The Tour Guide

About 2 years back, I was on vacation in Bali, Indonesia with Jenna, Kyle and Michelle for Michelle’s birthday.

Although I was in a relationship back then, I was determined to try out a typical beach boy. They were scattered all over Kuta Beach with their extreme tan which reminded me of dark chocolates, the solid built frames and board shorts that hung so low, it was bordering obscene.

What I imagined to get

What I imagined to get

Being our first time, we needed a tour guide. Boyfie who was not allowed on the trip got us connected to Adam, a local beach boy whom he and his buddies usually called up whenever they were in Bali.

On our second day, Jenna had scheduled us for sight seeing in the late afternoon. The rest of them were afraid of the sun so I headed out to the beach alone. It was a pretty gloomy day and the wind was so strong that there was no way I could lie down without getting sand in my mouth.

The local boys who had a stall that sold water and tit bits nearby invited me to join them. I hung out with them for a bit, managed to squeeze in a massage and a temporary tattoo before I took off to meet the rest of them for sightseeing.

Seated with his back facing me, Adam turned, looking up at me, clearly distracted by all my loud jabbering about how I managed to bargain for the extremely cheap massage and tattoo.

His eyes lit up at the sight of me and I saw him discreetly checking me out from head to toe from the corner of my eyes.

Name: ADAM
Origin: Bali
Ethnicity: Balinese
Height: 5″10. Buffed
First impression: Nothing much
Age: My age (I think? Can’t quite recall)

Our next stop was Uluwatu. Simply breathtaking. A temple of the 11th century built high up on the hill. I was told it was meant to protect Bali from evil spirits. There were monkeys running around and we were told to keep any loose belongings like our shades and hats or the monkeys would take off with it.

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Adam was a cheerful guy, constantly singing, poking fun at me, making sure I was alright the entire time, subtly flirting. I noticed how he paid close attention to my every move and wants, and trust me when I say at times, I am a too loud and demanding for my own good kinda girl.

My friends had learnt to ignore my every wants but the new guy clearly had a lot to learn. Safe to say, they were more than happy that some one else was catering to all my requests;

I want yummy local food. Must be cheap, must serve beers, must not have a single foreigner in sight
I wanna take a photo.. no, I look fat in this.. Take it from that angle!
I wanna go there!” (at that point Michelle gave out a look of horror when I pointed to the other end of the hill, which was probably a 30 minute hike? It was quite hilarious, really!).

You get my drift. To sum it up, I was just a whole load of I wants and a major pain in the ass and Adam catered to my every request. One could say it was his job to take us around, but the poor guy did not have to keep me entertained all day. It was clear that Adam took an interest in me and I used that to my full advantage.

Although we paid him to take us around for 12 hours, he had a gig at a local bar that night so while we got ready for our night out, he went on with his other job.

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We met up with him at the bar. Turns out he was not only a tour guide, but a part time magician. The entire time we were there, he entertained us with his endless magic tricks. I’m easily amused and ooh-ed and ahh-ed at everything he did.

When Adam clocked out, I wanted to party. The first club we entered was boring. They played hip hop and that was clearly not my thing. By the time I wanted out and into another club, the rest of them wanted to leave.

They took a cab back and left me alone with Adam who then took me where ever I wanted.

Me: I think I’ll call it a night too. I’m broke!
Him: Don’t worry about it.

I was indeed broke. What I had intended for to be a budget trip had turned awry. The night before, Michelle had picked out the most expensive seafood restaurant on the street for her birthday dinner. We ordered lobsters among the many other dishes and more than half my funds went into that.

Adam paid for my cover charge and drinks at the next club.

As he collected our drinks from the bar, he turned to me, looking me straight in the eye,

Him: Do not tell your boyfriend!
Me: Huh? Tell what?

He grabbed me and kissed me quickly. Whoaa! I briefly kissed him back but I was in shock! Well with my demands and his willingness to comply, it wasn’t something totally unexpected but I didn’t think he would dare to do so considering how it was boyfie to hooked him up with us.

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Adam seemed to have taken the kiss as a cue that I was his for the rest of the night.

He scowled at every guy who took a second look at me and I just gave up mid way. There were no hotties in sight anyway. At least Adam was decently good looking and had a body that got me curious of what’s underneath the clothing.

