The Stingy Cunts

I did 2 ‘dates’ in a day! Woot woooot!! Are you proud of me?

If you did not read my last post, I’m on a 5 first date challenge because I’m outright terrified of dates. I hate the thought of sitting down with a guy and listening to him yak. I definitely do not enjoy telling my life stories to him either.

Read about my disastrous Date 1 of 5 HERE

 

DATE NO.1 aka THE MID DAY BOOTY CALL

Name: MACK
Origin: Tehran, Iran
Ethnicity: Persian
Height: 6″1. Toned
First impression: Beautiful!
Age: 1 or 2 years younger

Some weeks back I matched with Mack on Tinder. We chatted on and off for 2 weeks before I eventually bumped into him at the club.

Everybody who knew me knows that I only go to that one club every weekend and Mack knew too. He was out partying elsewhere but came over at around 3am and texted me. Being a little too exhausted from all the drama that was going on with Phil and his girlfriend, I ignored his messages.

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I was lazing at the lounge/bar outside the club, completely sober when I turned and our eyes locked as Mack walked past me! Oh man, he’s gorgeous! Well to be fair, he is a model after all.

Speaking of models, I’m totally hating myself for not replying this dude on Tinder. We matched, he said hi and I totally ignored him for 3 months only to realize he is totally drop dead gorgeous in photos other than the ones he put up on Tinder. If only I had checked out his Instagram earlier! (I did so cause he was a mutual friend with Mack)

Anyways, back to Mack. We hugged and chatted for a little before he decided to rejoin his friends. Right before he left, he tapped on his cheeks, motioning me for a kiss. I shook my head but he did it again. Ahh, what the heck!

When I returned to my table, my girlfriends gave me the wiggly brow, ‘who’s the new guy’ look. I tried to contain my laughter but I burst out laughing as I texted him to join me at the other side of the club.

I decided I wanted a sober first kiss.

I know that was a weird statement but you see, I counted the number of guys I made out with which totaled up to about 45 (not that many.. but it isn’t a small number either) and the last I had a sober first kiss was 8 years back!

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So anyways, our hands intertwined as we entered the club and he grabbed on to me as we danced. 10 minutes flew by and I decided I should get back to Phil and his girlfriend who were arguing at the bar outside (they were my ride home and Phil told me to make it quick).

We kissed right after I screamed into his ears that I have got to get moving before a war starts outside though truthfully, I just very much wanted my bed. But yay! One off the checklist; A sober first kiss!

Mack tried to booty call me the day after but unfortunately it was the time of the month (again) and Mr Hot & Sexy Model would just have to wait a week.

 

YESTERDAY

I didn’t have much work to do. By 3pm, appointments were done and I was too lazy to continue working. I texted Mack;

Me: Hey baby what are you up to?
Him: I just got home. Doing some work. Wassup?
Me: Want me to come accompany you?

.. and with that, I drove a whole freaking 30 minutes to his place. “This F better be worth the distance!” played like a broken record in my head the entire journey.

I have not had anything to fill my growling stomach all day and we ordered me some pasta as soon as I arrived.

The doorbell rang, the delivery guy passed him the food and he just looked at me blankly as I ran to him with 20 bucks.

Excuse me, you’re already getting a free F delivered to your door. Can’t you at least have the courtesy of paying MYR14 for my food? Every body can afford MYR14!

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After my stomach was happy, we cuddled on the bed over an episode of Game of Thrones.

Of course we had sex but I’d rate it.. 4/10?

Mack is large and all but is it me or is it that Persian men do not bother with foreplay at all? He is the third one by now and it seems to be common with them. If he had bothered to fool around for a bit, I’m sure it would not have hurt as much!

We actually F-ed twice before I decided it’s time to make a move. I was bored. I wasn’t interested in anything he had to say. I did not want to fall asleep. I definitely did not want to stay after sex for any more sex.

Mack is gorgeous, don’t get me wrong. I’d rate his ass 15/10! Like really, he has gotta have the roundest, firmest ass I have ever seen on a guy.

But fact that he lives like 40 minutes from home, the lack of foreplay and that he could not even be bothered to pay for lunch was quite a major turn off. Oh and the lack of biceps too!

