The Blast From The Past

THROWBACK to 2011

I was at my usual joint with my then boyfriend, CHAD.

NOTE: Chad used to be a geek who doesn’t party or hang out with my friends. That night was one of the exceptions.

We were at the table right next to the bar when I spotted GERALD. Gerald is one helluva hunk and a F-Boy with the nastiest reputation in the party scene.

Me: I don’t feel like drinking champagne. Can I trade it for your whiskey? It’s a good deal ya know.
Gerald: Yeah sure. Two champagnes for a whiskey. You know whiskey is way stronger..
Me: *roll eyes*

Right then, Gerald’s friend came up to me;

Dude: Can I offer you a drink?
Me: *looks at the drink, looks at him* Sureee!

This dude was gorgeous! Like a 101% my type!

I obviously accepted the drink without having to trade champagnes. We started talking. And dancing. Then grinding..

Gerald who was trying to get into my pants at that point of time started to get really annoyed. Butting into our conversations didn’t work and eventually, he walked right up to me..

Gerald: Your boyfriend over there is… *I honestly can’t remember/couldn’t hear what he said*
Dude: Whaaaatt?? You have a boyfriend? And your boyfriend is here?!
Me: Yes. He’s right there *points*
Dude: So what are you doing here with me?
Me: Uhh.. We were dancing. It’s not like we’re having sex *roll eyes*

The night went on and I went back to my table. At the end of the night, I spotted him at the dance floor and we danced reallll close. It was pretty obvious that he was refraining from kissing me when Mr BF decided to turn up at the dance floor and dragged my drunk ass home.

 

5 DAYS LATER

I was itching to see him again. I didn’t get his digits and I forgot his name.

I texted Gerald and got the dude’s name. Added him on Facebook, got his digits and started texting all day.

Name: COREY
Origin: KL
Ethnicity: Chinese
Height: 5’9. Fit
First impression: Freaking CUTE!
Age: 1 year younger

So I found out that he was going to the Pitbull concert that night and decided I had to go too! I’d probably had gone mad if I didn’t get to see him again.

I contacted LUKE (my previous ex who was still a friend then) and he hooked Mr BF and I up with VIP tickets for free! Luke was working with one of the event sponsors. Yeah, Mr BF insisted on coming along after he caught me misbehaving.

 

 

AT THE CONCERT

So we were at the VIP area which was barricaded away from the rest of the crowd. Free flow beers all night long. I found out where Corey would be and told my girl, Gina to come with me.

Me: Let’s go there *points* I wanna see this dude.
Gina: Chad is here though?
Me: Let’s sneak out!

When both our boyfriends weren’t looking, we literally darted out of the VIP. Luke who was standing at the entrance stared at us like we have lost our minds.

Corey was just so Goddamn gorgeous. I can honestly remember it like it was yesterday. We danced, we laughed, we drank, and we got really close. So extremely close to a kiss. It was so tempting, my brains could blow (or should it be my ovaries?) but Gina insisted that we should get back to the boyfriends before they came looking for us.

Yes, the two boyfriends were obviously pissed when we got back. They found out from Luke that we ran out towards the opposite direction of the washrooms (we told them we went to the washroom and it was packed).

 

CHINESE NEW YEAR

Nothing much happened the following few encounters at my usual joint. He claimed he did not wanna mess with girls who had boyfriends.

But some weeks after the Pitbull concert, it was Chinese New Year. And those of us who don’t have a hometown to return to pretty much have absolutely nothing to do but to hit the clubs.

CHRIS, one of my closest male friend back then and I decided to head to the usual with one of Mr BF’s friend, Jean whom he was interested in.

I bumped into Corey on the way out from the washroom. We said our hi’s and CNY greetings, and I went back to the dancefloor.

When I went back to the bar for a smoke, Corey was nearby and I motioned for him to come over.

Me: Why are you hiding in the corner?
Him: Staying away from trouble.
Me: What kinda trouble are you possibly staying away from?
Him: Staying away from you.
Me: Righhhttt… By hiding at the exact spot I spotted you? So why are you in front of me?
Him: Cause you asked me to come over.
Me: *dance a lil with my beer*
Him: Serioussssly?
Me: You could look away! Or you could always go back to your corner or back to your friends.
Him: You know I won’t.
Me: *continues dancing closer to him*
Him: Seriouslyyyy??? I don’t dance with girls with boyfriends. You’re tempting the F outta me!
Me: I’m not even touching you. I’m not even trying! Look, I’m standing far from you. I’m dressed like I’m going to Starbucks..
Him: Reallly? *continues repeating the same thing while smiling and coming closer* I don’t dance with girls with boyfriends.
Me: And you’re telling me that when your face is an inch away from mine?
Him: You’re really tempting the F outta me. You have no idea I so want to smash you right now *starts dancing closer and tempting me*
Me: *laughing* Relax, *rubs his chest and tracing my fingers all the way down to his belt*
Him: You really think I’m gonna relax like that?

When Chris and Jean came back to the bar, I threw my bag to them and took Corey to the dancefloor.

We danced and eventually our lips touched. Corey looked like he was in disbelief. When he snapped out of his shock, I dived in for another kiss, though more like a couple of short ones. I was sober and afraid Chris and Jean might just show up.

It was just too tempting to resist. If I continued being on the dancefloor I’d probably end up dragging him home!

Back at the bar, he sat looking like a broken puppy going all, ‘What am I doing?!’. I continued dancing in front of him and at some point, he grabbed and pressed me to his body. If only Jean wasn’t there!

 

THE FOLLOWING DAYS

We texted a whole lot. He sent a way too suggestive modeling shot for it to be innocent. Well, no innocent boys who refuse to ‘mess with people’s girl’ would be texting the girl, let alone exchanging photos.

Me: I’m going tomorrow. Are you?
Him: Yeah I’ll be there.
Me: Looks like I’d run into you again. Unless you wanna go into hiding.
Him: If your boyfriend is there then I’ll definitely be hiding.
Me: He’s not around.
Him: Good to know I won’t have to hide from you.
Me: That’s a first. I thought u didn’t want to be anywhere near me in the first place.
Him: When your boyfriend isn’t around, I would like you to be around.
Me: Contradict yourself much?


The next we met, probably a day or two apart. I begged my friends hit the club with me. They were exhausted from all the constant partying.

When Corey arrived, Chris almost immediately dragged Jean to the dancefloor for a good long time.

Tequilas, beers, made out. Being all over each other, I could feel a very hard hard on.  His body was delicious. The hard abs, the very defined jawline.. and I loved how dreamy his eyes were. He was an amazing kisser. Everything about him oozed sex appeal. His moves totally got me drooling. Corey was totally driving me nuts!

Him: I so wanna do things to you that can’t be said out loud right now.
Me: *Ovaries explodes*

The sexual frustration was so bad that we both eventually got pissed off. Corey pretty much stopped in his tracks, claiming that I have a boyfriend (roll eyes), he has his moral values and how it ain’t right. We went back to the bar.. and we started arguing!

Him: Why are you doing this to me when you know it’s not gonna get us anywhere. You’re obviously leaving with your friends and I didn’t drive.. We both know that I so wanna F the hell out of you right now but it obviously ain’t happening so why are we wasting our time. I might as well find someone else to go hook up with!
Me: Go ahead. You knew from the start that I had a boyfriend. That it aint happening tonight but you still chose to do it and besides, look at the time.. you think you’ve got the time to find someone else?
Him: I’m not gonna stand here and argue with you. Where are your friends?
Me: *Shrugs* Chris left. Brett is somewhere around. You go ahead.
Him: Call him then. You know I ain’t leaving you here alone.

