The Millionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist

Some years back I was in the luxury car industry.

To summarize it, I spent a lot of time networking with clients. No, not what you think. All they wanted were pretty young things hanging out with them at the bar while all I wanted was their contacts, to get to know everybody. It was a win-win situation.

We are talking millionaires. Possibly billionaires who owned and were in the luxury car clubs. Mostly very rich old men. Some very fatherly, some were out right sleazy. The nice ones are still my friends till today and I’m grateful to have met them.

I was with a friend of mine at a bar when I bumped into a couple of them. Man, the word subtle does not exist in their dictionary. While talking about cars;

Guy: You’re my kinda specs.
Me: You think I’m a car?! What kinda specs do I have?
Guy: The kind I like.

Gosh, it seems like the less you’re willing to entertain them, the more they want your attention. I reckon with a snap of a finger, the panties of a girl drops which explains how my playing hard to get intrigues them to a point of calling me out for drinks multiple times a week. Just that, it’s really not hard to get my panties to drop, you just need a pretty face and some bulging biceps!

So anyways, back at the bar.

We were drinking (obviously!) and chatting when a young chap plopped on the bar stool at our table and started yabbing away. He immediately caught my attention.

Name: HANS
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 5″10. Skinny
First impression: Rich spoilt brat
Age: 3 years older

We introduced ourselves and I was immediately drawn to his charisma. Hans was cute, charming, very talkative and funny. I learnt that he lived near me, has a driver and he owned a Go-Kart.

go-kart-racing-sydney

Me: You OWN a Go-Kart? Why would anyone own a Go-Kart?!
Him: For fun. It’s like a sport. We race occasionally.
Me: You just have too much money and no where to spend it! *rolls eyes*

OK, I know my reaction was uncalled for but unlike many girls who hung out with them, they knew I was not impressed by their moolah or ability to spend, or at least the way they spent so unnecessarily. Most times I’d be going, “That is someone’s monthly salary you’re spending in a night!“.  I ordered beers instead of champagne like all other girls. They knew what I wanted was never their money.

You are one cheap date. Most girls expects champagne. All you need is 3 beers a night!”

 

ONE WEEK LATER

I was itching to meet Hans again. I called Jenna asking her to help me out, “I can’t handle the crowd and get his full attention. I can’t do it alone. Pleaseeee come with me!“. She agreed.

I texted Hans, “We are having drinks tonight. You wanna join?“. Immediately smacked myself in the head. What if he had forgotten me? What if he ignores my text?

I waited and waited and finally he replied, “Sure, you want to have dinner with me first?

OMG! Dinner? Like a date?

He picked me up. Much to my surprise, he did not have his driver with him and came down to open the car door for me. Impressive!

We braced the bad traffic and much to my disappointment, everyone else had arrived when we got there. No private dinner afterall.

Through the night I’d catch him looking at me from across the table not so discreetly, he proudly told us of how he bought a unit at a luxury condominium for under 2 million which was a million below market value. I also learned of his dad’s passing and how he inherited his family’s wealth. He is clearly a very intelligent and capable man with many businesses of his own. Jenna picked up on how he mentioned, “I don’t like girls who are easy to get, I like a challenge“.

Oh so I have gotta drag this on? Le sigh.

As the night was ending, everyone was highly intoxicated. For some reason that I can’t recall, the guys demanded I kissed Jenna where I loudly proclaimed, “I really much rather kiss Hans“.

Just to shut them up;

Me: *kisses Jenna on the lips quickly*
Hans: *immediately after* OK, my turn! *kisses me on the lips*

I was shocked. For at least a minute I was speechless and all I could do was look at Jenna who laughed hysterically. Oh wow I really did not think he was that interested!

In the car, Hans was going on and on like a happy little boy about his awesome purchase, “I really want to brag. Please let me show you the unit I just bought. The view is magnificent! I promise I won’t touch you and I promise to get you home safe“. All I could think of was, “Could I promise to keep my hands off him?

It's the same condo

It’s the same condo, not the exact unit though

When we got to the unit, magnificent was an understatement. I felt like I was in one of those Hollywood movies where the rich hot bachelor brought a girl home to have hot passionate sex on a grand piano with jazz music in the background in candle light.

Except in my case, the house was still empty with only a white couch in front of the glass window/walls with a postcard view of KL. Like really, instead of a wall, it was made out of glass. It was breathtaking.

Hans gave me a tour of the empty house, lightly touching my waist while leading me around. Ever so often, he would smile at me suggestively. By the time he plopped on the couch and patting on the space next to him signaling for me to enjoy the view with him, my brains were about to explode. I kept repeating in my head like a broken record, “Please control yourself, please control yourself. Challenge.. challenge!! If I F-ed him tonight, I’ll most likely never see his face again!“.

I smile, “Let’s go. It’s so empty, it scares me“.

 

ONE WEEK LATER

It was Gina’s birthday. It was also one of the luxury car club’s annual dinner. I wanted in. But I found out so last minute that there was no way I could score myself as a date.

I called Hans in the morning inviting him to dinner and Gina’s birthday that night.

Him: I’ll come for the party but I can’t make it for dinner. I’ve this annual dinner to go to.
Me: Really? Can I invite myself?
Him: Sorry, it’s by invitation and it’s too late to get another one now. How about we have lunch later instead?

We met up at a nearby mall for lunch.

Him: Why are you so nicely dressed today?
Me: Naw.. not really.
Him: You look good. Do you dress like this all the time?
Me: No, not really.. *instantly wanting to slap my head*
Him: So why today?
Me: I guess it depends on my mood *slaps head again*
Him: So how’s your mood today?
Me: *looks for a place to bury my head*
Him: *Smiles to himself*

Gahh!! Hans 1 -Tess 0

double facepalm

We had lunch and shopped for his annual dinner’s costume and Gina’s white themed party before we parted ways.

That night, Hans arrived in full white from head to toe looking like a knight. We were both happily intoxicated by the time he arrived and truth be told I don’t remember much of the conversations other than the fact that I was dancing with this hot guy and he dragged me away.

