The Virgin

Two weeks back, Christy turned up at our usual joint with the whole crew from her sister’s wedding. Her sister’s hubs, although not that great looking, oozes sex appeal.

I was then introduced to his little brother.

Name: TODD
Origin: KL
Ethnicity: British-Chinese
Height: 5″10. Lean and VERY muscular
First impression: Bad boy
Age: 4 years younger

Todd had his brother’s features but was way better looking. He had this mysterious bad boy vibe going on with hair covering half his face and all the way down to his ass. And his body.. Oh. My. God!! He looked like he was made of pure muscles!

Christy: Come meet my brother in law! He’s very shy, doesn’t talk much but is really good looking.. look! *puts my hands on his chest and abs*
Me: Fine, fine. I will after a couple of shots.

When I finally decided to chat him up, Todd was really uptight, replying only with one liners.

Christy: You should try him out! I think he’s really good looking.
Me: He doesn’t even talk!!
Christy: Isn’t that a challenge?
Me: Bring it on! I get a burger if I get him.
Christy: You’ll have to sleep with him for that burger! He’s seriously very shy though. I’ve never seen him talking to a girl! EVER!

After a few more attempts, I dragged Christy up to Todd.

Me: Is he gay?
Christy: I don’t know. Are you?
Todd: No I definitely am not!

The ‘are you gay’ line had always been my last resort.. and it works every single time! If the guy is cold to you, accuse him of being gay and WALLA! Next thing you know, you’d have his tongue down your throat!

.. and that’s exactly what happened with Todd. I’d give a better description of how I ended up making out with him all night but I have no F-ing clue! He did however manage to pull off the whole rough making out and I was convinced he’d be a good F.

I’d estimate that we made out for a good 3 hours and when the night ended, I told the shy boy;

Me: I’m gonna F you tonight.
Him: No babe, not tonight.

Fine. We exchanged numbers and parted ways.

When I woke up the next day to a massive hangover, I called Christy.

Me: Babe!! WTF happened? How did I end up making out with him?
Her: I’ve no idea, I was so F-ing wasted!
Me: Yeah, you made out with him too! I totally freaked out!!
Her: Don’t be so dramatic! Please, please do not bring that up again, it’s just another kiss, with another guy from another club on another week!
Me: Riggggghhhtt!! You should have seen it from my eyes babeee!! You came to us while we were making out, said you wanted a threesome and kissed him! I was like uhhh.. babe that’s your brother in law!!
Her: But really, you guys making you is a pretty big deal. I really have never seen him talking to a girl. Did he text you?

Oh no he didn’t! That kid doesn’t get to make out with me all night with no follow up so I texted him;

Me: Hey Todd! Tess here. Did you get home safe?
Him: Who’s the F is this?
Me: Is this Todd?
Him: No
Me: Ok, sorry!
Him: Nah just messing. I’m alright!
Me: Text me on Whatsapp!

So I found out from Christy that Todd is not on Facebook and does not use Whatsapp. Weird. But 2 days later when I have totally forgotten bout his existence, Todd texted me on Whatsapp! Christy, her sis and her hubs were totally amazed!

Come weekend, after the night of my epic switch, I texted Todd in the evening. Read about The Epic Switch HERE.

Me: Hey what you up to tonight?
Him: Nothing, what do you have in mind?
Me: More like where do you have in mind?

We settled for a budget hotel nearby at 11pm that night.

Todd turned up drunk!

He couldn’t walk a straight line, pushed me on the bed, made out, went down on me, ripped my bra apart.. Yes, he tore my bra. He’s lucky I wore an old one that day or I would have screamed at him.. and the best thing happened.


He freaked out, going all, “No F-ing way, not today of all times.. and here I am thinking it was going to be awesome!” then locked himself in the bathroom for a good 45 minutes trying to get it up.


I on the other hand couldn’t believe what was happening. I know about how it is when a guy can’t get it up. I had 2 ex-boyfriends who were like that and as soon as they got into the “F, not right now” mode, there’s no way in hell it’s waking up, especially not when you’re drunk!