 

SOME WEEKS LATER

Him: Where’s your boyfriend?
Me: What makes you think I have one?
Him: Are you saying you don’t have a boyfriend?
Me: If I had one, would I be out here tonight, on a weekend?
Him: I’m not sure. I was in a 4 years relationship and I still went out.
Me: *Shrugs*
Him: Are you saying you’re single?
Me: *Shrugs* To be honest, I don’t know. There was once I thought I broke up with a boyfriend but it turns out he didn’t think the same.
Him: So are you saying you broke up?
Me: *Ignores*
Him: Well, you are fun to hang out with and I’m all up for a good time with single girls. When you’re sure you’re single, gimme a buzz and we could hang out.


And that was that. We lost touch. Maybe Corey really did have a wee bit of moral values. He got himself a girlfriend not too long after so I only bumped into him twice briefly since 2011 till two days back.

I was at the bar when I ran into a friend I usually party with.

Me: Who else are you with that I know?
Him: No one really. Oh, Corey is there!
Me: That one with the cap? Oh my God, he looks like a ball!!

I joined their table caught up with Corey a little and played liar’s dice with the boys for the next couple of hours.. but not before throwing some insults at him;

Me: Long time! Why dafuq are you so fat?
Him: I aged.
Me: And I did not age?
Him: Well, I drink a lot..
Me: I drink a lot too, and you don’t see me looking like a ball.

It’s sad that he looked nothing like he did once upon a time. I had once thought that he is the most gorgeous Chinese dude I have ever met in real life. Gerald could probably come second.

That being said, Chris and Jean dated for a couple of years before it ended and he is now married with a daughter.

Gerald, still single and F-ing around. He could possibly be the hottest Chinese boy I know to date, being one of Singapore’s Man Hunt finalist. We eventually hooked up twice back then and we still party every time he’s in town now.

Chad and I split after 4 years of dating, and not because he caught me red handed. Story HERE. We still hang out though not as much anymore. He’s now newly married and I’m happy for him

 

VERDICT: Sexual tension ain’t as fun as it’s made up to be at times.

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The Export

10 MONTHS BACK

KURT: I made a new friend.
Me: Uh huh?
Kurt: You’ll love him. Come here now *sends a blurry sneaked video*
Me: NOW?! Nah.. Maybe tomorrow.
Kurt: I know you’d do him. All the girls are checking him out.

The next day, I headed to a fairly new club in town to meet Kurt so I could see for myself how much I’d love this new friend of his.

As I entered the club, the first thing I noticed was the hot manager pouring some drinks for the customers. I thought, “Wow! I’ll get *the other manager* to introduce him later. Where’s Kurt?

Me: Hey youuu!! *hugs*
Kurt: *hugs* My friend will be here in awhile, he’s over there somewhere.
Me: Oh, the manager’s really hot!! *points*
Kurt: Him? That’s my new friend!
Me: *jaw dropped*

When his friend came to the table and got introduced to me, he was so F-ing arrogant with the I-know-you’d-want-me look plastered all over his face. He was friendly to everyone but completely ignored me, but baby I know that move all too well. All I had to do was to mirror his attitude and BAM!, he’d be mine.

Name: BRAD
Origin: Germany
Ethnicity: German-British
Height: 6′. THE perfect body
First impression: Gorgeous
Age: Same age

Initially, I’m like okay, he’s hot from afar but just alright when he’s in front of me. Brad is quite the pretty boy. But whoaaa when he took off his blazer, you could almost see the hearts in my eyes *imagine the heart eyes emoji*. I know this because Kurt’s girlfriend looked at me and burst out laughing.

Those biceps and chest could get any girl drooling. Them full sleeve tattoos totally added to his bad boy image.

So I ignored Brad for most of the night till he finally sat his ass next to me and we started talking. Small talks at first, then it got flirty, and I completely ignored the flirting.

Sometime later, I was checking Brad out as he was chatting up a girl at the nearby table and he noticed. Well, apparently I check out dudes a little too indiscreetly… But that’s the whole point ain’t it?

Brad: I’m not into anything serious.
Me: Not everybody wants serious. I wouldn’t want serious even if you try *looks down thinking of something smart to say*
Brad: I know you’re imagining my D.
Me: *speechless*

By the end of the night, although we exchanged digits, Brad was mostly agitated by my nonchalant behavior towards him.

Brad: Do you want me or not? I’m not gonna beg you for it.
Me: *victory smile with the F-me eyes, kissed him on the lips and walked away*

Kurt and the rest of the gang wanted to head off for supper but Brad had to stay back to close up and I threw a fit at Kurt insisting that Brad be there. I have no clue what they spoke in German, but Brad turned up for supper, sat at the opposite end of the table, texted back and forth while staring at me like a piece of meat, all while everyone else were busy talking and clueless as to what was happening.

The next morning, Brad texted;

Brad: Morning! 🙂
Me: Morning! How’s the hangover?
Brad: As usual, and yours? Damn the apartment is free now and you could come.
Me: I’m exhausted and famished.

Whaatt?? 

Me: What did you say to Brad?
Kurt: Nothing. He told me every time he came back to the table that you’re actually kinda cute and he’d F you. The more he drank, the more he said it. And maybe because I told him that you might want.
Me: When are you going there again?
Kurt: Soonish. You wanna see him huh? You’re such a girly girl. Like a teen with a crush.
Me: He’s too pretty to be taken seriously.

We met a couple of times from then on and all were good, mostly because he had to behave at work. But our texts could only lead to annoyance. We were both too damn arrogant for our own good.

At some point, we were both whining to Kurt about how we couldn’t tolerate one another.

Me: *whines whines whines* Brad is such a piece of shit. Who does he think he is? So F-ing arrogant!
Kurt: If you guys hate each other so much, stop texting already! He’s telling me the same thing! Grow up both of you!!

 

4 MONTHS BACK

Brad and I have not been in contact for awhile now but he’s never really out of mind considering I’d hear a lot about him through Kurt.

It was my girlfriend’s birthday and we were out at a nearby bar when Kurt decided to join… with Brad! Brad had stopped working at the club and was about to manage an upcoming bar with a friend of his.

Brad gave me a big hug when they arrived and I pretty much ignored him for the first half of the night. After a few drinks, he started getting a little bit flirty. When the birthday girl was a goner, Kurt, Brad and I headed to another bar to meet a girlfriend of mine.

Brad kept poking and pinching and annoying the hell outta me the entire time. At some point, I looked at my girlfriend;

Me: I’m so pissed, I’m gonna rape him!
GF: *to Brad* She said she wants to F you.
Me: I said I’m gonna rape you, not F you.
Brad: Oh really? I’d like to know how you’re gonna do that.
Me: See this? *shows middle finger* This is going up yours!

When we left the bar, Brad wrapped his hands around my shoulders.

Brad: You’re coming over.
Me: What makes you so sure?
Brad: I already told Kurt to send you back with me.

On the way to Brad’s however, LUCAS replied my texts with some lame ass excuses that got my mood ruined. I showed the text to Kurt and…

Kurt: Don’t reply him. And stop using distractions.
Brad: What’s up?
Kurt: Some dude of hers. She’s only using you as a distraction.
Me: NO I’M NOT!!
Brad: Nuh uh.. I don’t do that shit. You can forget it.
Me: Dafuq? *stares at him*
Brad: Don’t give me that look.
Me: Fine. Then Kurt needs to send me home.

I mostly wanted to strangle Kurt at that point of time and when we reached Brad’s, I had to move to the front so I threw my bag up front.

Brad: Take your bag.
Me: I thought you didn’t want to anymore.
Brad: *opens car door* Just take it.

When we got up, we chatted for a bit before getting to it. Man, Brad is freaking dominant in bed. He’d choke and grab and yank and spank and slap. I loved dominating men! In fact, he does rough sex even better than ETHAN!! He loved going down too! No one can quite choke like he does. I was ecstatic! And his body is delicious!!

