The Almost Fiance

As I sit in front of my PC on a Saturday night nursing my almost-recovered tonsillitis (which I inherited from partying one too many nights a week), I ponder on what my next entry should be.

I shall not rant about how much I’m crying inside for having to cancel on my booty call with Sean, whom I am determined to turn into my F-Bud and my date with Felipe (Read about Sean and Felipe HERE) cause I simply can’t talk or eat (I lost 6 kgs in 2 weeks from not being able to consume any solids!). I kept repeating to my friends that I rather just die than to be without my bare necessities; Food, alcohol and sex.

So anyways, I decided to post the obligatory Chad entry. If you have been reading this blog, you’d see his name scattered randomly in every other post. This post might also shed some light on why I ain’t fit for a relationship.

Name: CHAD
Origin: KL
Ethnicity: Eurasian-Chinese
Height: 5″11. Normal
First impression: Mr Nice Guy
Age: 2 years older

Back in 2008, I was working as a shooter girl in clubs to survive through college. It was just really diluted alcohol in test tubes that were rip offs. All I had to do was sell these blood sucking shots to drunk idiots.

Something like that..

Something like that..

I met Chad 3 days right after I broke up with Leo (Read a little about Leo HERE) through Derek, a regular at that club who was also pursuing me (but that’s an entirely different story altogether).

Initially, I thought of Chad as a rather dull, uninteresting and serious guy. As I got to know him better, he is really all that. He does not party much, can’t drink to save his life (like literally!) and took every thing about life a little too seriously. But Chad was also kinda charming in his own geeky ways and definitely very intellectual. He was also somewhat sweet.

When my then-bestfriend, Chris (Read about Chris HERE) found out that Chad was pursuing me, he told me to give it a try.

Chris: Think about it, all your ex-boyfriends are assholes. Chad is the total opposite of everyone of them. It might turn out well!
Me: Seriously? It does sound kinda awesome. I party, he stay home.

I started dating Chad soon after.

But unlike Leo who controlled everything about me, Chad did not give two hoots about anything I did at all. It really was the total opposite and I could not get used to it.

Soon I found myself constantly fighting for his attention. But Chad always wanted me-time. Like, a lot of me time.


He only wanted to see me over the weekends, and I partied on weekends. Eventually, I only got to see him for lunch and movies on Sundays and that was it.

I started straying, though at that age, straying only meant making out drunk. I began drunkenly crying and venting my frustrations to my friends every time I got drunk, which was every other night. He just did not care. It seems like he did not want to be part of my life.

6 months in, I decided that the insanity had to stop. It was either I make the relationship work or end my misery. I decided to give it my all. Because he was such a responsible man, I could see him as a husband. But that was the problem. Chad would make a perfect husband but a rather dull boyfriend.

I stopped partying a 100% just so I could spend the entire weekend with Chad. I avoided alcohol and clubs even on weekdays so I would not have the chance to stray. I became his perfect girlfriend.

Chad started opening up to me more. He was loving when he was around, but when he wasn’t, it was like, ‘out of sight, out of mind‘. I would not hear from him all week till the weekend. He was insensitive and he kept everything to himself. He was also full of confidence that I would not leave him no matter how much he neglects me.

1.5 years into the relationship, he wanted out all of a sudden upon returning from a business trip in Korea. He never admitted it till this day, but I’m sure something happened in Korea. He couldn’t even look me in the eye or muster a reason. All he could say was, “I can’t see a future with you“. I cried and reasoned with him and after a day or two, he decided to give it another shot.

man woman hands holding broken heart

But that was how and when it all went downhill.

I could not make myself trust that he would not leave me for no valid reason again. I lost all respect for him. Gradually, I began partying again. Slowly but surely, I started straying continuously (and it definitely wasn’t just making out this time round!).

As much as I loved all the mushy relationship stuff like rolling in the sheets over the weekend, watching TV series together over a home cooked meal, cleaning the house together, I lost faith in the relationship. I could see how much he tried to make up for what he did but things just weren’t the same anymore.