So as I lay on the bed while he desperately wanked off in the bathroom, I decided that he is after all Christy’s family and I should not be an ass to him. Under normal circumstances I would have dressed up, knocked on the door to tell him I’m leaving.

But I dragged him out, and chatted with him for almost 2 hours till my tummy started rumbling and I decided to head to my usual joint to look for Phil who told me that Aaron was there making out with some chic. Read about Aaron PART 1 and PART 2.

Me: I’m headed to the club. You could come if you want to, either way, I’m going.
Him: You sure you want me to come?
Me: Yeah. We could have some beers and you can be there with me to annoy someone.

Sure, he couldn’t F. But he was still a F-ing good sight for sore eyes! I felt content just looking at him and the thought that I could have F-ed something that hot had my ego shooting out of the roof!

At the club, Aaron’s friends broke into a fight with Phil and some guys at the next table. Phil and Aaron were talking and when Aaron saw me, he screamed, “YOU!! I F-ING HATE YOU!! YOU AND I, WE TALK LATER!”

I drunk texted Aaron the night before..

Me: Where are you?!
Him: I can’t come I’m wasted! *sends image of blowjobs shots*
Me: You were wasted two hours ago. COME!
Him: My brother is driving and he is sending me home.
Me: Tell him that if he doesn’t turn up, I’ll never bring you guys in for free again.
Him: Really? Fine!
Me: BYE!

Yup. I pissed the hell outta Aaron the night before with my drunk texts but as soon as Aaron laid eyes on Todd, he came to me and hugged me real tight while planting kisses on my cheeks;

Aaron: How are you? Is that your new guy?
Me: *Smiles and pats Todd on his muscular chest*

TESS – 1


And when Todd left for the washroom, Aaron came up to me again..

Aaron: How are you babe? Apart from the texts last night, I F-ing miss you! *tries to kiss me*
Me: Stop it! He’ll be back soon!
Aaron: We’re leaving now. You can come over later if you want. We’ll all be at my place.
Me: Dude, I’ve got a guy to deal with..
Aaron: That guy? Yeah, I’ve a girlfriend thing going on as well, did I tell you?
Me: Yes. So we are not gonna F anymore!
Aaron: No, we can. I still want to!
Me: No, I don’t want to. We are not F-ing anymore.
Aaron: Ok but that’s you. I still want to F you! *tries to kiss me again*
Me: Behave yourself! Go home!

By the time Todd came back, I was in the shittiest mood ever. I looked at him, rubbed him down on his chest and abs, and I still felt nothing! Good Lord, even a sack of muscles couldn’t pull me out of the rut Aaron had put me in.

Fast forward, Todd got drunk on 4 beers, I had to drag his ass into the cab and he was dead to the world as soon as he landed on the bed. When we woke up, I was hungry and we left soon after with him still moping bout his failed erection.

Although I didn’t get laid, the weekend was just epic! Todd couldn’t F but I sure was proud as hell parading him around the club as my trophy boy!

3 days later as I was chatting with Christy, she left me a voice note;

Her: OMG OMG I wanted to tell you but I totally forgot. My sister told me this. Todd.. is.. a.. virgin!
Her: Todd told his brother bout it. They picked him up in the morning after you left and he was really down. Apparently that night he announced to his family that he was going on a date when he went out to meet you.
Me: This can’t be real man! I almost F-ed a virgin? IT’S A BOOTY CALL NOT A DATE!
Her: Yes. I’m kinda glad you didn’t take his virginity away. He’s a very quiet guy. I heard that during the wedding his parents actually took photos when they saw him talking to his brother’s friends!

Oh wow! I may have turned into a cougar, but I ain’t no virginity thief! How could I have missed all the signs?!

Imagine if he had actually gotten it up, I’m pretty sure he would have had a pretty good first F. I give pretty damn good instructions! But on the hindsight, I’m glad it didn’t happen.