We chatted for a bit after two rounds and Brad wanted me to stay the night but nah, I wasn’t quite in the mood and I wasn’t about to wake up early so he got me an Uber.

I then realized that Brad is all arrogant and shit for show when others were around. In private, he really was quite sweet. I figured I could use a F-Bud like him.

But then… a month later he had some problems with work and moved to Thailand! Say whaaaaa?!! I kept pestering Kurt to visit him but of course, it never happened.

 

LAST WEEK

I was out on a Thursday night with Stella who took some Aussie girls out to party. The girls had a morning flight out to Bali and Stella suggested we joined them over the week. I love the beach and was totally up for it. But Stella woke up and decided it wasn’t a good idea.

I desperately wanted a beach and decided it wouldn’t kill me if I tried my luck with Brad. He is managing a resort on an island in Thailand. I have been toying with the idea of exporting myself out for a F-cation after having CRUZ and KENT fly in from Singapore and Australia.

Plus, I really needed a break from reality.

Me: Yo! I heard you moved to an island?
Brad: Yooo… Yes I did 😉
Me: I so need a beach vacay. If I go there, can I sleep on your sofa?
Brad: I don’t have a couch but I’ll find you a place to stay.
Me: If I come for like a week, and promise not to bother you (much), can I stay with you?
Brad: *calls* I’m lazy to type. Just come, don’t complicate things. It’s peak season so I’d probably give up my room for the guests and get a place for 2 weeks and you can come stay for free. You can sleep on the floor for all I care *burst out laughing* Go book your flights. I’m all good as long as I don’t have to see you 24/7, I have to work.
Me: Don’t worry, I don’t wanna see your face 24/7 too.

So I booked my flight out in 2 days from Sunday till Friday.

 

DAY 1

Brad: I’m F-ing tired. We’ll go eat and then back to our place. It’s not too bad. We have no pool so don’t expect too much. I hope you’ll enjoy your time here.

It was sundown by the time I arrived. Brad picked me up from the pier.

Me: Long timeee!! Wow, you look different!
Brad: Yeah, more burnt, more skinny and more silver (hair).
Me: Looks good enough!

Brad looked like a proper beach boy!

Bought some food back to the room. Sat around for a bit and decided to take a shower. I was sticky and disgusting from the 9 hours worth of traveling and waiting around.

Brad totally ambushed me at the shower. He walked straight up to me, grabbed me by the neck and kissed me. I totally forgot how dominant he was and it drove me absolutely delirious! And his body – so tanned and ripped, it was a sight for sore eyes.

Me: Oh damn you’re sexy! *runs my fingers down his abs*
Brad: *huge smile, slaps me across the face and kisses me*
Me: *swoons*

 

DAY 2

Woke up. Shower-F. Bought food. More F.

Brad: What do you wanna do today?
Me: Beach, massage, eat.
Brad: Sounds like an easy plan. I’ve already arranged a massage for you at my resort for half the price. You’ll be getting it by the beach.
Me: OMG I love you! Not that way. Is this a one-off deal, or can I do it every day?
Brad: You can do it as much as you want.

Brad took me to brunch at a restaurant with a view to die for. The island is just beautiful.

Grabbed a beer by the beach and went to his resort for massage, pool, beach and then brought food back to the room.

Then Brad went into silent mode. Hmm.. what’s up with this dude? I figured he’s upset about work and left him be.

 

DAY 3

We got up early and all the restaurants were still closed. Brad took us to a fancy 5-star hotel and had buffet breakfast by the beach. Words cannot describe how gorgeous the view is. Initially, I refused to eat there as it costs a bomb but he claims –

Me: Whaaaat?!! It’s so expensive!
Brad: Hang on *disappears for a moment* Okay, I managed to convince them to let you eat for free cause you don’t eat much so we’re just paying for one person.
Me: Really? Are you sure?
Brad: Just eat. I already paid. Don’t ask so many questions.

Yeah, right! Like a 5-star resort’s gonna allow anyone to eat for free.

By then I figured that it was low season and Brad’s resort wasn’t full. In fact, it was quite the opposite. He simply wanted to get a room for us. It was a semi-vacation for him too. How sweet could this dude be?

It was funny when we spoke of how we met and how he was undecided if it was the right move the first time we kissed, as he didn’t want to hook up with clients/friends of friends. So I guess I finally figured out why we only hooked up after so long.

Baked under the sun, pool, massage, beach, ate a shitload of food on the house because they hired a new chef and were doing some food tasting. Brad didn’t want to eat anymore and sent all the food directly to me.

By nightfall, I realized Brad is a grumpy ass who enjoys watching TV in silence as soon as he hits the bed. He also hates being touched when we weren’t F-ing. Easily agitated when sober. And everything is annoying and stupid. Brad is a replica of my asshole ex, LUKE! He snaps pretty quickly too, but I just sucked it up. I am after all completely dependant on him the entire trip and he had also been really sweet.

 

DAY 4

Brad had to get to work early so we had breakfast on the house at his resort. The weather was gloomy but it was perfect. I was already almost burnt from the day before.

Again, had a massage by the beach, played with the resort’s dogs. One of the staff brought in two Golden Retriever pups!

Brad: I’m going off for some alone time. You stay here. They’ll take care of you. I already told the staff to put whatever you order on my tab. Just don’t overdo it.

But of course, I did not order a single thing. Firstly, I just couldn’t stomach any more food. Secondly, I did not want to take advantage. I did not expect to be so well pampered. I thought Brad was just going to give me a place to stay!

I was laying by the pool when the waitress came with a pizza. Oh, Brad is back. And he started cleaning the pool cause no one did.

Me: You totally remind me of those pool boys who gets seduced by housewives in movies.
Brad: *big grin* Except I’m just a cheap ass tourist who somehow became a manager.

Brad is such an eye candy. I loved looking at him. I could look at him all day and not get bored. Everything about him oozed sex appeal.

Me: *sneaks a photo and sends to Kurt* The hot pool boy!
Kurt: The more time you spend looking at him, the more you like him huh?
Me: I always thought he’s hot.
Kurt: I know. Still getting better the more you looki looki! I should have you spayed to stay focused!

Kurt’s not wrong. By then, I absolutely adored Brad. That wasn’t supposed to happen.

We were supposed to head to a beach party that night but I got lazy after I got back to the room so I texted Brad;

Me: Come back, I’m horny.
Brad: LOL I’m not 😉

Really now?

When Brad got back to the room later that night;

Brad: *hugs and kisses me* I’m sorry, I’m not horny. But I don’t want you to feel bad or feel like I don’t want you or find you hot. I’m just not horny.

 

DAY 5

I was thoroughly burnt. I couldn’t take the sun anymore. And it was raining anyway.

Brad: I don’t feel like going to work today.
Me: Then don’t. You have 2 days off a week and you’re working every day. Take a break.
Brad: I will.
Me: I’ll buy you a nice dinner tonight, how about that?
Brad: What for?
Me: For taking such good care of me.
Brad: Aww… I forgot about that *holds my hand*
Me: I thought you don’t like being touched.
Brad: It’s fine when I decide to do the touching *places my hand on his D*
Me: *rolls eyes*

We fooled around for a bit, just lazed in silence and ordered room service till 3pm when we decided to head out to 7-11 to stock up on water, food, and cigarettes.

Me: We’re only going out for 5 minutes, why bother doing your hair.
Brad: *raising his voice* Why do you ask stupid questions? Everyone asks me the same thing! It doesn’t matter if I just step out or for the entire day, I like to look good so I don’t feel like shit.
Me: *raising my voice* Just saying. Every damn thing I say annoys you. Every question is stupid. I’ll be out of your face soon!!