By the third year, it no longer bothered me that he did not want to go out with me or party, to make an effort to get to know my friends better, I pretty much avoided all his family functions, I was happy whenever he wasn’t around and the weekly meet up became a chore.

My friends laughed at how I’m supposedly in a relationship but my boyfriend was never to be seen out with me, be it a party, a get together with friends, work function or a wedding/birthday. Some friends even go, “You have a boyfriend?!! How come I never see you with him? I don’t even see him call you!” or “Are you sure you’re in a relationship? Are you sure you’re not in an open relationship?”

Initially it was embarrassing. Eventually, I’d just reply, “I’m in a relationship 3 days a week and I like it!

Then the roles reversed.

Him: Why don’t you text me when you get home after partying anymore? I don’t even know where you are all the time, I had to check Facebook to find out!
Me: I hardly see you or talk to you. It has came to a point where you are no longer at the back of my mind. I no longer miss you. Do you think I’d think of you when I get home drunk? I don’t think so..

4 years in, after I heard that Chad was planning on proposing, I told him that I could no longer do it. I didn’t want to torture the both of us and waste everybody’s time. He was sad, but he agreed. He knew that once I had my mind set on something, there was no turning back.

I’m sorry. I love you, but I’m no longer in love with you.

Some months later, I found out from his cousin and a few of his friends that Chad was planning on proposing to me the very next month if I had not end it. He had it planned for months.

Oh wells, I guess some things are just not meant to be.

Chad and I are still great friends. We hang out at least once a week, we still go to each other with our problems and occasionally we would party and hunt together. From the dull, uninteresting person he used to be, he has now evolved into a party animal, serial dater, is somewhat charming and very much promiscuous too!

When ever friends ask how we manage to continue being friends, we would always answer; We were best friends for 4 years when we were together. Just cause we can’t be together, it does not mean we can’t continue being best friends. We still love each other, just not that way.

Sometimes Chad would tell our friends that, “Tess is one person I could see myself still talking to when we are 70“, and our friends would go all, “Awww!“. That’s sweet but he should have thought of that when he decided to dump me out of the blue back then.

NOTE: There are a lot more good times than I gave credit for; we’d go on vacation every year, visit his hometown about 4 times in a year. He taught me to drive, helped out when my dad passed away. I confided in him way more than I did with anymore else ever (even after I started dating Luke). We practically grew up together in that 4 years.

VERDICT: Would I date another Eurasian man? No. They are way too full of themselves.


The Horrible Sex

I realize now how most of my posts consists of, “OMG he is so huge!” and “It’s so large I couldn’t take it anymore!

It is not always sunshine and rainbows. My story today is of two bad drunk decisions which I would much rather not remember. But oh wells, life has its ups and downs and so does my sex life.


No one has breakfast at Tiffany’s and no one has affairs to remember. Instead we have breakfast at 7 am and affairs we try to forget as quickly as possible – Sex and the City


Origin: KL
Ethnicity: Indian-Chinese
Height: 5″10. Normal
First impression: Party animal
Age: 2 years younger

Damien is part of the group of friends I party with regularly. He was a party animal who would never miss a good party.

One drunken night, I tripped and Damien held me up. I blame my brand new wedges, I just can’t balance on it even when I’m sober.

Anyways, somehow we started dancing and grinding and obviously, made out. I must give him the credits for being a good kisser. I always thought good kissers equaled good sex. Boy, was I wrong!

The whole bunch of our friends were laughing at us while we made out at the bar. Yes, even through my blurry drunk memories I remember how one after another, they came up to us and laughed at our faces or told us to get a room.

When we were about to leave, one of my close friend, Kenny asked;

Him: You sure about this? Seriously Tess, you can do better than this.
Me: Yeah he’s a good kisser!
Him: *sigh* Your call!

I was determined to try an Indian. I have never been with one and they have a reputation for a large package. Kyle has been persistently convincing me to try an Indian. He is a pure bred Indian who claims to have a snake living between his legs.