We started dirty dancing at the bar and he was like, “Not here.. lets go to the dance floor”.. and the dance floor we went!

The way we grinded, we would already be having sex if we were not fully clothed. He has got the moves and he could really seduce. I could feel his breath on my skin but his lips never touched me.

Him: You enjoy playing with fire huh?
Me: *Shrugs*
Him: If I had no self control..
Me: Naw. I definitely have self control.
Him: Oh is that a challenge? That was only 75%. If I gave you a 100%, we’ll be naked on my bed now.
Me: Oh, realllyyyyyy..

No where as decent

We parted ways when the night ended. As much as I wanted to follow him home, I needed self control. If the guy wants a challenge, he got a challenge.

In the next 2 weeks, we went Go-Karting, lunch, dinners. I was crying inside that I did not allow myself to sleep with him just yet but the game was fun nevertheless. He was fun to be with. Very much different from all the other men I have dated. If I wanted a glass of whiskey, he’d order a RM600 bottle of whiskey. Can’t decide on a meal? Choose 1 item per page on the menu. Don’t worry, I’m totally against food wastage so I always made sure he finished his share.

Me: Please stop picking me up in your sports car. I’m starting to feel like a gold digger!
Him: You are not a gold digger. I can smell one from a mile away. I can see you just want to have fun!

One night, we met up for a late dinner after my meeting and headed to a club for his friend’s birthday.

When we arrived, Hans immediately started talking to a girl. Super tall, crazily hot. I was fuming. How dare he bring me here just so I could watch him chat up another girl while watching my reaction? Little did I know that the chic was actually one of the guy’s mistress (I’ve met his wife).

Then it started again. He started provoking me to dance. I ignored him but after a couple of whiskey, we started grinding all over again. When I was already breathing hard from all the grinding and dancing (and mostly being turned on), he began massaging my neck and shoulders, all the way down to my lower back to the rhythm of my breath. I swear my ovaries could have exploded! Where do men learn such techniques!

Him: Why are you seducing me?
Me: Why are YOU seducing me?
Him: Because I can!
Me: Just returning the favor!
Him: What am I gonna do with you?!! I might just take you home!
Me: You wouldn’t!

At one point while we were dancing, he bent down and tried to kiss me. I pushed him away. “Ha! That was a failed attempt!” and I laughed hard, so did his friends. We continued to drink and dance.

He tried again. When he requested for a kiss on the cheek, I gave him a lightning speed peck. He asked for a slower one. As I was approaching, he turned n I backed off immediately and laughed at him till my stomach hurt. “Attempt no.2 failed. How much more do you wanna fail tonight?“.

We continued dancing with his face glued to mine, forehead to forehead. I had to turn away, but he told me, “I’m not going to kiss you. Just look at me‘. It was so intense and extremely hard to resist, but I knew I had to control myself. My hormones were raging and he was driving it up the roof.

Past midnight, it became clear that we were both frustrated from all the seducing and wanted some real action. Hans dragged me out of the club.

We entered the car at the valet, drove off a little before he stopped and pulled his hand brakes. He demanded for a kiss on the cheek. I told him I wanted one first and we exchanged a peck, half expecting it was going to be a trap again. But it wasn’t. Feeling a little disappointed, I wondered out loud, “I’m surprised it wasn’t a trap“.

Hans pulled the brakes again and looked at me, pulled me slightly closer to him while I kept blabbing on and on about self control.

Just shut up and kiss me!“.

Hans grabbed my head and we were in it for THE kiss. It was awesome. I felt like I have waited forever for that moment. It was forceful and I loved the dominance! As soon as the kiss ended, he smirked, “Third time’s the charm! Good things comes to those who wait“.

I had a feeling he attempted the first two failed kisses on purpose just so he could use that line. Half of me wanted to go to his place so badly. Half of me expected him to drive me back to my car.

We headed to his place with the crazy view where he pushed me on the couch and the rest of the night was history.

When we were about done;

Me: I don’t know about you, but I can never fully enjoy sex with alcohol.
Him: Me too. We should try this when we are sober!
Me: No way dude!
Him: *makes a reference to the movie No Strings Attached*

.. and a F-Buddy was born!

Over the months, it was a lot of fun. We shagged randomly at his 3 properties, went out on dinner and lunch dates, partied together till it became clear we got bored of each other.

After about 4 months, we drifted apart naturally.

The last we spoke, Hans is now married with a new born baby girl. Lucky girls! He did try to booty call me some months back while wifey was pregnant but hell no! I may be promiscuous but I do not do married men.

 

VERDICT: I finally understood the appeal of rich men ever since Hans. But the moolah still don’t appeal to me. Waiter, a set of gorgeous biceps to take away please? Oh with a side dish of abs too?

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The First O.N.S

5 MONTHS AGO

At about 1am on a Thursday night, I was home chatting with Hugo (Read about Hugo HERE) when Phil called, all heart broken pleading to head to our usual club.

I was getting ready for bed and truth be told, I very much rather stay in and continue chatting. But of course at that hour, he was about to call it a night and I soon caved in after some convincing.

Me: OK fine. I’ll go have a beer and check out the eye candies.
Him: Don’t you want to hunt?
Me: It’s the time of the month babe. First day.

As we entered, we stood by the bar checking out the dance floor when a guy walked by. Phil immediately nudged me to look, “Your type“.

He was tall and buffed, very pretty features I must say. Tailing right behind him was a shorter Asian guy who was just as buffed up.

Must be gay“, I told Phil.

It was really crowded for a Thursday but as time passed, I decided there were no hotties for the night and retreated to the bar where I held on to my beer watching Phil dance. The only hot ones around were most likely gay after all.

They passed by twice before he made a bee line to the bar and stood right beside me while waiting for his drink.

Him: Is he your boyfriend? *points at Phil*
Me: No, definitely not. Is he your boyfriend? *points at the Asian dude who was standing nearby*
Him: No way!