I totally lost it. I tolerated his grumpiness for 5 days and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I felt bad AF for blowing up at him but it had to be done. I cannot allow him to walk all over me and be okay with it.

Brad: Maybe I should have some alcohol *drinks his VSOP*
Me: *walks out*
Brad: Are you being grumpy now?
Me: I’m not grumpy. I just don’t want to talk to you. It’s too hard to talk to you.
Brad: *hugs me from behind* Poopie, please don’t be angry…
Me: What’s a poopie? Are you calling me shit?
Brad: Nooo, I call everything poopie. I even call the dogs poopie!
Me: You’re calling me a dog?!!
Brad: Noooo…

We went off to Family Mart where I bought beers to drown myself in alcohol so I could go straight to sleep. I was fuming. The entire time Brad would try to make conversations, flashing his super dashing smile but I refuse to acknowledge him. If I did, a war would start and that wouldn’t be very nice. Or I’d just melt and he’d go back to being grumpy.

I sat on the balcony with my beer in silence. Brad came out twice to see if I was okay.

Brad: *massages my shoulder* Are you okay? Are you still mad?
Me: Go to sleep.

Then he tries again, hugging me and telling me he’s sorry. By then I was just plain sad. I guess it did not affect me as much on the first 2 days because I felt absolutely nothing for him then.

Knocked out on beers and VSOP and jumped up at 11pm. So freaking guilty that I totally slept through dinner.

 

DAY 6

Got up at 5am for breakfast and our final packing.

Me: Since I didn’t get to buy you dinner last night, can I give you some money? Contribution for all the food and the room.
Brad: Don’t be silly. I’m not taking it. You can buy me breakfast. And it’s okay, you had to put up with me too.
Me: Are you sure?
Brad: *hugs me from behind* I’m sorry okay? I know I can be hard to be around. That’s why I prefer to be alone most of the time. Please don’t be mad.

I completely melted. Why are you so sweet, you piece of ass!

We usually go to Family Mart to stock up on food but this time;

Brad: We’ll go to 7-11. I know you want the chocolate drink.

Brad filled up my chocolate drink with the cutest smile plastered across his face while I gathered some breakfast. We got to the ferry counter just on time to check in and say our goodbyes.

Brad: Next time, come during the high season. There will be more things to do. You’ve only seen half the island. I’ll take more days off the next time to take you around.
Me: *hugs him tight*
Brad: Go, they’re leaving already.
Me: *walks a couple of steps, turn around and see him smiling.. hugs him again*
Brad: *hugs me tight and kisses me on the cheek*

 

And that was the end of my vacation on paradise island. Why did I ever think it was a good idea to export myself out on a F-cation? I wasn’t meant to fall for Brad. I sought to escape reality but came back a lovesick fool. I really wanted to kiss him before I left but that would just make matters worse. I miss Brad so Goddamn much!

Me: This wasn’t supposed to happen.
Kurt: I was certain it was gonna happen, but I hoped otherwise.
Me: Oh really?
Kurt: Yes. I know you. I know him too. It was doomed from day one to end up in a semi-romance.
Me: Honestly did not expect semi-romance when I booked my flight. Remember we hated each other?
Kurt: I did the day I learned you were going to see him. And you’d expect someone who hates you to invite you over? It’s okay, it’s only natural.
Me: I thought he was gonna be an ass.
Kurt: Naive. A man wouldn’t invite someone he doesn’t deem fuckable to stay with him or if he didn’t like that someone. Now it’s a matter of how you handle it, it’s not gonna go anywhere anyway.

I guess it ain’t easy to stop thinking of a person after spending close to 24/7 with them over a week in paradise. Even harder when they’re sweet AF. He ain’t earning much but he still did whatever he could to make my week as close to perfect as he could. Please don’t get me wrong, I paid whenever he allowed, otherwise he gets grumpy.

 

VERDICT: I finally got my vacation romance and it ain’t as fun as it looks on Hollywood. It’s mostly just heartbreaking.

Tinder Dates – 31-43 of 50

First dates are tough work. You sit for a couple of hours and judge one another. I really kinda hate it. My only motivation is usually the food. I mean, majority of the time there wouldn’t even be a second date so why bother hyping and expect the impossible?

At one point my gay buddy, Luca and I even challenged ourselves to one date per week. After a month, I was so thoroughly exhausted I had to take a month off dating!

So anyways, on to the dating updates!

 

DATE No.31
Canadian Mr 31 is.. How do I put this nicely?  He didn’t quite look like his photos, he tried to be funny but came off as cheesy, he also had this feminine touch to his personality that at some point of the date, I wondered if he was gay. Needless to say, the date did not last very long.

 

DATE No.32
Have you ever met someone and instantly disliked them? Like his face annoys you, his voice annoys you, his very existence annoys you, every word that comes out of him annoys you. I know I’m being a bitch, but I just couldn’t stand being in his presence. Don’t get me wrong, he was pretty nice.. I think? I mean, all I felt was the annoyance.

Such a waste though. He was gorgeous AF on photos (not so in person) with the kinda body I usually lust for.  He tried to sway the date back to his place after dinner. Tough luck!

 

DATE No.33
Mr 33 was no other than our beloved Mr Fat Man. His photos on Tinder were gorgeous.. and that is because they were taken 5 years ago! But Luke has this warm, caring vibe about him that got me instantly hooked. Full post HERE.

 

DATE N0.34 
I was heart broken by LUCAS. I needed an outlet. I’ve never EVER believed in turning up at a stranger’s home, but Mr 34 was a hot, young model from Bosnia. And most of all, he was convenient!

Well, I had been chatting with him on and off for about 2-3 years, deep conversations about life, had a whole circle of mutual friends.. it really felt like I knew him already.

So when he booty called while I was having drinks with Date No.25 (we were friends), I agreed to turn up at his doorstep (he lived down the road). The F was nothing to shout about other than the fact that he had a whole lot of energy, but that ain’t no surprise considering he was a whooping 7 years younger than I am!

 

DATE No.35
From the US, Mr 35 describes himself as ‘young and socialble’. But all he really does is reply with single positive expressions like – Magical! Exquisite! Amazing! Perfect! Astonishing! Magnificent! Beautiful! .. and the list goes on and on.

Initially it was an ego booster. I mean, he compliments every damn thing that comes out of me. Just maybe I am that magical! But after awhile it just became clear that he was incapable of a proper conversation.

 

DATE No.36
A white South African, Mr 36 was pretty good looking on photos. The conversation had a decent flow and we texted a couple of days till we finally met. Still being heartbroken over Luke, I demanded a casual dinner. I just couldn’t handle being wined and dined anymore.

When we got to meet for burgers, I swear the dude has gotta be at least 10 years older than his photos. That or the photos were highly photoshopped. It didn’t help that he was very touchy. The date lasted a mere 1.5 hours before I ran off for drinks with my friends.

 

DATE No.37 
I have loads of mutual friends with German mixed Italian Mr 37 who ran his own business in KL. In fact, he used to be good friends with KURT. We texted for a whole 7 hours when we first matched and agreed to meet that week.

Here’s a life lesson to all you Tinderers/singles out there – Do not, I repeat, do not ever take your date out to a place where you know your friends hang out. Especially if your friends are better looking than you are.

Long story short; we dined at his friend’s Italian restaurant. Bumped into his friends.. lo and behold, among his friends was FINN (Date No.7)! After dinner, we went out for a smoke and his friends demanded we joined them. Naturally, I sat and chatted with Finn all night. When I say all night, it is because his friends totally hijacked the date and got us to go partying with them. Didn’t help that one of his friends were totally my type!

