My first big-O

I lost my virginity a week before I turned 15, but it wasn’t until I was 20 when I experienced my first orgasm.

During my college years, I worked part time as a freelance promoter doing various jobs at various locations.

One faithful day, I accepted a job and was stationed at a well known gym distributing samples. While I stood around, he cruised by, making playful remarks at my samples and flirted with me.

Name: SID
Origin: KL, Malaysia
Ethnicity: Malay
Height: 5″9. Buffed
First impression: Oh-Em-Gee! He is SO HUGE!
Age: 5 years older

I have no other words for Sid other than HUGE. He was a personal trainer. He was also cute, flirty, playful and flamboyant. Think Johnny Bravo!


You can’t blame me. My dad was a huge fan of Arnold Schwarzenegger and I grew up watching all movies starring Arnold. I even had a poster of him on my wall even before I entered high school. It is in me, I love buffed men.

*You can now imagine sparkles in my eyes when I saw him*


But I didn’t get to see him anymore that day. It was another week till I was due to be there again for 1 last day.



The day finally came! All day I was looking out for him. I was dying to see him again. Hours passed but he was no where to be seen. I started panicking that I might never see him again.

Sid finally appeared later in the evening. I spotted him training upstairs and I rushed up to the washroom, making quite a scene. No one really runs around in there, everyone else were quietly working out. He spotted me immediately and started making small talks.

“I thought you were only coming back in another 2 days!”

Oh he remembers? Was he looking forward to see me too?

When he was done with training, he came around to my booth asking questions about my products and looking for reasons to continue talking to me. Some hours passed before I managed to gather the courage to get him to join me for a smoke outside. Dang, I didn’t even know if he did!

We headed out and up to a secluded corner.

Me: Where is this place?
Him: This is our place

I melted.

My mind was racing; He seemed interested in me.. Does he have a girlfriend? Do I really care? I have a boyfriend.. Would he care?

I have a boyfriend?

I was still dating Leo. As much as I hated his guts, I was somehow stuck in the 4 year relationship that took place in hell. Leo was possessive, jealous, demanding, sensitive and everything you do not want in a boyfriend. The relationship sucked the life out of me. He did not allow me to go out with my friends or talk to guys. He even hated that I was freelancing! You’d be able to read a little more about him HERE.

Back in the gym, Sid passed me his name card, took my number and was out of sight for most of the night. At times I’d catch him checking me out from afar while training his clients or talking to his colleagues.

The next day, I messaged him.

Hey big guy, you want that photo I took of you?

We were texting ever since. Over the weeks, I found excuses to go to the mall where the gym was located with Leia (Girlfriend of Leo’s buddy) a couple of times just to briefly meet him for coffee. As much as Leo wasn’t happy about it, I went on anyway.

One day, Sid invited me out for coffee when his appointment got cancelled. Leo was out with his friends and I agreed immediately. It had been years since I was out alone with a male companion and it was so refreshing. We talked for hours about anything and everything. I found out he has a girlfriend of 4 years and was bored of the relationship. Oh. That sounds alot like me!


When I got home, Leo had returned and we began arguing. I told him I’ve had enough, that even my dad did not control me the way he did and that I needed a break. After many hours of screaming and shouting, I demanded that he left me alone for a week.

The next 2 nights I was floating on cloud nine. Sid and I spent a total of 7 hours chatting over dinner and drinks on the first night.. and on the second night I ended up at his place after dinner with the lame excuse of, “Let’s have Vodka!

At his place, while watching a DVD, we started getting closer and eventually I was lying on his lap. When he movie ended, he covered my eyes with his hand and kissed me. We made out for a bit before he lifted me up and carried me into his room just the way couples in romantic movies do.


I felt a little conscious as he was undressing me but I thought to myself, “Please do not F this up and make a fool outta yourself! You finally nabbed a big buffed dude!

.. and when Sid finally undressed, I swear if I was a comic character, my eyes would have popped outta my skull! His body was gorgeous and I was squirming in ecstasy. He was extremely well endowed too! It was almost impossible to enter and it hurts big time. It felt as if he was taking my virginity! He had to stop mid way for he was scared I was gonna break or something.


2 nights later, I was at his place again. We had even hotter steamier sex! I was much more adjusted to his size and I felt orgasm for the very first time. And the second.. and the third. He was always eager to please.. and I gladly allowed him to.

My 1 week break from Leo was coming to an end. We spent our last night together feeling sad about it.

Him: I might not only like you. I think I’m starting to fall in love with you.
Me: I feel the same even though I know you’re lying.
Him: I am not. But you have him and I have her.