Back at Damien’s place, as soon as he got undressed, I got the shock of my life. Like seriously, it was one of the smallest sized package I’ve seen on a guy.. and I certainly had higher expectations of an Indian cross breed!


The sex was bad. At least I was so extremely wasted that it was still tolerable. I had to fake moan so he thinks he is doing it right to get it over and done with. I could hardly feel a thing!

We knocked out right after and when we woke up, he went at it again. Mid F-ing, he said, “Sorry I’m bad in bed“. Seriously? Like the actions weren’t speaking louder than words already, you have to point it out too?

I was too hungover to be bothered, it’s not like it was any work anyway since both sessions lasted a mere 3 minute or so.

Damien sent me home and we acted like nothing happened ever since. Our friends persistently asked about the night to no avail. I wasn’t going to announce how tiny or bad the sex was. He was our friend after all. I decided that if I did not tell, they would never know for a fact if I did or did not sleep with him.



Origin: KL
Ethnicity: Indian-Punjab-Chinese
Height: 5″11″. Normal, a little buffed
First impression: Talks too much
Age: 3 years younger

Damn I’m beginning to sound like a cougar! I met Sasha through Phil at a party one night.

I was drunk outta my skull when I was introduced to him. All I remembered was he talked way too much bout stuff I cannot even begin to recall. After much continuous yabbing, I got fidgety. “Just shut the F up and kiss me already!


We made out.. and we made out all night.

Him: I’ll drive you home.
Me: Why?
Him: Cause I still want to kiss you.
Me: That’s lame.
Him: I want to fuck you?

Fast forward, Sasha went down on me as soon as we got into bed. Brownie points for being hard working but no extra credit for the lack of experience or what ever else you would like to label a boring foreplay.

But all brownie points went down the drain when I felt his package. My mind was boggled, “Shits! Yet another small one?“. I was cursing myself for my streak of bad luck with men.

Thank God Sasha had whiskey dick that went limp after 1-2 minutes. He lay down next to me, apologized and said, “I’m sorry, it’ll be better when we wake up“.

I would have fell asleep if he had not reminded me but my drunk blurry brains immediately woke up and went into overdrive – Holy shits! When we wake up?!!

HELL NO!! I jumped up and got dressed.

Him: Where are you going? Let’s sleep!
Me: Nah, I want my bed. I’ll take a cab home.
Him: No. I’m a gentleman, I won’t let you do that. I’ll drive you home.


Sasha talked the entire journey back to my place. I thank God it was only a 10 minute ride. I was much more sober by then and it was really intolerable.

He texted me a couple of times throughout the week where I politely replied a word or two before ignoring him. But when he tried to booty call me for the second time saying, “Hey how about we meet one more time? No alcohol this time? I didn’t do you any justice the last time” (his exact words), I had to get rid of him.

I obviously could not bring myself to tell him that it wasn’t only the lack of performance but the lack of length AND width, so I decided to tell him that I had started dating someone and he stopped bothering me since.


I cannot believe my terrible luck. When I told some girlfriends about it, they ALL told me their experiences with the Indian package was way above average.

Kyle: I never thought there were so much issues with dick sizes until I met you. All my Indian friends are huge. All my Chinese friends are huge too!
Me: It isn’t just me. Yesterday Christy told me she couldn’t go through with it even though the guy was super sweet because it was literally the size of her pinkie finger. Nothing more! And the guy was a six footer!

pinky finger

Or maybe, it is because there is a hint of Chinese blood in them and that messed up their size. Either that or its my streak of bad luck.

Bad drunk decisions are a nightmare. I feel like crap for days after and usually lay low till I don’t remember the incident as clearly. Obviously my friends would not let me forget it when I brag about my awesome new scores or when I’m being too picky.

Kyle’s favorite excuse for me has always been, “It’s good to do some charity work every now and then. You cannot only have the washboard abs every single time. Give these guys a chance too!“.