All was good till my date confronted me about Finn the next day. According to him, it was obvious we had a history – “it’s a mix between comfy and awkward, surprised and nervous, familiar and distant, yet close”.

Ah well, I wasn’t interested in the dude anyway. It was just amazing that the date was saved by his friends.

I met up with Finn a couple of days later and fooled around like horny teenagers in the car. But nope, did not F.

 

DATE No.38 
Australian mixed Italian, personal trainer/gym manager was 3 years younger, a divorced dad of 3 at the ripe young age of 21! Fatherhood was so overwhelming that he had a vasectomy at 24!!

Mr 38 had a body of a God and a personality of a sack of hay. Half way through the date, we bumped into his hot friend who was really entertaining and my first thought was “Wow! Why aren’t I on a date with him instead?” (See, the above life lesson applies here as well!)

Nope, did not hook up. We did plan on meeting again but that of course did not happen.

 

DATE No. 39 
I suppose the date with Mr 39 wouldn’t have gone far considering I was heartbroken by Lucas (again!). Yeah, after 5 fruitless dates, I just really missed that fat ass. Didn’t help that I met Lucas a couple of days before the date for the very last time.

This one was a chatter. He’s funny, super duper cute, with that cheeky smile but I just couldn’t make myself be interested. He tried to sway the date home but nahhh, if Lucas wasn’t occupying my brains 25/7, he probably would have stood a chance.

 

DATE No.40
I tried to move on. I really did. French Mr 40 just arrived in KL for the next 5 years. He was nice, sweet, looking for a relationship and all that jazz. But it’s about time I accept the fact that I may say I want a relationship, but run the other direction when I’m presented with one.

But.. he really is a man with a woman’s soul. He’d continuously seek attention.  All the freaking time! It was exhausting!

Him: I’m going back to France for 2 weeks. I wouldn’t be able to disturb you then.
Me: Oh *asks some random questions*
Him: You didn’t say I’m not disturbing you!! *gets legit upset*

Seriously?! We had like 5 casual dates (no making out/hooking up) till I just couldn’t take it anymore. Especially so when he demanded that I show more interest. I. Just. Cannot!

 

DATE No.41
That week, I told Kurt that since I’ve tried importing Tinder dates from other countries, I wanted to export myself out to meet a dude. I obviously have got no balls for that shit so I decided to meet someone who’s based in another country so that I could go there for a F-cation.

Mr 41 is an absolutely gorgeous, successful, young, single dad from Australia who owns a yacht and speedboat business on an island in a neighboring country. We met up for drinks, gave in to the seduction and failed my mission miserably. Hey, you can’t blame a girl when the dude could reallyyyyyy dance!

 

DATE No.42 
Remember the hot friend of Mr 38? We matched on Tinder the day after! Can you imagine my excitement? We laughed about the night, continued chatting and finally met 2 months later.

Mr 42 is a master golf instructor who was highly entertaining with a nice solid body at 6’4, and a downright gentleman. I don’t know what he’s looking for, but my gut instinct tells me he’s not looking for a one nighter. Maybe I’ll see him again, maybe I won’t..

 

DATE No.43 
Throwback to Date No.20 – I was instantly, ridiculously attracted to him. Every fiber of his being oozed sex appeal and I was dying to pounce on him from the moment we met. Here’s a recap – it was the most memorable Tinder date to date, spent 6 hours binge eating at 3 different locations, Top 5 best F with a gigantic D. I will never forget getting F-ed on his kitchen counter. It was pure bliss!

So when I matched with Mr 43, I was curious to know if I’d feel the same way. They were brothers after all *insert maniacal laughter*

Well, I did not plan on meeting the dude initially. I even admitted that I stalked him on FB and what I found was awkward. But the conversation had a good flow and we talked each other into meeting up at 3AM because we were both night owls. I made it clear that it will not be a hook up though I secretly hoped I’d get to do both brothers. I am F-ed up like that!

When we finally got to meeting at 3AM at a mamak a few hours after Date No.42, to my disappointment, I did not have an ounce of attraction towards the dude. Not one bit. So I decided to spill the beans – that I hooked up with his brother a year back and man, we did have a good laugh through the date.

What’s life if we did not do weird stuff to keep ourselves entertained?

Tinder Dates – 16-30 of 50

Continuing from where we left off, I feel that as the number of dates increases, I spent more time getting to know these dates rather than getting a quick F. Tinder dates are after all really time consuming considering I’ve gotta keep up with the chatting.

 

DATE No.16
I was in Phuket and while waiting for Stella to arrive, I met up with Brandon. Full post HERE.

From the UK, Brandon was a gentleman, a little shy and pretty sweet. We had dinner at the nicest restaurant on the street before I ran off to meet Stella to party. Nope, we did not hook up.

 

DATE No.17
Can’t remember his name or where he was from, Mr. 17 turned out to be living at his friend’s temporarily that happened to be the next building from mine. Initially had an argument about him booty calling me, and ended up meeting for lunch the next day. It was so uninteresting that the date ended after 30 minutes.

 

DATE No.18
Matched Mr. 18, a Spanish chef and chatted for a whole week and eventually met for cheese fondue! We had a lot of chemistry going on and the date lasted 4 hours, but unfortunately, I was not one bit attracted to him in person. Wasn’t surprising that he wanted to continue dating and see how things went, but I couldn’t bare to waste his time. Nope, did not hook up.

 

DATE No.19
I felt like getting laid. I also felt like having Jamon Serrano on toast. What better way to kill two birds with one stone than a Tinder date?

Freddy probably deserves his own post but I guess it’s just a typical one night stand turned 3 night stands plus some dates.

Texas born business owner with a mountain of lawsuits on him, Freddy was 3 years younger than I am, hilarious, witty, charming, a sweet talker and so very adorable. Unfortunately with a personality like that, one can only be a F-boy. The first date lasted a whooping 7 hours before we landed on his bed. He F’s like a machine too and the chemistry was nuts!

I can’t deny I adored him. Chemistry was insane, we could talk and F for hours.. but being 6 months fresh out of a divorce (he was with her for 16 years!), he obviously couldn’t take anything seriously. He even showed me his divorce papers.

 

DATE No.20
This one was a texter. And the thing with texters is that I often find that they don’t talk much in person. Not Mr. 20 though. Dutch business owner, 6’4 with a solid body.. he is by far the most fun Tinder date to date.

We binge ate the night away at 3 different locations. The entire date lasted a whole 6 hours. I liked him so much that I held back pouncing on him. The level of attraction I have for him was mad. He wasn’t supermodel hot, but I just find him so very good looking!

For some strange reason that I can no longer recall, we argued over text the next day and that somehow led to angry sex at his. I failed my mission to hold back sex once again but it was so amazing, I have no regrets.

It’s been a year and I still think of him every now and then.

 

DATE No.21
From the Isle of Man, Mr. 21 was a chef. Dinner, drinks and joined me to party. Nothing much to write about really. The F was bad though! The best memory of the date was the very yummy Wagyu dish we had at a Japanese restaurant.

 

DATE No.22
Australian cop, Kent and I matched when he was in KL for vacation, left without meeting and somehow continued chatting. He decided to fly back to KL for my birthday only to realize not only we had no chemistry, we simply did not like one another. Doesn’t change the fact that he was massive hot though! Full post HERE.

 

DATE No.23
A pilot from the US, Mr. 23 was okayyyy. I guess we could hold a decent conversation but we didn’t exactly have anything in common. I found it funny that he shaves his legs, did IPL on his entire body (chest, arms, pubes) but left his somewhat balding head with (not much) hair. He did not look like he was balding on photos, and nope, did not hook up.

 

DATE No.24
Dutch Mr. 24 was looking for something serious. But at 6’4, we looked kinda ridiculous together and I find him rather dull for my liking. No hooking up either.