Days passed, and though I got back with Leo, I felt even more suffocated. I kept sneaking off to meet Sid.


We were very experimental in bed. We had hot sweaty candlelit sex. He demanded to know before I came and instead of screaming, “I’m cumminggggg“, like they do in porn flicks, I had to say, “I love you baby!!”. That was a sentence I repeatedly screamed many, many times throughout the nights. He was a sex God!

About a week later, I broke it off with Leo. He cried and begged to no avail. I refused to be sucked into that hell hole once again and miss out on yet another potential relationship like I did with Isaac (Read about Isaac HERE).

Newly and happily single, though not so available, I landed another job at the gym. The entire week, I would follow him back after work and be back at work each day with an ache on different parts of my body from having too much sex. I had my toothbrush, towel, clothes packed in his place. I was a very happy girl. Very much sexually satisfied too!


But the happiness and walking on cloud nine eventually came to an end. He started disappearing on weekends. His phone would be turned off from time to time for hours.

So who’s the girl?

Remember he told me about a girlfriend of 4 years? Let’s name her Elyza for easy reference. Apparently he hardly meets his her and when he does, it was only over the weekends which explains the disappearance. He told me he wanted to break up but her dad was in the hospital and he didn’t want to put her through anymore pain.

I found photos of another woman in his apartment. He told me it was his long term fling whom is married, though they do meet occasionally. Let’s call her Dana.

Bare with me, the story is gonna getting more interesting!

After much arguing and crying, I quietly packed my stuff one morning and was ready to say goodbye to all the fantastic orgasms.

I avoided his calls and messages but caved in one morning and answered. Sid was crying over the phone. He convinced me to meet him that night for some closure.


When we met, we spoke in the car of how I felt like a doormat whenever I couldn’t reach him and that I did not want to further ruin his relationship. He cried like a baby. I was in disbelief watching such a big man burst into tears. “Stay with me tonight. Just one last night“, he told me.

Obviously I gave in. I ended up at his place and did not leave for the next 2 days.

Over the weeks, Sid met my friends, my family. We went for a romantic weekend getaway at a nearby beach resort. It was like a dream come true. It felt perfect, other than the times when I was in so much tears. I don’t even want to start describing the amount of sadness and pain I went through when he did his disappearing acts. He should have been a magician.

One night, he called, “Dana. She’s at my place. She found photos of you and your stuff and has gone mad! She refuse to leave. I don’t know what is wrong with her”.

OK, that’s weird. I thought the problem was with the girlfriend and Dana was non existent? Why is she suddenly in the picture? Why would a fling go berserk?

So now if he wanted to meet me, he’d have to sneak out to my place instead. We still met up with me believing that he was gonna rid of Dana and break up with Elyza. The sex was still amazing and he made an effort to meet me when ever he could.

Then he was gone. For an entire week I couldn’t reach him. His phone was turned off and I couldn’t get hold of him even when I called the gym.

When he finally called me back, he was so cold to me I couldn’t even recognize his voice.

Him: We can’t be together.
Me: I know. That’s pretty crystal. But why?
Him: Dana is pregnant.
Me: Uh huh..
Him: With my child. We had planned it. She wasn’t around the whole of last month because she was finalizing her divorce.
Me: *shocked* How long has she been pregnant?
Him: 5 months.
Me: WHAAAAAA??? and what about Elyza?
Him: I’m breaking up with her.

HOLY F-ING SHIET!! I didn’t know what to believe. Till today, I still don’t understand what happened there. Did Elyza really exist? If there was no Elyza, why didn’t he just cut her out of his stories? Was Dana really just a fling? Was he.. MARRIED?? I couldn’t make sense out of anything he told me. The questions continuously repeated in my head like a broken record.


I was broken. For a full year, I’d drown my sorrows with alcohol. I cried myself to sleep for weeks. I talked about him all the time. I tried calling but he disconnected his number. I watched the video I made of us with photos taken during our getaway over and over till I became numb. The song ‘Belaian Jiwa’, which was attached to the video still makes me sick today. Pity, I used to love that song. Every time I hear Casablanca or Hello by Lionel Richie, I’d think of Sid; his 2 favourite songs.

I eventually got over Sid after more than a year. A guy who was pursuing me snapped me back to reality.

Guy: How long were you with this guy?
Me: Only 2 months plus.
Guy: You don’t even know him. How could you love him?

Fair enough. I moved on.