As much as I’m sure guys just wants to get rid of their virginity as opposed to girls saving it for The One, I’m sure there’s a better way for him to lose his than to someone 4 years older than him who’s only interested in his muscles at a budget hotel on a booty call.

VERDICT: Again, never judge a book by it’s cover. The bad boys might just turn out to be a virgin!


The Epic Switch

Friday night was a mess.

After one too many whiskeys, I was incredibly mad at Aaron who bailed on meeting me at our usual joint.

Me: Where are you?!
Him: I can’t come I’m wasted! *sends image of blowjobs shots*
Me: You were wasted two hours ago. COME!
Him: My brother is driving and he is sending me home.
Me: Tell him that if he doesn’t turn up, I’ll never bring you guys in for free again.
Him: Really? Fine!

I was furious. Read about Aaron HERE and HERE.

After a couple more champagnes, I was drunk dancing on the sofa when I saw Phil talking to a guy. I immediately jumped in front of them.

Name: BUCK
Origin: Austria
Ethnicity: Austrian
Height: 6″. Buff
First impression: BICEPS!
Age: 8 years younger

Phil introduced us and we hit it off immediately. When I say hit it off, what I really meant was that we danced and made out and made small meaningless talks.

By 5am, I left with Buck.

When we got into the cab, Buck’s friend entered with us and I was immediately drawn to his accent before I even got a glimpse of his face.

Me: Where are you from? I love your accent!
Him: Why does it matter where I’m from. All that matters is where Buck is from!

Origin: London
Ethnicity: English
Height: 5″10. Lean
First impression: Asshole
Age: 4 years younger

We headed to their friend’s place for more drinks.

Glenn was a talking machine. He talks without the need to breathe and his accent just killed me.

Me: *asks random question about him*
Glenn: You don’t need to know anything about me. I’m a myth. You won’t know I exist when we leave this place.

Glenn is the biggest asshole I have ever met. Self absorbed, cocky, sarcastic, insulting.. but he was also very charismatic, charming, funny and flirty. Need I remind you that I’m absolutely drawn to self centered assholes? Personality aside, Glenn was pretty good looking with killer abs!

I was cuddled up on the sofa with Buck but after an hour I decided I was in love with Glenn and got my ass off Buck.

For the rest of the morning, I sat on the single seater opposite Glenn watching him talk, occasionally throwing insults back at him while eye F-ing him the entire time.

I was literally giving him the come F me eyes and he knew it. His insults were getting more sexual as time went on and his eyes never left mine.

Me: Don’t you need to breathe in between talking? You’re so F-ing noisy!
Glenn: Baby, I’m a Demigod. Don’t pretend you’re not turned on by my accent.
Me: Geezzz.. You’re the biggest asshole I have ever met!
Glenn: And you know you like it *stares at me with pure intensity*

Every time Buck tried to cuddle up near me, I’d jump straight up to light a cigarette, get more beers or be seated elsewhere.

As I snatched the pillow off Glenn, he retaliated but went all, “You’re so blardy annoying, you’re lucky I have a soft spot for you.”

Eventually I decided to stop being a pussy and make an actual move on Glenn after all the eye F-ing. It was not his place to make a move on his buddy’s girl anyways. I was pretty damn sure the attraction/feeling/lust was mutual!

After a whole lot more insulting flirts, I planted myself next to him on the sofa. Just then, a girlfriend of mine texted and I replied her with, ‘I came back with a guy but I so wanna F his friend. That English accent is too sexy!’


And I did the bravest thing ever!

Me: Dude, check this out! *shows him my reply to my girlfriend*
Glenn: Wait, what? I can’t see.. Ahh..
Me: *shows him my dialpad for his number*
Glenn: I can’t remember my number *passes me his phone to call my own*

Glenn immediately texted me on Whatsapp;

Him: Yo! What’s happening?
Me: You tell me
Him: I’m gonna F you today
Me: You sure that’s a good idea?
Him: Yes
Me: Your friend would be pissed
Him: Tell him
Me: No way!