Name: ASTON
Origin: Thailand
Based: Australia
Ethnicity: Thai-English
Height: 6″2. Buffed
First impression: Superstar! He looked like a MTV V-Jay or something
Age: My age

Turns out he had been on vacation in KL for the past 8 days, stayed in the 5 star hotel right opposite the club and was headed back to Australia the next morning. Definitely could not have guessed he was half Thai.

We talked some, got closer and the next thing I knew, we were making out. From the moment he mentioned that he was living right opposite I knew what he wanted but I shoo-ed him off anyway.

couple-kissing

Me: Go find other girls.
Him: Really? You want me to go?
Me: Yeah, go ahead. Really. Come back if you don’t find anything.

He left and Phil was shocked.

Phil: Why did you ask him to go away? Weren’t you like drooling at the sight of him earlier?
Me: Red sea, remember? What’s the point?
Phil: Owhh..

After one too many beers and submarines (tequila shots submerged in beers) for a Thursday night, Aston came back to me and we immediately kissed. I was pretty much flying by then.

Him: Come with me. I live opposite.
Me: I’m not coming with you. Really.
Him: Why?
Me: Because, it is the time of the month!
Him: I don’t care, it’s not my bed. Do you care?
Me: Owhh..

He got the hint. A few minutes later, he pulled me away from my friends right after I told Phil I was headed to the dance floor.

We made out a little at the corner before he took me by the hand out of the club. I was thinking to myself, “Now, this is new. I have never left mid-party for sex and definitely not during the time of the month. Definitely not right opposite the club too!”

2

Walking towards the hotel, I wondered out loud;

Me: Why am I following you? This is way weird!
Him: Because I look like this *points at his body and smirks*
Me: Hmm.. Good enough for me!

By now, you should already realize that I have a thing for cocky assholes who ooze confidence.

Placed a towel, and got straight to it. It was good though most of my thoughts revolved around, “Am I leaking? How long is this gonna take? How long have I been out? Would Phil be looking for me by now? What if Phil left without me? This better end soon..”. Not the sexist of thoughts during sex for sure!

He started chatting right after sex with the questions still running wild in my head. I had no idea how long I’ve been out of the club and as much as I’d love to stay, I really wanted to get back to my friends (and beers!). Instead of exchanging numbers, we exchanged Facebook.

He walked me down with me literally running back to the club. Phil was standing in the middle of the club staring into the crowd when I got back.

jj-giovanna-battaglia

Phil: Where were you? I looked everywhere!
Me: At the dance floor! I was looking all over for you too!
Phil: Never mind, come drink!

We partied till the club closed at 5am with me glowing in happiness. I have never had a real one night stand. You know, the kind every body talks of where you meet, have sex and never see or hear from them again?

When I got home, I texted Hugo, “I wish you were here“. Yes, I did. If only it was Hugo instead of Aston.

 

VERDICT: I’d say my first experience of a ONS was close to perfection except for the fact that I ain’t too comfy bleeding right in front of a complete stranger and having a million questions running through my head. Well, it could have been worse. Least I nabbed the hottest dude in the club by far!

Single vs Taken

Kyle: You need to settle down. Look for a husband, not a play thing. These are all temporary excitement!
Me: Why do I need a boyfriend? I’m happy the way I am.
Kyle: Don’t you want someone to go home to? Someone to talk to?
Me: When I need someone to talk to, I have you guys. When I get bored, I party. When I need sex, that’s what play things are for!

It is temporary excitement, yes.

But in all honesty, I haven’t been this happy (or at least neutral) since I turned single.

What’s-Your-Number-Poster

RELATIONSHIPS

Him: What is the common failure in all your relationships?
Me: I don’t know. All the guys are different. Different problems, difference situations.
Him: You. You are the common ground in all the relationships. Have you ever considered that?

It is true. As much as I somewhat enjoy being in relationships, it brings out the worst in me. I love and give till it hurts.. and when it hurts, I stray because that is my only outlet of frustration.

 

CON: ARGUMENTS

It feels suffocating that I have to check in with my partner when I’m out with my buddies. I feel guilty when I arrive home at 6am after a long night of partying. Heck, even dancing with another man makes me guilty. But know what the crappiest part of it is? It gives me the excitement. It’s the forbidden fruit syndrome.

couple-fighting

Each time I watch a chic flick and tear up on my own, I think to myself, “I think it’s time I get a boyfriend“. Next thing I know, I’m getting the VIP front seat watching Jenna have a full blown argument with her fiance and grinning to myself, “Ahhh being single is F-ing amazeballs!

 

PRO: LOVEY DOVEY MOMENTS

Surely being in a relationship has its perks. Having someone to go home to. Spending the weekend rolling around in the sheets together. Preparing lunch/dinner and indulging it over an episode of Gossip Girl. Saying, “I love you” and hearing it back.

Young couple in their kitchen

I miss the cuddles and knowing who exactly I’m going to have sex with, instead of being afraid of what my next bad drunken decision might lead me to.

What I definitely do not miss at all is the endless questions of my whereabouts and arguments on why I took that extra tequila shot over the weekend. Nope, definitely don’t miss that at all!

I’ve been in a few long term relationships, two that lasted 4 years each and came to a conclusion that maybe I’m just not fit for a relationship, just as how I ain’t fit for a desk job.

 

 

SINGLE

I’ve always avoided being single. I looked at being single as being pathetic. But now that I am single, I’m rather enjoying it to a point where I’m afraid I’d never be in a relationship again.

NOTE: This is the first time I’ve been single this long since I was 15.

 

CONS: HUNTING DOWN MR-RIGHT (OR MR-RIGHT-NOW)

Finding the perfect F-Buddy is just as hard as finding a potential mate. We singles go through numerous one night stands to find THE F-Buddy, just as how we go on countless dates in hopes of meeting THE One.

I know some girls who are like, “F-Buddies are everywhere. All they need to do is F!” But.. butttt.. I need to be attracted to the dude and enjoy the shag, no? At least for me, physical attraction and sexual chemistry is a MUST! I’m picky like that.