But Sid broke my heart in a million ways. He showed me how cruel the world could be. I was young and naive. I clearly remember the look of horror on his face when I told him, “You’re the third guy I ever had sex with“. I guess he wanted a F-Buddy but got emotionally attached somewhere along the way.

It’s almost like I was a little girl baptized into a whole new world of infidelity and walked out as a woman with a F-ed up mindset. Least he introduced me into the wonderful world of orgasms!

I just stalked Sid’s Facebook in order to give an update on him in present day. He is married to Dana.. and with 2 kids! No longer buffed, but skinny with loooong hair. F-ing EWWW! I wouldn’t do him now even if he supplied me with 10 orgasms per minute!

No, I don’t have him on my Facebook. He just didn’t set it to private. I wouldn’t want to be friends with him and if I ever saw him on the streets, I’d kick him in the balls so hard that he would no longer be interested in giving another young girl amazing orgasms that would F-up their logical thinking.

VERDICT: I avoided Malay men like plague ever since.


A Decade

An almost-relationship that dragged on for a full 10 years. Brace yourself for an extremely long post, it’ll be worth it.

Origin: KL, Malaysia
Ethnicity: Malay-Chinese
Height: 5″10
First impression: The popular kid, the player
Age: 1 year older

When it came to Isaac, the song “Lips of an angel” comes to mind.

I was 18 when we met in college. We were classmates. Coincidentally, we were neighbors too!

We got along instantly. Well, Isaac gets along with everyone with a snap of a finger. He was charming, charismatic and everybody seemed to love him. I definitely did.


We hung out at the apartment’s pool the night we met and within a week, I started sneaking off to the poolside every night. He would sing my favourite songs, kept me entertained with his endless stories and jokes, stared at the stars or just simply sat in silence enjoying each others company. He called me Goddess Tess. I felt like together, we could take on the world.

There was a strong emotional connection and we both felt it.

Waitttt.. why was I sneaking around?

At that point I was in a 1.5 years relationship with Leo. You won’t find a post dedicated to him anywhere on this site. I’ve nothing to say about the relationship other than the fact that we argued and screamed at each other almost daily. Leo was possessive, manipulative, jealous, controlling, sensitive and demanding. For the love of my life, I still don’t know why I was in that dysfunctional relationship for such an extremely long time.

As time went by, I introduced Isaac to my friends. First Jenna, who at times snuck up on us at the pool when I didn’t answer my phone. Then Sherry, my other best friend who would have every boy she meets drool at her feet.

I attempted to end it with Leo but he cried like a baby and literally begged on his knees for me to stay. For real, I am not being dramatic. It seemed that through all the arguments, the guy really loved me and I did not have the heart to say no or give that up for a guy I’ve only just met a couple of months.

Sherry knew about my crush on Isaac. But she immediately developed one for him too! Knowing I would never leave Leo, she gave me the ultimatum;

Her: Are you gonna leave Leo for Isaac?
Me: No
Her: Then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind if I went for it, right?
Me: …. Sure..

It wasn’t even up for negotiation. Sherry was marking her property and telling me to back off indirectly. If I really were to break up and go for Isaac, I would have sparked WWIII.

Sherry knew she would never be alone with Isaac for he always wanted me there. The only time I’d never agree to was in the AMs. They started going for breakfast every morning at 6am. Things a girl would do to get a guy. *rolls eyes*

They got closer as days went by. I gave them my blessings and kept my distance. But Sherry wanted to watch me suffer.

Instead of hanging out with Isaac after classes, I ran off with other classmates in an attempt to avoid them. But they always managed to find out where I was. She would be all over him and she made sure I watched.

I was devastated.

Not only because I could not be with a guy I really wanted but because my best friend was torturing and enjoying my agony. How could she do this to me? Why was she doing this to me?

Woman crying  59331214

Jenna was concerned. One night, she came over with a bottle of Vodka. I drank myself silly and started sobbing uncontrollably at the corner of my room. Jenna could only watch me in silence. She had no words of wisdom that would not harm my friendship with Sherry. I could bet every penny I have that if it was any other girl, we would have been plotting ways to win him back instead!

6 month later, they broke up. Sherry called me, all pissy, going, “He told me – I only got together with you because Tess won’t leave her boyfriend“. Owh. I won afterall ey?

They obviously ceased all communication and as her best friend, I did the same.

Fast forward, Leo and I dated for a total of 4.5 lousy years before we broke up while Sherry and I slowly but surely drifted apart and eventually had a fall out a couple of years after.



I was out partying with Brett, a close friend of ours.