VERDICT: I’m still a little terrified to bother with another Indian for now. Not to be racist or bias, but I am generally not too attracted to them anyway. There was once upon a time where I was but my taste in men evolves from time to time like the weather so I’m pretty certain it’ll come around again eventually.

The Sex God : Part I – First Squirt

Over the weekend, I was at a fairly new club in town with Christy and a bunch of other girlfriends. It was a place where people stood around holding glasses of champagne and just looked pretty. The girls were all dolled up while the men splurged on 20 bottles of champagne at a time. I didn’t belong there and I hated champagne.


After one too many glasses however, I started having a little more fun. As I wandered off to another table where some friends were, I bumped into a guy.

Ethnicity: Persian-Turkish
Height: 5″10. Buffed
First impression: Biceps. I only saw biceps
Age: No idea

We chatted and it turns out he deals alot with cars and properties. At about 3am, the night was about to end and we exchanged numbers.

Outside the club, I saw him in a brand new BMW M5. I was headed to my usual joint which closed at 5am (or was it 5.30am?) and he was too!


At my favourite club, which I often referred to as my weekend home, I found my friends at the bar. As I planted my ass on the seat, an old German guy persistently tried to chat me up. I texted Felipe to come ‘save me’ before running off to the other side of the bar to avoid him.

Just then, a dude snatched my cigarette of my hands. When I looked up, even my drunken brains registered him as gorgeous! To be honest, I really couldn’t remember much other than him being German and cornering me to the bar in an attempt to kiss me. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. Felipe would be there any minute.

Name: SEAN
Ethnicity: German
Height: 6″. A little buffed, more towards normal
First impression: Asshole. Gorgeous asshole.
Age: 1 year older

.. and Felipe appeared. I ran off to Felipe and the German was out of sight. We chatted for a bit at the sofas along with the rest of my friends.

Felipe had a bodyguard with him who knew Phil. When he finally left, Phil was like, “Congrats, you found a money bag.. I know his bodyguard!“, while the girls were like, “The German is reallyyy cute though! Why did you get rid of him?“.

Sacrifice, baby! Priorities; Bulging biceps tops a pretty face! It might also partly be that my drunk brains could spot a huge bicep from a mile away but my gorgeous radar is usually off balance. I chose the safer bet.

I thought I’d never see the German again till I left the club. Christy was being chatted up by a small Asian guy on the way out when the Sean went up to the guy.

Me: Heyyy.. what’s your name again?
Him: It’s Sean! You’re sucha player!

He dragged me out to the entrance, talked about God knows what and he forcefully grabbed my head and kissed me. DAMN I love em assholes! It was sucha turn on! Just imagine; if he could do that to me in public, what could he possibly have up his sleeves when we’re behind closed doors?


I passed him my phone where he keyed in his name as ‘Sean MY HERO!!‘ How creative!

My friends and I left for supper, or more like breakfast when I decided to check out their Whatsapp profile photos. I squeaked in delight at the sight of Felipe’s huge arms while Phil shook his head at me. But when I saw Sean’s photo, I literally screamed in excitement, “HOMAIGAWDDDD This is the dude from Tinder I was obsessed about!“.

Like seriously, we matched on Tinder, never spoke, met in real life where both of us had no idea we matched on Tinder? Wow now that is some serious coincidence!


The next day, they both texted me.

Felipe sent me pictures of his gorgeous body while Sean attempted a booty call that night itself. I told him Tuesday was a better option. It was still the time of the month.



As I braved myself to head to his place, I reasoned with myself; What is the difference if I had a beer or 2 with him first? It would be way awkward going to his place after and the end result was going to be the same so why bother wasting precious time?

When he came to get me at the lobby, my first thought was, “They were right!! He issss gorgeous!

He lived in a 3 bedroom unit in the city center that costs about RM15,000/month and had a screen on the wall with surround sound system! A true bachelor pad tastefully furnished with the fantastic view of the Twin Towers.

Long story short, we had some beers, searched for movies to watch.. made out.

Damn, Sean was an amazing kisser and foreplay was fantastic! He had magical hands.