My taste in men have evolved to a point of high rarity. I no longer see them often in clubs (I should try the gym next!).

guys-flirting-bar-main

Going on dates are tiresome. To impress and be impressed. I personally see first dates as job interviews and I really do not enjoy being judged for my sexuality and/or intelligence. Clearly there isn’t much of the latter. I am shallow and I don’t give a flying F if anyone else thinks so. But who is he to judge when what most men want initially is to get into your pants anyway?

One night stands are just as gruesome. Bravo if you found him while you were sober and have that amazing mood and after sex glow post coitus. You know, the one where you’re singing and skipping around happily? Double bonus if he was awesome in the sack and could be turned in to a F-Bud. But the walk of shame the next day if your bad drunk decisions switch were turned on is just no where nearly as pleasant.

 

CONS: WANTING THE UNATTAINABLE

Isn’t it weird how we women always want the unattainable? Married men and the bad boys are way desirable than the nice guys. Nice guys finish last, remember?

Truth be told, I still want to shag my ex F-Bud, Seth (Read about Seth HERE) who is now somewhat in a relationship though is continuously cheating on her. Another great example would be my girlfriend, Christy who is obsessed with her ex-boyfriend whom she dumped.

download

Her: I’m so tired of F-ing around. It’s just F-ing! I want to feel something!
Me: You can get any guy you want babe! You need to teach me. Think I lost my mojo.
Her: Yeah, sure, lessons for another day. Who am I kidding? I can’t even get the one guy I want! Maybe you should teach me.
Me: Hahahaha how are we different when I am still wanting my ex F-Buddy!

Women! *rolls eyes* We are so indecisive, aren’t we?

I met Christy during a party some 6 months back when we both first turned single. You know that amazing moment when you meet someone new, get along instantly and go all, “I really don’t do this often but what is your number? We so need to party together!

OK, I’m starting to sound like a lesbian, but I definitely love men.

Christy is gorgeous, fun, flirty, smart and if I were a guy, I’d try to get into her pants. A party animal and a lawyer who loves to hunt as much as I do.. What more can I ask for in a friend? Oh there is more, our taste in men do not collide so we know for a fact that we would not be fighting over the same guy. Men are as disposable to her as they are to me. Boy A doesn’t work out? It’s OK baby, plenty of fishes in the sea club. We almost F-ed the same guy? No biggie, there’s just not enough men in KL to go around.

So when Christy gets all messed up over an ex after a cocktail of drinks, it made we wonder. What do we women really want? Do we just want a man just because he has now became unreachable, do we want the bad boys because they are so unpredictable and it’s hard to make them care? Cause when the bad boys turn soft, that’s when we flee, so does that answer my own questions?

 

PROS: PARTY LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW

But anyways, being single also entitles you to unlimited Girls Night Out. You know, those nights where you have to promise boyfie that you’d behave? Good news is that when you’re single, you get to not behave and every night is a Girls Night Out.

No one is going to judge because you are in your own right, single. Maybe there are, but those who matter don’t judge and those who judge don’t matter!

never judge

Flirt, it’s fun! Do what ever makes you laugh.

Over the weekend, Christy and I were in the club. We were openly checking out a dude with huge biceps when a guy behind us chatted us up. We looked at him and went, “Do we know you?… Ooohh there’s biceps here too!” and started feeling up his arms, chest and abs before we ran off to the dance floor without so much as a good bye or getting his name. I cannot imagine what must have went through his mind. Possibly, “All these work out is really paying off!” or “Man this chicks are weird!“.

Girls should thank the Lord we weren’t made with a ding dong!

 

 

PROS: ME-TIME

Be selfish. Too tired to party or go to that dreaded wedding of someone you hardly know and have to be there just because you’re his partner? No sweat, just stay home because now no one is going to make you do something you do not want to.

Flip through that girlie magazine with a face full of that unflattering mud mask, repaint your nails every 3 days just because it’s therapeutic. Read a novel about high school werewolves for all I care! No one will judge.

Easy-And-Best-Tips-To-Apply-Nail-Paint

Go to sleep at 7pm or sleep out your hangovers throughout the weekend because no one is going to try to drag you out of bed. When you do not want to be bothered and decide to silent your phone, you won’t end up arguing with your friends just because they can’t reach you!

Bottom line, you don’t have to take care of anyone else’s feelings but your own.

Learn to be alone. I read somewhere some time back, “Learn to love yourself first, then find someone to share the happiness“.

 

VERDICT: There are pros and cons in being single and being in a relationship. What matters most is how you make the most out of every moment. Remember, you only live once!

The One Too Many

I’ve had one too many Chinese men and when ever friends are going, “What is it with you and foreign men? Are the Chinese not good enough for you?

My answer is usually, “I’ve had enough Chinese to last me a lifetime“.

Like seriously, among the more memorable (and embarrassing) ones through out the years are;

 

THE BEST FRIEND

Name: CHRIS
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 6″. Toned
First impression: Player
Age: My age

He was my best friend since 14. The ultimate player with the looks to go with it. Girls would literally walk up to him and offer to buy him drinks.

We grew up together with him giving me advice on men. He was my go-to guy for the male’s perspective of things. For the love of his life, he could not understand why men took interest in me. He used to say, “I’d rather shoot myself in the head than to do Tess”.

46749_original

For more than 10 years, we spent a whole lot of time together. Movies, parties, hanging out at his place. I always proudly told everyone, “Chris would bang everything with a hole. I’m the only one who ever got away”.

2 years back, possibly out of boredom or curiosity, one drunk night we ended up having sex. Things became wayyy awkward after.

With him initiating sex all the time and never there for me when I needed him, I wrote him off as my best friend.

Him: Are you ignoring me? I tried calling too..
Me: Yeah, congratulations! You went into the list along with the pile of guys I’ve had sex with and don’t intend to talk to or fuck anymore. Enjoy your stay!

When he came to me after his recent break up, I told him off, “You’re only my best friend when you act like one. It’s flattering but I don’t need yet another F-Buddy. You might want to get in line for that.”

Chris apologized but things were never the same again, especially when he is still expecting sex.