“Isaac is here. You wanna go say hi?”

I was highly intoxicated and stumbled over. Isaac was leaned on a pole puffing on a cigarette.

Me: Heyyyy.. You got fatter!
Isaac: Thank you! .. and you got hotter!

We laughed and exchanged random drunken small talks. I went back to my table where Chad was seated. Chad was in the midst of pursuing me and I was very much into him. He was different from other guys. Charming, responsible, relaxed. I really liked him.

After party, Isaac called. “Come down to the pool”.

We hung out as if it was only yesterday when I last saw him. It felt so comfortable. I did not have to make an impression. He knew me all too well. But he had a girlfriend, and I started dating Chad soon after.

Still, we were hanging out and partying 5 times a week. Each time, he made sure I was well intoxicated and I’d pour my problems to him while he reassured me that everything’s gonna be fine, I am after all Goddess Tess!

Within a month or 2, he was single again.

One drunken night out with Brett, I was completely knocked out. Brett called Isaac over to carry me up to my room as he had no idea where I lived.

When I jumped up an hour or 2 later, I ran to window puking my guts out. Apparently Brett had to pull over at least 5 times on the way home. Isaac was still in my room sitting next to my bed. He handed me some water and we talked while I sobered up.


Isaac apologized for how he treated me 4 years back. We both teared.. and we kissed, with tears rolling down our cheeks. Our very first kiss.

It was an extremely emotional moment.

After Isaac left that night, things became awkward. Though we still hung out with the same group of friends, we didn’t talk. As much as I still had feelings for him, I was still too upset about what happened 4 years back. I could forgive but I could not forget.

Forget what happened. It doesn’t mean a thing. I am now with Chad“.

My birthday came around and as I got tipsy, Gina, our close friend pulled me away from the crowd for ‘a walk’. On the way back to the table, I saw Isaac standing by the wall.

Me: What are you doing here?
Him: Turn around *points at me to spin around and puts on a necklace*
Me: What’s this?
Him: Nothing. Go back to your table
Me: *Drunkenly stumbles back*


Isaac had planned the moment with Gina.

I woke up to a necklace on my neck and it was gorgeous. White gold with a pendant and a tiny diamond. Wow!

I wasn’t sure if I was angry, guilty, upset or happy. But I knew I had to give it back.

The next few nights when he called, I was out drinking. I was annoyed by the calls. When I finally answered, he begged me to meet him at the pool. I had nothing to say to him and I really didn’t want to see him. After much convincing, I met him to get it over with.

Me: I can’t have this necklace. Please take it back. Why did you put it on me while I was drunk?
Him: Because if I gave it to you while you were sober you’d never take it.. and I’ll never get to see you wear it. And no, It’s your birthday present. Keep it. But please take care of it, it’ll be worth something and you can sell it when you are low on funds.
Me: *after much arguing about the necklace* Sigh OK. What do you want to talk to me about?
Him: Since you hate me so much, I will not bother you anymore.. And I won’t need this *hands me a tiny piece of paper*

It was little note I doodled on in class which I gave him 4 years ago. A picture of stars and clouds with the wordings ‘I’ll always be there for you‘. It looked brand new!


I held back my tears, hid my sadness and went home.



Thoughout the years, we did not exactly keep in touch although we do see each other from time to time through mutual friends’ birthdays and such. And whenever we saw one another, we would keep each other updated on our lives.

At 28 while I was dating Luke (Read about Luke HERE), Isaac and I were in the same agency and had no choice but to see each other pretty frequently. We hung out occasionally and constantly annoyed each other about what happened through the years. How I refused to break up with Leo, which resulted in him hooking up with Sherry. Me choosing Chad over him.

Clearly, we still felt the same about one another but by then I was no longer interested in pursuing a relationship with him.

He still cared. He was still there for me every time I needed help with work, including slotting in my appointments for me when I accidentally double booked myself or when I needed a shoulder to cry on. Every now and then, we’d argue about what happened to the point of giving each other the silent treatment.

.. and he hated how Luke mistreated me.

Him: I don’t understand. You chose that idiot Leo over me. Fine. Chad is a nice guy and you were happy, fine! But Luke is an asshole!
Me: I have a boyfriend! What do you want me to do?
Him: Break up with Luke. That’s a start. It’s been so long, you know I’m good for you. You know I’ll treat you right.
Me: You know I won’t do that. It’s been exactly 10 years now. Get over it! We’ve changed, I’ve changed! I’m no longer the happy little girl you once knew. You don’t even like me anymore, this is just an obsession!