 

DATE No.25
Mr. 25 from the UK is a sweetheart who’s also looking for something serious. Unfortunately, shallow me had zero attraction towards him and sometimes find him rather annoying and braggy. I get more of a friend vibe from him and after the second date, I told him that we could only be friends. We are still friends and hang out occasionally.

 

DATE No.26 and 27
I met them both in one night when I solo traveled to Siem Reap. Full post HERE.

 

DATE No.28
Born in the UK and spent many years in KL, the date with Mr. 28 was pleasant and lasted 4 hours with a goodnight kiss. We met again the next day at his restaurant, just hanging out from noon till night and by the time I left, all I felt was suffocation. He too was looking for something serious but I’m starting to think that maybe I ain’t made for relationships?

I slowly but surely slowed on the texting and he continuously drunk texted till I had to tell him that I couldn’t date him. We are still friends.

 

DATE No.29
Whoaaa this one was intense!

A football TV presenter from the UK, Mr. 29 had a very annoying sense of humor. He was looking for something serious and continuously badgered me for a second date (during the date) while I kept declining politely. The days following the date, he’d text. And call when I didn’t reply immediately. And kept calling. Eventually told him to tone it down and he got pissed *roll eyes!

 

DATE No.30
Australian tech start up founder, Mr.30 was just your typical Mr Nice Guy who most likely gets friendzoned by every girl he meets. I’m just assuming cause that was the vibe I got. The date was just okay, nothing extraordinary. He had a nice solid body and was pretty good looking, but no attraction whatsoever. Dinner, drinks, joined me to party.. and never heard from him again.

 

Tinder Dates – 1-15 of 50

Some years back, I was hooked on a blog ( walkinsauce.tumblr ) about the author’s Tinder experiences as she went on one date per week up till she accumulated 50 dates. I religiously logged on to her blog weekly. She was hilarious; from dating much younger boys to priests.. I can’t possibly top that.

At that point, I couldn’t imagine I’d ever rack up 50 dates. But being single for 3 years and 9 months now (wow that’s 45 months / estimated 1,350 days right there!) meant lots of alone time swiping and chatting with randos. I’ve been on 37 Tinder dates to date. No, I did not hook up with all of them!

And because I suck so bad at dating (as I was whining about on The Fat Man), I decided to dedicate date no.35 – 50 on being a decent human being, or at least variations of it without actually hooking up.

Here’s what I figured; Dating is a numbers game. The more I date, the higher chances I’d meet someone I actually like. When I first turned single, I went on a date every 3-4 months. I could go up to 6 months without sitting down and getting to know a new dude.

Buttttt.. there should obviously be improvements in one’s technique, so here’s a timeline summary of my first 15 Tinder dates!

DATE No.1
Technically, Pablo wasn’t from Tinder. But here’s where all the madness started. Full post HERE.

Pablo and I chatted for whole 2 months before I actually agreed to meet him at my usual club and drunkenly hooked up that night itself. It was amazing!

But I was only 3 months into singlehood back then and Pablo wanted a relationship. I had to let him go. He left soon after but we did meet up when he was back in KL a year or so later. He even proposed to fly me over to Spain recently but I wasn’t up for it.

 

DATE No.2
It wasn’t really a date. But I still met a dude off Tinder. I was out with a bunch of friends and invited him to join. Gorgeous AF Italian dude who just arrived in KL not too long ago. My friends were determined to get him drunk so I’d get lucky, but my body obviously hates me. I got my period mid date!! We did make out though.

We didn’t see each other again, but some months later I found out through his Instagram that he got engaged. Dafuq?!

 

DATE No.3
The first proper dinner and drinks date goes to Marcel. Full post HERE.

Also Italian, Marcel had the sexiest smile (at least back then it was) and made me blush like a virgin school girl all night. Spent 4 hours chatting and nada. No action.

DATE No.4
The date from hell with Joseph. Full post HERE.

A local TV presenter who’s Malay-German. Joseph was so full of himself that he got mad when I said he’s gotten chubbier than his photos. I remained calm when he told me we should have a threesome with my bestie, that we should F in the bar washroom and that I’ve got a come-F-me-face!

He later on called me a true blue bitch.

 

DATE No.5
Gorgeous Persian male model who’s as interesting as a block of wood. Full post HERE.

We matched, chatted occasionally and bumped into him at my usual joint where we made out and hooked up a couple of days later. Nothing interesting really.

 

DATE No.6
Another Persian male model/personal trainer with gorgeously defined 8 packs, featured on Men’s Health cover but couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life. It was then that I decided that I ain’t gonna bother with male models no more. We only drunkenly made out.

 

DATE No.7
Dearest Finn is a full on sexy French-Italian MMA fighter who is by far the most sensual, seductive man I have ever hooked up with to date.  Full post HERE.

We met up after a week or so of chatting and was instantly smitten by him. So much so that I held off sex till the fourth date.. and continued as F-Buds for a couple of months. Finn is the definition of a pleaser.

 

DATE No.8
Brazilian Andy turned out to be a friend of a friend whom I partied with. Full post HERE.

We chatted on and off for months but failed to meet up till his farewell party. Quite a nasty experience really.

 

DATE No.9
I was excited to meet Keith when I read that Hungarian men were the most well hung in all of Europe. Boy was I disappointed! Full post HERE.

We went on a date that lasted 7 whole hours and ended with a mind numbingly boring F! *yawn!!

 

DATE No.10
I wouldn’t call this a date but this match asked where I’d be that night and I told him. He turned up, insisted I brought him and his friend into VIP and proceeded to help themselves with drinks that they did not pay for and annoying the hell out of ALL the girls at my table. Eventually, I had to get the manager to get rid of them.

 

DATE No.11
Hot, bald, sexy, and French, Cruz flew in from Singapore to spend the weekend with me. Full post HERE.

We chatted for a full 9 hours before actually getting to it. Partied the next night away. It felt a lot like having a boyfriend for the weekend.

DATE No.12
The ultimate F-Boy turn BFF, Kurt darling. Full post HERE.

Totally fell head over heels for Kurt and was put on a roller coaster ride of emotions for months before I realized what a F-Boy he is. All’s good now that I, as his best friend come before any of his chicks.

 

DATE No.13
From the UK, this one was definitely too hot to be a CEO of a pharmaceutical company (as stated on his Tinder bio). Buff and good looks, he gave killer I’m-Gonna-Do-Bad-Things-To-You eyes all throughout our dinner date. We obviously hooked up after. And again on Valentines Day!

 

DATE No.14
A black Brazilian mixed German, this match was a bore to the core. There was no chemistry or physical attraction and yet he tried with all he could to sway the date back to his place. Nope. Did not happen!

DATE No.15
Another chemistry-less German date that ended all too soon. Really nothing to write home about other than blabbering uninteresting stuff all night long.

 

 

The Fat Man: Part II

I cannot believe I’m writing another post on LUCAS but I feel its essential to the following posts that I plan to write.

So anyways. After a full week of complete silence, I was in his neighborhood and figured it didn’t hurt to text Lucas.

Me: Hey how you doing? I was having pizza at XXX and thought of you!
*silence*
Me: *after 3 hours* Ignoring me huh? Didn’t think we stopped texting on bad terms. Take care then.
Lucas: Hey not ignoring you.. Just finished set up for an event *yada yada yada work work work* Wish you a good night.

I tried making conversation the day after but was replied with silence so I sent a long text stating that if I said anything that might have offended him, I sincerely apologize (I accidentally called him fat many times – and I know some people can be real sensitive). That even if I couldn’t keep him as a friend, I didn’t want an enemy. After 24 hours, he replied;

Lucas: Hey sorry, I had just a very crazy week. You didn’t say anything wrong I am just very work focused and don’t text very often when I am under pressure. I think I mentioned a lot that I am a workaholic and that’s the down side of it. You haven’t lost a friend, I am just very crazy busy.