 

 

THE MALE VERSION OF A VILLAGE BICYCLE

Name: GERALD
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 5″9. Buffed
First impression: The player
Age: My age

Every girl in town who clubbed frequently knew him. Or at least heard of his name. Girls would either go, “Oh Gerald, which girl doesn’t know Gerald“.. or “Gerald? Ewww don’t talk to me about him again!”

Hybrid-bicycle-1

He has probably F-ed every hot chic out there and is in the clubs every weekend looking for more. I personally know of 3 other girls who has slept with Gerald.

When Phil found out that Gerald was trying his luck me, he told me of how a close friend had slept with him. Apparently he was very well endowed for a Chinese.

That sparked my interest.

Long story short, 2 years back I slept with him out of curiosity; Was he really as huge as they say and why was every girl sleeping with him? Would having slept with a 100 girls meant he would have the experience to match?

In bed, it was outright boring. Almost like having sex with a virgin. I reckon he enjoyed the chase more than the sex itself.

Package wise, he was indeed pretty large for a Chinese but not the largest I’ve seen on one.

I never bothered with Gerald again though to date he is still occasionally texting me.

 

 

THE TEENY WEENY WEINER

Name: JACK
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 6″1. Ripped
First impression: Korean artist
Age: My age

I met Jack through some friends and when my ex-boyfriend, Leo found out that I made out with him in the club once, he told me of a story. A true story of why Jack’s ex-girlfriend constantly cheated on him even though he seemed like the perfect boyfriend.

Apparently, she told the world of how tiny his member was. When they had sex, instead of thrusting with his ding-dong still in her, it would come out at every single thrust and it hurts big time from all the unnecessary poking. It was that tiny.

I was amazed. Jack was good looking, tall and ripped, with gorgeous abs.. Could he really be that unfortunate?

French-Fries

When I bumped into Jack at the club next, I made sure he sent me home. We made out a whole lot in the car and I remembered about the story. Unzipped, stuffed my hand in.. WHOA! It is true!

I know it’s shallow for me to do so, but I had to feel it for myself. If an average package of a 5 incher was considered a German sausage, his would be much like the size of McDonalds’ fries. I could hold it whole with one hand and that would be like, less than 3 inches with a hard on!

He tried to take me home, but are you kidding me? I might have been curious but I did not need to feel first hand how it would hurt so unpleasantly.

 

 

THE ONE WHO PLAYS WITH FIRE

Name: CODY
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 5″11. Buffed
First impression: Gorgeous and innocent. The shy boy
Age: My age

He had a girlfriend. I had a boyfriend. I used to have a major crush on him during my high school years but timing was never right.

He was gorgeous and did not look like your average Chinese dude. He flirted and charmed me day in, day out. Even after he finally got in my pants, he took me out on dates, brought me surprise gifts, did sweet nothings that would make me go, ‘Awwww’.

But Cody also made it very clear that he would not leave his girlfriend.

Romantic-date

I told him not to play with fire but he insisted, “We have the perfect relationship. It’s like we’re in one but minus the responsibilities

He was awesome in bed. When I told him of how Sid (Read about Sid HERE) gave me 6 orgasms in an hour, he topped it to 8!

Of course I got burnt real bad and he fled.

Couple of years later, he turned into my F-Buddy where we would shag in random places just for the thrill of it; the car, cheap budget hotels, 5 star hotels, in the office porno style.. up till the point where I met Seth (Read about Seth HERE).

I also stopped F-ing Cody cause he grew a belly.

 

 

THE UGLY ONE

Name: JIM
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 5″9. Toned
First impression: The bad boy
Age: 3 years younger

I have no idea how I fell for the guy. He was outright ugly and disgusting. All my friends laughed at me for I could do so much better. ANY girl could do so much better.

Thank God I never slept with him but at 17, sex was a little more of a taboo.

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I had a boyfriend while Jim was dating a friend of mine who also had a boyfriend. It wasn’t so much of a love triangle but a more of something like a Hexagon? *shrugs!

It was complicated and dumb. I wanted to break up with my boyfriend but he refused. When he found out about Jim, he gave the ultimatum; continue being in a relationship with him or Jim gets a good beating. Oh gosh, young love *rolls eyes*

I contemplated the options for a bit and decided I rather the dude suffered than to torture myself and face him any longer. I love me way more than I could possibly ‘love’ Jim.

I got into so much trouble in school, not to mention the embarrassment from being stuck in the principle’s office having to explain how a boy got beaten up because of me.

 

 

THE LITTLE BROTHER

Name: TIMMY
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 5″10. Toned
First impression: The kid
Age: 3 years younger

I was at a bar that belonged to a girlfriend of mine when I met Timmy, her younger brother. He had the looks, charms and was very playful.

We were in the midst of a drinking games when I told him off;

Me: You sure you wanna challenge me, kid?
Him: Who are you calling a kid!

He started flirting very obviously. My girlfriend did not want any part of it and decided to leave, it was 1am after all and the bar was due to close.

After the shutters were down, we continued drinking inside. One thing led to another, we ended up making out in the cubicles behind. Apparently we were in it for such a long time that our friends started banging on the door demanding we came out!

DISCLAIMER: We did not have sex

The next day, I had to walk the walk of shame. I called my girlfriend apologizing for my terrible behavior. It was embarrassing and as much as I knew I should not have, I did it anyway.

Me: I’m sorryyy babe!! It’s your LITTLE brother!
Her: It’s OK babe. My brother is an asshole anyway. Just do me a favor and not fall for him. I just gave him a good sounding that he is never to take a second look at my friends again.

Obviously, she never allowed me to forget the day.

The Spanish Salami

Name: PABLO
Origin: Spain
Ethnicity: Spanish
Height: 5″7. Toned
First impression: Short
Age: 6 years older

As I was getting bored of OKCupid, Lucca told me to give Skout a try.

It was an app filled with men of all age and ethnicity, displaying the ones closest to you first. The first thing men would say to you is, “Can you send me a picture of you?“. Like, seriously? The quality of men on Skout were below average.

I was about to delete the app when I saw Pablo’s profile. He had a very nice smile and looked really pleasant. We started chatting and did not stop till 4am!