OK fine, I lied. A booty call isn’t a date!

 

 

DATE NO.2 aka TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM!

Name: ELI
Origin: KL
Ethnicity: Malay
Height: 6″. Skinny with a huge belly
First impression: Rich dude
Age: 3 years older

Eli is one of the guys we party with. One of the VIPs in the club who orders bottles after bottles of whiskey for as long as there are still people at his table.

Not that I’m judging, but I always have the opinion that people like them have no friends. They spend week after week at clubs paying for every body’s drinks so long as they have company.

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But free drinks? What is there to complain?

Even if there were 10 other gorgeous girls at the table, Eli would always try to get my attention. Most times I’d avoid him but the guys are always going, “take one for the team!”.

In other words, just lead him on.

Eli had asked me out for dinner for weeks now and finally, he told me;

Him: You know I’m going to see you again right?
Me: Yeah of course!
Him: Not in a club. I want to take you out for dinner.
Me: Why?
Him: Just to hang out..
Me: Hang out? Oohhh there’s this awesome pizza place.. Let’s all go together! *signalling Phil and his girlfriend to join the conversation*

Then I begged them to come with me.

Like really, I have nothing in common with Eli. I definitely am no where near physically attracted to him. How could I survive yet another date? Take one for the team, remember? What if I pissed him off too?

 

YESTERDAY

We headed to that awesome pizza place and like every fast food outlet, you will need to order at the counter and pay before you get your food.

To summarize the evening; Phil and Eli went to place our orders. Eli was looking grumpy while we waited for our food. Food came, we stuffed our faces and Eli became chatty again. All he talked of was himself and truth be told, if Phil and girlfie wasn’t there, I’d probably have pissed him off too!

I really do hate show offs. So what if you are a VIP in every other club and spend like a millionaire wannabe? Do you really need to announce that to the world?

During part of the conversation when we spoke of the club that Lance owned, Eli kept going, “I can afford it, but why should I bother? I don’t get VIP treatment there!“. Well darling, if I went to that club I’d be VVIP cause the owner wants to get into my pants. But did I announce that to the table? Obviously not! *rolls eyes* (Read a little about Lance HERE)

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When Eli went to the washroom, Phil told us that Eli only paid MYR20 off the total bill and Phil paid the rest. What guy asks you out to dinner but does not at least pay that 15 lousy bucks for your pizza? Again, it’s not that I cannot afford the MYR15, but it is common courtesy! Well, at least in Malaysia.

Eli is definitely not getting a second date and definitely not gonna get into my pants (not like he ever had a chance). Perhaps Christy can take one for the team from now on.

And yeah, this too wasn’t exactly a date. A double date more like it but also yet another awkward failure!

UPDATE: Eli asked me out again. Why don’t they just get a hint?

 

VERDICT: I have no idea if I have developed a habit of pissing men off or if my tolerance has became so low that I nitpick at every little thing they do or say! All I know is I am terrified of the potential outcome of my 3 upcoming first dates.

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The Date From Hell

I hate going on dates.

My last 2 dates were total disasters. I was a nervous, giggly wreck and Marcel totally ignored me after that night (Read about the date with Marcel HERE). My date with Felipe was so extremely boring that I started blabbering through out dinner, he must think I’m an idiot and I honestly can’t give a flying F even if he thinks I’ve a hairy asshole (Read a little about how I met Felipe HERE).

As I told the story of how dates, particularly sitting through a dinner or multiple beers, exchanging life stories and bonding terrifies the bejeezus outta me, Christy suggested I go on a 5 date a month challenge. I hate the thought of having to converse with a guy, but Christy is right. I need to get over the fear of dates!

Tinder. The fastest way to score a hot date!

Name: JOSEPH
Origin: KL
Ethnicity: A mixture of 5 different bloodlines. I really can’t recall.
Height: 5″10. VERY normal.
First impression: Cocky bastard. He thinks he’s all that.
Age: 2 years older

Swipe, swipe, swipe.. I matched with Joseph. As it turns out, I saw him at a club once and was checking him out all night. I would have gone up to him if he wasn’t literally surrounded by girls who were all over him.

