are articles on it after all, so why aren’t all men masters at it already?

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VERDICT: I heard Spaniards are awesome in the sack. PABLO definitely was and David had definitely made his people proud. He sure made it into the Top 5 most memorable F’s.

The Bloody Affair

A 3 month long Sahara Season was just too much. I decided to not just hang out with my friends at the club but to go out and hunt again. I mean, how else was one to get lucky? No guy would even notice you if you were hidden at a corner drinking your brains out!

Yeah sure there is Tinder. But the thing with Tinder is, it’s time consuming. Speaking of which, I was hanging out with Christy earlier and I decided, “Let’s tour the world and meet single eligible hot men.. through Tinder!” I mean if we can’t afford to go places, at least Tinder gives us the opportunity to browse their local delights, yes? NO! 

As soon as I paid that MYR 9+, Tinder totally crashed on me and ALL 720+ matches that I have cultivated over the past 2 years were GONE! I totally freaked out and tried to log in with Christy’s phone.. and ALL her 700+ matches disappeared too!

No, I did not delete our accounts. Everything simply vanished! Fingers crossed it’s just a glitch and them 720 hotties would eventually reappear.

passport

So yeah, last night I was totally checking out this buffed up blonde dude at the dance floor. It was easy to spot him as he was by far the tallest amongst the crowd. I was as usual pretty tipsy, but not enough to jump at a random dude.

As the awesome wing woman Christy has always been, she looked right at him and told him to get his ass over to us and threw me right at him.

Name: PETER
Origin: Germany
Ethnicity: German
Height: 6 foot. Tall and buffed
First impression: Bad ass
Age: 2 years younger

We danced. We made small conversations. Took a couple of photos. Made out.

Within the hour, Peter wanted us to leave.

That was totally cool. Except.. It was the time of the month. AGAIN!!

It really is starting to get on my nerves and my highly intoxicated brain somehow managed to come up with this brilliant idea of not telling him and throwing the pad away before we left the club.

How I managed to convince myself that it was fine to pretend I’m not on my period on the third day really beats me. I usually tell them the truth and if they were cool with it, we’d do the deed. Else, them boys gotta wait!

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So we made our way back to his place, ran to the toilet to clean up. Crossed my fingers that everything was gonna be alright.

9 out of 10 random hook ups, the guys would never go down on you. Peter was that 1 out of 10! Who am I to say no to a guy who wants to please you, right?

We F-ed for a good hour and he was pretty good. But I learnt that the term German Sausage does not hold true to every German man.

When we were done, I tore the condom off him and ran off to the toilet in hopes if diminishing all trails of blood if any. I was totally relieved that my side of the bed was perfectly fine.

We F-ed again before knocking out for the night and when we woke up a couple of hours later, Peter wanted to F again. He was a cuddler too, kinda cute! I mean, cuddling with a one nighter? Sure, I could do that!

So yeah, we F-ed a total of 3 times and by the time we woke up at noon, I was thoroughly sore. He wanted to go at it again but I was done for the day.

Peter went off to the shower while I checked the bed for signs of blood and lo and behold..

There was a HUGE stain on the duvet! Not like a drop of blood but like, you know, when blood is being smeared all over.

NOTE: White sheets!

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I WAS HORRIFIED!!

I flipped the duvet over, called for an Uber and told Peter I was gonna make a move. Like, I wouldn’t be seeing the dude again (he never asked for my number and I didn’t bother with it either) and like really, what could I have done anyway?

I cannot even begin to imagine the moment he discovers the stain and remembers the many times he went down on me. He’d probably puke in his mouth!

But I guess boys should learn not to go down on drunken hook ups!

Christy: But I guess he should know right? Like he could probably taste it when he went down..
Me: Really now? Would you know what period taste like? I definitely have no clue. And I definitely DO NOT intend to find out!!

Like F-ing EWWW! It’s my own blood and I’m totally grossed out. Poor boy! When SETH and AIDEN found a spot of blood on their sheets, they totally wanted to kill me!

I really just hope I don’t bump into Peter ever again. After all, he is leaving for good in 3 months.

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VERDICT: Note to self and all you ladies out there; No hook ups during the time of the month no matter how gorgeous the dude is unless he is absolutely fine with it.

The Cock Teaser

It has been awhile since my last post. It was Sahara Season and I guess I was just plain lazy to hunt down a new F. I got plain bored of Tinder!