We chatted over Whatsapp for the next whole month. Unlike Hugo (Read about Hugo HERE), all we ever spoke of was how drunk we were the night before, our smashing hangovers, my new nail polish obsession, my black hole of a stomach with an appetite for 3.. You get my drift. Though it was fun, we chatted about a whole lot of nothing.

Jolly young woman sending a text lying on a sofa

Pablo had invited me out for beers, coffee, lunch, dinner.. you name it. I declined every single invitation.

Bored one evening, I decided to booty call Seth (Read about Seth HERE)

Me: Burgers later?
Seth: Sorry, I can’t. I just finished my appointments and have gotta rush over to my friend’s place.
Me: Blehh.. I’m bored. Maybe I should go on an actual date. Spanish or German?
Seth: Go for the Spanish. They fuck like me, even better!

I’m not sure if it was the suggestion or the rejection, the hormones or the loneliness.. I had the sudden urge to meet Pablo.

Not wanting to meet a complete stranger alone, I begged Jenna and Kyle to come with me.

Pablo hangs out at this street of bars in KL packed filled with expats. I told him we’d meet there.

When we arrived, Pablo was no where to be seen. He was drinking at another bar down the street, refused to come over and asked us to head there.

Jenna and Kyle were pissed. I told Pablo to forget it. If he wasn’t gonna turn up, we’d be hitting the club after our beers. He made a huge fuss about how he was disappointed with me and that he’s not the kinda guy who would follow a girl around like a puppy. Whatever. I gave him a good sounding stating that I went there cause of him and had to deal with the shit my friends put me through having to go there so how dare he be disappointed with me.

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We went on with our night and after Jenna and Kyle left at about 3am, Pablo texted me saying he was gonna come meet me at the club. Clearly the guy was drunk.

When I finally met him, he was not as good looking as he was in pictures. Just a wee bit taller than me with my heels on, small sized, though fit. He was fun to be with, dancing, acting silly.

He was a true gentleman. Not once did he touch me even on the waist, and even on the dance floor which was rather a shocker to me.

I did my usual routine of trying to seduce him while dancing. Did not work. Went up to the podium with guys literally drooling at my feet. Still did not work. What was wrong with him?

Finally the night ended and Phil, my buddy and ride home for the night asked if I was leaving with him. Phil wanted some alone time with his date and I agreed. But what baffled me was how was I going to do it?

I leaned on the bar, puffed on my e-cigarette, while passing it to him till he got nearer and nearer. Very much like luring a puppy in with treats. Eventually the gap between my lips, the e-cigarette and his lips were so close, he moved in for a kiss.

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He was a fantastic kisser! And when he had a hard on, it felt so hard it wasn’t funny. After lots of making out, and getting shoo-ed out of the club, we finally got back to his place in a cab.

As soon as the pants got off, my eyes almost popped outta my skull. His package was large beyond believe! It was not even proportionate to his body frame at all.

It hurts and it hurts real good! His dirty talking and roughness in bed was to die for. Initially he was going slow and steady, the romantic kinda pace and asking, “You like that?”

No baby, I want you to fuck me hard and fuck me fast!”.

Immediately he slapped me lightly on the face, grabbed my hair back hard, kissed me roughly and banged even harder. I was immediately squealing in ecstasy!

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Woke up, went for another round and Lucca came to take me home.

Over the next couple of days, we were still texting. I made it clear that I did not want a relationship and he agreed.

 

ONE WEEK LATER

I was in the club and with no hotties in sight, I texted Pablo to come.

We were dancing and grinding and making out when all of a sudden he started giving me the cold shoulders. He left alone not long after.

He stopped texting and when I did, the replies were cold. After two days, I could not for the love of my life understand why.

Me: What’s your deal? Why are you so cold all of a sudden?
Him: I might be wrong to judge, but I get the feeling you’re really playful and you flirt too much.
Me: Yes, I am. Nothing you did not know about though, so why suddenly?
Him: When I came back from the bar, I saw you hitting on a big guy who walked straight past you.
Me: *thinks for a loooong time* Oooh you must me referring to Matt (Seth’s friend). I know him!
Him: Oh, I’m sorry. My mistake then.
Me: Well, first of all, you’re right. I am flirty. But I am not that dumb to be flirting in front of you.
Him: That’s not very reassuring.. Does that mean you’ll be flirting behind my back?
Me: There is no nice way to way this but yes. If I had a boyfriend, he’ll be getting my full loyalty. But until then, I am free to flirt with who ever I want.
Him: Sorry I’m being demanding without realizing it.

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We made plans to meet over the weekend. But by Friday, our conversation revolved around feelings yet again.

Him: I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t liked you. I’d also be lying if I told you I want a relationship right now.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Him: What I’m saying is I really like you and I’m not sure if my feelings will continue to grow. If it happens, what can I do?
*after lots of talking*
Me: *Sigh* I much prefer simple thoughts. Like.. eat, sleep, fuck, repeat. I don’t like complicated stuff like this.
Him: Sleep on it and we’ll see if you still want to meet up tomorrow.

When I woke up the next day, I was completely turned off by the conversation. I’ve only met Pablo twice and he’s talking about feelings? That in my dictionary was insanity. The last thing I needed was another guy demanding to know my whereabouts and the number of tequila shots I downed over the weekend.

He did not message me through out the day and since he told me to sleep on it, I decided to make my own plans for the night instead.

As I was picking Seth up for beers, Pablo texted me and started arguing over Whatsapp. Eventually all I had to say was, “I don’t owe you anything. Good bye, Pablo“.

Pablo was an extremely good shag and he was fun to be with. I still feel bad about it but I really can’t commit to a relationship, especially not with one who was so extremely demanding. I was not going to compromise my carefree single hood lifestyle no matter how good the sex was.

 

VERDICT: They say Spanish men are great lovers and it cannot possibly be more accurate. He did not fail the reputation of his people. If he did, I cannot imagine how awesome a typical Spanish would be.