I ignored him for weeks. But he was still there for me whenever I called. One night after a temporary break up with Luke, Isaac texted me and somehow we went through the same age old argument, which ended with me telling him, “I just argued with Luke, I don’t need to argue with you as well. If it makes you any happier, I’m single now“.

15 minutes later, he called, “Open your door. I come bearing gifts and a hug“. He was at my doorstep with a can of Milo and Coke, pretty much the only 2 drinks I ever order. We sat at the door talking for a bit before he left.

Candle Light Dinner Picture

Weeks to come, he took me out to a nice restaurant. He called it a date. Through the 10 years, we have never been on a date. All we did was hang out at the pool, at malls, fast food outlets, with friends, bars and parties. As much as I enjoyed his company as usual but I did not want to lead him on anymore.

A couple of weeks later, on the same night I broke up with Luke for good, Isaac and I were texting. I came to realization that I was treating him the exact way Luke was treating me and I didn’t want him to feel the way that I do.

There were many instances where I’ve pissed him off to the point where if it were any other men, they would probably have slapped me. But to rid of Isaac, I had to rise to a different level of a F-ed up bitch.

Me: Please stop being so nice to me. I’m not worth it.
Him: I like being nice to you. It makes me happy. It’s not for you, it’s for me.
Me: Just stop it. You and I will never be. Just as some girls only go for men with a thick wallet, I’m obsessed with men with huge biceps. Do you not think that if you went back to the shape you were when I first met you, I’d be all over you in an instant?
Him: I know you want me to hate you. But I just can’t. Many times I’ve tried to ignore you but I somehow can’t do it.
Me: Common, you don’t even like me anymore.
Him: Tess, I have loved you for a very long time. And you know it damn well.

We stopped all forms of communication since. Except for a couple of calls regarding work, our paths never crossed.

I am a horrible person and Isaac had treated me like a princess for a whole decade. He went out of his way to give me everything I wanted (non materialistic) within his means and I took every bit of him for granted. I couldn’t bare to hurt him anymore. So much has changed in the 10 years but the way he treats me remains exactly as we first met.


I loved him dearly and I still do today. But I know he would be better off with a girl who would treat him right from the start and appreciates his fine qualities.

Selfishly, the last thing I need is to jump into a relationship with him and be disappointed. Least if I don’t find out for sure, there is still a glimpse of hope that there are still nice men out there.

Isaac is a true gentleman. He never once took advantage of drunk ol’ me , never attempted to get into my pants (and never did). With him, chivalry isn’t dead. He knew the right things to say at the right time. It was as if he could read my mind. He has seen me at my worst and accepted me for who I am. All my friends loves him, every single one of them. None of them could brain why I just wouldn’t give him a try.

How could they, even I don’t.

Luke once told me, “If you hate it that I’m such an asshole, you really should consider dating Isaac. He would walk through a brick wall for you“. I know he would, I just don’t want him to.

NOTE: This might seem like an extremely long post but if I included every single memorable moment with Isaac, you’d be scrolling through this post infinitely. Oh and congratulations if you made it this far!

VERDICT: He was a hopeless romantic. The sweetest man I have ever met and I doubt anyone could ever replace him.. or even come close.

F You, Cupid! : Part I

This is a story of how I ventured online in my search for a hottie.. and got my heart broken in the process.

A month after I turned single 6 months back, I texted Chad to see if he was up for a beer. It was 11pm and I was bored. He replied saying he was busy, perhaps I should put up a profile on OKCupid and browse through the unlimited supply of hot men who might be able to keep me entertained for the time being.

I happily signed up, glad that in a way I had something to do. I spent 80% of the time setting up my profile and poking around at the questionnaire section before I recalled that my purpose on the site was to browse for eye candies and not to promote myself. You see, at that point of time, online dating did not make sense to me one bit. Why do I need to set up a profile to meet men when I could easily meet them in bars and/or clubs?

Anyways, the messages poured in and I got bored within a week. Eventually I cleared the long essay I had in the About Me to ‘This is temporary insanity‘.

One night as I was browsing through profiles with no intentions on messaging or replying anyone, I came across Hugo’s profile. I paused for a moment…


Should I message him? He’s hot, but not the kinda hot I usually lust for. He had the physique of the above photo, though I’ve no idea about the package.

Read, re-read.. Based in Singapore. Ahhh F it! What’s the point?

Name: HUGO
Origin: England
Based: Singapore
Ethnicity: English
Height: 6″. Bald. Buffed
First impression: Bad boy
Age: 4 years older

The next morning, I received a message from Hugo. After a few witty replies we started chatting over Whatsapp and I was hooked.