I’m a very big guy, you sure you can handle me?

The best part? Other than him not failing the reputation of a German sausage, he could really turn me on.

As Sean stopped fingering me, I demanded for more. He dragged me over to the bar stool where he did his magic, right after he told me, “You know I’m gonna make you squirt right?“. I thought to myself, ‘Yeah right! Like that’s ever gonna happen!

.. and I squirted! It wasn’t a freaking squirt, it was gushing like someone burst a water balloon!! When it was done, I was so amazed, looked at him wide eyed, feeling like I just witnessed a magic trick;

Me: FASCINATING!! I might just get addicted to that!
Him: *laughs* That’s just the beginning. No one ever made you squirt?

As we got into the room, he asked;

Him: You want it slow or do you want it hard?
Me: Fuck me hard baby!
Him: I think we’ll start slow..

It wasn’t slow at all. Sean flipped and F-ed me in positions I had never imagined possible. I have never been to a yoga class but I’d imagine this is what it would feel like.

I collapsed when I thought he finished, entire body trembling. Lying down next to me, he asked, “Now that we’re done with foreplay can we have sex?”. Are you F-ing kidding me?!

It was impossible. I had no strength to move or even balance myself so I tried distracting him by making a conversation bout the squirting. It was the only thing that came to mind at that point of time.

You wanna squirt again?“.

OMG PLEASE NO!!“. Sean dragged me off the bed. I could hardly catch my breath. Unable to fight back and trembling involuntarily, he fingered me as he locked me in a standing position. I tried to figure out and focus on what he was doing to me down south but it was so intense my brains felt like it was about to explode!

Within seconds I squirted gushed even harder and more than the first time!! My thighs were wet, the floor had drips of my fluid! I am now wondering what would have happened if he did not stop, would my body run out of fluid to release? Would I just pass out? Was it possible to squirt over and over again like normal orgasms?

We continued in the hall with his fast and hard banging that was insane. It hurts from being too large and I felt like I was about to pass out!  I swear it was the first time I ever told a guy I needed a time out. I just couldn’t take it anymore.

Me: How was that even possible?
Him: I cannot believe no other guy ever did that to you! I’d say 8 out of 10 women could squirt, most of them didn’t even know they could!
Me: Hmm.. Really? I’ll check with my girlfriends.
Him: If they have never tried, send them to me. I’m Dr Squirt!

How would I rate it?

Looks: 8/10 – Lacking biceps but oh-so-gorgeous!
Sex: 12/10 – Fanfuckingtastic!

When I told Christy about it, she went all, “OMG I’m jealous!! 99% of the time I don’t even orgasm, let’s not even talk about squirting!

Yup, sad truth is that less than 1/4 of the men I’ve slept with actually managed to make me orgasm. I understand now why he put me on a bar stool and gave a squirt warning. He must have done it to a million other women! It is amazing that most men can’t even get me close and Sean could make me squirt on cue!

Sean is definitely F-Buddy material and I’m keeping him. Massive package, magic hands, gorgeous face and with the gym and protein shake he’s consuming, his body was a WIP. Sean really is a Sex God!

Fingers crossed he doesn’t think that I can’t keep up with him. Well, forgive me for the insecurities but I’ve always been the one who demands for more sex after and never begged for a time out. I have even been told that I wasn’t one who was easy to satisfy!

Not being able to take the curiosity that was consuming me, I asked Seth (Read about Seth HERE), “If a girl can’t keep up with you, would you still want to F her again?“. He laughed, “If she’s hot, I don’t see why not!“.

Christy asked why didn’t I hold back the sex and try turning him into a boyfriend. He acts and talks exactly like Seth. There was no way I could turn him into one. Even if I had managed to pull it off, there was no way I’d have to patience and/or ability to tame him .. and the amazing sex would die down.

To be continued HERE.

VERDICT: Who ever said Germans were not good in the sack has not met Sean! Though I’ve read plenty about squirting, I always thought it only existed in porn flicks and was a whole load of bull. That was until I met Sean!