I got so pissed off I had to lash out!

Me: FYI your reason is too cliche. You’re failing at attempting to be Mr Nice Guy. The next girl you decide to get too busy for, tell her something like I got bored of your face. It sounds like an asshole, but much more genuine 😉

So I indirectly called him out on his bullshit and an asshole. That was that. I was satisfied.

As much as I was upset, I was forgetting him as the days went by. When Saturday rolled along, I headed to a party where Stella had a DJ gig.

Lo and behold – Lucas’ company was the main organizer. So much awkwardness especially when I knew he saw me and we stood less than 10 steps away from him the entire night! By the end of the night however, we accidentally locked eyes and it would be childish of me to not say hi.

I texted him when I got home informing that I eventually found my car. He replies were outright cold.

I was furious! How dare this fat man treat me like I’m irrelevant. My ego was hurt. I was enraged. I refused to accept defeat.

Me: If I suck that bad at dating, and excel at hookups, then I’m gonna do what I’m best at.
KURT: Stop being pathetic. Move on. He doesn’t deserve any more attention!
Me: I’m doing it! If it’s bad, I’ll definitely forget him immediately. If it’s good, well, good!

I know it’s ridiculous to reward bad behavior with sex but there seemed to be no other way for me to forget this dude.

A couple of days after the weekend, I texted Lucas yet again (Yes, so desperate persistent!)

Me: Hey busy man how are you? I miss talking to you. Feels like I lost my texting buddy!
Him: Hey I am not very well, down with the flu since Sunday. How are you?
Me: Oh no worked too hard? I’m happy! Just closed a sale. Did you take some days off work?
Him: Oh congratulations, very happy for you. No I can’t take off having a few important meetings but I’ll try to cut short the days.
Me: I also lost some fats from not pigging out all the time *sends photo of me pulling up my top, showing off my abs and in undies*
Him: Wow, what a pic ! really don’t know what fats you have but you are in amazing shape.
Me: Thank you! What I have is an intense craving for pizza. When can I buy u the pizza that I owe you?
Him: The best craving ever 🙂 Friday or I think Saturday should be fine but need to double check my calendar. Way less events due to Ramadan.

Not me, but you get the idea

Ha! Works EVERY. DAMN. TIME!

I truly believe men are visual creatures and thinks with their D’s.

By weekend,

Me: Hope you’re feeling better today?
Him: Not really but had to go out tonight. Feel like dying.
Me: Aww don’t die!! You still gotta cook me burger! Then after that, u can reconsider dying again 😂
Him: Haha ok I try to stay alive to make you the burger you will never forget.
Me: Why don’t u make that legendary burger this weekend instead of pizza? At the rate you’re going never know when you’d die 😉
Him: Well the craving for pizza is still there. Why I don’t make a home made pizza with the toppings according to your wishes?

Anddddd.. DONE! Booty call is served!

When I got to his place that weekend, Lucas had candles lit, low lights, slow music playing and prepared a ton of food with cheese as the main ingredient. The food was F-ing fantastic!

Dinner, drinks, watched a movie while chatting for 4 hours and eventually we obviously did the deed.

Oh. My. F-ing. Glorious. Lord!! Lucas is amaaaazzinnngggg!! I have no words to describe what an amazing kisser he is. How he can be so dominant, yet submissive. A pleaser who’d go above and beyond. Our chemistry was off the charts!

Him: Wow! I didn’t think you’d be so much fun!
Me: Whaaaa? Did you think I was gonna be boring?
Him: No, not boring. Just not this much fun!
Me: I was toning it down. Still am or you’d think I’m mad.

We F-ed 6 times that night over the course of 5 hours. Surprisingly his belly wasn’t an issue at all!

Woke up, made breakfast and F-ed twice before I left.

Lucas wasn’t in town the entire week but we made plans to meet again that weekend.

But when I got there, Lucas was sick out of his brains, hungover from the night before and pretty much looked like a zombie. But I thought it was really sweet of him to make the ham and goat cheese bruschetta with honey that I absolutely loved, and stocked up on Coke and my cigarettes for me. He was about to cook burger but I took pity on the poor sick dude and let him off the hook.

We watched a movie and F-ed once that night before he almost coughed his lungs out and passed out. Woke up to very yummy breakfast – Omelette with ham and cheese with a side of toast, and more cheese!

Then he went silent after I left. What is his freaking problem?

Me: I feel the need to get this off my mind. Right now, what I want is nothing more than regular sex and a companion I feel comfortable with and respect. And I’m saying this because it seems to me you withdraw after sex like you’re afraid I’d want more from you. I’m just saying that because I guess not everyone wants more. N I definitely do not, hence being single this long.
Him: Appreciate that you are being straight forward. Yes I am looking for the same, I am not ready to go into any commitment at the moment. But I didn’t not reply because of that it’s just because of work.
Me: Honestly I hardly get laid cause I get bored of  F-Buds way too fast having nothing in common, but at the same time I can’t mentally commit to anything. So figured since I enjoy hanging around you, I’d keep you around 😉 Sounds like a plan?
Him: *AFTER 30 F-ING HOURS* Yes sound like a plan.

Are you kidding me now? No one can possibly be THAT busy to not be able to reply something that simple for 30 freaking hours. After a few nasty exchange of texts, it ended with –

Him: I just don’t want any drama. We both know what we want from each other so let’s keep it simple. I am now in a very busy period. So please understand if you don’t hear much from me.

Okay, Fat Man! If all I wanted were some wham-bam-thank you-fag, I could do way wayyyy better.

VERDICT: Looks don’t matter. All men are assholes until proven otherwise.

The Fat Man

My past few Tinder dates, I had been taking criticisms and advice from KURT seriously. The last I truly had a relationship, the dating scene was a lot less messed up.

Kurt: You excel at hooking up. That is all you know.
Me: Then teach me! I’ve not been dating for so long that I have no clue what to do anymore.

So the gist of it was – NO touching. NO kissing. NO sex. NO F-me eyes. NO sex talks. NO showing too much interest. BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING. Okay, sounds easy enough right?

But after each and every date, no matter if I liked them or not, I’d ask Kurt the same question;

Me: When I’m a decent human being, he’d be a decent guy too. How would I ever know if he’s interested in me?
Kurt: You’re an idiot! You only think a dude is interested in you when they have their D in your mouth! Let them get to know you for you. Not getting their D wet.

So after uncountable Decent-Human-Being-Tinder-Dates that I wasn’t interested in, I am growing cobwebs down South (I legit haven’t had any since my last post!).

 

Then I matched with Lucas. Oh so gorgeous on his Tinder photos.

When I found out from Phil that Lucas’ ex is a drop dead gorgeous bombshell of a model, added the fact that he is 6’6 (and I am 5’flat), I almost canceled the date the night before. Somehow convinced myself that the date was a joke and it’ll be funny to try that out once.

Him: Question. Have you ever been to XXX?
Me: No. Are you asking me cause you’re asking me out or headed there for work?
Him: I am trying to find a good location for tomorrow 😉 Then let’s do drinks at XXX then dinner. Italian? What time are you off work?
Me: Aww… Lemme Google it.
Him: No, don’t Google it. Then the surprise is gone. Just let it be a surprise, it’s a small cool hidden bar.

Who could say no to something that sweet? Somehow I figured drinks before dinner wasn’t such a brilliant idea and so we switched it to dinner then drinks.

 

THE FIRST DATE

Lucas was 30 minutes early for our date and was already seated when I walked in.