We danced and made out while he kept me entertained with all his magic tricks the entire night. When it was time to leave, Adam took me back to his apartment where I argued that I wanted to go to the beach.

After a girlfriend had described her vacation one night stand with a dive instructor on the rocks at the beach under the moonlight, I was wanting some beach action myself.

I have never had sex on the beach and when even a beach boy refused to, I was utterly disappointed.

Oh did I mention it was the time of the month? Adam didn’t care. At his place, we made out for a bit before he plucked out my tampon (eww!!). We F-ed. Nothing interesting here. Small. Regular boring boom boom. Nothing to rave about really.

Him: What are your plans tomorrow?
Me: Nothing much. I guess I’m going to the beach alone.
Him: I’ll take you there. But you gotta promise me not to disturb the beach boys.
Me: *groans*

WTH! I came all the way here and got myself stuck to ONE beach boy? Geezz..

When we were done, we headed out to McDonald’s for breakfast where he paid for my meal before sending me back to my room, where I crawled into bed and pretended that nothing happened (we all shared the room).

I think the entire day’s earning from us just went straight back into my stomach!

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Adam appeared at our room the next morning while I was still in the shower. I came out with only my bikini and the rest of them were all, “please be decent, we have a guest in here with us“.

Pfft.. Nothing he has not seen yet!

Since it was only the 2 of us, he took us around on his motorbike for a little shopping and chilled on the beach. Mid day, I was done. I just got plain sick of him treating me like I was his property so I made him send me back to the room.

The rest of them were still out and about. I guess he was expecting more action when he walked me to the door. I gave him a hug, said bye and literally shut the door in his face.

They came back before dinner to find me in bed glued to my phone texting Luke, whom I was then scandal-ing with. Read about Luke HERE.

Kyle: Did you pay Adam for taking you around today?
Me: No.
Kyle: You do realize he’s our tour guide and not your monkey right?
Me: *Laughs* Doesn’t matter. He willingly did it. He paid for my drinks last night too. And breakfast.
Kyle: Men.. *sigh*

Adam dropped by before we were leaving Bali just to hang out with the group. Michelle started to suspect something wasn’t right. I pretty much ignored him and he behaved weirdly around me.

When our transport to the airport arrived, Adam shook hands with all of them but hugged me goodbye and told me to, “Be good“, with a sad puppy face.

That raised a few eyebrows!

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Them: What did you do to him? What did you guys do?
Me: Nothing! I am having my period and I came back remember?

VERDICT: It seems to me that holiday romances are a wee bit over rated. Or did mine go south because I’m such an unromantic person?

P/S: I am a romantic! I cry during chic flicks and romance novels!

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The Disappointment

Now why am I disappointed?

I’ve never been with a Hungarian man.

According to THIS article, Hungarian men has the largest ding-dong in all of Europe.. and I quote Cosmopolitan, “The average reported length of Hungarian men: 6.5 inches“.

And THIS article states that Hungarian men lead the pack in sexual prowess.

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Long story short, its the end of the year and gorgeous foreign men are flocking into the country. I decided that I wanted to try going on a date with a passerby. A tourist. It’s not everyday that I come across hot men based in KL after all.

Swiping through Tinder, I matched with Keith. He left me a message soon after and when I finally checked, he was already out of the country. I did not bother to reply.

After Halloween, I uploaded a Tinder moment of me in my party costume. Keith messaged me again.

I learnt that Keith was a flight attendant with a major airline and would be having a layover in KL in a week. I thought to myself that this was my chance of doing a passerby! The dude would not permanently be in KL but I might just be able to see him again if I liked him enough!

We chatted over Whatsapp for the entire week. Keith was a chatter. The amount of texts he sent was quite frankly overwhelming. I now understand how men feel when we flood their screen with messages.

YESTERDAY

It was the day we planned to meet. Keith wanted to check out Marini’s 57 at KLCC. It was a high end bar on the 57th floor of an office building right next to KLCC with the perfect view of the Twin Towers. Needless to say the drinks were way over priced. Not a place I particularly fancy.