Joseph is a local celebrity. A TV presenter and a model. Explains the cockiness.

No where as hot obviously

No where as hot obviously

After some witty exchange of replies, Joseph asked me out for drinks but I declined. Two days later he invited me for beers at a local bar nearby. I agreed. Oh did I mention that Christy matched with him on Tinder too?

I’ll skip the whole process of how we greeted with a hug and crap and jump straight to the point of how all he ever spoke of was that he wanted a threesome with Christy and I. That I have a ‘come-F-me’ face AND a ‘cum-on-my-face’ face. That we should go have sex at the washroom behind.

How UN-charming! I like assholes, but Joseph is just dodgy! Even if it was a joke, it’s not funny.

Him: Do you live alone?
Me: No. I live with my aunts
Him: Then where are we gonna fuck? Sneak me in!
Me: No! We are not gonna fuck and I’ve not sneaked anyone in since high school.

ithinkyoureanasshole

Yup, I never bring boys home unless they have been a real boyfriend for at least 6 months.

But like seriously, no seducing, no charms and you go straight to the point that you want to F me? I’m not even remotely sexually attracted to him in real life!

Then we decided to take a photo and send it to Christy who was in Perth. I pointed out that he looked chubby in photos.

Me: You look chubby here. See.. no jawline!
Him: No I don’t! I’m at my ideal weight. You still think I’m cute right?
Me: Hmmmm..

After one too many “you still think I’m cute?” and me not brushing his ego, He started being insecure. After teasing him a couple more times on his weight, he started to get pissy. Baby, you kinda asked for it! He did tell me I had a face that people wanted to cum on after all. How could calling him chubby be worse than that?

Him: I’ll forget what you say when I wake up.
Me: Naww! You’ll think of it before bed. You’ll think of it when you wake up. You’ll think of it for the rest of the week. You know how they say people look fatter on TV than in person. Do you look fat on TV?
Him: Wow! You really know how to make a guy feel like shit about himself don’t you? You really are annoying!

.. and I get the blame

Then he turned to watch the TV and ignored me. I took out my phone to find texts from my friends asking to hit the club. Reception was bad so I walked out to make some calls and of course, to whine.

When I returned to the bar, I politely asked;

Me: Are you really gonna ignore me?
Him: No, its fine.
Me: Here’s 30 bucks. Should cover my share. I’m leaving.

On the way out I joined some friends at another table for a smoke. Told them what happened and was laughing about it when Joseph decided to leave. He totally avoided walking past me and ignored my existence.

Later that night, he texted Christy to bitch about me right before he texted me;

Him: You should watch your mouth, there’s a thin line between being cocky and funny and being a true blue bitch.
Me: Mmm there’s a reason for having a come F me face. I much rather F real men than to sit around with overly metrosexual boys who can’t take a joke. True blue bitch is a compliment, thank you!

rolling-eyes

And that wraps up date 1 of 5!

As much as I was amused by the whole dramatic event, I was pissed. I did not deserve to be called a true blue bitch for calling someone chubby! If I F-ed somebody’s boyfriend, then yes, I am a bitch. Or a slut. Or a whore. What ever rocks your boat.

When I got home at 5.30am after partying, Aiden and I started flirting over Whatsapp. Such an ego booster! Aiden too is a local celebrity; A well known local DJ and artist. I often hear his infomercials on the radio going “Hi I’m Aiden, most people know me as *insert DJ name* and…“.

Me: Do you think I’m a bitch? Slut maybe, but bitch?!
Aiden: Nope, never. I am. I am the definition.

But yeah, I made out with Aiden some weeks back but that’s another story altogether. I was about to write a post about him but I got a feeling the story has yet to come to an end (I’m not a fan of writing stories in Part 1, Part 2). Apparently he is quite an asshole himself.

As for Joseph, I really realllllyyyy expected more confidence from a celebrity. Seems like I actually shattered his ego! But hey, he should be glad I didn’t just get up and slap him across the face for being such a douchebag!

I guess it’s just that the guys I’ve been seeing/sleeping with has got egos that shoots through the roof and their confidence are impossible to bring down no matter what I say or do.