We’d be on Whatsapp for 2-3 hours every other day. He’d text briefly after work at about 7pm and when he got home I’d be glued to my phone. Over the weekend we’d be chatting throughout the day.

Conversations were never dull . We talked about everything; our daily lives, awesome food, travels experiences, relationships and heartbreaks, wild parties, work stress, our pets, family and friends, college days. It was easy and open.

Woman texting on her cell

We ran to the mirror and snapped photos of ourselves to prove we were real with specific instructions like “take a mirror selfie with your dog next to you and your tongue sticking out” and “take a selfie with an expression like this emoticon!“.

Occasionally he would be sending drunk texts at 3am and I did the same.

We flirted with some mild dirty talks.

We exchanged specific voice clips – “Hey say this out loud ‘Good night Tessa! Sweet dreams! *Mwaaaahhhhhh*” or “How do you say ‘cheese’ with your tongue out?”.

I dreaded going out as it meant less time spent chatting with him. At times, I’d literally be laughing out loud at the things he says.

I felt like I knew him even though I have never met him – I imagined how I would ‘get lost’ in his huge bed as he described. Walking and playing fetch with his dog on the beach. Teaching me to swim. Cuddling. I painted a perfect image of him.

He made plans to come to KL twice. The first time did not go through as he had just returned from a vacation and was tired. I was disappointed.

Then I begin to question myself; So what if he came? And when he returns to Singapore? If everything went well, can I handle a LDR? Even if I was willing, it was not doable. I have work on weekends, while he was off during the weekends. These questions didn’t stop me from chatting with him. Each time I receive a message from him, I’d light up with a smile.


Me: Do you think we’d ever meet?
Him: I think so.
Me: But I’d freak out! I’ve never met anyone from a dating site.
Him: It’ll probably be the same as meeting someone after exchanging numbers in the bar while drunk.
Me: OK then. We’ll meet at a bar and you can pretend to pick me up like a total stranger!

After 2 whole months of chatting, he finally bought the tickets to KL for the following week with a screenshot of the confirmation email as proof. I went from feeling shocked to ecstatic to calling Jenna, screaming into the phone, “HUGO IS COMINGGGG!!!“, in the middle of a workday.

But that’s when things went downhill. He wasn’t feeling well so we didn’t chat as much that week. The following week, he decided not to come cause he was sick.


.. then he stopped texting.





I texted him telling how intrigued I am that he bought a ticket to KL and went silent right after. He explained that while he was sick he considered why he was visiting. He wanted to meet me.. But..

In his exact words, “I’m not into mindless sex, so if I came, I would have wanted more. But I don’t want more with someone who lives in another country so there is no point in starting something for the weekend.”. 

Ouch! It felt like I got stabbed in the heart.

I teared up. Tears literally rolled down my cheeks. Over a guy I have never met.



I was so emotionally open to him. Telling him bits and pieces of my life that only my boyfriends and really close friends knew.

Although I didn’t expect anything to bloom as much as I hoped for it, I certainly did not expect nothing to happen at all. I was all prepped up for a heart break after the all weekend date but he didn’t even show up.

How could it be that I’m surrounded by hot men all over KL but I’m obsessed with one who is in Singapore and does not want to pursue a possible relationship with me.

It felt like I got dumped. I did. It was a definite bruise to the ego. So much time wasted texting, laughing, being so happy.. it felt so real.

I was willing to have my heart broken by him. Just not like this. I’ve done all kinds of stupid. But I’ve definitely stooped to a whole new level of stupidity with this one.

I’ve been in search for a Hugo substitute ever since. No one else came close.

Perhaps I was playing make believe, wanting to believe he’s all I imagined him to be, the perfect romantic gentleman, THE ONE who would truly blow my mind emotionally and physically. Maybe the conversations weren’t even all as interesting as I imagined it to be. Maybe it was all that interesting because I wanted to keep him interested so I could not only sext him, but to eventually have sex with him.

What if I actually met him and died of boredom during our dinner date? Or lose all interest after a shag.. or five. I cannot possibly get bored of those fabulous washboard abs that fast, or could I? Or maybe he’s lousy in bed; 3 lousy minutes of boom boom and that’s it.. THE HORROR!

Then I imagined what it would be like to finally meet him.