I almost F-ed AARON‘s housemate (I’ll leave that for another post) and this super hot Persian model that I have been eyeing on for the longest time but the timing was bad.

There was also this Chinese dude but it was the time of the month and I rolled over and slept right after I had a feel of his micro P. What went through my mind right after I felt his package was, ‘It’s so small, I’m gonna feel literally nothing. What if I fell asleep while he was F-ing me?‘. The dude is reasonably good looking, albeit short and had a solid body covered in ink.

Why is God so unfair to Asian blokes?

So anyways,

Name: SEBASTIAN
Origin: KL
Ethnicity: German-Chinese
Height: 6’2. Looks buff but is not
First impression: Player
Age: 5 years younger

I remember the exact moment I met Sebastian more than a year back. Christy nudged me as he walked into the VIP area, “That’s Sebastian. He’s SO hot! Do you know him? He’s in a lot of the club’s Facebook photos. He’s quite a regular here“.

I was instantly attracted. I got the club’s manager to get us introduced and all he said was, “Hi” and turned away. Wow. That’s not very nice!

Within the next hour, Sebastian was up on the podium with a tall lanky Chinese girl grinding and shoving her hand into his pants.

Christy immediately had a look of disgust written all over her face and lost all interest instantly. I on the other hand was way amused. I love assholes, remember?

But Sebastian was 50 Shades of Stuck Up!

Over the next few months of seeing him at the club every other week, he’d completely ignore my existence even though he knew all my friends and would say hi to them but look right past me.

Eventually, I’d roll my eyes every time I saw him.

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9 MONTHS BACK

The night after I was completely smash and ended up on Aaron’s bed, Sebastian walked past and waved at me. I was so puzzled that I actually looked behind to check if he was waving at anyone else.

Then he started talking to me. Making short, flirty conversations every time we were at the club. On many occasions, I’d catch him staring at me from a distance with that I’m-gonna-F-you eyes and he’d maintain the eye contact.

I was out at my usual joint one Wednesday night, totally flying after multiple champagne-beer shots. You have to try it if you haven’t already. It is the ultimate knock out formula!

Sebastian came in late and started being real flirty but I refused to throw myself at him given the fact that he always has a different girl on his arms almost every time I saw him.

You see, this dude is really good looking and is well known for his wealth. He always has a bunch of really hot Caucasian models with him and these girls changes all the time! I had never seen him with the same girl twice.

Sebastian: You’ll be here?
Me: Yes *continues dancing*
Sebastian: I’m going to the toilet for 5 minutes. Give me your number *waves his phone in my face*
Me: No
Sebastian: *continues waving his phone* You sure you don’t wanna give me your number?
Me: Sigh *keys in my number and continues dancing*

I didn’t want to key in my number not because I was trying to play hard to get but cause it was just soooo hard! I keyed in my number for another guy earlier on and it was just the toughest thing to do when you couldn’t even see straight. But as soon as Sebastian was out of sight, I started jumping and screaming, “YES YES YESSSSSSS!! FINALLY!!“.

As much as I hated his stuck up guts, Sebastian really is a looker. I have no idea what happened on that fateful drunk night that he decided to start talking to me but whatever it was, it clearly worked!

Sebastian texted me on and off over the months but I had no idea what his true intentions were. He never asked me out, never booty called.

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FEW MONTHS BACK

I got to the club late and highly intoxicated. Sebastian was at my table with some of my friends when I arrived. He immediately grabbed on to me. Even when I moved to the other end, he’d somehow be next to me.

He was a smart guy though. He made it seem like I was throwing myself at him when he holds my hand and pulls me towards him from under the table, behind pillars.

Sebastian: *Carries me up facing him* OK can..
Me: Can, what?!
Sebastian: *Does humping moves*
Me: WTF?
Sebastian: Shaved?
Me: Whaaaaa??
Sebastian: *Looks down south*
Me: Ah.. Yes.. Oh wait, no! 
Sebastian: *Puts his hands in my pants to check*
Me: DUDE REALLY NOW?!

I usually shave before I head out but it was that one rare occasion where I couldn’t give a flying F. I wasn’t expecting to get laid or have a guy check on my pubes status!

Over the months, Sebastian would continuously tease me every time we met. Cock teasers aren’t only a label for girls. He drove me insane and I seem to turn dumb every time I talk to him. You know, like how you’d be lost for words when your high school crush talks to you?