Glenn and I continued to text while we sat next to or opposite one another. One of their friends noticed the weirdness going on and I overheard him asking Glenn why was he being such a prick to Buck. It was pretty damn hilarious!

By 9am, Buck tried his luck with me on the single seater again..

Glenn: Get your ass off that woman, she’s mine!
Buck: Right, thanks for stating the obvious mate!

Glenn, Buck and I left for Glenn’s place at about 9.30am but got stuck outside for the longest time while the management tore down his gate and the boys kicked the door open cause Glenn lost his keys.

When we finally got in, Buck pretty much tried everything he could to seduce me. Spanking my ass while I cooked eggs, taking off his shirt, flexing his muscles..

Eventually I figured that at the rate things were going, there was no way I was going to get laid and decided to make a move to meet Christy for lunch.

After alot of arguing about me leaving, we agreed that I would come back after lunch and Glenn gave me MYR50 to bring back some beers.

Glenn texted as soon as I left;

Him: Why do you have to go meet your friend?
Me: Cause she just broke up and slept with a stranger. She don’t usually sleep around but she did today and she feels like crap about it. I already left her last night, I can’t leave her alone now!
Him: Ok, promise you’ll come back!
Me: Yes I will. I’d prefer if you send Buck home though.
Him: I will

Long story short, after lunch at about 3pm I begged Christy to send me back to Glenn’s, was too tired to even move (I had been drinking from 12am till 9.30am and haven’t had a wink of sleep) and we talked for 2 hours till his friend came over and I left for home at 6pm. And yes, Glenn told Buck to go home to get some rest.

While waiting for my ride at the lobby, I texted Todd;

Me: What you up to tonight?
Todd: Nothing. What do you have in mind?
Me: More like where do you have in mind..

But we’ll leave that for another post 🙂

Although I did not F either one of the boys, I had an epic night. This would definitely be something I’d remember for the rest of my life.

I do wonder what would have happened if I didn’t leave for lunch. Would I have had a threesome? Would Glenn have been an awesome F?

Yes, I was an absolute asshole. Slut.. asshole, whatever. Same difference!


VERDICT: Everytime girls go ‘OMG his French accent is so sexy!‘, I’d wonder how could an accent be sexy when you could hardly understand a word that’s coming out of their mouths. Turns out I’m totally into the English accent!

The Rules Broken: Part II

Me: You know how Aaron used to be like a puppy to me? Follows me around, always wants my attention..
Phil: Yup. I see it all the time.
Me: He turned from a puppy in to a world class asshole. How did that happen?
Phil: The tables have turned. You’re now the puppy.

I am no one’s puppy!!

Aaron and I have been F-Buds for more than a month now. He used to be sweet and adorable. Read about Aaron’s transformation into an asshole HERE.



Come Wednesday, it was ladies night.

Christy, Violet and I headed out for dinner and drinks at the bars in town.

Initially Aaron texted Violet that he didn’t want to party anymore but would join us for drinks. We told him no. We would meet him at the club.

I was a beer and 3 tequilas in when we arrived at the club. By the time Aaron got there, I was a goner after uncountable Vodka cranberries.

Initially I found a German-Jap who took my number and left early. Then there was another big buff Persian MMA fighter who glued himself to me.

Violet greeted Aaron when he arrived but all he did was look at me even when they were talking. Christy saw him looking at me funny and asked what was up with him. All he said was nothing, he didn’t want a relationship or to commit and it looked like I was having fun anyways.


We left to our usual joint soon after.

I was flying by the time we got there and ditched the Persian guy who followed us for an English dude who found me on the podium. He was gorgeous!

After some time I left with the English but unfortunately his friends were a bunch of asswipes and they stayed in a hostel that did not allow extra guests.

I tried calling Aaron in hopes for him to pick me up since he was on the way anyway.

After 8 calls and still no answer from Aaron, Phil got me an Uber and I managed to get back to the club when Aaron was still at the entrance trying to get it.

Me: Why didn’t you answer? I called a million times.. I was stuck at xxx and was hoping that you could come pick me up on the way here!
Him: Oh sorry, I was making out with a girl.
Me: Where is she now?
Him: On the way over.

