I’ve had one too many Chinese men and when ever friends are going, “What is it with you and foreign men? Are the Chinese not good enough for you?”
My answer is usually, “I’ve had enough Chinese to last me a lifetime“.
Like seriously, among the more memorable (and embarrassing) ones through out the years are;
THE BEST FRIEND
Height: 6″. Toned
First impression: Player
Age: My age
He was my best friend since 14. The ultimate player with the looks to go with it. Girls would literally walk up to him and offer to buy him drinks.
We grew up together with him giving me advice on men. He was my go-to guy for the male’s perspective of things. For the love of his life, he could not understand why men took interest in me. He used to say, “I’d rather shoot myself in the head than to do Tess”.
For more than 10 years, we spent a whole lot of time together. Movies, parties, hanging out at his place. I always proudly told everyone, “Chris would bang everything with a hole. I’m the only one who ever got away”.
Two years back, possibly out of boredom or curiosity, one drunk night we ended up F-ing. Things became wayyy awkward after.
With him initiating sex all the time and never there for me when I needed him, I wrote him off as my best friend.
Him: Are you ignoring me? I tried calling too..
Me: Yeah, congratulations! You went into the list along with the pile of guys I’ve had sex with and don’t intend to talk to or fuck anymore. Enjoy your stay!
When he came to me after his recent breakup, I told him off, “You’re only my best friend when you act like one. It’s flattering but I don’t need yet another F-Buddy. You might want to get in line for that.”
Chris apologized but things were never the same again, especially when he is still expecting sex.
THE MALE VERSION OF A VILLAGE BICYCLE
Height: 5″9. Buffed
First impression: The player
Age: My age
Every girl in town who clubbed frequently knew him. Or at least heard of his name. Girls would either go, “Oh Gerald, which girl doesn’t know Gerald“.. or “Gerald? Ewww don’t talk to me about him again!”
He has probably F-ed every hot chic out there and is in the clubs every weekend looking for more. I personally know of 5 other girls who had slept with Gerald.
When Phil found out that Gerald was trying his luck me, he told me of how a close friend had slept with him. Apparently, he was very well endowed for a Chinese.
That sparked my interest.
Long story short, two years back I slept with him out of curiosity; Was he really as huge as they say and why was every girl sleeping with him? Would having slept with a 100 girls meant he would have the experience to match?
In bed, it was outright boring. Almost like having sex with a virgin. I reckon he enjoyed the chase more than the sex itself.
Package wise, he was indeed pretty large for a Chinese but not the largest I’ve seen on one.
I never bothered with Gerald again though to date he is still occasionally texting me.
THE TEENY WEENY WEINER
Height: 6″1. Ripped
First impression: Korean star
Age: My age
I met Jack through some friends and when my ex-boyfriend, Leo found out that I made out with him in the club once, he told me of a story. A true story of why Jack’s ex-girlfriend constantly cheated on him even though he seemed like the perfect boyfriend.
Apparently, she told the world of how tiny his D was. When they had sex, instead of thrusting with his D still in her, it would come out at every single thrust and it hurts big time from all the unnecessary poking. It was that tiny.
I was amazed. Jack was good looking, tall and ripped, washboard abs.. Could he really be that unfortunate?
When I bumped into Jack at the club next, I made sure he sent me home. We made out a whole lot in the car and I remembered about the story. Unzipped, stuffed my hand in.. WHOA! It is true!
I know it’s shallow for me to do so, but I had to feel it for myself. If an average package of a 5 incher was considered a German sausage, his would be much like the size of McDonalds’ fries. I could hold it whole with one hand and that would be like, less than 3 inches with a hard on!
He tried to take me home, but are you kidding me? I might have been curious but I did not need to feel first hand how it would hurt so unpleasantly.
THE ONE WHO PLAYS WITH FIRE
Height: 5″11. Buffed
First impression: Gorgeous and innocent. The shy boy
Age: My age
He had a girlfriend. I had a boyfriend. I used to have a major crush on him during my high school years but the timing was never right.
He was gorgeous and did not look like your average Chinese dude. He flirted and charmed me day in, day out. Even after he finally got in my pants, he took me out on dates, brought me surprise gifts, did sweet nothings that would make me go, ‘Awwww’.
But Cody also made it very clear that he would not leave his girlfriend.
I told him not to play with fire but he insisted, “We have the perfect relationship. It’s like we’re in one but minus the responsibilities”
He was awesome in bed. When I told him of how Sid (Read about Sid HERE) gave me 6 orgasms in an hour, he topped it to 8!
Of course, I got burnt real bad and he fled.
A couple of years later, we were both single. He became my F-Buddy where we would F in random places just for the thrill of it; the car, cheap budget hotels, 5 star hotels, in the office porno style.. up till the point where I met Seth (Read about Seth HERE).
I also stopped F-ing Cody cause he grew a belly.
THE UGLY ONE
Height: 5″9. Toned
First impression: The bad boy
Age: 3 years younger
I have no idea how I fell for the guy. He was outright ugly and disgusting. All my friends laughed at me for I could do so much better. ANY girl could do so much better.
Thank God I never slept with him but at 17, sex was a little more of a taboo.
I had a boyfriend while Jim was dating a friend of mine who also had a boyfriend. It wasn’t so much of a love triangle but a more of something like a Hexagon? *shrugs!
It was complicated and dumb. I wanted to break up with my boyfriend but he refused. When he found out about Jim, he gave the ultimatum; continue being in a relationship with him or Jim gets a good beating. Oh gosh, young love *rolls eyes*
I contemplated the options for a bit and decided I rather the dude suffered than to torture myself and face him any longer. I love me way more than I could possibly ‘love’ Jim.
I got into so much trouble in school, not to mention the embarrassment from being stuck in the principle’s office having to explain how a boy got beaten up because of me.
THE LITTLE BROTHER
Height: 5″10. Toned
First impression: The kid
Age: 3 years younger
I was at a bar that belonged to a girlfriend of mine when I met Timmy, her younger brother. He had the looks, charms and was very playful.
We were in the midst of a drinking game when I told him off;
Me: You sure you wanna challenge me, kid?
Him: Who are you calling a kid!
He started flirting very obviously. My girlfriend did not want any part of it and decided to leave, it was 1am after all and the bar was due to close.
After the shutters were down, we continued drinking inside. One thing led to another, we ended up making out in the cubicles behind. Apparently we were in it for such a long time that our friends started banging on the door demanding we came out!
DISCLAIMER: We did not have sex
The next day, I had to walk the walk of shame. I called my girlfriend apologizing for my terrible behavior. It was embarrassing and as much as I knew I should not have, I did it anyway.
Me: I’m sorryyy babe!! It’s your LITTLE brother!
Her: It’s OK babe. My brother is an asshole anyway. Just do me a favor and not fall for him. I just gave him a good sounding that he is never to take a second look at my friends again.
Obviously, she never allowed me to forget the day.