Throwback to Friday night. Christy and I were getting ready to hit the town..
Me: When was the last you got laid?
Her: *checks period tracker app* A month..
Me: It feels like FOREVER since I got laid!
Her: Don’t be dramatic. It has only been 2 weeks since ASHTON.
Me: Really? Feels like a month at the very least! I NEED to get laid tonight!
After a whole cocktail of drinks, I was ready to hunt down the man of my night.
We made a beeline to the podium and I spotted him across the dance floor, in front of another podium.
Me: *points at the dude* I want him! What do you think?
GF: Yeah he’s pretty hot. Totally your type!
Me: *jumps off the podium, wiggles my way to the other podium and jumps right up*
Our eyes met and I motioned him to come closer as I continued dancing.
It didn’t take me long before I got off the podium to examine my catch.
Height: 6’3. Buffed
First impression: HUGE
Age: 2 years younger
Turns out Lucas is a popular MMA fighter and trainer who won many fights all over the world and just moved to KL 2 weeks back. I have been wanting to F an MMA fighter for ages!
We grinded to the beat and when Lucas grabbed my ass as we danced, I took it as a cue that it was my turn to do some groping.
I felt him out from under his shirt; Good looks, checked. Solid body, checked. Sexy full sleeve tattoo, checked. I rammed my hands into his pants. Satisfactory size, CHECKED.
We left the club not long after at about 5am. Well at least I got one part right. You see, bad experience had taught me to never buy a car without a test drive. Too many times I end up in bed with a hunk thinking I striked jackpot only to be disappointed as soon as I unbutton his pants.
But then again, with drunken hook ups, only so many things could go right.
Lucas’ friend dropped us back to his place. Lucas lived alone in a 2 bedroom dumpster of an apartment. The toilet was disgusting. The kitchen looked like it was falling apart. No air conditioning..
Him: I’m sorry this place is horrible. It’s temporary.
Me: It’s not that bad *jumps on the couch*
Him: No no no.. You don’t wanna sit there. You’ll get all itchy after. Come into the room!
He stripped and WOW! He is HUGE!! The 3 hands long kinda huge. 8 inches!
The F was pretty damn awesome too. Lucas nailed everything from choking to slapping to hair grabbing to spanking. Cuddled to sleep.
I woke up scratching my toe with the sun blaring in at 9am. When I rolled over;
Him: You’re moving too much. I can’t sleep.
Me: Ok, I’ll leave. What’s the name of this place? I’ll call an Uber.
Him: I have no idea. You can ask the guards down there.
Dressed up. Walked out half asleep, itching all over..
There were no F-ing Uber in the area! Just F-ing great!
I walked to the nearest eatery, ordered some food and while impatiently poking on the Uber app continuously, I realized that it’s not bad luck when I don’t follow Phil home but the fact that drunken hook ups always turn out to be a disaster. Here are some obvious reasons why;
- When ever you fall asleep, you will almost always overstay your welcome.
- Unless you packed make up remover and make up, you WILL most certainly look like a raccoon the truck ran over. To make matters worse, my hair tie broke and my hair was the ultimate mess.
- Your clothes says it all. You never went home.
- You would most likely have no idea where you are.
- Feeling like you could sleep for 2 weeks. You won’t have enough sleep and the hangover definitely doesn’t help.
- Most times you won’t have enough cash to grab a cab. I most certainly would not be asking the dude for cab fare!
- You will have memory gaps of the awesome fuck. I prefer to remember every tiny detail.
- You’ll be feeling guilty for having your friends be worried sick about you for leaving with a stranger. Every. Single. Time
- You’ll never know if you picked up a serial rapist/killer/get gang raped!
- I’ve got bed bug bites all over! 12 bug bites to be exact!
- I waited at least 30 minutes for an Uber to come around and it took the driver an hour, circling around where I was before he finally found me.
I left Lucas’ place at 9am-ish and only manage to land on my bed after 11am! The sex definitely isn’t worth the hassle and the F-ing bed bugs!
I always wondered why I feel like crap after certain one nighters. I am now certain it’s all cause of a drunken hook-up from the club.
Every single booty call I go to completely sober had been PERFECT. Here are some reasons why;
- You know for sure you want to F him. In fact, you have been dying to F him for days/weeks/months!
- You can decide if you want to go to his part of the city.
- You’ll be driving and hence you’ll be able to leave at any given time. No need to wait around for cabs/Ubers.
- You’re sober. You’ll remember every detail.
- You’re sober. No hangovers! Yay!
- Most times, you’ll continue being friends with these dudes because you actually had decent conversations before and during the booty call instead of mere drunk introductions and jumping straight into bed.
- And because of that, both parties would at least know a little bit about each other hence having a better time together.
- Besides your after sex hair, you still look pretty damn good!
- After every successful booty call, I drive home with that happy after sex glow that lasts for days.
Cons for a sober booty call? NONE!
UPDATE 28 June 2015
2 weeks after The Walk of Shame, Lucas texted and we chatted for a bit. We met up at a budget hotel near his area the next day. The F was satisfactory and he asked me to stay the night where I politely declined. We did however spend quite some time just chatting on the bed with no intention for another round of F-ing. He asked me out the next day and the day after that.
He wanted a companion and I wasn’t up for it. He reeked bad vibes. He was full of anger and hatred for everything around him. His Facebook updates were rants about how sad humanity was. Plus I wasn’t going to make a relationship out of a one nighter where I’d have to prove to him for the rest of the time together that I haven’t already slept with every hot guy in KL.
VERDICT: Want a good after sex experience? Do it sober! Get his digits and decide if you still wanna F him the day after. I don’t know about you but after my realization 2 days back, I’ve decided I’m done with drunken hook ups!