I braced the insane traffic into the city hoping that it would not be yet another disaster date. He did not have roaming nor does he have any Internet as soon as he leaves his hotel so we chose to meet at Starbucks. Little did I know that KLCC had a total of 3 Starbucks including the one at Aquaria.

When we finally met, we had an awkward hug and exchange of kisses on the cheeks. I was dying of hunger (what’s new?!) and decided on a place to eat.

Name: KEITH
Origin: Hungary
Ethnicity: Hungarian
Height: 6″2. Normal, a little buffed
First impression: Very good looking
Age: 2 years younger

Conversation was smooth (but rather boring) throughout dinner and drinks at Marini’s. We took turns to pay for our rounds of beers. Took some photos and selfies with the Twin Towers at the background before we left for another bar near the hotel he was staying cause I was simply dying for the pizza.

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While sending him back to his hotel after more beers, we got lost BIG time!

Although it is a freaking 5 star luxury hotel, I was not able to search for it on my Garmin. Waze took us right next to the hotel and said that we have reached our destination while we were still on the highway with no turning into the place. We tried searching for landmarks nearby on Google maps to key into my Garmin but still we couldn’t find anything!

We got lost driving around for a whole hour! I was infuriated but had decided to remain calm. I had after all spent MYR 90+ for the night and with all the driving around (when I could have easily dropped him off somewhere and asked him to take a cab), I HAD to try this Hungarian man! I ain’t gonna go hunting for another one.

When we finally found our way to the hotel, I was exhausted, extremely sleepy and very, very thirsty.

Him: I’d invite you up but you would need to park your car.
Me: If you have water up there, I’ll park my car.

Got up to the room, had a couple of ciggies while making stupid small talks till he finally said that we should move to the bed.

To be honest, Keith is really good looking but I really wasn’t sexually attracted to him at all. I blame the 2 articles for my curiosity!

When Keith kissed me, initially I thought it was funny. He kept circling his tongue in circular motions around my lips. Then I realized he wasn’t teasing me, that was just the way he kissed! Man, it was frustrating.

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I wish I could ask him why he kissed the way he did but obviously something like that would break his ego or offend him or something. Keith had after all been telling me all night that most female flight attendant are hitting on him. I expected him to be more well experience.

As I unwrapped the package, I was dumbfounded! Was it fully awake? Were the undies too tight that maybe I did not get a full grasp of it?

I have always said that undressing a man is like tearing open a present. You never know if it would be a happy surprise or a shocking one, and not in a good way.

Turns out, either the article was full of shit or that I’m just lucky to have found one of the minorities in size. It was probably no larger than 4 inches and not much of a girth too. I might as well have F-ed a Chinese boy! Let’s just say Keith has a size that you would love only if you were deeply in love with him (then even his farts would smell good!).

6″2 and tiny? Oh well, I guess God is fair. Keith has gotta be the smallest packaged foreign man I have experienced thus far. And there I was bragging to my friends that all foreigners are way larger than us Malaysians. I guess I have just been lucky this whole time. They were all at least 6 inches!

Oh and the performance? Lets just say I wish I could roll over and sleep. I was so afraid that I would actually doze off!

Me: Did you just cum?
Him: No. I usually don’t cum fast, or not at all after I drink and with a condom on.

Damnit!

What Keith lacked in size, he made up for it in endurance (or was it cause it’s so boring that it felt like it was taking forever?) but it was really.. for the lack of better words to describe it, it was mind numbingly boring!

I now totally appreciate Finn, especially after blowing up at him multiple times and he’s still sticking around. I’ll save Part II of Finn’s story for another post. Read about Finn HERE. I think I’m gonna text him tomorrow!

Then again, Keith’s endurance could also be caused by the cock ring he sneakily slipped on expecting me not to realize. I honestly can’t be arsed.

Him: I’m too tired, I’m probably not gonna finish. We’ll continue when we wake up.
Me: I kinda need to leave after this.. and I’m reallyyy sleepy!

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And so I left.

P/S: Did I mention that Keith ditched Tinder date #2 to hang out with me longer? 7 hours of chatting that leads up to boring sex is just a massive waste of time. If only I passed him over to her instead.

VERDICT: I have been fooled by the height of men for the second time now. Tall dudes does not equal large package.