I have read many relationship self-help books in my string of decade-long continuous monogamous relationships. From Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus to Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps to Think Like A Man, Act Like A Woman to Why Men Marry Bitches.
While there is a lot of truth to how relationships work in these books, none of them really had an appeal to me. I already behave like a man. I didn’t need a book to tell me how men’s brains were wired. I just couldn’t figure out why assholes behaved the way they did and I was more than anything drawn to them.
I was particularly amazed when I read Neil Strauss’ The Game. It was an insight in to the world of pick up artists. An eye-opener it was. As much as they objectified women, they managed to cultivate a whole lot of techniques that really worked. Yes, it’s all about looking good to feel good in order to have the confidence to approach women with their sets of seduction techniques and (shocker!) attacking women’s insecurities and have them to seek for the men’s approval. They didn’t even need charms and wits!
Negging as they call it. I’ve had guys do it to me from time to time. Please ladies, why fall into the trap? Roll your eyes at them and eventually, they’d be seeking YOUR approval!
Over the weekend as I insisted that Caitlin had to read The Game, I wondered if there were any books on female pick up artists (or if they even exist!). I mean, it can’t be us girls just sitting around at bars waiting to be picked up by them men, right?
A simple Google search on ‘female pick up artist’ brought me straight to Arden Leigh, a seductress, former pro dominatrix who now runs a seduction forum coaching women to not sit around by the bar waiting for prince charming to stride along but to go out and get what you want.
Ahh, finally a book that reads my mind! Maybe we are just wired differently from some girls who preferred to be the damsel in distress. If I see what I liked, I’d go for it. Something Caitlin objects to in our everyday conversation.
Caitlin: But he didn’t show any interest!
Me: Don’t you think you should make him interested in you? You can’t expect him to be interested based on just your looks!
It felt as though Arden Leigh’s The New Rules of Attraction pretty much articulated all my thoughts about relationship and men into a book and spiced it up with her life as a dominatrix.
She spoke of how one should create their own persona and stand out among the crowd. Where Arden goes all out to be the best dressed at an event, I choose to stand out by just being underdressed. No, you don’t go out in flip-flops and pyjamas. I’m all about less is more and that nothing gives you more confidence than when you’re feeling the most at ease and that is my persona.
On days I’m out at a club and not being particularly in the mood, I’d observe. There would be girls dolled up to the core with six inch heels holding a flute of champagne sitting/standing by the side and there would be the fun girl right at the top of the podium just doing her thing not giving two F’s about the world, dressed down in flats. Guess who nabs the guy? Them men notice when you’re having a good time and they want to be a part of that.
Now I’m no pick up artist nor am I a seductress. I am definitely no where as gorgeous as Arden Leigh. But I get my guys. By the time I reached the end of the book, I realized only one thing. It’s not that I can’t get a guy. I can’t find a guy I actually want to say, “F the MMA fighters or English accents or A&F/Men’s Health models, it’s you that I want!”
Want, not need. I’ve always told my boyfriends, “I want to be with you cause it makes me happy and if the relationship does not make me feel that way then there is no reason for you to be in my life.”
Caitlin argued that I never gave enough time to get to know a guy. I truly believe that you have a preview a man’s personality after he cums. He is relaxed and he is himself because there is no need to impress anymore. If he’s nice, he’s genuinely nice. If he’s the serious kinda guy, it’ll show too and Arden confirmed that theory in her book. Not just men, it applies to me too (can’t speak for other women out there though).
Picking a guy based on a glimpse of his personality might sound shallow but hear me out. Chemistry and compatibility is something that cannot be forced. If you don’t fancy a grump who seemingly feels like the world owes him an apology, then why pursue it? I personally love them silly dorky ones whose loud, witty and full of energy.
In the past 1.5 years I have been single, I went on dates with 13 different men. Some I went on a date just to get into their pants, some I lost interest after just one date. Finn lasted a couple of dates but I didn’t like his personality enough to want a relationship.
I was obsessed with Seth and Aaron but even then, I didn’t want a relationship. As much as our chemistry were unmistakable and I loved their personalities, Seth is everything but loyal while Aaron is a junkie, pothead and always, always drunk.
I’m past the phase of trying to fix men.
VERDICT: Don’t pick a guy to spend your life with just because he is available or good looking. Go after what you want but there NEED to be chemistry, compatibility and sexual attraction. Don’t settle for less than what you think you deserve!