In a club, dancing, drinking, having fun when Hugo walks up to me and says, “Can I buy you a drink?“, just like how we have planned on us meeting the very first time; him picking me up at a bar. I turn to him, shock, out of words, taking in the gorgeous face. That magnificent big smile that would melt me to the ground. I regain my posture. “Sure, why not?“.

He explains that he moved to KL for work 6 months back but did not contact me as I’ve deleted him on Facebook. Then we dance. We drink. We laugh. We flirt. End of the night, we exchange numbers. As he corners me onto the bar and leans in close enough for a kiss, I smile. I gaze into those deep blue eyes, heart pounding.. should I, or should I not kiss him? “Good night Hugo, sweet dreams.”, I kiss him on the cheek. “Call me some time.“. and I walk away. Smiling.

The next day, my phone buzz.
Him: Hey you 🙂
Me: So we are doing this Whatsapp chatting again now?
Him: I guess. What are you doing this weekend? I want to take you out for dinner. Steak.

I light up. I smile satisfyingly.

So there. I’ve met him. In MY REALITY.


To be continued HERE.

VERDICT: Perhaps online dating is not for me. The higher the expectations, the higher the disappointment.

TWO stories, FOUR characters.

Origin: KL, Malaysia
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 5″4. Tiny
First impression: Geeky
Age: My age

I was 15 when I had my first high school puppy love. Scott was and still is the sweetest guy I’ve ever dated. We were in the same class, hung out on a daily basis after school. He would walk 15 minutes to my place every weekend and to head to the malls and just did everything young couples would. Every month we would have our ‘monthsary’ and celebrated by skipping school. We even made out at the back of the class while lessons were on going.

After 6 long months of dating, I was dying of curiosity – What does sex feels like? After all, we have already experimented with everything else, made out for hours till it became numb and boring. To a point where all it felt like to me was flicking my tongue in and out of his mouth. I wanted to feel more. The poor boy even asked, “Don’t you enjoy making out with me anymore?“. My head was screaming, “Man up and make a move already!

A week before my 15th birthday, being home alone. We finally did the deed.

The verdict? I felt sex was wayyyy overrated. Uninteresting. Too hyped up by Hollywood and nothing to rave about. All I thought was, “Is that it?”

One would imagine the girl crying and possibly begging to guy to marry her after sex in some crazily dramatic soap opera but hell no! Scott sat himself at the corner of the bed and started sobbing uncontrollably. I stared at him in disbelief. Like, seriously? We had sex and now you’re telling me that you took my virginity and wanna be responsible for it? And, and.. wait for it… MARRY ME?!


Holy moly take a chill pill, baby! We were only 15! After at least an hour, I managed to calm him down. We continued sleeping together through the months but it never excited me.

We dated for another year before I felt completely suffocated. He didn’t want me going out with my friends or talking to any other guys. He didn’t get along with any of my friends. He always wanted alone time with me. I was plain bored outta my skull and I was young. I wanted to explore my options.

Scott is now happily married with an adorable 5 year old daughter. I’m so happy for him. I still bump into him from time to time and laugh about how I cannot believe he is now a father. He even invited me to his wedding!

VERDICT: Too young, too nice.



Fast forward to my last encounter with a Chinese man.

Name: LUKE
Origin: KL, Malaysia
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 5″9. Toned
First impression: Oozed confidence, charming and stylish
Age: 9 years older

12 years later, Luke and I were friends who were very much attracted to one another. The sexual tension was unmistakable each time we met. I went from being one of the guys during boys night out to having a no strings attached relationship but somehow got sucked into being in one knowingly, though very much unwillingly.

Luke is an extremely passionate man when he chose to be. He was by far the most passionate man I have ever slept with, he had his way with me each and every time. He played all sorts of mind games that seriously messed with my sanity. I hated the ‘What ifs‘ he throws at me right after we had sex; “What if we dated, do you think it’ll work out?”,  “What if we stopped seeing other another, would you miss me?”,  “What if you fall for me? You already did, didn’t you?”.


6 months down the road, the sex eventually slowed down. He ended it because we disagreed on everything on all levels. Within 2 weeks, I started dating Wayne. A friend of a friend I met some years back during a BBQ pool party. Luke turned berserk and went on full force in pursuing me; sending really gorgeous bouquet of flowers, apology emails, self written poems.

Origin: KL, Malaysia
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 5″11. A little chubs
First impression: Rich spoilt brat
Age: 1 year younger

Things weren’t going too well with Wayne who I found rather clingy for my preference. He wanted to see me everyday, while I preferred to meet my guys every alternate day or  2-3 days. I love my alone time and time with my friends.