Name: LUCAS
Origin: Switzerland
Ethnicity: Swiss
Height: 6′6. FAT
First impression: Charming
Age: 2 years older

My first thought? – Oh shit! You got that right. He is FAT! His Tinder photos were from 5 years ago! But Lucas has this amazing smile that warms you right up. He was charismatic, charming, funny.. the chemistry wasn’t electric, it gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. Conversations were really easy and there weren’t any awkward silent moments.

Dinner went on for 4 hours along with drinks. We never made it to that small cool hidden bar. It was a weekday and the mall was closing up.

Lucas walked me to the elevator and we hugged our goodbyes.

 

THE NEXT DAY

I was out for dinner with Christie whom I haven’t met in 4 months. Yeah, she’s one of those girls who goes into hibernation after getting into relationships.

We were texting throughout the day. At about 11pm, Lucas texted.

Him: Still at my meeting, almost done here. Fancy a drink just you and me?
Me: I haven’t seen my friends in forever. We’re headed to XXX for drinks. Feel free to join.
Him: Oh nice! But no it’s a customer of mine and I rather want to go off work. If you wanna join me at XXX/home you are more than welcome. 🙂
Me: Hahaha is that a booty call?
Him: It is what you want it to be.

OH NO YOU DIDN’T JUST BOOTY CALL ME!

Me: Right *replies to his previous comment saying ‘I’m not a creepy Tinder dude’* Getting there love.
Him: Huh? Why so serious? The only thing I am saying is that I don’t wanna see any customers anymore but I wanna see you. So if I would have invited you for dinner at my home to cook you something you said you want, you think I just want to take advantage of you?

So yeah, Lucas showed me a photo of a burger he made with a cheese bomb inside during our date.

I guzzled some beers and told myself to calm down before blowing up at the dude to the point of no return. Lucas did seem like a decent guy who didn’t give off any dodgy vibes.

We continued texting the next couple of days and I decided I needed to see Lucas again. I obviously consulted with my love guru Kurt first.

Me: What are your dinner plans tomorrow? Since I had to decline your last invitation (and got pissy bout it), thought I’d take the initiative and see if you’d be interested in food 🙂
Him: Haha yes, but only if you are nice to me 😉 No more being pissy.

 

THE SECOND DATE

I was on the verge of crazy after arguing with my butthead of an ex earlier in the day, who was poking and opening old wounds. So much so that I had a meltdown an hour before the date.

Me: Let’s cancel burgers. Some other time maybe.
Him: Huh?
Me: Not quite feeling it. Crappy day.
Him: Oh no what happened?
Me: You wouldn’t wanna know.
Him: Alright, then I hope you will be able to overcome that crappy feeling soon. Let’s postpone it but not for too long.

Aww.. I totally melted at that.

So off we went on our second date, just 4 days after the first. Lucas picked me up and we headed to my favorite burger joint – BurgerLab. Note to self (and all you burger fans out there in KL) – That is so not a second date venue, especially when you gotta queue for 30 minutes just to place your order.

Burgers and beers lasted about 3.5 hours with lots of laughter, deep talks about life and everything in between. It felt like forever since I opened up to someone new. Lucas was the perfect gentleman and I love it when he smiles. He has this happy cheerful vibe that I absolutely adore. We have the same views on relationships. We share the same extreme love for food, namely cheese, burgers, ramen and steak.

I even explained why I got pissy about the home invite and he seemed determined to earn my trust eventually.

 

Me: Thanks for tonight. It cured my crappy day.
Him: Happy to hear, enjoyed the evening as well. And yes you were right. The burger might be one of the best in KL. But the burger hunt is not over yet 😉

Sounds like there are more dates to come? YAY!

 

We texted on the daily and I was looking forward to the upcoming long weekend but he apparently spontaneously booked a flight out to Koh Samui to meet an old friend. But still, Lucas texted the entire time he was away.

I was on cloud 9. Sure, Lucas is fat and there was no way in hell I could imagine him naked. I wasn’t even sure if I could do it! Every time I thought of him, it wasn’t about how I was gonna yank his hair as I rode him, or how I wanna lick his jawline or touch his abs. I wanted to cuddle up to him!

Kurt: The truth is you hype him for no reason. You hope that he is finally is the Excockibur, the dick that stays? He is nothing just yet other than nice talks and free meals. So calm your tatas, he’s nothing till he’s proven otherwise.

There is so much truth in that. We ladies tend to hype guys we barely know for no solid reason, get excited prematurely based on fantasies we create in our heads and get disappointed after.

I tried to tone it down but the expectations were already there.

 

THE THIRD DATE

Me: It’s our third date. Am I still not allowed to touch him in the cinema?
Kurt: You should. Just hold on to his arm.
Me: What if he doesn’t react?
Kurt: Watch his body language.

Lucas and I met up for our third date the weekend after he got back from his vacation. He picked me up for dinner and movie. All went well till we got into the cinema.

I was legit cold and leaned towards him for body heat. No reaction. Okay. Getting colder. Blows hot air onto my hands. Still getting colder. Still no reaction. Fuck it. Barbecued my hand on his forearm. Still no F-ing reaction!! Hand got warmer, felt like a complete fool. Retreated. Okayyy.. what just happened?

Lucas sent me home after the movie. Talking and laughing all the way as usual. The goodbye hug was tighter than the previous two. I told him I would be in his neighborhood for work the next day if he wanted to meet for a quick lunch. He said to text him.

 

THE NEXT DAY

Not quite feeling it, I told Lucas I couldn’t make it for lunch and to add me on Facebook because I wanted to show him a video. The truth was I did see a video I wanted to share but what I really wanted was to do some stalking.

Me: *sends cheese raclette on burger vid on FB Messenger* I’ll be at your doorstep if you can cook this.
Him: Okay I’ll take your word for it. I already have the cheese, just need to make the patty 🙂
Me: Are you sure? My love for cheese and burgers is insatiable. Don’t break my heart!
Him: I’ve made the burger before. I’m sure I can do it 😉

Okay. So you’re still flirty. What is up with this dude?

 

AND THE NEXT DAY

Lucas was quiet. I texted him but the replies were rather cold. I could feel it in my bones that it’s fizzling away slowly but surely. And my spidey senses are never wrong, I haven’t heard from him since. Yeah, it’s only been 3 days but hey, we never stopped texting since the day we met!

I wish I could say this to you but.. Dear Fat Man, I guess I’ll never know if your burgers are as amazing as you described them to be. And I’m sad we won’t be continuing our burger and ramen quest. I was already imagining how yummy it would be. It was fun while it lasted and I really miss your laughs. I really hope you find what you’re looking for. 

 

So as humiliated as I am that I got dropped/ghosted by a fat man, I will have to admit this – I suck at dating. I am the ultimate failure at dating. I don’t have the slightest clue to what went wrong at what point.

Kurt: It’s like you went for an interview. You want the job, but you aren’t sure how well you did.
Me: I know I did well. Just not sure how many other candidates are there.
Kurt: You are forgetting that 1. There are more vacancies for more jobs you like and 2. You are super qualified. You should be the best ever according to you. But there are two attitudes – 1. You pick the job you like. 2 The job picks you, as you desperately need one.
Me: Or maybe there is no opening for the position I interviewed for. Good candidate, no vacancy.
Kurt: Bad luck. Don’t get discouraged.

NOTE: Lucas is only 5 months single after his 3 year relationship with bombshell ex-girlfriend.

Sure, I’ve perfected the art of hooking up. But there was a time when I couldn’t look at a hot stranger directly in the eye or freak out when a hottie chatted me up.

 

VERDICT: If Kurt reckons I excel at hook ups because I do it so much, does that mean if I binge dates, I’ll excel at it too? If practice makes perfect then I am going to find the perfect formula to dating. After all, I’ve got nothing to lose.

To be continued HERE