Inside, I found Phil and had more whiskey. By the time Aaron found us at the bar, I looked like I could really use some sobering up as much as I was still alright. Aaron gave me some water and did not allow me to have the beer Phil had while I continued to drunk dance till Phil came back and told us that he got booty called and left me with Aaron.

Aaron decided that we should go to the dance floor. But I jumped up the podium immediately. Down on the dance floor, he was watching me while picking up chics.

When he went missing, his friend, Sam found me and took me to the dance floor where Violet pointed out a hot guy next to me.

Name: SVEN
Origin: Turkey
Ethnicity: Turkish-Lebanese
Height: 6″. Lean
First impression: Gorgeous
Age: 6 years younger

Towards end of the night, Aaron texted asking me to leave with him. I told him to wait while I gave Sven my number.

When I pointed at my cheek for a kiss but I kissed him on the lips instead, Sven didn’t allow me leave. Violet wanted to follow his friend and pleaded that I go with her.

I turned back to see Aaron looking at me and it hurts like a bitch to do that to him. As much as I wanted to be in his arms, it had to be done. I hate playing games but the kid needed to know that I will always have options and my sex life did not revolve around him.

Violet and I left with the guys soon after.

Well Sven was hot so I really did not mind. But he was a model who was obviously an airhead and sucked in bed. I came to conclusion that all models have got no skills in the sack. No kissing, no foreplay, no stamina and a very small ding-dong!

I checked my phone after we were done F-ing to find that Aaron had called a total of 5 times and when I didn’t reply his messages on Whatsapp, he texted me on Facebook.

Me: Did you get laid? I found a model his body is awesome!
Him: No I can’t think of sex right now.
Me: Why not?
Him: I’ll tell you later. Where are you?

Oh and the next day I checked the time stamp of when I called him and when he arrived at the club, it was impossible for him to be making out with a girl and get to the club that fast! It was a total lie!


The next day, I tried to booty call him. I was after all an ass to him the night before. I wanted him to know that I still wanted to F him;

Me: You couldn’t think of sex last night. Would you like some now?
Him: No thanks 🙂 I’m getting some now.

Fine. Be an ass.

I whined to Seth no end bout it cause I needed an asshole’s advice.

He’s F-ing 25 what do you expect? He’s emotionally attached to you. He’s jealous and is showing you that he’s getting some too.”

I was wondering if he’d ever bother with me again..



I invited him to party with us and he didn’t reply till late at night.

I decided if I saw him that night, I would play nice if he did the same.

Initially he told me he’d come, but ended up at our usual joint with Phil instead.

I went on getting smashed and while trying to wing Christy, I turned and got the shock of my life when I saw him in my face. I immediately grabbed him and made out on the podium, the highest and brightest point of the club.

Apparently, he came to look for a girl but he was pretty much with me the entire time.

Me: You’re mine tonight.
Him: I’m booked tonight.
Me: Right. It’s not a choice.

When Aaron told me that he was going to run off to look for the girl, I saw him standing alone at the dance floor. Alone!

He could have at least hid somewhere less obvious *roll eyes*

We left to our usual joint soon after he left and when I got there, my night was a complete blur. I wish I remembered more but I guess the gist of it was that he was with me the entire night, very well behaved.

Every time I talked to someone else, he would stand around taking care of me, hug me from the back or be standing nearby watching me instead of his usual jumping around like a mad man.

Everyone agreed that it wasn’t F-bud behavior at all.

Obviously I left with him. He was too smashed to keep it up and we ended up dancing naked in bed. Weird shit.

Oh and probably cause Phil asked us to slap him in the club (yup, I have a very emotional friend), I told Aaron to slap me while F-ing but he just couldn’t do it. Even the hardest was a light slap. “No I won’t do it! I’m not a violent person!

As he played DJ in front of the PC and told me to make myself comfortable on him, we ended up cuddling with him planting little very passionate kisses on my head and cheeks, slow make outs, fingering..