Phil and Christy reckons I’m retarded and could not figure out why I had not booty called him like I usually do with every other guy. I didn’t know why either. I guess I wanted him to make the move.

Sebastian would say things like;

Sebastian: *Passes me a drink and cheers*
Me: *Drinks the drink*
Sebastian: Do you swallow? *as I was swallowing my drink*
Me: … *almost choke*

Sebastian: *Takes my hand and holds it against his palm*
Me: What?
Sebastian: *shakes his head and wraps my fingers around his wrist*
Me: … *lost for words*

Me: I saw the photo of your cat. It’s huge! How heavy is it?
Sebastian: Bigger than you can handle.
Me: I’m sure I can handle it.
Sebastian: How big?
Me: Eight!
Sebastian: F you!
Me: Seven!
Sebastian: OK can!
Me: …. *lost for words*

Sebastian: Bye! I’m leaving!
Me: Why? Stay!
Sebastian: No, I’ll do bad things to you!
Me: …. *lost for words*

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LAST MONTH

We were both at the club at separate tables and by the end of the night, we were both pretty smashed. On the way out, Sebastian stopped me,

Sebastian: *Comes really close, had his hands up my shorts* Shaved?
Me: Yes *puts my hand into his pants but it was so tight I could only squeeze two fingers in and felt nothing*

Phil started screaming for me to get going so I ran off without Sebastian. Somehow he got to the car before I did and stopped me in my tracks. Sebastian told me to get in but I refused.

It was the time of the month, AGAIN!!

Sebastian texted me when we got home.

Sebastian: You should have came.
Me: Weekend! I really wanted to play with your cat though!
Sebastian: I only offer once.
Me: Right. We’ll see about that.
Sebastian: Weekend. Last chance.

Weekend obviously did not happen. He had a girl, I was occupied with my own boys I found at the dance floor.

A week later, he went public with a girlfriend!

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LAST NIGHT

Sebastian joined us at our table at our usual joint. Girlfriend wasn’t around.

Friend: I remember what you said to her.
Sebastian: Did you shave?
Me: *Lifts up his shirt, tries to pull his pants down in front of everyone*

At the end of the night,

Sebastian: Let’s go!
Me: Wait.
Sebastian: Come, let’s go! *stares at me as he walks away*
Me: *Points at the seat next to me and continues talking to Christy*

Sebastian pretended to walk off while looking at me intensely the entire time. Eventually, he came back and sat next to me. Now that’s a good boy!

He got impatient and dragged me out of the club within the next 5 minutes though.

I was texting Phil the entire journey in between his fingering and the 2 second blowjob I gave him. When we got to his place, I texted Phil right before I jumped into bed with Sebastian.

All I remember was the initial penetration (which hurts a little considering I have not had a F in almost 3 months) and the next thing I know, he jumped off me and turned on the lights! I thought maybe he didn’t finish. Or that it lasted a full minute.

Sebastian did a quick clean up and sent me home. I texted Phil and he was still out having breakfast with Christy and the rest.

Me: Why do you even have a girlfriend if you’re still taking random girls home?
Sebastian: I don’t know either. I never asked her to be my girlfriend! Plus you’re just the second random girl.
Me: I’m not a random girl!! I see you every F-ing week!

I was disappointed. So very disappointed!

I have wanted Sebastian for more than a year and it turned out to be a disaster!

Oh and though he is German-Chinese, I guess all his German genes went to his good looks and height. The Chinese genes took over down south and that is pretty sad.

But when I woke up the next day, I realized from my texts to Phil that I was at his place for over 20 minutes!

5.07am I’m leaving with Sebastian. Please take care of Christy for me — When we left the club
5.15am Fingers crossed! Good dry spell breaker — When I reached his place
5.38am LOUSY! — Right after F-ing
5.43am He’s sending me home now. Where are you?

Could there be a possibility that I fell asleep during the F? OH MY GOD!!

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That would be so F-ing embarrassing! As much as I was pretty floored, I didn’t black out all night, so there was no way I could have blacked out only during that 23 minutes! In my defense, I was drunk, the room was pitch black and his bed was reallllyyyyyy comfy!

I wish I could ask him what happened but I wouldn’t want to bust his ego. Oh wells..

One off the bucket list! 🙂

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VERDICT: No more nothing mixed Asian! I made an exception and went on with it just cause it was Sebastian and he had been on the bucket list for far too long!