We had planned for a trip to Singapore along with my besties Jenna, her boyfriend, Kyle and Michelle a week after my birthday.

And that’s when disaster struck. I celebrated in a club the week before my birthday. Obviously Luke was invited and clearly I have not gotten over him. Long story short, I was way too intoxicated and kept running  to Luke, only to have my friends drag me back to Wayne. I was literally crying and dancing the night away. I know, it’s hard to imagine. Worst birthday EVER!

The day before my birthday was hell. I was crying all day till it hurts. My eyes were swollen, I hid in my room.

Eventually I texted Luke stating that all I wanted for my birthday was to see him. He drove me over to his place before midnight, where he handed me a slice of chocolate cake (my favourite) and sang happy birthday. He poured his feelings out to me on why he refused to open up previously, how he mistreated me and how much he wanted to make it right.

He teared up, I cried. He stared at me longingly and finally we kissed. It was the most passionate kiss I have ever felt even till today. We made sweet, sweet love. Twice. OK, fine I don’t usually use the term ‘making love‘. It’s just too corny for my liking. I prefer the terms shagging, bonking, having sex, f*ck. You get my drift. Anyways, we stayed up all night talking till 9am and headed out for breakfast. The night was intense. My eyes were extremely puffy and they were so swollen it hurts.


I was to meet my friends for my birthday lunch but no one could reach me. My battery was flat. When Janice and Jenna finally managed to get hold of me and picked me up, they instantly knew what I was up to the entire night. Through my swollen eyes, they could see that happy glow. But they didn’t feel the same joy I felt. They hated his guts after having sat through hours of my insanity. They insisted that I avoided him till I got back from Singapore and gave myself a chance at real happiness with Wayne.

Obviously everyone knew I was sneaking off to meet Luke and by then I hardly contacted Wayne. I was dreading the thought of having to spend the weekend away from him in Singapore. Every meet up ended with a long, tight loving hug and intense kisses with him telling me how much he wanted me and how he doesn’t want to let go for he might never see me again.

In Singapore, Wayne and I ended it on the very first night. He knew. Spent the rest of the trip running off with Michelle and feeling rather awkward being around Wayne. Guilt maybe? I still don’t know.

NOTE: Everything involving Wayne happened within a month.

When I got back to KL, Luke picked me up from the airport. I was so happy to see him. I was love struck. A month or 2 flew by and I was happily in love. Though through the 1.5 years we dated, he never once told me he loved me.

But a month or 2 was just that. He reverted back to his selfish, demanding, grumpy ways that I could hardly tolerate. I stayed on holding to his empty promises that seemed so real, that perfect partner he could be if only I was more intellectual and took interest in his interest. Every time I attempted to leave, he would find a way to convince me to stay. More empty promises, more tears, more excuses. I’ve now decided that if I have to be in a relationship only to discuss politics and football, I rather not be in one.


As time went by, we met up for dinner just because we had to. We spoke awkwardly like strangers who had nothing in common. We had obligatory sex only 4 times that year, after which I did not even give him a chance to initiate those robotic 2 minute (or possibly less) sexual release that he had no interest in. I used to be one of the boys during their drinking nights but at that point I wasn’t even allowed to know where they were headed. We did not care for each other one bit.

I was lonely even when I was in a relationship and after many, many months of wallowing in self pity, having my confidence crushed, wondering if there was anything wrong with me sexually or intellectually, I bumped into an old flame, Xander.

Name: Xander
Origin: KL, Malaysia
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 5″8. Lean
First impression: Mr Nice Guy
Age: My age

Xander. How he brought back so much memories. He was a classmate in elementary school and one of the most sought after cuties back then. I went on dates with Xander a couple of times right after Scott (He was the main option I was wanting to explore) but nothing blossomed from it. He was too shy then and still too shy 12 years later.

He had a girlfriend who was based in Singapore so all we did was hang out. Clearly we never forgot each other and the hanging out progressed into dinners and movies.

After 2 months, I gained the courage and confidence and told Luke to F-off. Literally. Thanks to Xander, I felt much less worthless. I was a mess for exactly ONE week. Crying, whining, bitching and miraculously on the 8th day, I woke up happy. I was over him.


As for Xander, we somehow drifted apart. Again. And within a month after I turned single, he disappeared from my life. Perhaps he’s my guardian angel sent from above to ease me out of my unhealthy relationships. LOL

From what I hear, Wayne is tying the knot this year while Luke is still F-ing around with various new fresh young blood. Talk about bad judgments.

VERDICT: I will never date another Chinese man.