The Male Dumb Blonde

I was going through an almost two month dry spell and was beginning to question if there was anything wrong with me after my two encounters with the Italians that did not end with a happy ending. I blame my fascination with Tinder. All chatting and no meeting turns you into Sahara!

It even came to a point where I made a bet with Lucca on who was gonna get laid first.

dry-spell

Seth, my previous F-Buddy texted me at 12.30am regarding work and I was dead beat bored (Read about Seth HERE).

As tired as I was, I wanted to hunt.. and if all else failed, I could attempt to seduce Seth. Yeah, beggars can’t be choosers. Then again, it’s not that much of begging with that level of hunky-ness and knowing for a fact that satisfaction is guaranteed!

The night before was a disaster. I found a hot Syrian guy, with a solid toned body on the dance floor. We made out a little.. no fireworks. Big boohoo! Went back to my friends.

Me: What are you doing? I’m bored! Let’s go for some beers.
Seth: Really? I’m so tired. Come pick me up.

We went to my usual hang out cum hunting joint, a local club where foreigners frequented with many rooms that played different music. The place was packed filled with hot young things. Seth was in heaven. But not a single hot guy was in sight. I began turning grumpier as the minutes ticked.

Seth: Look at that ass! I’m gonna bang that tonight! *smirks*
Me: If I continue hanging out with you, I’m gonna turn lesbian. I wish there were half the amount of hot men in here as there are hot chics!
Seth: With your taste, you need to go to the gym, not a club!

To summarize it, I was bored. Seth was keeping me entertained but I wanted some fresh meat. We went out to the lounge, found my friends.. and that’s when I saw him seated with a girl.

Me: OMG OMG! He’s so hot!!
Seth: Him? *waves at the guy*
Me: OMG you know him? He’s Persian too?
Seth: Yeah he is. We were sleeping with the same girl at one point of time and that’s how I met him. I don’t remember his name though.
Me: Owh.. He looks European. Is that his girlfriend?
Seth: Nawww.. He’s just like me.

The night was getting better after all!

Silhouette of people dancing at a disco. Image shot 2008. Exact date unknown.

We went back into the club and did not see him for a long time. The table we were at had more than 20 bottles of champagne but there was still nothing I fancied.

I gave up my hunt and started plotting ways to seduce Seth who was pretty much still right by my side the entire time. I was surprised he did not leave me to chat up the many hot young things around us.

Then the hot guy came around for a chat with Seth. I did a quick head-to-toe scan of the both of them. He had biceps way larger than Seth, a little shorter but definitely bigger in every other way.

He was about to leave when I smacked Seth hard on the ass.

Seth: Meet my friend, Tessa!
Guy: Oh hey! I’m Pier *shakes my hand*

Name: PIER
Origin: Tehran, Iran
Ethnicity: Persian
Height: 6″. Buffed
First impression: He is HUGE! Bad ass gorgeous with a large tattoo on his arm
Age: My age

As we started talking, I noticed Seth was immediately out of sight. I scanned the room and noticed him chatting up some girls. I thought to myself, “Aww how sweet, he stayed with me till I found some entertainment!”.

I found out that Pier had been in KL for the past four years doing his Masters and was a part time model. Seth hangs out with a bunch of really good looking Persians. I was at one point eyeing on a well known Persian model friend of his. I met the guy twice but only through his cousin (a close friend of Seth’s) who insisted that I introduced a girl or he would not let me get to him. I ain’t no pimp, baby!

After some small talks and dancing, we got closer. He didn’t dance much, or more like he did not have the moves. He was pretty much a straight forward guy with no humor. All in all, he was all looks, no charms.

Him: Let’s go somewhere else. I have tequila at my place.
Me: *laughs* No way. You don’t want to give me tequila.
Him: Now I want to even more!
Me: Hand me the tequila and I’ll jump on you, then puke in your face!
Him: Beers then!
Me: You need to give me a better reason.

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He kissed me.

He was a good kisser and for the rest of the night, we were pretty much flirting and making out.

When Pier went to the washroom, I went to Seth. He was getting pretty intoxicated and started smacking my ass while dancing.

Me: Hey stop that! Your friend will be back soon!
Seth: Where is he? Let’s go, I’m getting drunk.
Me: Washroom. If he doesn’t come back, we’ll go home. You taking anyone home?
Seth: I got 2 girls numbers but not tonight I guess.
Me: Your friend is so HOT! *squeezes his biceps* You know what I always say bout huge biceps!
Seth: Go for it!

When we finally decided to leave, we found Seth on the way back from the dance floor with a girl.

Me: Let’s go! Are you taking her home?
Seth: No. Another girl.. wait, I’ll go get her.
Me: Make it quick, I’m tired!
Seth: *returns from the crowd* She’ll be driving over, let’s go!

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With Pier at the back seat sitting in silence and Seth driving us back, I was laughing and singing and chatting with Seth about everything and anything the entire journey.

I realized how much I wished I was following Seth home instead of that male version of a dumb blonde. If only I had not bothered with Pier. I had a pang of jealousy that some chic was gonna get that fabulous drunk animalistic sex that night and it wasn’t gonna be me.

Seth dropped himself off;

Me: Good night darling, you have fun!
Seth: I definitely will baby! You too! *winks*
Me: Love ya, byebye!!

Yes, I love Seth, not in that romantic way.

Back at Pier’s place, I ran to the washroom as soon as I got in and when I came out,

Me: So where’s the beers?
Pier: What beers? Why do we need beers?

He carried me to the couch where we made out before heading into the room. When he took his top off, WOW! He was definitely a sight for sore eyes! He had an extremely huge package too!

Pretty much sums up his body (including the chicken legs!)

But when he fumbled with removing my bra and struggled to put on a condom for a good amount of time, I was rolling my eyes in my head thinking of how bad the sex was gonna be.  It hurt big time for at least a minute, and truth be told, I think I enjoyed the view of him more than the sex itself.

It was alright, nothing mind blowing. But seriously, all that looks and no experience to go with it?