Take Seth for example; When I poked at his stomach stating he gained a little weight, he told me, “F you! I’m gonna pump it back up, I’ll show you how ripped I’ve become and then I won’t F you anymore!“, then he proceeds to F me! (Read about Seth HERE)

 

VERDICT: Even celebrities can be insecure little boys. No more overly metrosexual pretty boys for me!

F You, Cupid!: Part II

First, you must read THIS

 

5 MONTHS LATER

I was down with flu. Curled up in bed, I felt lonely and I wondered why. Did the happiness of my single hood fade off and finally come to an end?

Then I realized that I used to spend my spare time at home chatting with Hugo and Pablo. Now that they were no longer in the picture, I had a whole lot of time on my hands.

I texted Hugo that I was gonna be in Singapore next month to visit a friend. I totally made that up. He told me to give him the dates so he could take me around. I was ecstatic!

The next day I plotted ways to convince Christy to go with me. Eventually, I decided to tell her the retarded truth of how I fell for a complete stranger whom I have never met and wanted to meet him to get the fascination over with.

Me: I have pictured Hugo to be Mr Perfect, the one who would blow my mind away physically and emotionally. I want to meet him cause I’m sure in reality he isn’t all that.
Christy: Right.. and what if he is perfect?

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Owh. I have never thought of it that way. But she decided it would be fun to take a trip and party out of the country; “I think it’s ridiculous but since you want it that bad, I’ll go with you”.

Everything was planned out perfectly. Hugo began to text me on a daily basis and I was happy. With him, I felt like I could actually do relationships again.

But on the day we were supposed to book the flights, there were no available rooms at Hilton (I get good rates) and Christy got into a car accident that morning so all vacation money goes to the car. I felt like I was totally getting cock blocked by fate. Or perhaps somethings just were not meant to be.

But I refuse to accept that fact.

I couldn’t bring myself to tell Hugo I was no longer coming. I had to have one last awesome conversation with him before he decides to go silent again.

That weekend, he texted at around midnight asking if I was out partying. I obviously was so he replied, “Nothing, messaged you to play strip selfie“. He was drunk and what he really meant was he wanted me to send a mirror selfie with my usual spaghetti top with my undies.

No that’s not me LOL

I decided to follow up on that conversation.

Me: You know, strip selfie should be like strip poker. One piece of clothing comes off at a time *sends him a photo of me fully clothed*
Him: How do we decide who takes off next?
Me: We take turns.
Him: I like! I’m naked now though.. But..

He sent me a topless selfie of himself and told me to catch up (he put on pants first)

Our self made game of strip selfie got out of hand with the both of us stripping down to nothing while making sure we took shots that covered our bits. As much as it was fun and we were laughing, we were both very turned on.

Him: Tell me what do you want (referring to what his next photo should be)
Me: I want you in front of me right now
Him: Tell me about it

.. and he brought a whole new meaning to sexting. Never in my life have I imagined sexting to be so intense. Previously, we did dirty talk. But it probably goes as far as stuff like, “I wish you were here right now“.

This time I felt like I actually had sex with him, except, it was with my imagination. It was way intense.

After 1.5 hours of prolonged strip selfie, I broke the news to him.

Him: I wish there was a teleport option.
Me: Its called a plane in this era. Just takes a little bit longer.
Him: You know planes goes in both directions right?

He wanted me to go to Singapore. I refused. Everything is way too costly there.

We then started planning on a trip to a random beach. We talked about it for a whole week. We checked on flights, his leaves, the rooms, weather.. Then he went silent for 3 whole days.

Last night I texted him;

Me: You’re awfully quiet. I guess I don’t have to renew my passport?
Him: I’m unsure if a beach is a good idea because we haven’t met. I’d like us to hang out but a random beach trip seems a bit too random.
Me: I guessed as much. Well, I feel like I’m forcing you to meet when you had your reasons for not wanting to the last time.. Perhaps I’m just not worth it.

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And with that, I snapped back to reality while he fell off the face of earth once again.

There is an entire ocean filled with fishes, why should I chase after one who is so extremely fickle and uncertain about me? One who does not feel that I’m worthy of meeting. I was about to text him about how disappointed I am with the whole situation but I decided that I am better than to argue with a person I’ve never met. I just won’t stoop that low.