Him: I’m sorry I’m too F-ed to F. I owe you a F-ing good F!
Me: It’s ok, I have no intention to get laid tonight. If I did, I would have been on the dance floor. I don’t even know why I’m here!

And he hugged me so tight! So soooo tight! He was just adorable!

We talked and we danced around till around 8 or 9 in the morning and F-ed for the longest time. I was literally out of juice and had multiple orgasms but he still couldn’t finish.

Eventually we gave up and cuddled to sleep.

But the first thing he did when he woke up at 3pm was stare at the pile of clothes on the floor.

Him: What’s that?
Me: Your clothes?
Him: What’s it doing there? I can’t remember anything I did or said!


I call bullshit because later on when I asked him random questions of the night at random times, he could answer everything to the dot. I know this because I have already asked Phil.

Aaron acted all normal but it wasn’t normal at all. His normal self was usually cheeky and flirty.. it just didn’t feel like his usual self.

It felt like it was a mutual understanding that the both of us were trying to withdraw from that lovey dovey act earlier that morning.

We had our late lunch together with his brother and got home by 6pm.



He did not text me through out the week.

Come weekend, I made a bet with Phil that he would not turn up at our usual joint.

I lost my bet by evening.

Seth was out with my friends and I at another club and he promised to show up in front of Aaron to get to him. All I needed was for Seth to stand next to me.

When we got to our usual joint at about 2.30am, we found Aaron by the wall waiting for his friends.

Aaron: Is that what you found tonight?
Me: No. He’s the guy in the video playing with the baby I showed you. Remember?
Aaron: Oooh he’s Seth?!

I have previously told Aaron about my weird ass relationship with Seth and how I think I’d never be able to get over him. Read about Seth HERE and HERE.

I introduced the boys.


I could totally see the grin on Seth’s face that he wanted to laugh his ass off at me. I usually went for tall, big muscular guys like himself and Aaron was totally the opposite of that.

Aaron stormed off to look for his friends soon after with me chasing after him and Christy trying to drag my ass back but I was a very stubborn drunk.

The rest of the night was as usual, a blur.

There are memories of Aaron holding my hands and dragging me all over the club, being on the dance floor, more tequila shots and we left at about 4am for breakfast before we headed back to his place.

As we waited for our food at McDonald’s, even in my intoxicated state I could tell that Sam was interrogating me about feelings and relationships. I’m pretty sure Aaron put him up to it considering I hardly spoke to Sam at all. If anything, I totally hate his guts for being an ass to my girlfriend who’s totally heart broken right now.

Aaron and I cuddled up on the sofa and made out a whole lot with Sam telling us to get in the room.

F-ed and woke up to yet another round of cold Mr Aaron.

By the time I finished the Subway his brother brought back for lunch, I was dying to go home.

I could no longer tolerate the hot and cold behavior Aaron had towards me.

Called an Uber and as I walked out the door, I decided I was done for good.



Me: I’m guessing everyone knows I’m F-ing Aaron?
Phil: Rumors spread and it spreads fast. He was holding your hands around the club as if you guys were exclusively together.
Me: Ahh whatever, it’s not like I hide my F’s. What else did you see? I can’t remember jackass.
Phil: I saw 2 commitment phobes in love. Its weird but cute! You guys are adorable together.

I love what we had before it turned weird.

The passion when we were together. The easy conversations. The fun we had partying. When we are apart, he doesn’t require any attention and I am free to F anything else.

But there is just no way I was going to be in a relationship with a 25 year old kiddo who only has MYR7 in his bank account till the next payday and spends every cent on alcohol, drugs and girls.

I’m done with the games. I am done with him. What was meant to be a one nighter had turned into some awkward shit and I have absolutely no time for that.

My usual routine was to hunt on Fridays and get wasted on Saturdays. Aaron had turned into my designated Friday F and because of that I have lost a couple of hotties due to one too many rejections.


VERDICT: I am only human. I too have emotions and I am definitely way past the age of mind games.