One could say the guy might be bored and wanted to get the sex over and done with. That could explain the lack of performance. But no one could possibly fake (or think of faking) the inability to remove a bra or putting on a condom effectively. Some things comes naturally with practice.

I left after a cigarette, glad that the dry spell was finally over.

My sexuality has been reaffirmed and by an extremely hot stud. As much as he had a personality of a log, I might just turn him into a F-Buddy for his good looks and rainy days, a.k.a The Dry Spell.

VERDICT: I have long admired the looks of Persian men. Their beautiful features, gorgeous body and extremely well endowed package. As Seth always told me, “Once you go Persian, there’s no other version!“. I’m think I’m beginning to believe it!

The Flirt

Name: MARCEL
Origin: Italy
Ethnicity: Italian
Height: 5″9. Athletic
First impression: Gorgeous!
Age: 6 years older

I matched with Marcel on Tinder and after many weeks of chatting over Whatsapp, I finally decided to meet him on an actual date. I have not been on a date in forever unless one counted Isaac (Read about Isaac HERE) and Xander (Read about Xander HERE), but I’ve know those two for like half my life.

This was definitely different. I have never met the dude and it was nerve wrecking to meet a complete stranger who looked oh-so-gorgeous in photos.

When choosing a place to meet, I gave him two options to Google up; a classy and rather pricey restaurant with a bar and a bar cum club that served really cheap beers. He chose the pricey one.

Our date

The venue he chose

Right before we met up, he made it clear that he had just came out of a 3 year relationship, isn’t over her and is not looking for anything serious. That was entirely fine by me.

As I went to the mall where the bar was located, I was lurking on the 2nd floor to check out if he has arrived. A guy who looked somewhat like him walked by and I was thinking ‘F-ing NO!! That cannot be him? OH MY GOD!! My night is gonna be a disaster!’

I thank my lucky stars it wasn’t. I called Jenna and Kyle, going on and on;

Me: Why am I doing this to myself? I am never gonna go on another date with a stranger! This is nerve wrecking! I am totally freaking out!!
Them: Chill! It’s just dinner.. It’s only Marcel, imagine if it was Hugo (Read about Hugo HERE). You’d probably get a heart attack and die on the spot when you meet him.

That calmed me down a little. Eventually I started playing with the valet’s cat and stopped freaking out.

When I stood up and turned, Marcel was standing on the stairs with a big smile plastered on his gorgeous face.

Man was he gorgeous! Ok fine, not as gorgeous as I had hoped he would be, but definitely gorgeous and way better looking than the photos I received. Marcel has got the looks of a model. Sharp features, somewhat charming.. Very sexy indeed. He had a smile that would melt you to the ground.

Over dinner, I learned that he grew up in Australia, was based in KL 2 weeks in a month and his previous relationship broke due to his heavy travelling. Clearly Marcel was not over his ex-girlfriend. He spoke of how he loved Japanese cuisine and was lactose intolerant. That he was jetlagged from all the travelling; he woke up at 4.30am that day and had to be up at 4am the next morning for a conference call. I also found out that his ex-girlfriend would be visiting on the following week.

I was a nervous wreck the entire time. Although Marcel was the third guy I met off an app, meeting him sober without the presence of my friends was definitely not an easy task.

Marcel would flirt and wink at me while I giggled shyly like a retard. Like seriously, I’ve never been in a situation where I’d be lost for words. I blame his smiles.

Him: *points at my nails* They’re really nice. Are they real?
Me: Yeah of course.
Him: Your fingers are really long. I have huge hands, look! *holds his hands against mine* I have huge everything, even my feet are huge!
Me: You know what they say, men with huge feet has huge…
Him: Socks? *winks*
Me: *Smiles shyly and looks down at the table*

When I look back, all I feel like doing is walking up to the wall and repeatedly bang my head on it. What had gotten into me? Really, it has got to be the smiles!

While talking about Asian girls,

Me: I think that girl is hot.. *points*
Him: You sure you’re not a lesbian?
Me: Speaking of lesbians, there was this chic who kept grabbing my ass while I was talking to her in the club. Like, even men don’t do that!
Him: What would you have done if it was a man? Would you slap him?
Me: It never happened! I might avoid it I guess?

Marcel would flirt and subtly touch me the entire night. Between dinner and beers, we went out to the lounge where the view was spectacular. After four hours, we decided to call it a night.

While waiting for the valet, he came really close to me and lightly touched my ass;

No, he did not kiss me

No, he did not kiss me

Him: Are you gonna slap me now?
Me: Nope.
*after more flirtatious talks, puts his hand into my back pocket and squeezes my ass*
Him: What about now? *winks*

Thank God the car arrived just then, I no longer had a clue on how to respond to him. I insisted on sending him home. He had insisted on paying for the wholesome dinner and drinks after all.

“Do you get distracted easily when you drive?“, he asked. Oh yes baby, the last thing I needed was to crash my car due to my raging hormones.

Him: I had a great time tonight. You’re not going out tomorrow night?
Me: Definitely not. I’ve work the next day.
Him: Call me if you’re going out over the weekend.
*hugs and kisses me on the cheek*

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Oh after all the flirting I’m not getting laid? Maybe over the weekend then..

The next day I was headed out to this awesome Japanese restaurant in KL near where he lived and thought I might try my luck with inviting Marcel. He was tired and needed to sleep. I though to myself, ‘Oh well, there’s still tomorrow to party.’.

But I realized how his texts became colder and the next day when I asked if he would be partying with me, he could only muster up, “I don’t feel like partying tonight“.

So that was 2 attempts being turned down and I gave up. He never texted me since.

I couldn’t understand why Marcel would flirt all night for four hours and leave me high and dry. He definitely seemed interested. Could it be because he is not over his ex-girlfriend? Or was it because I giggled like a fool? Did he flirt because he enjoyed watching me look like a retard?

I still do not understand and as much as I was tempted to ask, I did not bother to.

Maybe he’s just not that into me.

 

VERDICT: I’d still meet but I am not sure if I’d go on another proper date with a guy from a hook-up/online dating app. To feel like a total wreck pre-date is just more than I could handle.