I deleted his photos, his messages and even his number. I’m deleting him from my life. I’m done with imagining the many different ways I might meet him, I even had sex with him in my imagination. I reckon that is very much sufficient.

delete-music-collection

 

I then announced to my buddies, Lucca and Jenna; “I’m done chasing after my imagination. Next week, I’m back to F-ing real life male models!

Yup, I’ve a super hot Persian model lined up!

 

VERDICT: I will not allow another guy second guess me again. I’m better than that. We are all better than that. If you’re unsure, the door is down the hallway, on your left. F-off and never come back, and yes, you’re welcome 🙂

Why Cheaters Cheat?

Some years back I wouldn’t even have lifted a brow if I found out that a guy who was trying to get in my pants had a girlfriend.

Today, I find myself all crazy, going, “I cannot believe it! He has a girlfriend!! OMG I feel sick in the stomach!

I sat Jenna down, whined about how I found out that Sean (Read about Sean HERE) used to sleep with a mutual friend of Phil and I, and has a girlfriend back in Germany. Then I proceeded to go on and on about how I stalked Lance’s instagram and found out he too has a girlfriend.

Lance is a young, gorgeous, successful club owner whom I met some weeks back. He would text me week after week, subtly flirting and outright asked for a threesome when drunk one night! No, I have not slept with him (yet) as much as I want to.

Jenna listened patiently with no expression whatsoever. When I finally finished, she asked, “So what’s the problem exactly?”

Cheating

OK, so clearly my brains has gotten a little wuzzy from being single.

It seems I cannot begin to understand why these hot, successful men who were like Gods in the sack would want to commit to a relationship when they are clearly F-ing every other women off the street?

Why don’t they just stay single and F around guilt-free?

Then I thought harder.

I once did it too and for me, there are several reasons why I cheated on all my boyfriends.

 

Snake and Forbidden Fruit

The Forbidden Fruit Syndrome
That feeling when you’d go all, “I really shouldn’t be doing this. But.. it feels so good! OMG This is so wrong, but it feel so right!“.

Somehow, I think this is one of the biggest reason why people cheat, or at least me. The adrenaline. The guilt. The passion.

 

 

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Because I can
You know your other half trusts you a 101% and you take it for granted. Either its because he/she lives in another country/town, is constantly travelling on a business trips or that you only see one another at specific times.

You know you would never get caught.

 

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I want them all
Lust. His gorgeous eyes, luscious lips.. Oh you just know you want a taste of it. And and.. getting pounded by that hot piece of meat? You know your juices are flowing just thinking of it.

Would you really say no? What if it was a once in a lifetime experience?

 

feminism-bored-girl

Boredom
More often than not, after being in a relationship for a long enough time, things become routine and the sparks that once flamed everything that held the relationship together dies down.

Need I say more? We seek that fiery passion elsewhere cause back home, it only exist within our memories.

 

 

No Strings Attached

Its a guaranteed no strings attached relationship
You could have a full blown fling, a fake relationship and yet you know that at the end of the day, nothing would blossom from it.

Why? Because you already have someone to go home to and nobody wants a real relationship with a known cheater!

 

 

Someone to go home to
After all the fun and behaving single when you’re clearly not, at the end of the day.. or week.. or month, there’s still that special someone whom you know will always be there for you through your ups and downs. That someone who you know you can count on for some TLC because we all know damn well that these asswipes we’re F-ing behind our significant other’s back would never give a flying F about you.

 

And to end the list, the reason for cheating from the men’s point of view;

Let’s say I love chocolate cake and I always have a piece at home. But every now and then, I’d go to the mall, look around and perhaps see a tiramisu. If it isn’t too much hassle, I wouldn’t mind having a piece of that. But if I’ve gotta wait too long or pay too much for the tiramisu, I might as well have that piece of cheese cake that’s going half price. At the end of the day, I still love chocolate cakes. – Reasoned by Kyle (my bestie’s fiance)

 

VERDICT: Being promiscuous in a relationship is bad, but it is a whole different level of fun! Not something I’d encourage though. Cheating is like Pringles; Once you pop, you can’t stop!